From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 May 1994 There are 25 messages totalling 939 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Canine seeks house!! (must allow humans) 2. True Story 3. Baby joke 4. Difference between Man and Woman 5. Almanac humor: Great example of gallows humor 6. Addr: Brain Dead Trivia 7. Math humor: Half-way experiment 8. American baseball joke: What is a balk? 9. fulldeckisms part 1 of 7 10. Ass (mule) Poem 11. Offensive to 19.37% 12. Politics 13. Humor: The timeless chip announcement (spoof) 14. tasteless/offensive to elderly 15. Two gallegos in Las Vegas 16. Kurt Cobain 17. man joke 18. So You Want to be an Unrecognized Genius 19. Another Rooster Joke. 20. Excerpts from HOME ECONOMICS guide circa 1950's Part 2 21. Physicist solves the problem of the infertile chickens 22. Computer humour. Clean. 23. Life 4.C A collection of clean humor gathered on: 11 Mar 89 24. Humor: chain letter humor 25. Game Show Humor ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 00:50:04 -0500 From: Ian Chai Subject: Canine seeks house!! (must allow humans) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: jlibson@ncsa.uiuc.edu (Joe) Newsgroups: uiuc.classifieds Subject: Canine seeks house!! (must allow humans) Hello, I am a 13 year old female german shepherd looking for a place to stay. I have the unfortunate complication of requiring housing for one human also. The human is male, l behaved and house broken (not fixed however...I know, it was irresponsible of me, but he put up such a fuss). I have had the human all my life, and so I am reluctant to part with him. He doesn't care *where* he lives, but *I* need a place on the first floor since at my ripe old age, I have trouble with stairs. I also would like a room in a house (rather than an apartment) so that I would have a yard and such to lounge in. I can of course arrange for him to sleep on the floor in my room, so we wouldn't need separate rooms or anything. Well, it's a hassle typing with one's nose so I'll cut this short. If you have a room in a house for rent, please email him at the address below. I prefer not to give out my own phone number and such, so please direct all correspondence through him. He is up all hours, so call whenever you like. Woof, Belle How to contact the human: ======================================= Name: Joe Libson Phone Numbers: (217)355-3955 (h) (217)244-3008 (w) Office: 5349 BI Email: jlibson@ncsa.uiuc.edu Shots good thru: 6/95 ======================================= ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 07:45:09 -0500 From: Nisheeth Vijay Parekh Subject: True Story A woman came to the Emergency Room/Department complaining of "female problems." As the physician was obtaining her history he asked her, "Are you sexually active?" She replied, "No -- I just lay there." ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 15:04:38 GMT-2 From: "Alon D. Ucko" Subject: Baby joke What is worse than finding 12 babies in a garbage bin? Finding one baby in 12 garbage bins. ___________________ Nicole M. Van Brunt Please contact me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 10:30:48 -0400 From: Sharon Rondeau Subject: Difference between Man and Woman A woman is looking for one man to satisfy her every want and need. A man is looking for every woman to satisfy his one want and need. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 11:51:06 EST From: Tommy Hughes Subject: Almanac humor: Great example of gallows humor Two brothers coming once to be executed for some enormous crime, the eldest was turn off first, without speaking one word: the other mounted the ladder, began to harrangue the crowd, whose ears were attentively open to hear him, expecting some confession from him. "Good people," says he, "my brother hangs before my face, and you see what a lamentable spectacle he makes; in a few moments I shall be turned off too, and then you will see a pair of spectacles." (Father Hutchins Revived for 1793) Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early American Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 11:31:01 EST From: Kevin Cain Subject: Addr: Brain Dead Trivia FROM: Kevin R. Cain 1. Q: How do you know a baby is really ugly? A: The mother burps it with a baseball bat. 2. Q: Why is being gay like cigarette smoking? A: Either way, too many butts can kill you. 3. Q: Why did the naked Polish girl remove the mirror from her bathroom door? A: She saw a crack in it. 4. Q: Did you hear about the chicken with a yeast infection? A: It smelled fowl. 5. Q: How do you stop a leper from robbing you? A: You disarm him. 6. Q: What's the definition of "quack"? A: A perfect pwace to put a pwick. 7. Q: What do Polacks use for calculators? A: A giant hand with 1,000,000 fingers. 8. Q: What did one lesbian say to the other? A: "Your face or mine?" 9. Q: Did you hear about the Polish skydiver who fell to his death? A: His surfboard failed to open. 10. Q: What do you call a rabbit with diarrhea? A: Peter Rotten Tail. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 12:45:01 EST From: Sim Webster Subject: Math humor: Half-way experiment A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the woman on the bed." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?" The physicist smiles and replied, "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!" ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 13:12:50 EST From: Angel Dey Subject: American baseball joke: What is a balk? >What are the circumstances for a balk? I've seen'em and notice >that some pitchers get away with more than others, but I'm not >clear on what constitutes one. Maybe I'm calling the wrong >thing a balk. Here's the official rule: 103.1.2.5/j37921: When, in the opinion of the umpire, the game is boring and the umpire has not recently asserted his authority, a balk may be called at a randomly selected pitch with runners on base. [What will you bet, I think a pitcher wrote this???] ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 10:39:00 PDT From: "Wayland Wasserman (temp)" Subject: fulldeckisms part 1 of 7 This was sent to me by a slightly diseased friend. I've broken it into 80 line chunks so it's only huge. If Bill asks me to stop I will (hear that Bill?) ------------------------------ apologies for possible repeats. . . . CANONICAL LIST OF FULLDECKISMS Maintained by Alan Silverstein, ajs@fc.hp.com Last update: 940404 Total entries: 488 A compendium of insults and "not all there" comments from various sources, beginning with rec.humor, April 1987. Criteria: Humorousness; uniqueness of essence (minimize redundancy); brevity; consistency; avoid gender bias, ethnic slurs, and other really offensive material; keep in sorted order with correct spelling and grammar. "Body by Fisher -- brains by Mattel." $HOME = /dev/null. 3K RAM free, no EMS. A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth. A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards. A brain like a BB in a boxcar. A couplet short of a sonnet. A day late and a dollar short. A deadbolt with a broken cylinder. A few beers short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case. A few bombs/melons short of a full load. A few bricks short of a wall / hod. A few clowns short of a circus. A few french fries short of a Happy Meal. A few open splices. A few peas short of a casserole. A few pickles short of a jar. A few pies short of a holiday. A few planes short of an Air Force. A few revisions behind. A few sandwiches short of a picnic. A few screws loose. A few spoons short of a full set. A few tiles missing from his space shuttle. A few tiles short of a successful re-entry. A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree. A few volts below threshold. A few yards short of the hole. A flower short of an arrangement. A flying buttress short of a cathedral. A handle short of a suitcase. A kangaroo loose in her top paddock. A lap behind the field. A little light in his loafers. A looney tune. A mental midget. -- Moe Howard (?) A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body. A notch off the timing mark. A one-bit brain with a parity error. A pane short of a window. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on. A quart low. A return with no gosub. A room temperature IQ. A semitone flat on the high notes. A signature short of a book. A sleeve/button short of a shirt. A span short of a bridge. A square with only three sides. A teabag short of a pot. A teapot with a cracked lid. A titanic intellect... In a world full of icebergs. A tower short of a castle. A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world. A VGA card and a Herc monitor. A victim of retroactive birth control. A violin minus the bow. A wind-up clock without a key. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 11:18:00 PDT From: Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber Subject: Ass (mule) Poem This was posted on a horse/mule model horse group. The Ass A poem by Allie Davidson, dedicate to Kate Cabot I really love my ass but it looks kinda funny. It likes to go outside when the weather's warm and sunny Sometimes when its lonely it makes a nasty sound. It gets rather fuzzy when the winter comes around. My ass it loves attention I brush it every day. People like to see it so I put it on display. But, I'd never sell my ass it's attached to me you see, but if you ask me nicely I'll loan it out for free. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 14:19:49 -0400 From: Lee Bradley Subject: Offensive to 19.37% Two old women were sitting on the front porch of the retirement home, rocking in those great big chairs you always see there. "Elvira," says Sarah, "I hear you been telling people that my husband has got a wart on his thang." Ptttttt, spits Sarah, before answering, "You know, Elvira, tha's jist how rumors gets started. I didn't say he had a wart on his thang; I said it FELT like it!" The next joke is not offensive to other male chauvinist pigs: Back in the 19th century, Harry and Susan were married one afternoon at the town church, and they hopped in the horse and buggy for the ride to their new house in the next hollow. They were just riding along, full of joy and happiness, and they came to a stream. The horse balked and refused to cross it, despite Harry's goadings. Harry got down, walked in front of the horse, pointed his finger, and said, "That's one!" He got back in, and somehow, they continued their journey. Then they came to a rather steep incline. The horse balked again. Harry got down, stood in front of the horse, pointed his finger, and said, "That's two!" They continued on their way. The horse balked a third time. Harry got down, stood in front of the horse, and said, "That's three!" and shot the horse between the eyes. Susan started screaming and hollering: "You crazy fool! What did you kill the horse for? Now HOW are we doing to get home? What were you thinking of? How could you be so cruel? Etc...." Harry pointed his finger at her and said, "That's one!" Un certain monsieur de Melun [e ouvert nasal, pas oe nasal] dit, < Subject: Politics ******Resolution of the Council Board of Canton, Miss.****** 1. Resolved by this council that we build a new jail 2. Resolved that the new jail be built from the materials of the old jail 3. Resolved that the old jail be used until the new jail is finished ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 14:40:22 -0400 From: "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now." Subject: Humor: The timeless chip announcement (spoof) Timeless announcement The Zurich laboratory unveiled the world's fastest chip this week. The chip, code named "Timeless", is based on high temperature superconductors and is capable of transferring data signals faster than the speed of light. This makes it possible for a computer based on this chip to produce answers before questions are asked. Using this technology, the Hursley laboratory has been able to produce a program product before the user requirements were known. Industry analysts found the Hursley announcement humorous, citing that IBM has been writing program products without user requirements for years. Products created using the Hursley method are still expected to miss their ship dates due to the excessive length of the Fall and Spring planning cycles. The Communication Products Systems Test organization is using the same technology to test program products in zero days. Said a spokesperson in Raleigh, "It's amazing. Just preparing to test the software thoroughly causes it to be tested. It's like the system can read your mind." Oddly enough, planning experts in System Test are reporting that regardless of the productivity gains realized by the Timeless chip, the average test duration is expected to be nine months. There have been rumors of some odd side-effects of the Timeless chip. Some customers have been receiving products before they order them. Most customers we interviewed did admit that they were planning to order the new software when it arrived. They said that they liked the speed with which the products arrived, but they disliked IBM's new policy of billing them before they ordered anything. Said an IBM billing expert, "We knew they were going to think about ordering some software, so we thought we would think about billing them." IBM Service has made some exciting advances in hardware and software maintenance based on these side-effects. IBM Service worldwide has begun a free preventative maintenance program in which the IBM Customer Engineers think about fixing all the problems of every customer. Said an IBM Service representative, "The program is working very well. Service calls are down 99%. The only calls we are getting now are to fix hardware and software that hasn't been invented yet." If you are thinking of ordering computer systems which use the Timeless chip, they can be ordered from IBM by calling 1-800-426-2486. Of course, if you have been thinking about ordering one, it is probably on its way to you right now. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 10:15:00 EST From: "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" Subject: tasteless/offensive to elderly Told to me last night over the phone by my brother... Q. What's 30 feet long and reeks of urine? A. A line dance at the old folks' home. Sheesh! S ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 13:13:23 -0600 From: Jose Alejandro Ceballos Subject: Two gallegos in Las Vegas "Two gallegos [insert your favorites here] went to Las Vegas, and one said to the other: - Come on Manuel, let's play something!. - No Venancio, I don't know how to play this games like bakara, BlackJack, poker, etc. -Neither do I. But look, there are some coin machines. Give me one coin. Venancio take the coin, insert it to the machine, pull the trigger and Cuas, pum, crash, squash -Special effects-.... - We win Venancio!, We win!. Let me do it!. Manuel takes another coin,insert it to the machine, pull the trigger and Cuas, pum, crash, squash -Special effects-.... - We win again!. Let do it again. They do this over and over again, winning each time, until Venancio said: - Manuel, I thing we must stop. - Why? We are winning all the time.. - Yes, but what are we gonna do with that lot of Coke's cans? -=-=-=- And remember: The jokes of gallegos doesn't exist, all of them are anecdotic. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 14:36:40 CDT From: Jim Duffen Subject: Kurt Cobain Offensive to Nirvana fans. What was the last thing Kurt Cobain's brain saw? His teeth. Jim University of Missouri ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 15:03:51 CDT From: Brian Gill Subject: man joke Why is a man like lenoleum? If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for the next ten years!!! ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 13:05:37 PDT From: Cindy Parker Subject: So You Want to be an Unrecognized Genius Yes folks, it's time for another installment from MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT KIND OF GENIUS ARE YOU? Consult this handy career-guidance chart IF YOU LIKE | BUT YOU DON'T LIKE | THEN YOU CAN BECOME ---------------------------------------------------------------------- images | security, well-being, | a powerful painter | jollity | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- sounds | comfort, dream vacations, | a unique composer | fun | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- words | friends, money, | a delicate poet | being understood | ______________________________________________________________________ THINGS TO HATE 1. Mom 6. TV 2. Dad 7. Rich people 3. God 8. Your boss 4. Foreigners 9. Your friends 5. High school 10. Humor a) the teachers b) the phonies c) the prom DON'T FORGET YOUR SECRET PROJECT!! 1. Make plenty of notes 5. Draw a diagram 2. Ruminate 6. Ruminate some more 3. Take a nap 7. Don't show your work 4. Make a list to anyone until it's finished **Note to authors**: For best results, type your manuscripts single-spaced with no margins using an old typewriter ribbon. Use lots of underlining and exclamation points, and don't forget those all-important smudges and coffee stains that show the consuming intensity of your inner torment. WHAT TO TALK TO YOURSELF ABOUT |_| Bizarre conspiracy |_| How the world can go to Hell for |_| Lower back pain all you care |_| How stupid everyone is |_| What you're going to do when you get a million dollars WHAT THE WELL-DRESSED GENIUS IS WEARING Generally, fashions and hairstyles that were popular approximately a decade ago. THINGS TO DO TODAY |_| Glare at shoppers in the grocery store |_| Write a frothing letter to the editor |_| Mumble menacingly under one's breath at the laundromat |_| Walk out of the art gallery opening in a huff |_| Masturbate gloomily THE MANY MOODS OF THE GIFTED VISIONARY *irked *vexed *crabbed *perturbed *glum *surly *snappy *peevish *grumpy *sullen *sulky *sour *deadly PRACTICE YOUR AUTOGRAPH for your impending day of fame RAINY-DAY GENIUS FUN PROJECT Deface photographs of models and celebrities in magazines. THE SECRET MOTTO OF THE SECRET GENIUS (tattooed on -ss) Live slow Die in late middle age Leave an arterio-sclerotic corpse ______________________________________________________________________ Cindy Parker - Newport Beach, CA ------------------------------------------------------------------ 1 ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 15:42:00 CST From: DANRICH SCOT Subject: Another Rooster Joke. This joke was told to me by a friend in 1987, while we were in the U.S. Army, at Schofield Barracks in "B" Quad. If you're out there, "Howdy!", Cordell Birch. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ -=* Zeke & the Two Roosters *=- Once apon a time, there was a farmer that kept chickens to produce eggs, and his name was Zeke. 'Ol Zeke was starting to have problems with egg production, so he decided to replace his old & decrepit rooster with a new one. The first one didn't work out, and neither did the second. Anyhow, he went and got himself a brand-new rooster at the County Fair - *Garaunteed To Work*. Well, he threw the new one in the chicken yard, and this what followed when the new rooster 'squared off' with the old one: Old: "Who are you?" Young: "I'm the new stud around here, and I'm gonna kick yer ass and take your flock!" Old: "Welll.... Let's not get too hasty here." Young: "What are you gonna do about it, old man?" Old: "What do you say to running a race; first one around the chicken yard wins." Young: "Sure!" Old: "Since I'm so old, what do you say to giving me a head start; say, from that post up there?" Young: "Alright. Hell, I'll blow you away and leave you eatin' my dust, then I'm gonna kick yer ass and take your flock anyhow!" At this point, the old rooster walks up to the post to get his headstart, and turns his head to face the younger rooster. Old: "Are you ready?" Young: "YEAH!" Old: "...Set?" Young: "YEAH!!" Old: "Go!!!" Well, the old rooster takes off flappin' & squawkin' and making all kinds of noise, and the young rooster takes off right after him flappin' & squawkin' and making even more noise. Old Zeke the farmer runs out of the barn, takes one look, pulls out his shotgun, and taking careful aim, blows the Young rooster to kingdom come, and says: "Third God-damn queer rooster this week!" Moral: Old age & treachery will overcome youth & skill. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 16:35:14 -0400 From: Doug Austin Subject: Excerpts from HOME ECONOMICS guide circa 1950's Part 2 From a high school text book. Lesson Three. "The Fascinating Womanhood Way To Welcome A Man When He Comes Home From Work. I'm working on a 90's version of this thing. If you have any suggestions please e-mail them to me ...austind@gov.on.ca. thanks. BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM: Greet him with a warm smile and act glad to see him. Tell him that it is good to have him home. This may make his day worthwhile. If there is any romance left in you, he needs it now. SOME DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Solve the problems you can before he gets home and save those you must discuss with him until later in the evening. Also, don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as a minor problem when compared with what he might have gone through that day. Don't allow the children to rush at him with problems or requests. Allow them to briefly greet their father but save demands for later. MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE: Have him lean back into a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to massage his neck and shoulders and take off his shoes. Don't insist on this however. Turn on music if it is one of his pleasures. Speak in a soft, soothing, pleasant voice. Allow him to relax - to unwind. LISTEN TO HIM: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, then he will be a more responsive listener later. MAKE THE EVENING HIS: Never complain if he dies not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and to relax. If he is cross or irritable, never fight back. Again, try to understand his world of strain. THE GOAL: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Then add to this the application of all the principals of Facinating Womanhood and your husband **will want to come home** (that's in italics) He will rather be with you than with anyone else in the world and will spend whatever time he can possibly spare with you. Try living all of these rules for his homecoming and see what happens. This is the way to bring a man home to your side, not by pressure, persuasion or moral obligation. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 18:20:01 -0500 From: WHAT'S THAT BLUE THING DOING HERE? Subject: Physicist solves the problem of the infertile chickens WARNING: You will probably not find this funny unless you are a physicist or know physicists (especially a theoretical physicist) There's this chicken farmer who has a huge problem. It seems that he can not get his chickens to produce at ALL. No matter what he tries out of the Chicken Rancher magazine, his chickens don't seem to be fertile at all. He tries everything. Finally, out of desparation, he has heard about this great physicist at the state university down the road who can solve any problem. So one day, the farmer packs up a couple of his chickens and travels down to the university. The physicist listens to his problem with careful thought and says "I think I can come up with a solution. Leave the chickens here and come back in two weeks." The excited farmer goes home to tend to his other farm duties. Two weeks roll by and the farmer drives back to the university. He walks into the physicists office and the physicists is ecstatic with the information he has. He says "I've solved your problem! It's really rather simple. Sit down there and I'll explain it to you." So the physicist starts drawing on the blackboard... He draws a circle with a beak on it... "First, we assume a spherical chicken." -Ogey James Madison University stu_mlogilvi@vax1.acs.jmu.edu "He asks a girl if they can both sit in a chair, but he doesn't get nervous, she's not even there. He wants a shoehorn, the kind with teeth; people should get beat up for stating their beliefs...What's the sense in ever thinking about the tomb when you're much too busy returning to the womb?" ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 18:04:41 -0400 From: "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto, CA" Subject: Computer humour. Clean. This was sent to me by a friend. I don't know what the original source was. From a discussion of the unix 'ed' editor ... Ed is the standard text editor. It is line-oriented and can be used interactively or in scripts. The philosophy behind its interface can best be described by the following story: Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the other numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes a mistake, a GIANT "?" lights up in the center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver," says he, "will usually know what's wrong." ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 16:20:35 PDT From: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 4.C A collection of clean humor gathered on: 11 Mar 89 ---------------------------------------------------- What's the optimal number of software reviewers? Answer: 3.1415926 Or three full time programmers and 11 1/2 week old German Shepherd puppy. ---------------------------------------------------- Several years ago I was working as an instructor at a computer camp. I was assigned to teach the introductory class in TTL logic and peripheral design. So there I was, explaining the TTL high and low states. "Five volts represents the 'high' state or a binary 1, and zero volts represents the 'low' state, or a binary 0." And I went on and on explaining the various TTL Gates (AND, NOR, NAND, etc). Finally, I got to the Inverter (or NOT gate). I explained that if you put 5 volts into it, you'll get 0 volts out, and if you put 0 volts into it you'll get 5 volts out. To this, one person replied: "Wouldn't that thing be awfully useful during a power failure?" ---------------------------------------------------- Tonight on PBS there a fascinating special documentary about the FORBIDDEN CITY in China. The announcer mentioned that it was forbidden because no one except emperors, their wives and UNIX were allowed inside the city walls. Imagine...What other operating systems were around those days? Why were they discriminated against? ---------------------------------------------------- A while back I used to work in a company doing workstations for stock and commodity brokers. These things are their bread and butter: if they don't work, they can't do *a thing*. They thus tend to get frustrated easily. One of them calls, and says, "No matter what I type, it doen't work". Get the machine exchanged, the keyboard is hopelessly damaged. A couple of days later, the same thing happens. We discovered that the guy used his *telephone handset* to bang on the keyboard to flip pages. The competition - obviously from similar experiences - had keyboards encased in sheetmetal, with very tough springs; these people only hit one key at a time anyway, and didn't touch type, so that was OK... In a similar vein, a frustrated customer had, on a bad trade, *ripped* his console from the data feed - the back panel was still hanging to the wall outlet. We got bit by this again when we introduced mice on our systems: now *they* were getting banged up by people using them do dial the phone!! To solve all these problems, we had to install routines to detect keyboard banging (lots of keys pressed too quickly in succession) and mouse banging (that took some work) and beep *real loud* - they'd get embarrassed and not do it anymore. Abuse management - a whole new area in user interfaces! ---------------------------------------------------- A couple summers ago, I worked at a university department where the following event occured. One of the people in accounting had this program called DRAIN.EXE which first displays a message System Error -- There is water in the disk drive Taking care of it now Draining water from disk drive This is when the program starts to make trickling sounds. Then, after a few seconds, it would print the message Starting spin cycle Here, the disk drive would start spinning and the computer makes a sort of whirring sound which increases incrementally in pitch. Then it would all stop and display the message that everything was now OK and the person could use the computer. Well, as I said, one person had this program which he left on a disk in the victim's computer. He naturally set-up the AUTOEXEC.BAT file to run the program. Having been forewarned about the afternoon entertainment, we waited for the tell-tale noise. Later, as planned the victim turns on her computer. As we listened, we heard the trickling sound. Then it stopped. Then we heard it again. When we looked into her office, she looking underneath the computer. Perhaps she was looking for the water draining out of the disk drive. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 21:24:31 -0400 From: TK Baltimore Subject: Humor: chain letter humor If you read this and then copy it and send it out to 549,677,259,318 different people across the world, you will recieve good luck in three days. Bill Raynaldo did it, and within three days, he found the pen that he had lost a few days before. Samantha Buttman did it, and within three days, her car stopped making that funny noise every time it switched gears. Mayor DeStephano of New Haven did it, and three days later, he was still Mayor. Bill Clinto did it, and within three days, an "n" got added to the end of his name and he was suddenly the president of the United States in an alternate universe. George Foreman did it, and had a girl three days later, out of his head. And Rayshawn Foghat did it, only he died two days later, or else he would have found a candy bar or something. If you fail to do this, as 99.99985% of readers reportedly have, you will die within 124 years, at most, and will quite possibly misplace a small writing utensil somewhere, sometime, within the near future. You are also susceptible to destruction by the impending heat death of the universe, whether or not you follow the instructions. Sascha Budinger only wrote 549,677,259,317 copies. He claims it was a clerical error, nevertheless, the next day, he found toenail clippings littered in his campus dining hall pudding. Peter Rabbitboker failed to make any copies and somehow recieved 549,677,259,317 copies the next day from a mysterious source labeled "Sascha Budinger." He, too, claims it was a clerical error. Little did he know, his winning Publisher's Clearing House number, worth 26 million dollars, was sandwiched betweeen the 227,582,790,113th and 227,582,790,114th envelopes. Bob Dero simply read the letter and laughed, as a reported 99.9997% of recipients do, and due to some as yet unexplained cosmic event, his left earlobe suddenly vanished. Chelsea Clinton did not follow the given instructions, and was subsequently born the next day. Weigh matters carefully, and decide whether or not your future can afford to pass up this generous offer of good luck. Be warned, however, that the copying of the specified number of letters can take up to 48 human life years, if you're really, really fast. And remember, each one must be individually typed, and copied exactly, with absolutely no spelling errrors of any kind, whatsoever, and enclosed in a hand-made, 40% post-consumer waste manila envelope (so as not to waste any trees). Good luck, your writing utensils and left earlobes are counting on you. (copy # 318,344,972,109; Aug. 3, 1856 B.C.) ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 22:47:11 -0500 From: Ryan Hinch Subject: Game Show Humor I don't think this has been posted but pardon me if it has. Back when Dick Clark had the game show Ten Thousand Dollar Pyramid (I think that was the name of it) a black lady appeared on the show. She made it to the lightning round in which contestants are given one word clues by their partner and the try to guess the word or phrase. The topic of this particular round was animals. The following are: the word or phrase, the clue(s) given by her partner an the black woman's answer. Keep in mind the topic is animals. Word Clue Answer ---- ---- ------ Antelope Elk, Large, Antlers Antelope Bear Grizzly Bear Cow Moo Cow Deer Doe Knob ========================================================================= ------------------------------