From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 5 May 1994 There are 14 messages totalling 455 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Practical joke 2. True Story 3. Prayer of Democrats 4. Dog and Cat 5. Baseball (Sort of), Clean 6. Slightly Off Color -- May be offensive to women. 7. aphorism - clean 8. Sexual Joke 9. Womanhood edits (fwd) 10. nuptial conversation 11. Humor: How to discuss middle east politics 12. Humor: Academic talk (offensive to professors) 13. vasectomy humor: not offensive but slightly 'sensitive' 14. 3 legged chicken joke ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 5 May 1994 09:47:36 METDST From: Jan Kucera Subject: Practical joke Henry Cate's joke about "draining" the PC reminded me of a practical joke we played upon our technician of an ICL mainframe. Inspired by HAL 9000 in Space Odyssey we sent a message to the console (adhering to the formal style of kernel messages) saying: "SCU failure expected in next 1 hour due to insufficient greasing". (SCU was a peripheral controller - pure electronic unit with no moving parts). The operator called the technician, and he began to study the hardware manuals to find what's going on. After an hour he came to us saying desperately that according to the manuals there was nothing to grease - and we burst into laugh. -- Jan Kucera: kuc@fce.vutbr.cz (or .cs) ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 May 1994 14:55:41 GMT-2 From: "Alon D. Ucko" Subject: True Story This "true story" has done the rounds so many times it is now almost urban legend. Here in South Africa some of our townships have, on occasion, been reduced to a war-zone by orgies of violence by opposing tribal factions. One of the preferred tools for human mutilation is the panga, a long broad flat knife not unlike a machete. The story goes that one night, this man walks into the local clinic with a panga embedded square in the middle of his skull. As the hospital was understaffed and overbusy the poor guy was left to sit, leaning over a bucket slowly filling with blood, in line in the waiting room waiting to be attended to. A few minutes later the nurse notices the man with the panga chatting to another man. As the man with the panga had not been accompanied by anyone when he came in she was curios to know who he was. She walked up to the visitor and asked, "Are you a relative?" The reply; "No, I've come to get my panga" ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 May 1994 09:35:31 -0400 From: Larry Randall Subject: Prayer of Democrats PSALM 1992 - 1996 FIRST BOOK OF DEMOCRATS BILL CLINTON IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WANT. HE LEADETH ME BESIDE THE STILL FACTORIES. HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT. YEA, THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE BREAD LINE. I SHALL NOT GO HUNGRY. CLINTON HAS ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES. MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME. SURLY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE. THE DEMOCRATS AND I WILL LIVE IN A RENTED HOUSE FOREVER. BUT I AM GLAD I AM AN AMERICAN. I AM GLAD I AM FREE. BUT, I WISH I WAS A DOG, AND BILL CLINTON WAS A TREE. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY; YOU CAN'T STAY YOUNG FOREVER BUT YOU CAN STAY IMMATURE. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 May 1994 09:06:05 MST From: Phil Corless Subject: Dog and Cat Pet Theory: With a dog, you feed him, you give him plenty of affection, you take him for walks and he thinks, "Wow, this guy must be a god. With a cat, however, you feed him, you love him, you care for him and he thinks, "Wow, I must be a god." ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 May 1994 12:53:08 EST From: John Swift Subject: Baseball (Sort of), Clean Q: What do you get when you cross Lee J. Iacoca with a Louisville Slugger? A. AUTOEXEC.BAT Ouch Swifty ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 May 1994 13:59:04 -0500 From: "Dr. Jeffry Luria" Subject: Slightly Off Color -- May be offensive to women. Fellow wakes up one morning, singing and whistling to himself, "I feel great, just great". Goes down to greet his wife, and tells her, "I feel great, honey!" She replies,. "Well you look terrible"! He shakes his head and starts out to work thinking, "She's probably in a bad mood, can't appreciate my good feelings". Meets his best friend, Joe and says, "Joe, I feel great". Joe looks at him and says "Jeez, you really look terrible"! At this point the fellow is becoming worried and wonders, "Maybe I've got some unusual disease or something." He quickly calls his physician and heads on over for an emergency consult. He tells the physician, "Doc, I feel great, but everyone is telling me I look terrible." To which the physician replies, "Well, you do look terrible. Let me look this up." The physician consults his handbook (Merck, of course) and leafing through the pages mutters to himself: "Feels great, looks great, no that's not you". "Feels terrible, looks terrible, no that's not you". "Feels great, looks terrible...Yes that's you... "It says here you're a vagina!" ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 May 1994 11:34:56 -0800 From: Larry Richards Subject: aphorism - clean The world is full of people who want to be immortal and don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 May 1994 14:19:00 -0400 From: "jon (j.) bisbey" Subject: Sexual Joke A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly. The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?" The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs." The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!" ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 May 1994 15:21:05 GMT From: "J. Davis" Subject: Womanhood edits (fwd) Over the last few days, Doug Austin has sent us all some excerpts from a Canadian Home Ec book. I'm sure many found it offensive (I did not). I forwarded these excerpts to various people at our institution and received a reply from our English 100 director. I thought you all might enjoy the additions! "The Fascinating Womanhood Way to Welcome a Man When He Comes Home From Work" or: 'Sign Up Now for Your Frontal Lobotomy' GET YOUR WORK DONE: Plan your tasks with an eye on the clock (Three more hours of freedom!). Finish or interrupt them an hour before he is expected (read: turn off Oprah.). Your anguished cry, "Are you home already?" is not exactly a warm welcome. (Neither is "Is that your fatass?") HAVE DINNER READY: Plan ahead, even the night before to have a delicious meal, on time. (Read: Have that Domino's number scrawled in an easily readable place on the wall beside the phone.) This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. ("Will the bastard want beer?") Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed (say "YO, Big Boy. Just pop that in the microwave on two minutes!"). PREPARE YOURSELF: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives (read: turn Oprah back on). This will also make you happy to see him instead of too tired to care (at least he isn't one of those slease balls who dated your mother at the same time you were engaged). Turn off the worry and be glad to be alive and grateful for the man who is going to walk in (read: will three quick shots make him look like Kevin Costner?). While you are resting you can be thinking about your F.W. assignment and all you can do to make him happy and give his spirits a lift (read: offer him three shots, too). When you arise, take care of your appearance (read: lose the bathrobe and switch to sweats). Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking (read: This will really get him worried.). He has just been with a lot of work-weary people (What, eight hours with playdough smeared on the cat isn't taxing?). Be a little gay and little more interesting (How is it that you can be just a little gay? That would be interesting!). CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER: Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gather up school books, toys, paper, etc. in a bucket or wastebasket and put them in the back bedroom for sorting later (read: do your spring cleaning--and what back bedrooms might those be on this louse's income?). Then run the dust cloth over the tables (to get the pizza crumbs from last night). Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too (yeah, we all get off on smelling that Pledge shine). Having the house in order is another way of letting him know that you care and have planned for this homecoming (although turning off Oprah seems like a big enough concession already). PREPARE THE CHILDREN: Take just a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes (actually just locating the children seems sufficient). They are little treasures (monsters), and he would like to see them (so how about eight hours each day?). MINIMIZE ALL NOISE: Especially give heed to this if your husband has to join the rush hour traffic (oh, poor dear). At the time of his arrival eliminate noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum (NO PROBLEM!). Try to encourage the children to be quiet at the time of their father's arrival (no sense getting into the breakfast of Ho-Ho's, or the visit from "Uncle Fabio"). Let them be a little noisy beforehand to get it out of their systems (read: you breath a word of this and you have to spend the entire night with your father while he channel surfs!). More later. I hope you have all enjoyed it. Oh, any responses should be sent to JDAVIS@ALLEGVM.BITNET. I'm just trying out our new EMAIL system which is not fully up yet! ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 May 1994 16:47:57 -0400 From: George Olson Subject: nuptial conversation Wife: Would you die for me? Husband: Mine is an undying love. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 May 1994 17:55:08 EDT From: Bill Subject: Humor: How to discuss middle east politics With the clear voices and strong hands of moderation seeming to taken control in the middle east, Tsiel Ohayon's cynical comment about the middle eastern debate may soon be passe. HUMOR still welcomes applications for the contributor's list. Write Bill (see address at the bottom) and he will send you information about being a contributor and a application form. If you will be giving up your e-mail account, please remember to SIGNOFF HUMOR before you leave. Please rejoin us when you next have an opportunity. Please recommend HUMOR to others. From: ohayon@jcpltyo.JCPL.CO.JP (Tsiel Ohayon) Newsgroups: talk.politics.mideast Subject: Re: talk.politics.mideast charter? >In article <2gb9k3$omo@scunix2.harvard.edu> Christopher Stone writes: >[CS] Would someone please e-mail me the charter to talk.politics.mideast? 1) If you are a Jew, pick an Arab on the net and flame him. 2) If you are an Arab, pick a Jew on the net and flame him. 3) If you are neither an Arab nor a Jew, flame whoever you want. 4) Never make sense when talking Middle Eastern Politics, becasue you cannot get flamed. 5) Always try to make yourself look like some politico-religious fanatic otherwise you will not get flamed. 6) Re-invent history whenever possible. Source: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu) ===================================================================== To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUB HUMOR Call- name FamilyName. A command goes in the 1st line of the message field. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 May 1994 19:36:31 -0400 From: TK Baltimore Subject: Humor: Academic talk (offensive to professors) The left is what the professor says, the right is what the professor means. By J. Timothy Petersik from the Chronicle of Higher Education You'll be using one of the leading I used it as a grad student. textbooks in the field. If you follow these few simple rules, If you don't need any sleep, you'll you'll do fine in the course. do fine in the course. The gist of what the author is saying I don't understand the details is what's most important. either. Various authorities agree that... My hunch is that... The answer to your question is beyond I don't know. the scope of this class. You'll have to see me during my office I don't know. hours for a thorough answer to your question. In answer to your question, you must I really don't know. recognize that there are several disparate points of view. Today we are going to discuss a most Today we are going to discuss my important topic. dissertation. Unfortunately, we haven't the time to I disagree with what roughly half of consider all of the people who made the people in this field have said. contributions to this field. We can continue this discussion outside 1. I'm tired of this - let's quit. of class. 2. You're winning the arguement - let's quit Today we'll let a member of the class I stayed out to late last night and lead the discussion. It will be a good didn't have time to prepare educational experience. lecture. Any questions? I'm ready to let you go. The implications of this study are I don't know what it means either, clear. but there'll be a question about it on the test. The test will be 50-questions The test will be 60-questions multiple multiple choice. guess, plus three short-answer questions (1000 words or more) and no one will score above 55 per cent. The test scores were generally good. Some of you managed a C+. The test scores were a little below Where was the party last night? my expectations. Some of you could have done better. Everyone flunked. Before we begin the lecture for Has anyone opened the book yet? today, are there any questions about previous material? According to my sources... According to the guy who taught this class last year... It's been very rewarding to teach I hope they find someone else to this class. teach it next year. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 May 1994 19:51:20 EDT From: STCS000 Subject: vasectomy humor: not offensive but slightly 'sensitive' hello, i became a contributor to this list to relate this story which i don't find funny anymore simply because i take it for granted, but the first time that one sees it, the unbelievability of it is amazing. i'm from marietta, georgia (in the infamous cobb county), and i don't know if this is common practice in the south or in the u.s.a. or in the world, but for some reason in marietta it is not uncommon to see an add on a large, roadside billboard for vasectomy clinics. as you can imagine, they get pretty creative with their ads, but this one has to be my favorite: the only words on it are the name of the clinic and the phrase "be BRAVE, think reversal" [with an obvious implication of the hometown favorite baseball team, the atlanta braves]. this in itself is funny, as if just the act of advertising this service on the side of the road isn't funny enough, but the best part about the ad is the picture which shows two baseballs, side by side, with band-aids on them. this particular add beats the one that claims a vasectomy is a "piece of cake" [with a picture of a very suggestive piece being cut from a cake], and even the one that bills a vasectomy as "the gift that keeps on giving" [i haven't allowed myself to ponder this one too deeply]. is this a phenomenon only to be found in cobb county, that banned all public funding of the arts because of a local play that dealt in homosexuality, and has publically denounced the "homosexual lifestyle"? anyone coming north out of atlanta on I-75 now sees this beautiful work of art. if anyone has any other good vasectomy clinic billboards they've seen, or would like to see, i'd love for you to share them with me. until next time, big mike reynolds@phoenix.cs.uga.edu stcs@music.cc.uga.edu p.s. some time ago someone asked if cecil adams' column, "the straight dope" was available through e-mail and i never saw a posted response. if anyone knows the answer, please e-mail me at the above address. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 May 1994 23:23:32 EST From: Sara Rummelhart Subject: 3 legged chicken joke A man was driving down a county road one day, when he notices that there is a chicken pacing him on the far shoulder of the road. Not being in much of a hurry and this being a small road, he was only driving about 35 mph. Still though, he was a bit surprised, so he accelerated to 50 mph and was satisfied to see the bird slowly fall behind, and thought no more of it. That is, until a moment later he saw the chicken catching up to him. And then passing him. The man pressed on and was only barely keeping up with the chicken, when suddenly the chicken turned sharply down a drive. At this point, the man was quite amazed and followed the chicken down the drive to the farmhouse at the end, whereupon he met the farmer: "Did you see that chicken? It was running over 60 mph!", said the driver. "Yep. They're darned fast alright. I bred 'em myself." "What makes them so fast?" "They got three legs." "Three legs? How did they get three legs?" "Well, me and Ma and Jr. all love the drumstick the best, so last Fall I bred some fryers with 3 legs, so's we can each have one at supper." "Amazing! Are they good to eat?" "Don't know. Ain't caught one yet." ========================================================================= ------------------------------