From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Jul 1994 There are 21 messages totalling 924 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. DIRTY ROTTEN FILTH 2. ( ) Dorothy Parker-isms 3. offensive for Germans 4. Star Trek Lost Episode (part 2 of 2, not 3) 5. The 14 Commandments of the Religious Left (Political) 6. religous humor - clean 7. PETITES HISTOIRES DROLES (fwd) NOT OFFENSIVE 8. Early Am. almanac humor: Two clergy jokes 9. Senior Citizen Sex 10. Life 5.5 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 6 Jul 89 11. clean jokes 12. Irish joke 13. Bad Little Johnny 14. Offensive to women 15. Clean 16. Sexual content... 17. A POEM 18. Memory joke 19. Sexy talk 20. THE UNOFFICIAL OJ SIMPSON JOKE LIST 21. David Letterman's Top Ten List for 07/01/94 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 10:13:00 JST From: Paul Randolph Subject: DIRTY ROTTEN FILTH "You've got no tits and a tight box," he said. "Get off my back," she replied. What's a lapdog? An ugly woman who gives good head. Mom: "Honey, you have rice in your hair, were you at a wedding?" Daughter: "No, I was blowing some Japanese guy and he puked on me." What's the slimiest thing in the world? Two eels screwing in a bucket of snot. Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because sheep can hear zippers a mile away. What do you call a fat alien pig that porks everybody? Jabba the slut. How do you make a woman scream twice? Fuck her in the ass, then wipe it on the curtains. Paul Randolph Okayama, Japan ========================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 05:43:43 EDT From: Allan KcKellar Subject: ( ) Dorothy Parker-isms ----------------------- Mail item text follows --------------- To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL From : Allan McKellar Subject: ( ) Dorothy Parker-isms From short article in UK national newspaper on 30th June ( I'm sure they're likely to have been posted before, ) ( anyone got more ? ) On Katherine Hepburn : She ran the gamut of emotion, from A to B On the death of Calvin Cooldidge : How could they tell ? Hiawatha nice girl until I met you That woman speaks 18 languages, and can't say "no" in any of them If all the girls at the Yale prom were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be at all surprised One more drink and I'll be under the host Regards, Allan SD Production Support, ISSC Greenock ______________ IEA: GBIBM5V7 at IBMMAIL ( 0475-895176 ) ------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 13:37:21 +0000 From: Raimund Hoevelmann Subject: offensive for Germans An American friend of mine wrote me this little 'joke' : The USA have Bill Clinton The Germans have Helmut Kohl Stevie Wonder no Wonder Bob Hope no Hope Jonny Cash no Cash Raimund Hoevelmann Frankfurt-University-Hospital, Germany ========================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 05:46:48 -0700 From: Gary Watson Subject: Star Trek Lost Episode (part 2 of 2, not 3) [hopwoogr@kai.ee.cit.ac.nz (Grant HOPWOOD)] didn't write this, he just forwarded it to comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.adventure for everyone's amusement. Author: jrd@roddenberry.ebt.com (john r. durand) "Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript. We left our crew yesterday, waiting for the installation of Windows to shut down the BORG. The Borg have discovered solitare. "Let's wait and see how long this `Solitaire' can reduce their functionality." . . . Two Hours Pass . . . "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?" "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more `Windows' modules from something called the `Microsoft Fun-pack'. "How much time will that buy us?" "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours." "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector." "Identify." "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo..." "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP _MONOPOLY_. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY." "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects." "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!" "My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!" "I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits." "Lawyers!!" "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening." "True, but appearently some must have survived." "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers." "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as `red tape'. It often proves fatal." "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!" "Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesnt deserve such a gruesome death!" -- "SATAN! SATAN! The megafurnace is about to blow! The temperature shes rising! I cannae hold her for much longer!..." - Scotty in Hell. Contributed to Humor by Gary Watson, Los Gatos, CA ========================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 09:06:25 -0400 From: Paul Robinson Subject: The 14 Commandments of the Religious Left (Political) Rush Limbaugh announced the following on his TV show, June 29. It was reprinted in the July 1, {Washington [DC] Times}. He stated that with all the attacks on the "religious right" by the liberals, it was time to find out what their agenda was, so without further delay, here is The 14 Commandments of the Religious Left (in no particular order): 1. Thou shalt have no other God except thyself, after all, it's thy self-esteem that counts. If thou doth not love thyself, who will? 2. Thou shalt not make any gravn image out of any substances which cannot be recycled. 3. Thou shalt not take the name of liberals in criticism, including feminists, racial minorities, or any person who thinks he is a victim of America. 4. Remember the anniversaries of {Roe v. Wade} and Anita Hill's testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee, and keep them holy. 5. Honor thy mother. If she's dysfunctional, it's thy father's fault. 6. Thou shalt not kill. With these exceptions: life forms under the second trimester, and those opting for medically assisted suicides. 7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. Unless thou aspirest to high political office, weareth a condom, or cannot help it. 8. Thou shalt not steal. Unless thou art disadvantaged or upset with a [California] jury verdict. 9. Thou shalt not bear false witness. Unless thou are discussing the history of the 1980s, art campaigning, or can afford good legal counsel in the event thou art discovered. 10. Thou shalt not covet. Unless thou art the victim of gender-related oppression or institutional racism, or art still angy with Reagan's tax cuts. 11. Always hide the real truth about thyself. 12. Never admit who or what thou really art when campaigning for office. 13. Always blame someone else for what thou art - even so far as to blame the entire society. 14. Thou shalt oppose all punishment - except when conservative Republicans or religious right people criticise thee. ========================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 10:18:11 -0400 From: "D. E. Gulledge" Subject: religous humor - clean Late one Saturday night, after a long and difficult day of visiting hospitals, nursing homes and elderly members of the congregation, a southern baptist preacher was making his weary way home. As he traveled the hilly, curving country road, he overtook a car. The slow moving car was weaving from one side of the road to the other in a most disturbing manner. Being familiar with most residents of the area he recognized the car as belonging to a member of his congregation. "Oh no," said the preacher to himself, "Frank Johnson has fallen off the wagon again. The way that car is weaving, he must be really plastered. I better pull up beside him and get him to stop before he hurts himself." Putting thought to action, the preacher pulled along side Frank's car just in time for the next swerve to run him off the road. Over the shoulder, down a steep bank, the preacher's car rolled over twice and came to rest against a large pine tree. Not completely senseless to the world, Frank stopped his car and staggered back to a point above the preacher's car. Fortunately, the preacher had been using a seat belt. That and the relatively slow speed had prevented any injury. When Frank saw someone struggling out of the wrecked car, he yelled, "Who the hell are you?" The preacher yelled back, "Frank Johnson, don't you talk to me like that." "My God preacher, that you?" "Yes Frank, it is, and I'll thank you not to take the Lord's name in vain. It's already bad enough that you're drunk." "You OK peacher?" "Yes Frank, fortunately the Lord was with me." "You better let him ride with me. Way you drive, you gona kill him." ========================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 10:27:00 -0400 From: Grady Lacy Subject: PETITES HISTOIRES DROLES (fwd) NOT OFFENSIVE Some more French jokes. ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 13:45:01 +0100 From: Fabienne.Penner To: Tous les abonnes de Subject: PETITES HISTOIRES DROLES Un sultan tombe follement amoureux de la fille d'un touriste : - Si vous me donnez votre fille en mariage, dit-il au pere, je vous donne son poids en diamants !! - Donnez-moi deux jours, repond alors celui-ci. - Afin de reflechir, je suppose ! dit le sultan. - Non, juste le temps de l'engraisser un peu. A sultan falls head over heels in love with a tourist's daughter. "If you will give me your daughter's hand in marriage, I'll give you her weight in diamonds!" "Give me two days," the father replies. "So you can think about it, I suppose," says the sultan. "No, just so I can fatten her up a little. -- Tu viens a la maison quant tu veux. C'est simple : tu tournes a gauche apres l'eglise. Chez moi, c'est la deuxieme maison apres la boulangerie. Alors tu pousses la porte avec le pied et tu entres. - Pourquoi avec le pied ? - Parce que tu auras les bras charges de cadeaux pour moi !! Come to my house whenever you want to. It's simple: you turn to the left after the church. My house is the second one after the bakery. Push the door open with your foot, and come on in. "Why 'with my foot'?" "Because your arms will be loaded with presents for me!" -- Un matou guette une petite souris grise refugiee dans son trou et bien decidee a ne pas le quitter tant que le chat sera la. Celui-ci imagine alors une ruse, il se met brusquemment a aboyer. La souris, croyant son terrible ennemi parti, sort dare-dare de sa cachette. Le chat se jette aussitot sur elle et la devore tout de go.... Puis, se lechant les babines, il se dit a lui-meme : Ah comme c'est utile de connaitre les langues etrangeres. A tomcat is lying in wait for a little grey mouse hiding in her hole which she has very much decided not to leave as long as the cat is there. The wiley cat, thinking of a trick, suddenly begins to bark. The mouse, thinking that her terrible enemy had left, comes out of her hiding place. The cat immediately jumps on the little mouse, and gobbles her down in one fell swoop. Then, licking his chops, he says to himself: "It sure comes in handy being able to speak foreign languages." [These were originally posted on GAG, a French humor list by the person whose signature follows. I did the translating. ] PENNER Fabienne Division des Enseignements Centre de Formations des Professeurs BONNES VACANCES A CEUX ET CELLES QUI SONT ET QUI SERONT EN VACANCES. A BIENTOT. -- ========================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 10:58:18 EST From: Tommy Hughes Subject: Early Am. almanac humor: Two clergy jokes King James I of England once went out of his way to hear noted preacher. The clergyman seeing the King enter, left his text to declaim against swearing, for which the King was notorious.--When done, James thanked him for his sermon, but asked what connection swearing had with it? He answered, "Since your Majesty came out of your way, I could not do less than go out of mine to meet you." (The Gentlemen's and Ladies' Diary and Almanac for 1800) A chaplain to a Governor of Bengal, more remarkable for the goodness of his heart than the brilliancy of his wit, being, one day at the table of his patron, asked for a toast, with much simplicity, exclaimed "Alas; and a lack a day! What can I give?" "Nothing better," replied the Governor. "Come gentlemen, a bumper to the parson's toast--A lass and a lack a day." A lack of rupees is 100,000 pounds. (The Annual Visitor, or Almanac for 1800) Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early American Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press. ========================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 11:14:18 -0400 From: Warren Ferguson Subject: Senior Citizen Sex A ninety-year-old woman and a ninety-five-year-old man had just gotten married. When the husband tottered out of the bathroom ready for bed, he found his wife standing on her head, naked, up against the wall. "What in tarnation are you doing?" he demanded. "Well," she explained. "Ifigured if you couldn't get it up, you could just drop it in." ========================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 09:13:06 PDT From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 5.5 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 6 Jul 89 ---------------------------------------------------- The best practical joke I ever heard happened at Carleton College. A friend of mine stayed down at school over the winter break. While everyone else was at home for Christmas, he went out to the lumber yard, bought studs, sheetrock, and paint, and walled over a friend's dorm room door. It was *completely* gone. How would you like to return to school to find your dorm room missing? One of the all-time classic practical jokes it the holding of the string. Get a rather long length of string, and ask a passer-by if they wouldn't minding holding the end while you affix the other end (you'll have to make up some phony excuse, such as it's part of a surveying measurement or some arcane scientific experiment). Then unravel the string around a corner and ask someone else to hold the other end. Your work done, you now disappear! Some time ago (I won't admit how long) at university we had a "Cafeteria Bridge Club". One of it's members had bought a new car, which got pretty good gas milage (at that time). The new owner gradually became pretty obnoxious talking about the milage he got. Some of the others decided to get even. Over a period of 2 weeks we made a trip at night and *added* a gallon of gas to his tank. You can image how the gas economy stories grew. It was very hard to keep a straight face. Most of us failed from time to time. Then we reversed the process. Each night for 2 weeks we siphoned out a gallon of gas, recovering our investment. Perhaps you had to be there. But the stories dried up. Even under prodding about the state of his new car, all we could get from him was a very strange facial expression. One of the more "practical" jokes I can recall from the good ol' days. ---------------------------------------------------- Late Night's Top Ten List - 6/23/89 TOP TEN LINES FROM STAR TREK V 10. Captain, there's a horrible life form on your head! Oh sorry, its your hairpiece! 9. Surprise, those aren't Dilethium crystals - they're Folgers crystals. 8. Damm it Jim! I'm a doctor - not a very good actor. 7. Don't let Kirk show you what he calls the Captain's log. 6. Computer analysis indicates it really is Rob Lowe. 5. Geez, I'm sick of you guys! 4. It's been a century since they changed your planet's name from EARTH to TRUMP. 3. Oh yeah! Well, beam this up pal! 2. What the hell is Don King doing here? 1. @#$%~ the Final Frontier! Let's go see BATMAN! ========================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 13:07:00 EDT From: "Frank.Hartman" <22345FLH@MSU.EDU> Subject: clean jokes "I have decided," said the judge in divorce court, "to award your wife three hundred dollars a month." "Great!" said the man. "I'll even chip in a few dollars myself." ________________________________ A man was driving down a country road when he ran over a rooster. Finding the farmer, he apologized and said he'd like to replace him. "Suit yourself," said the framer. "Go introduce yourself to the hens out in the coop." ________________________________ "I wonder why in the world did they hang that picture!" the art patron exclaimed. "Perhaps," said her companion, "they couldn't find the artist." ________________________________ How do you keep a fish from smelling? Cut off its nose. ________________________________ An old woman called the police about her neighbor who was sunbathing in the nude. "I don't see anything," said the policeman, looking out her window. "Of course not," said the woman, "You have to stand on this chair." _______________________________ Never try to teach a pig to sing. You won't produce any music, and you'll annoy the pig. ========================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 19:55:14 +0100 From: Steve Nicholas Subject: Irish joke Three builders, an Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman, were sitting down to their packed lunches. "Oh no,", said the Englishman, "not ham sandwiches AGAIN. I hate ham. I've been getting it every day for five years. If I get it again tomorrow I'm going to kill myself." The Scotsman looks inside his lunch box. "Och,", said the Scotsman, "nae cheese. Ah canna stand cheese. Ah've had cheese sandwiches every day for TEN years. If ah get it again tomorrow ah'm going to end it all." Then the Irishman investigates his meal. "Bejesus,", said the Guinness drinker, "Not jam. I detest jam. I've had jam sandwiches every day for FIFTEEN years. If I get it again tomorrow I'm going to buy the farm." Next day they are all at lunch once more. The Englishman tentatively looks inside his lunch box. "HAM! That's it. I said I'd do it." He promptly lay on the newly laid tarmac and let a steamroller flatten him to oblivion. The Scotsman looks in his lunchbox. "Och CHEESE! Ah'll do it. Ah said ah would." He throws himself off the highest bit of scaffolding and into the cement mixer and does away with himself. The Irishman finds out that he too has his hated sandwiches. "Jam! Jam! Jam! I hate jam. I've had enough now." He gets up and throws a seven by goading with a balloon a Rottweiler that's walking past. At the joint funeral the mens' wives are deep in mourning. Said the Englishman's wife, "If I'd known he hated ham I would have given him something else. It's all my fault." The Scotsman's wife continued, "All he had to do was tell me. I would have done anything to prevent this." The Irishman's wife said, "That's really odd. MY husband made his OWN sandwiches." Boom boom. ========================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 13:53:55 -0500 From: Tom Behl Subject: Bad Little Johnny Date: 06/24/94 From: Thomas J. Behl BEHLTJ - WSRC To: OAS - EMX Subject: Bad Little Johnny One day, Johnny was sitting in the library, calmly flicking small ball bearings around the room. Of course, one of the balls hit the librarian square in the forehead. She stood up and glared around the room and said, "Who has the steel balls," to which Johnny gleefully replied "Superman!" ========================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 13:55:06 -0500 From: Tom Behl Subject: Offensive to women Date: 06/24/94 From: Thomas J. Behl BEHLTJ - WSRC To: OAS - EMX Subject: Offensive to women A man comes home one day with four brand new snow tires--I mean beautiful, white wall, top-of-the line models. His wife says to him, "Why'd you buy snow tires you don't even have a car?" The man says: "Yeah but you buy bras don't you?" ========================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 15:11:11 -0400 From: Lee Bradley Subject: Clean One day a mother and her 8-year-old daughter were walking along the beach, just at the water's edge. Suddenly, a G I G A N T I C wave flashed up on the beach, sweeping the little girl out to sea. "Oh, God," lamented the mother, turning her face toward heaven and shaking her fist. "This was my ONLY baby. I can't have more children. She is the love and joy of my life. I have cherished every day that she's been with me. Give her back to me, and I'll be in church every day for the rest of my life!!!!" Suddenly, another GIGANTIC wave flashed up and deposited the girl back on the sand. The mother looked up to heaven and said, "She had on a HAT!!!!" ========================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 15:41:34 -0400 From: "Bob Hawkey - Don`t worry - Be Happy! };^>" Subject: Sexual content... Still, my favorite is: What is the difference between Like, love, and adoration? Spit, swallow, and gargle! Have a great holiday! ========================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 20:46:00 +0000 From: Ken Callander Subject: A POEM I have a spelling checker, It came with my PC; It plainly marks four my revue mistakes I cannot sea. I've run this poem threw it; I'm sure your please to no. It's letter perfect in its weigh; My checker tolled me sew. Source and Author unknown ========================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 17:03:47 EST From: Angel Dey Subject: Memory joke Doctor, I don't know what to do. You've got to help me; I just can't remember a thing. I've no memory at all. I hear something one minute, and the next minute I forget it. Tell me, what should I do? Pay in advance. ========================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 18:10:38 EST From: Sara Rummelhart Subject: Sexy talk Why is it that whenever a man talks dirty to a womyn it is sexual harrassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man it is $4.50 per minute? Well, of course! Men would rather talk about it, while women would rather go shopping. ========================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 16:59:09 PDT From: Wally Zajac Subject: THE UNOFFICIAL OJ SIMPSON JOKE LIST THE UNOFFICIAL OJ SIMPSON JOKE LIST Did you hear about what Mike Tyson is having for breakfast in jail??? Freshly Squeezed O.J. !!!!! Did you hear the police finally got a confession from O.J.? They squeezed it out of him. You know,..I think the only reason OJ did all those Hertz commercials was to get A FREE GET AWAY CAR!! What did Michael Jackson say to OJ after the arrest Don't worry, I'll take care of your kids What does OJ stand for? Off to Jail (Actually its Orenthal James Simpson) What did the executioner yell in front of the electric chair? OK, give him the Juice! "Police investigating the murder of O.J. Simpson's wife and another man stated there was about 45 minutes between the time of the murders and the departure of Mr. Simpson's plane for Chicago." Now I know why O.J. did all those Hertz commercials...practice. O.J. Simpson CANNOT be guilty for the murders he was charged with, since the two victims were stabbed to death. After all, everyone knows that Buffalo Bills *ALWAYS* choke! I was surprised Friday to come home, turn on my TV, and see a civilian car going 50 mph on the freeway with a pack of police cars following, afraid to pass! Heard on one of the New York City radio stations (sorry, forgot which one): "I tried to watch the Knicks game last night, but all I kept seeing were those Ford Bronco commercials." "Well, there's not much time left, they have to make a big play soon ..." "Movement in the backfield, it's O.J.! What a move. He breaks away from a pack of defenders, he's going 40, 50. He just might make it." "He cuts to the 91 . . . now streaks down the 405. They can't catch him!" "Looks like he's going to make it, and ... ooohh .... they bring him down in the driveway, just short." "What a play, one we'll all remember, one for the record books, O.J.s longest run from skirmish." Did you hear about the new drink called "The Simpson"? OJ, a couple of slices, and a chaser Following is evidence that O.J. is not the killer: They only found one glove - Michael Jackson actually did it. If he murdered, it would Hertz his advertising career. The juice was capable of putting the squeeze on his ex-wife, but never beating the pulp out of her. It is proven that murderers have little ability to think, but everyone has seen O.J. concentrate. The pattern of stab wounds is irrefutable - any football fan knows that O.J. could never cut to the left. I heard this joke on the "Don & Mike National Radio Show" on WJFK in Washington, DC. Order a Bloody Screwdriver the next time you're at a sports bar. It's O.J. mixed with bitters, and a sliced tomato. While watching the (currently ongoing) drama of O.J. Simpson running away from the police on CNN, I thought it would be neat if they cut to a commercial: This special news coverage is brought to you by Hertz. The next time you need to make a getaway, Hertz is the one..... I wonder if they will let OJ do the endorsement from jail. What was O.J.'s last play? Cut to the left, slash to the right. Mike Tyson is going to take Anita Bryant's place as the spokesman for the Florida Orange Juice Council. The new slogan is: "A Day Without O.J. is like a day without Robyn." I tried to watch the NBA Finals Friday night, but all I kept seeing was those damn Bronco commercials. Simpson's new lawyer Robert Shapiro has defended other celebrities including Michael Jackson during his child molestation problems. It's said that he likes a new drink: 12 year old (scotch) with an OJ chaser. The football arena at Galileo High School, OJ's alma mater, is called "Simpson Field" in his honor, though they are thinking of changing it to "Inmate 7328193 Field". Heard on the PA system at the World Cup games in LA, "Paging the owner of a white Ford Bronco -- California plates 'J-U-I-C-E' -- your engine is running and the emergency flashers are on." It was just learned that OJ has an airtight alibi for the night of the killings. It seems he was waiting for a table at Denny's the entire time.... Q. Since O.J. may end up in prison, news is that he will be moving to a new player position - tight end? A. in prison, all tight ends eventually become wide receivers!! ------------------------------------------------------------- The Top *17* Reasons For O.J. Simpson's Freeway Drive 17> Miffed at always being passed up for grand marshall of Rose Parade. 16> Thought he was supposes to surrender to the *New York* police. 15> Taking a short cut to his job at the nuclear plant. (Oops! That's one of the Top 5 Reasons for *Homer* J. Simpson's Freeway Drive!) 14> "Come on, AL, just forty more miles and the odometer will flip 100,000!" 13> Missed the sign that said "Next Exit: Food, Gas, Ammo." 12> Figured he could outwit Tommy Lee Jones long enough to find the real culprit. 11> Heard Burger King was giving out "Lion King" action figures with Kid's Meals. 10> Haunted by that 80-year-old Hertz woman's voice, shouting, "GO, O.J., GO!" 9> Mistook Dexatrim capsules for 'ludes, and the next thing ya know... 8> Wanted to finish listening to his new Snoop Doggy Dog CD. 7> Had to deliver that pizza in half an hour, or it was free. 6> Rental copy of "Fatal Attraction" overdue at Brentwood Blockbuster. 5> In sudden haste to leave country, forgot to pack favorite Smurf pajamas with attached feet. 4> Desperate last-ditch attempt to wrest "Sportsperson of the Year" honors away from Tonya Harding. 3> A.C. and O.J. still bitter over losing highly-coveted roles of Thelma and Louise to Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis. 2> Psychiatrist-prescribed "Route 66 Therapy" went horribly wrong. and the #1 Reason For O.J. Simpson's Freeway Drive... 1> Just felt like cruisin', dammit. ------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a murder spree in LA? A: Just another night out for OJ... What's the last thing O.J. Simpson's ex-wife said? "hertz...hertz...hertz..." (Say it!) I heard that since Hertz dropped OJ, that Energizer wants to replace that damn bunny with him in his white bronco ... it keeps going and going and going...... Okay there are these 3 crimanls in Jail and they're going to be executed and the executioner gives them their choice of how to die. They can either choose to be shot, hanged, or injected with aids. The 1st guy says he wants to be shot, then OJ says he wants to be hanged, and the 3rd guy says he wants to be injected with aids. After choosing the 3 guys are put back in their cell to wait for their execution. The 1st guy and OJ go up to the 3rd guy and say "why would you want to be injected with aids? It's a slow and painful death." The 3rd guy says, "Don't worry I'll wear a condom." Another Hertz could-be slogan" "Call Hertz Car Rental .. whether you want to get away for a day, a weekend, or our super speed cars to get away from the law" "OJ, what are you going to do now that you have just killed your wife and her companion OJ replies...."I'm going to Disneyland." what does OJ Simpson and cindy crawford have in comon...? they both look good in stripey clothing....... what's the difference between me and oj simpson???? I dont have to get used to showering in mens prison! What does the OJ in OJ Simpson stand for? A: Off to Jail. FLASH!!! L.A.P.D. forensics lab has now determined that O. J. simpson actually used a hedge trimmer to commit the murders of his wife and her lover, last week. His former teammates in Buffalo were relieved to hear this news, since they knew that he would only get 15 yards for clipping! Q: What was the last thing that O.J. said to his wife? A: "Ever had a Hertz doughnut?" Explaination: Young children will sometimes do this: Child #1: Ever had a Hertz doughnut? Child #2: No. [Child #1 punches Child #2 on the arm, or slaps them in the face, or something similar.] Child #1: Hurts, don't it? Possible NEW meanings for the O.J. acronym: 1. Overly Jealous 2. Organ Jabber 3. Only Joking 4. Ominously Jilted 5. Opens Jugulars 6. Orange Jumpsuit 7. Off (to) Jail I heard that San Quetin is adding a new item to there menu....... .....Fresh O.J. Why have the sales of Ramses increased this past week? Because now, we all know a Trojan can snap! What's the difference between OJ and Tang? Tang won't kill you. People have started drinking more grapefruit juice lately. Recent reports on TV say that OJ can kill you. Contrary to current news reports, Mr. Simpson will continue to participate in rental car ads, starting off their new "YOU ALWAYS HERTZ THE ONE YOU LOVE" campaign. What do you get when you mix OJ and Champagne? A MAIMosa Heard at the Rose Bowl during the World Cup Games "Paging the owner of a white Ford Bronco -- California plates 'J-U-I-C-E' -- your engine is running and the emergency flashers are on." O J Simpson has been paroled -- on the condition that he marry Lorena Bobbitt. Did hear the the Surgeon General has endorsed drinking grapefruit juice every morning. The Surgeon General further stated that O.J. will kill you. What do the L.A. Rams and the LAPD have in common? Neither one is effective against the run. What is OJ's favorite football run pattern? Cut left, cut right, then slice up the middle! O.J's new initials are J.J. ... Jail Juice OJ is not guilty... they found a Super Bowl ring at the Crime Scene... What was Nicole Simpson's last word....... HERTZ! What is the difference between O.J. Simpson and the Hertz Corp.? O.J. Simpson slashes more than just prices! Did you hear that the Simpson family said that the holidays won't be the same without O.J., especially Thanksgiving since there will be nobody around to carve up the white-meat What's O.J.'s new number? 32 to Life Bill Clinton: "This O.J. Simpson case is a real tragic!" Aide: "Yes, Mr. President, it is." Bill Clinton: "Well, I for one hopes he gets off. Heck, I might just give him a FULL PRESIDENTIAL PARDON if he's convicted!" Aide: "You must be a big fan of Mr. Simpson, sir!" Bill Clinton: "Nah, I just want to hire him to take out Paula Corbin Jones!" What were Nicole's last words? I could have had a V8. What do you get when you mix O.J. Simpson, Michael Jackson and Mike Tyson? --Orange Fruit Punch. What position did he play in college? razorback ========================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 22:08:10 -0700 From: Bob Lennard Subject: David Letterman's Top Ten List for 07/01/94 -----> Friday, July 1, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, check, please - it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Connie Chung, Phil Collins, and Coast-to-Coast with Mujibur and Sirajul. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who can tell you what time it is in France, David Letterman. ========================= ------------------------------