From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Jul 1994

There are 8 messages totalling 328 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1.      MISCELLANEOUS FILTH
  2.      Offensive to old guys
  3.      Horses
  4.      Politically Correct TV Shows
  5.      Atomic Blonde <sexy, adult>
  6.      An Ironic Guide to the Nineties
  7.      Early Am. almanac humor: What's honesty? <lawyers be warned>
  8.      David Letterman's Top Ten List for 07/04/94

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Date:         Mon, 4 Jul 1994 10:09:00 JST
From:         Paul Randolph <GEH01016@NIFTYSERVE.OR.JP>
Subject:      MISCELLANEOUS FILTH

What kind of pussy do priests get?  Nun.

A boy asked his father for $10 for a guinea pig.  The father said,
"Here, son, take $20.  Get yourself a nice Irish girl."

What do you call a cyst on an Albanian's ass?  A brain tumor.

What do you call a dog with wings?  Linda McCartney.

Hear about Zsa Zsa's new perfume?  It's called conviction and you just
slap it on.  (A few years ago, Zsa Zsa was arrested for slapping a
police officer who stopped her for speeding.)

Why don't blind people skydive?  Because it scares the hell out of
their seeing-eye dogs.

Did you hear about the German manufacturer who made a forture selling
Cheerios to the Italians?  They told them they were donut seeds.

What's worse than finding out your blind date is ugly?
Finding out your ugly date is blind.

Hear about the man who confused Vaseline with putty?
All his windows fell out.

What do you get when a rocket falls on your foot?
Missiletoe.

What's one of the most effective means of birth control?
Laughter.

What do you call pulling off a girl's panty hose?
Foreplay.

What do you call a man and a woman who rely on the rhythm method of
birth control?  Parents.

Paul Randolph
Okayama, Japan
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Date:         Mon, 4 Jul 1994 03:12:44 -0400
From:         Lonely Vicious <arteaga@CS.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      Offensive to old guys

        Two very old male friends talking :
        - So, do you use condoms when you are able to fuck ?
        - Oh, come on, just what I need, more weight !

        Lonely Vicious
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Date:         Mon, 4 Jul 1994 11:26:36 +0300
From:         Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject:      Horses

Once there was a farmer who couldn't distinguish between his 2 horses.
Since he didn't know what to do he asked his neighbor for an advice.

 - Why don't you trim the tail of one of the horses, adviced the neighbor.
 - You are a very clever man, said the farmer.

For a couple of months it was all right, but then the tail grew back to
its normal size.

 - You'd better trim the mane of one of the horses, adviced again the
neighbor.

For another couple of months it was ok, but then the mane grew back.

 - I think the best thing to do is to look for something characteristic
that doesn't vary with the time, like the height of the horses, said the
neighbor.
 - You are a very wise man, I'll measure it and tell you about it.

After a few hours the farmer returned to his neighbor:
 - You were perfectly right, I've measured their height and indeed the
white horse is 3 inch taller than the black one.


ariel :-)
=========================

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Date:         Mon, 4 Jul 1994 10:07:30 EDT
From:         Emile Artus <GRARTUS@ECUVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Politically Correct TV Shows

Here's the first installment of politically correct TV shows coming up in
the fall TV season, complete with ratings supplied by Big Brother (offensive
to the politically correct):

*********************************
Sunday night:

"Mystery, She Wrote":  Cabot Cove is engulfed by a wave of anonymous
charitable gifts.  The mayor asks Jessica to investigate so the donors can
be honored in a public ceremony.  Ratings: S/MU, ALG. [See ratings at the
end of this listing.]

"The Sunday Night Movie: Blowing Up in Beverly Hills":  A made-for-TV movie
based on an actual event.  After two troubled siblings (real-life brothers
Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen) contemplate murdering their wealthy but
insensitive parents, they decide instead to go to court.  While attending
mandatory therapy, the family explores and heals deep-seated conflicts.
Inspired by the trial of Lyle and Erik Menendez.  Dr. Goodfellow:  Alan Alda.
First of two parts.  Ratings: S/MU, VATCOT, RPSE.

"Married...Happily with Children":  After Jefferson and Marcy's house is
repossessed by a greedy banker, Al contacts Habitat for Humanity.  Special
appearance by Jimmy and Rosalyn Carter.  Ratings:  S/MU, ISS.
*****************************
Ratings key:  S/MU: spiritual or moral uplift; ISS: implied safe sex;
WW: win-win solution to intractable social disease or problem; ALG:
ameliorated liberal guilt; VATCOT: violence avoided through court-ordered
therapy; PCMM: potentially contradictory moral message; RPSE: reinforcement
of positive self-esteem.
*****************************
From the April 1994 issue of *Reason* magazine.  Copyright 1994 by the
Reason Foundation, 3415 S.Sepulveda Blvd., Suite 400, Los Angeles,CA 90034.
*****************************
More nights'programming later.

Emile
=========================

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Date:         Mon, 4 Jul 1994 15:45:58 +0100
From:         Steve Nicholas <steve.nicholas@AIRGUN.WG.WAII.COM>
Subject:      Atomic Blonde <sexy, adult>

Probably anatomically incorrect...

Atomic Blonde.  Blasted into maternity by a guided muscle.
=========================

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Date:         Mon, 4 Jul 1994 12:02:39 -0500
From:         Andrew Wagner <afwagner@STUDENTS.WISC.EDU>
Subject:      An Ironic Guide to the Nineties

This is from the GenX (Generation X) listserver.

Fron A to X:  An Ironic Guide To The Nineties  (from the Irish Times,
Saturday, July 2, 1994, p. 12, weekend section)

Anti-sabbatical: A job taken with the sole intention of staying for a
        limited period of time (often one year).  The intention is to
        raise enough funds to partake in another, more personally
        meaningful activity, such as watercolour painting in Crete.
        Employers are rarely informed of intentions.

Brady Bunch-ism: Comes from growing up in large families, a rarity in
        those born after 1965.  Symptoms include a facility for mind
        games, emotional withdrawal in situations of overcrowding and a
        deeply felt need for a well-defined personal space.

Clique Maintenance: The need of one generation to see the generation after
        (not after, but following - oops) it as deficient, in order to
        bolster its own collective ego: "Kids today do nothing.  We used
        to go out and protest.  All they do is shop and complain."

Dumpster Clocking: The tendency when looking at objects to guesstimate the
        amount of time they will take to eventually decompose: "Ski boots
        are the worst.  Solid plastic.  They'll be around till the sun
        goes supernova."

Emotional Ketchup Burst:  The bottling up of opinions and emotions inside
        oneself so that they explosively burst forth all at once, shocking
        and confusing employers and friends - most of whom thought things
        were fine.

Fame-Induced Apathy: The attitude that no activity is worth pursuing unless
        one can become very famous through it.  Fame-Induced Apathy mimics
        laziness but its roots are much deeper.

Gucci Avoidance: Non-ownership of material goods flaunted as a token of
        moral and intellectual superiority.

Historical Underdosing: To live in a period of time when nothing seems to
        happen.  Major symptoms include addiction to newspapers, magazines
        and TV news broadcasts.

Inane-ism: The tendency to pick apart, often in minute detail, all aspects
        of life, using half-understood pop psychology.

Joke Talk: The self-conscious enjoyment of a given conversation topic
        precisely for its lack of intellectual rigour.  Also known as
        conversational slumming.

Knee-Jerk Irony: The tendency to make flippant, ironic comments as a
        reflexive matter of course in everyday conversation.

Lessness: A philosophy whereby one reconciles oneself to diminishing
        expectations of material wealth: "I've given up wanting to be a
        bigshot.  I just want to find happiness and maybe open up a little
        tea shop down the country somewhere."

McJob: A low-pay, low-prestige, low-dignity, low-benefit, no-future job
        in the service sector.  Frequently considered a satisfying career
        choice by people who have never held one.

Now Denial: To tell oneself that the only time worth living is in the past
        and that the only time that may ever be interesting again is the
        future.

Option Paralysis: The tendency, when given unlimited choices, to make none.

Poorchondria: Hypochondria derived from not having medical insurance.

Questions, Not Answers: The electronic-era tendency to view party politics
        as no longer relevant or meaningful, and in many cases dangerous.

Rebellion Postponement: The tendency in one's youth to avoid traditionally
        youthful activities and artistic experiences in order to obtain
        serious career experience.  Sometimes results in the mourning for
        lost youth at about age 30, followed by a drink problem.

Status Substitution: Using an object with intellectual or fashionable
        cachet to substitute for an object that is merely pricey: "John,
        you left your copy of Camus in your brother's BMW."

Tele-parablizing: Morals used in everyday life that derive from TV sitcom
        plots: "That's just like the episode where Susan lost her glasses"

Ultra Short-term Nostalgia: Homesickness for the extremely recent past.
        "God, things seemed so much better last week."

Virtual Hippy: An elderly sold-out baby-boomr who spent the 60s studying.

Wannabe Yuppies: An X generation subgroup that believes the myth of a
        yuppie life-style to be both satisfying and viable.  Tend to be
        heavily in debt, involved in some form of substance abuse and show
        a willingness to talk about Armageddon after three drinks.

X: As in people. "Prematurely bitter and twisted young people who complain
        about everything and everyone.  With no reason."

-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/
      Perinatal Medicine...Saxophone...and whatever else interests me

                          From the e-mail desk of:
      Andrew F. Wagner                University of Wisconsin-Madison
      afwagner@students.wisc.edu
      Delta Chi Fraternity--Wisconsin Chapter--"A"

"I love getting mail--just the fact that someone licked a stamp for you is
very reassuring."     --Thomas Magnum, "Magnum, P.I.
-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\X/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\
=========================

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Date:         Mon, 4 Jul 1994 22:30:59 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Early Am. almanac humor: What's honesty? <lawyers be warned>

A knavish attorney asking a very worthy gentleman, what Honesty
was? "What's that to you," said he, "meddle with those things
that concern you." (The New-Jersey and Pennsylvania Almanac for
1799)



Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early
American Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press.
=========================

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Date:         Mon, 4 Jul 1994 21:49:55 -0700
From:         Bob Lennard <blennard@NETCOM.COM>
Subject:      David Letterman's Top Ten List for 07/04/94

-----> Monday, July 4, 1994 <-----

  [Editor's note:  I hope you had a safe and happy 4th!]

========
Opening:
========

  From New York, check out the fireworks, dude - it's the Late Show with
David Letterman.  Tonight - Richard Simmons and Neil Diamond.  Plus Paul
Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra.  And now, the human equivalent of a M-80,
David Letterman.

=====================
Top Ten Reasons The U.S. Is The Best Country On Earth
=====================

10.  No dress code

 9.  We've invented this cool holiday where all we do is blow up stuff

 8.  Even a really, really dumb guy can host a talk show

 7.  Guess what nation drank the most root beer last year?  France?  Think
     again, Buddy!

 6.  Barney can beat the crap out of Mr. Blobby

 5.  You can go to any Gap and try on as many pants as you want

 4.  In other countries you have to choose between breakfast & lunch.  In
     America, with got a little something called "brunch."

 3.  Even a swollen-faced hillbilly can become President

 2.  We're on the cutting edge of Thighmaster technology

 1.  Life, Liberty, and Oprah

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