From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 5 Jul 1994

There are 17 messages totalling 641 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1.      Two jokes (one is sexual)
  2.      Belgians
  3.      Revered leader ? (off. to dead communist leader ?)
  4.      Humor> Mind benders
  5.      Sexuality/nationality (off. to Latvians ?)
  6.      Pig Joke <clean>
  7.      (Technical) Top Ten Reasons White House Staff Likes Internet
  8.      ethnic humor & PC quotes
  9.      Southern Belle <language>
 10.      Pope humor
 11.      Life Little Truths (pt3)
 12.      Country Sayings (Clean)
 13.      <Sexually suggestive, off. to men, women, children, animals, etc.)
 14.      Weightlifting <risque>
 15.      Weightlifting <risque>
 16.      Railway joke <off. to Indians>
 17.      David Letterman's Top Ten List for 07/05/94

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 5 Jul 1994 08:33:00 JST
From:         Paul Randolph <GEH01016@NIFTYSERVE.OR.JP>
Subject:      Two jokes (one is sexual)

Did you hear that the fall fashion lines are coming out in Russia?
There are about 300 people standing them and they're all waiting for
underwear.

True story:  A judge in California once had two women lawyers in his
office discussing some case when he abruptly said.  "Do you know the
difference between a blow job and a Caesar Salad?"  They said no.
"Great.  Let's have lunch sometime."  For this he was disrobed, but
not in the way he had hoped.

Paul Randolph
Okayama, Japan
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 5 Jul 1994 09:20:04 +0100
From:         "Elroy Bos  {elroy.bos@alg.vlk.wau.nl}" <Elroy.Bos@ALG.VLK.WAU.NL>
Subject:      Belgians

An American paratrooper jumped out of a plain. But his para-
chute did not open.
Falling to the ground he saw a black dot moving towards him.
He didn't know what it was, until he recognized a man.
'Hello' he shouted 'I'm Jim, US Army. Do you know anything
about parachutes ?'
'Nice to meet you' the man replied 'I'm Sjefke (Belgian). But
sorry, I don't know anything about parachutes. Do you know
anything about gas ovens ?'

A snake and a rabbit met each other in the dark. 'What do you
look like ?', the snake asked.
'I've got long ears, two big hind legs and a fluffy tail'
'Aha' the snake said 'then you must be a rabbit'
'Yes, I am. What do you look like ?' the rabbit asked.
'I'm bald all over my body and I've got no ears' the snake
said
'Aha' the rabbit said, 'then you must be Niki Lauda'

A Belgian walked through the forest when he heard a cry for
help. He found a dwarf, stuck in a trap. He freed the dwarf,
and the dwarf granted him two wishes. 'My first wish' the Belgian said, 'is a
bottle of beer that will never be empty.' And flash, there was
the bottle. The Belgian opened it, and drank it empty. The
next moment, the bottle was full again. The Belgian was very
happy. 'What is your second wish ?', the dwarf asked. The
Belgian replied: 'I want another bottle'

A Belgian met a Dutch friend, who was driving a Rolls Royce
and spending money like water. 'How did you het so rich ?' the
Belgian asked. 'I went to Canada, to shoot bears. The fur
coats are very expensive' 'How do you go about shooting bears
?' 'It's very simple. You should go there in winter. When you
enter a cave you will find a bear. Since it is in hybernation,
it is very easy to shoot it.'
Three months later they meet again. This time the Belgian is
entirely wrapped in bandages. 'What has happened to you ?'
'Well' the Belgian replies 'I went to Canada, I entered a cave
with my gun, and then suddenly... the train came'.

Maria and Sjefke, both 14 years old (and Belgian), were playing
together in the attick. Mother shouts up: 'Maria and Sjefke,
what are you doing in the attick ?'
'We're making love, mother'
'Then it is ok, but don't let me catch you smoking'
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 5 Jul 1994 06:02:30 EDT
From:         Allan KcKellar <gbibm5v7@IBMMAIL.COM>
Subject:      Revered leader ? (off. to dead communist leader ?)

----------------------- Mail item text follows ---------------

To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL

From   : Allan McKellar


Subject: Revered leader ? (off. to dead communist leader ?)
         Leonid Brezhnev

It turns out that Brezhnev made one last request on his death bed
- that he be buried face down.
Kremlin aides demurred, but Brezhnev was adamant.
He explained: "For the first five years after my death everyone will want
to spit in/on my face. Face down I'll be safe.
Then, after five years, everything will begin to change. I must be face
down so everyone can kiss my ass."

Allan
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 5 Jul 1994 07:34:25 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Humor> Mind benders

                CANONICAL LIST OF MIND BENDERS
                (a far from complete collection)

Following these instructions is a list of keywords and questions.
The trick to this mind bender is to get your victim to say the
keyword six times, spell it six times, say it six times, and spell
it six times again.  Make sure you rush them, and when they're done
say "OK quick! without thinking <insert question here>".
Saying and spelling the keyword distracts the person and gets their
mind racing, so they're apt to respond to the cleverly worded question
with the first thing they think of.

KEYWORDS                QUESTIONS
--------                ---------
Pots                    "What do you do when you come to a green light?"
Klim                    "What do cows drink?"
Folk                    "What's the white of an egg called?"
Roast                   "What do you put in a toaster?"

******************************

Write the names of colors in different colors
and ask a 'victim' what colors the words are written in.
eg.

BLUE            (written in red)
PINK            (written in yellow)
BLACK           (written in blue)
...

Although you almost immediately realize what is going on,
it is somewhat difficult to do the 'test' right.

******************************

Read this...
                 /\
                /  \
               /    \
              / PARIS\
             / IN THE \
            /THE SPRING\
           /            \
          /______________\

Now read it again.....

Well what did you read? Paris in the the Spring??

******************************

Write the following sequence of numbers on a piece of paper and fold the
bottom of the paper over so you can slide it down to uncover one number at a
time.  Tell the "victim" to add the numbers as you uncover them and to say his
calculations out loud.

1000
  40
1000
  30
1000
  20
1000
  10

So the person should start "one thousand", "one thousand forty", "two thousand
forty", and so on.  When the last number is added, the victim will almost
always answer "five thousand".  After a good laugh, tell the guy to take
arithmatic again and then retake this quiz.

******************************

The set up for this is that you tell your friend/victim that you can read
his or her mind.  You take a piece of paper and write down a word on it.
Don't let the person see the paper.  Then at a fairly rapid pace, ask them
the following questions:

You say:            They'll say:

What's 1 plus 6?        7.
What's 2 plus 5?        7.
What's 3 plus 4?        7.
What's 4 plus 3?        7.
What's 5 plus 2?        7.
What's 6 plus 1?        7.
Name a vegetable.       Carrot.

Then you show them the piece of paper, on which you have written "Carrot."
For some reason, people will usually answer "carrot" to the last question,
once they've gotten distracted or loosened up by the first several
questions.  Try it!

******************************

Have someone say ten, ten times.
Then ask what is an aluminum pan made out of.
They always answer tin.

******************************

Read the following paragraph:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED
WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF MANY YEARS.

Now read it again and count the number of 'F's.
Found three?  Wrong - there are six 'F's.
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 5 Jul 1994 08:38:49 EDT
From:         Allan KcKellar <gbibm5v7@IBMMAIL.COM>
Subject:      Sexuality/nationality (off. to Latvians ?)

----------------------- Mail item text follows ---------------

To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL

From   : Allan McKellar


Subject: Sexuality/nationality (off. to Latvians ?)
         Article in magazine section of The Independent (UK "quality" paper
Roseanne goes to a gay bar and is kissed by a luscious blonde;
Harpers & Queen runs a cover story about the smartness of Sapphism;
Brookside (UK soap) soars up in the ratings with a lesbian romance;
Guinevere Turner, co-writer, co-producer of Go Fish,
a "disarmingly charming, all-lesbian, romantic comedy",
is touted cinema's Next Big Thing;
the girls that play together are undoubtedly out front and out now.

And that's ok, I suppose.
Except that I envy Sam Goldwyn his innocence. Eager to make a film of
Lillian Hellman's play The Children's Hour, Sam was told, "You can't
do that, they're lesbians."
Without missing a beat, he replied, "Well, make them Latvians."
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 5 Jul 1994 08:07:07 CDT
From:         Jim Harris <JHLAR@UKANVM.BITNET>
Subject:      Pig Joke <clean>

You should never try to teach a pig to sing.  It's very unsettling on your
nerves, and it annoys the pig.
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 5 Jul 1994 10:24:20 -0500
From:         Paul Robinson <PAUL@TDR.COM>
Subject:      (Technical) Top Ten Reasons White House Staff Likes Internet

From: Paul Robinson <PAUL@TDR.COM>
Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA
-----
I got the following off the Com-Priv list, which was forwarded to it:

Date: Fri, 24 Jun 1994 11:24:01 -0700 (PDT)
From: kamsky@Sales.TGV.COM (Asya Kamsky)
Subject: "since it's Friday"

TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF LIKE THE INTERNET

This list provided by Tom Kalil, the David Letterman of the Clinton/Gore
administration.  Kalil gave the closing keynote at INET'94/JENC5 in Prague
on Friday, June 17, and included this list in his talk about NII efforts
in the United States.

10. Surfing the Web is more fun than going to meetings.

 9. Even reading old RFCs is more fun than going to meetings.

 8. On the Internet, no one knows you're a bureaucrat.

 7. It's how we get our daily marching orders from Vint Cerf, Tony
    Rutkowski, and Dave Farber.

 6. It's hard to write your X.400 address on a cocktail napkin.

 5. We get all that great electronic fan mail on the Clipper Chip.

 4. We have access to the Top Secret Air Force server with cool gifs of
    UFOs and little green men.

 3. We're still hoping to get on Carl Malamud's "Geek of the Week."

 2. We love getting flamed by rabid libertarians on "com-priv."

 1. We can send e-mail FROM president@whitehouse.gov.

---
Paul Robinson - Paul@TDR.COM
Voted "Largest Polluter of the (IETF) list" by Randy Bush <randy@psg.com>
-----
The following Automatic Fortune Cookie was selected only for this message:

If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
                -- Ronald Reagan
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 5 Jul 1994 11:10:39 -0400
From:         Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      ethnic humor & PC quotes

(1)     How did the Polack burn his face?  -- bobbing for French fries
                        (Belge)
(2)     from
        Beard, Henry, and Cerf, Christopher. (1992). The Official politically
                correct dictionary and handbook.  New York: Villard Books.
                ISBN 0-679-74113-5


"ICE PEOPLE.  The European-American descendants of northern Ice Age
peoples. The term was coined by Dr. Leonard Jeffries, chairman [sic] of
the Afro-American Studies Department of the City University of New York,
who theorizes that humanity is divided into two principal groups, "ice
people" and "sun people" (Africans, Asians, and natives of Latin America
and the Caribbean).  The two groups have diametrically opposed value
systems: ice people are materialistic, egotistical, and exploitive, while
sun people are humanistic, communal, and caring. See also SNOW PERSON."
[p. 30]

[photo cut line]:  "Mother Teresa, an ICE PERSON."
[under "sun people", photo cut line]:   "Idi Amin, a SUN PERSON." [p. 60]

Now, a few selected PC definitions:  see answers below

a. member of the mutant albino genetic-recessive global minority
b. cerebrally challenged
c. metabolically different / terminally inconvenienced
d. morally different / ethically disoriented
e. incomplete success
f. botanical companion
g. cosmetically different
h. sobriety-deprived
i. sewer
j. testosterone poisoning
k. personal pharmacological preference

a. a white person
b. stupid
c. dead
d. dishonest
e. failure
f. flower
g. ugly
h. drunk
i. a gender-free improvement upon "seamstress"
j. the hormonal imbalance suffered by so-called "normal" males
k. drug addiction
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 5 Jul 1994 18:03:00 +0000
From:         Ken Callander
<CALLANDER_KEN/HP5000_40@HPWCSVP.MAYFIELD.HP.COM>
Subject:      Southern Belle <language>

NOTE: This must be read with the thought of a true Southern Belle as the
speaker. She's got the major southern accent and sits there fanning
herself in the warm weather.


    These two Southern Belles met at a class reunion.  The first was telling
the second how wonderful her husband is:

First:  "My husband so sweet, when he proposed to me, he gave me this
        5 karat diamond ring."
Second: Replies, "Well isn't that nice."

First:  "And when we got married, he took me on a wonderful 3 week Caribbean
        cruise."
Second: Replies, "Well isn't that nice."

First:  "And for Christmas he bought me a beautiful $20,000 mink coat."
Second: "Well isn't that nice."

First:  "And for our first wedding anniversary, he bought me a brand new
        Mercedes Benz with all the options available."
Second: "Well isn't that nice."

First:  "But enough about my husband.  What has your husband done for you?"
Second: "Well my husband isn't as wealthy as yours, but he did one nice thing
        for me.  He sent me to finishing school."
First:  "Finishing school... why finishing school?"
Second: "Well I used to have this bad habit of saying 'Fuck You', but they
        taught me instead to say, 'Well isn't that nice'"
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 5 Jul 1994 14:22:24 CST
From:         Rowdy Welch <RWELCH@WTAMU-COMPUTER-CENTER.WTAMU.EDU>
Subject:      Pope humor

The chicken industry was terrible shape, losing money and laying off
employees.  Industry leaders hit upon a plan:  They went to see the Pope
and said, "We'll give a million dollars to the Church if you agree to
change the Bible:  Where it says, "Give us this day our daily bread,"
change it to "Give us this day our daily chicken."

The Pope was outraged and said, "No!"

The chicken leaders said, "Okay, 10 million dollars."

"Absolutely not!  I won't tamper with the Word of God!"

After some consultation, the chicken leaders said, "Okay.  100 million
dollars and that's our final offer!"

The Pope couldn't turn it down.  He accepted.

At the next General Council, the Pope announced, "I have some good news
and bad news.  The good news is that I've made 100 million dollars for
the Church.  The bad news is....we lost the Wonder Bread account...."


-----

Rowdy
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 5 Jul 1994 17:44:25 E
From:         Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject:      Life Little Truths (pt3)

LLTs are back and smaller than ever. I have reduced the number of LLTs per
message. To many might at one time might lead to brain cramps or something
like that. So enjoy. As usual if anyone wants the entire list, e-mail
me directly and I will be thrilled to send it to you.


Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
        Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
        probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
        some useful work done.

--
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
        The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
        instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.

Corollary:
        Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
        except study for that instructor's course.

--
Fourth Law of Revision:
        It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
        interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for
        you.
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 5 Jul 1994 15:18:29 -0700
From:         Robert.D.Reynolds@ASU.EDU
Subject:      Country Sayings (Clean)

        For those desperately searching for a lexicological put-down:
        "Had a personality like a can of stale beer."
        "He's so stupid, if they put his brain on the head of a pin it
would roll around like a BB on a six-line highway."
        "He's about a half-bubble off level."
        "I didn't just fall off the turnip truck."
        "I spoke to her and she didn't say pea turkey squat."
        "About fifty cards short of a full deck."
        "If you had bird brains, you'd fly backward."
        "That face might not stop a clock, but it'd sure raise Cain with a
wristwatch.
        "Got a face that only a mother-in-law could love."
        "So lowdown he could crawl under a snake's belly."
        "Looks like he got beat up with an ugly stick."
        "So cross-eyed he had to lay on his back to look down a well."
        "Got a face so ugly she wore out two bodies."
        "Colder than a well-digger's rear end in the Klondike."
        "So homely they had to tie a pork chop around his neck to get the
dogs to play with him."
        From: Sam Lowe's Corner, _The Phoenix Gazette_ 6-28-94,p. D2.

====
 Dr. Robert D. Reynolds, School of Music
   Box 870405, Arizona State University,
   Tempe, AZ 85287-0405
   Phone: 602/965-4573; FAX 602/965-2659
   Internet: Robert.D.Reynolds@ASU.Edu
   BITNet: REYNOLDS@ASU
   SINFONIA discussion list co-owner.
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 5 Jul 1994 15:41:24 -0600
From:         Raghu S <Raghu.S@M.CC.UTAH.EDU>
Subject:      <Sexually suggestive, off. to men, women, children, animals, etc.)


A little boy asked his mother, "Do people go to heaven feet first?"
His mother replied, "Why, no.  Why do you ask?"  The boy replies, "Well,
the maid was laying on the bed with her feet up, hollering, "Oh God, I'm
coming!"  And she would have, too, if Daddy hadn't held her down."

Two Swedish housemaids are having their pictures taken.  THe first one
asks, "Why is he lookin' at us like that?"  The second replies, "He's got
to focus."  "Oh no," says the first one, "you tell him he has to take the
picture first."

        A man complains of a stiff neck to his wife because she forgot to
sew a button on his collar.  The next day, he finds that she has sewn the
button on his collar, but has cut off all the buttons off his fly!

        A man takes a girl out in his car, stops seven miles out of town,
and propositions her.  She refuses and walks back.  The second night, he
takes her twelve miles out of town and propositions her.  She refuses and
walks back.  The third night, he takes her thirty miles, and she gives in.
 Afterwards he asks why she gave in, and she explains, "I'll walk seven
miles, or even twelve miles, to save a friend of mine from a dose of clap.
 But not thrity."
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 5 Jul 1994 19:26:30 -0400
From:         Warren Ferguson <aa159@SEORF.OHIOU.EDU>
Subject:      Weightlifting <risque>

The male bodybuilder eyed a gorgeous female lifting weights in the gym. He
ambled over and said, "Hey babe. What do you say to a little private
traing session?"
She replied, "What do you have in mind?"
He stared at her crotch and said, "I feel like working on the snatch."
She retorted, "I think you should head for the showers."
"Why?"
She pointed at his crotch and said, "You'll have to settle for the clean
and jerk."
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 5 Jul 1994 21:05:30 -0400
From:         Warren Ferguson <aa159@SEORF.OHIOU.EDU>
Subject:      Weightlifting <risque>

> The male bodybuilder eyed a gorgeous female lifting weights in the gym. He
> ambled over and said, "Hey babe. What do you say to a little private
> traing session?"
> She replied, "What do you have in mind?"
> He stared at her crotch and said, "I feel like working on the snatch."
> She retorted, "I think you should head for the showers."
> "Why?"
> She pointed at his crotch and said, "You'll have to settle for the clean
> and jerk."
>
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 5 Jul 1994 21:39:48 CDT
From:         Vinai Prekash
              <Vinai=Prekash%Contractors%APD=IM=Sin@BANGATE.COMPAQ.COM>
Subject:      Railway joke <off. to Indians>

An Indian always used to carry two tickets while travelling by train. When asked
  why he always bought two tickets, he replied 'Suppose one ticket gets lost ?'
'But sir,  What if the second ticket also gets lost ?'
'Then this All Seasons Railway Pass comes handy.'
'And if this Pass also gets lost ?'
'Well, why the hell do you think  I work for the  Railways'.

Vinai Prakash,
Singapore
--------------------------------
All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful,
The Lord God made them all.
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 5 Jul 1994 21:39:14 -0700
From:         Bob Lennard <blennard@NETCOM.COM>
Subject:      David Letterman's Top Ten List for 07/05/94

-----> Tuesday, July 5, 1994 <-----

========
Opening:
========

  From New York, free cheese graters to each customer, it the Late Show with
David Letterman.  Tonight - Patrick Stewart, singer Melissa Etheridge, and
10-year old girl scout, Ryanne Cobb.  Also Coast-to-Coast with Mujibur and
Sirajul.  Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra.  And now, banned
Argentinian soccer star, David Letterman.

==============
Top Ten US Soccer Team Excuses
==============

10.  Got a hold of some bad World Cup chowder

 9.  Kept getting heckled by Spike Lee

 8.  Brazilians released horrible stinging bugs from rain forest

 7.  Really sleepy from stuff in "Good Luck" gift basket sent by Dwight
     Gooden

 6.  Remembered we're Americans and that it's ok to suck at soccer if
     you're American

 5.  Afraid if we beat Brazil, Brazilians would get depressed, not work
     as hard, and coffee prices would go up.

 4.  Us:  Players named Jim.  Them:  Players named Pablo.  You figure it
     out, Sherlock.

 3.  Who can think about a dumb game when Sirajul & Mujibur are going
     coast-to-coast?

 2.  Goalie distracted when he saw his wife sitting with Bob Barker

 1.  Everywhere we looked -- Brazilians!

=========================

------------------------------