From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Aug 1994

There are 25 messages totalling 689 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1.      off. to dinos and dino lovers
  2.      Smoking <sick>
  3.      100% American - Part 4/5
  4.      Second is sexually suggestive
  5.      Humor about being married <cute>
  6.      Disney--Offensive Language
  7.      A Condom a Day ...
  8.      A gross of Condoms - clean but suggestive
  9.      RESIDENCY APPLICATION (may be Off. to Arkansasians)
 10.      More Condom Humour - <Language>
 11.      Stocks and Bonds
 12.      Windows (Computer) Humor
 13.      senior citizens
 14.      Witty Insults 4/12 >off to You!<
 15.      Question on idiots...and a cyberpunk joke...
 16.      Addr: Bureaucracy in action
 17.      Bullfighting joke <profane to Spaniards>
 18.      Humor: Crabby Sayings... 
 19.      Mixed Marriage
 20.      Condom Joke <non off.>
 21.      3 liner
 22.      Joke
 23.      Car joke
 24.      Polish Joke
 25.      David Letterman's Top Ten List for 08/01/94

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 08:04:31 EDT
From:         Frank Miranda <fmiranda@BFC.COM>
Subject:      off. to dinos and dino lovers

Here are two similar gay dinosaur jokes.

Q.  What to do you call a lesbian dinosaur.

A.  A Lickalotapuss



Q.  What do you call a gay dinosaur.

A.  Dinosoarass.
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 13:21:20 +0100
From:         "Elroy Bos  {elroy.bos@alg.vlk.wau.nl}" <Elroy.Bos@ALG.VLK.WAU.NL>
Subject:      Smoking <sick>

        My wife used to smoke in the shower (don't ask me how).
        But I hated the smell.. So one day I decided to help her
        kick the habit. I replaced the water in the shower
        with gasoline.
        Since that day she hasn't smoked. But there is still
        this awful smell in the shower...
        (source: promising young comedian)

        A Belgian came into a bar and ordered a beer. The waiter put
        a coaster and a beer on the table.
        Ten minutes later the Belgian ordered another beer. The waiter
        brought him the beer and saw that the coaster had disappeared.
        So he fetched another one..
        Ten minutes later, another beer. And again the coaster was
        missing. This time the waiter decided he would not lay down
        another coaster..
        "hey" the Belgian said, "where's my cookie ?"


        Elroy
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 07:58:09 CDT
From:         Jim Harris <JHLAR@UKANVM.BITNET>
Subject:      100% American - Part 4/5

61%  of Americans read the daily newspaper.
62%  of Americans do do-it-yourself projects on a regular basis.
63%  of Americans who believe in life after death think it will be a paradise
     of pleasure and delight.
64%  of Americans live in the state where they were born.
65%  of Americans make a real effort to eat vegetables such as brussels
     sprouts and cauliflower.
66%  of American men believe in love at first sight.
67%  of Americans believe files are being kept on them for unknown reasons.
68%  of Americans do not like others to notice and comment on their appearance.
69%  of Americans believe in having as much fun out of life as possible.
70%  of Americans own running shoes but don't run.
71%  of American men think women should call men for dates.
72%  of American adults would choose their in-laws for friends even if they
     were not related.
73%  of Americans have had a headache in the last year.
74%  of Americans say that, if they had their life to live over again, they
     would continue with their formal education.
75%  of Americans, if given enough money to live comfortably for the rest of
     their lives, would still keep working.
76%  of American owners of small businesses do not have a college degree.
77%  of Americans have never wanted to hold a position in government.
78%  of Americans often eat potatoes.
79%  of American fathers are in the delivery room when their child is born.
80%  of American dog owners give their pets table scraps.
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 09:39:11 -0400
From:         Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      Second is sexually suggestive

(1)     What's the difference between a tornado and a redneck who's being
        divorced?               --Nothing.  Either way he loses the trailer.


(2)     Matthew Grob's toupee joke reminded me of this one:  Back when
        passenger trains were common in the USA, this man with a toupee
        was in his upper berth one night, and he opened the window for
        some fresh air.  The wind blew off his toupee, and he descended into
        the aisle to retrieve it.  Seeing nothing, he started feeling into
        the lower berth, trying to locate it.  Suddenly, a voice
        whispers, "That's it!  That's it!"  --"No, it ain't," he replies,
        "mine was parted on the side!"
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 09:39:31 EST
From:         Angel Dey <DEY@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Humor about being married <cute>

Some go to night clubs
    And some take to liquor
But some, to fight boredom,
    Just sit there and bicker.
When evenings are dullish
    For man and for wife,
A spat's just the ticket
    To bring things to life.
A word of suspicion,
    A jibe that is mean,
Suffices for starting
    A gay little scene.
So loosen the jawbone
    And make with the yak.
Remarks that are nasty
    Bring nasty ones back.
It's cheaper than movies,
    More healthful than drink.
It gives you a appetite,
    Prompts you to think.
It peps things up nicely
    For husbands and wives--
Just lay off the chinaware,
    Pistols, and knives.

      --Author unknown
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 10:21:45 -0400
From:         Robert Nordvall Set Humor Digest
              <Robert.C.Nordvall@ADMIN.GETTYSBURG.EDU>
Subject:      Disney--Offensive Language

With Michael Eiser's (President of Disney) heart operation, the
controversy over the proposed Civil War theme part in Virginia, and
the financial woes of Euro-Disney, the Disney Company is under siege.
Now the crushing blow comes.  Mickey Mouse has sued Minnie for
divorce.  The case comes to court and the judge asks Mickey to
approach the bench.

"Mickey, you and Minnie are American heroes.  Divorce is almost
unthinkable. What will the children of America say?"

The judge turns to the Bailiff.  "Bring me the papers filed in this
case."  He looks over the papers quickly and says "Let me get this
right Mickey.  You want to divorce Minnie because you think she is
mentally unbalanced."

Mickey replies.  "I didn't say she was mentally unbalanced.  I said
she was f**king Goofey."
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 11:11:26 EST5EDT
From:         Wayne Wood <WAYNE@PHYRES.LAN.MCGILL.CA>
Subject:      A Condom a Day ...

My neighbor told me this one as I left the house for work this
morning:

On the first day of the new year, a man visits his pharmacy and
purchases 365 condoms.

On New Year's Day, a year later, he shows up at the same pharmacy
and again buys 365 condoms.

The third year, it's the same again - 365 condoms.

On the fourth year, the man presents himself and again asks for 365
condoms, but the pharmacist interrupts:  "Young man, don't you know
this is Leap Year?  Shouldn't you be buying 366 condoms this time?"
to which the man replies "365 condoms will be fine - what do you
think I am - a sex maniac?"

Wayne
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 08:36:47 -0800
From:         Larry Richards <LRICHARDS@EWU.EDU>
Subject:      A gross of Condoms - clean but suggestive

A man had a garden in his yard where he grew corn.  He had a very good year
and had more corn than he could eat and was worried about how he could preserve
the extra.  His neighbor suggested that he stick each ear of corn in a condom
and then freeze them.  The man said he would give it a try so he went to a
local pharmacist.  He went up to the pharmacist and asked for a gross of
condoms ( that's a dozen dozen or 144 for the mathematically challenged).  He
took them home and as it happened to be a Friday, spent the weekend stuffing
corn into the condoms.  He got to the last ear and realized that he was one
condom short.  He counted very carefully and sure enough the pharmacist had
only given him 143 condoms.  Monday morning he was waiting for the pharmacist
to open.  "Do you remember me?" he asked the pharmacist.  "I would hardly
forget someone who ordered a gross of condoms", the pharmacist said.  "Well you
shorted me one", the man said very irrately.  "I'm sorry", the pharmacist said,
"I hope I didn't ruin your weekend."
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 12:15:42 EST
From:         Ron Barak <barak.uneca@UN.ORG>
Subject:      RESIDENCY APPLICATION (may be Off. to Arkansasians)

The following was forwarded to me from the net.
Ron.

                  ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION


 Name: ________________  (_) Billy-Bob
           (last)        (_) Billy-Joe
                         (_) Billy-Ray
                         (_) Billy-Sue
                         (_) Billy-Mae
                         (_) Billy-Jack
                         (Check appropriate box)

 Age: ____
 Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
 Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

 Occupation:
 (_)Farmer
 (_)Mechanic
 (_)Hair Dresser
 (_)Un-employed

 Spouse's Name: __________________________

 Relationship with spouse:
 (_) Sister
 (_) Brother
 (_) Aunt
 (_) Uncle
 (_) Cousin
 (_) Mother
 (_) Father
 (_) Son
 (_) Daughter
 (_) Pet

 Number of children living in household: ___

 Number that are yours: ___

 Mother's Name: _______________________

 Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

 Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

 Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?  (Check appropriate box)

 ___ Total number of vehicles you own
 ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
 ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
 ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
 ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

 Firearms you own and where you keep them:
 ____ truck
 ____ bedroom
 ____ bathroom
 ____ kitchen
 ____ shed

 Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

 Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
 (_)The National Enquirer
 (_)The Globe
 (_)TV Guide
 (_)Soap Opera Digest

 ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
 ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
 ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

 How often do you bathe:
 (_)Weekly
 (_)Monthly
 (_)Not Applicable

 Color of teeth:
 (_)Yellow
 (_)Brownish-Yellow
 (_)Brown
 (_)Black
 (_)N/A

 Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
 (_)Red-Man

 How far is your home from a paved road?
 (_)1 mile
 (_)2 miles
 (_)don't know
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 17:10:41 +0000
From:         SIMON@WPO.UK.DYNIX.COM
Subject:      More Condom Humour - <Language>

A guy walks into a pharmacists' and says "Give me 99 condoms."
"F*ck me!", says the pharmacist
"OK, make it 100!"
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 13:10:52 EDT
From:         lisa <LARMISTE@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject:      Stocks and Bonds

Dear Sir:

    Previous records indicate that you hold shares in the follwing
companies: Continental Can Co., Western Water CO., Northern Tissue Co.,
and Interstate Gas Co.
    Because of uncertain market conditions at the time, we recommend that
you sit tight on the Continental Can, hold your water, and let your gas go.
You will be interested to know that today, Northern Tissue touched a new
bottom and thousands were wiped clean.

                                       Yours truly,
                                       Squatt & Leavitt
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 13:33:03 EST
From:         Mike Hanke <hankemp@SMTPLINK.EN.WPAFB.AF.MIL>
Subject:      Windows (Computer) Humor

     Found this in the July 25, 1994 Government Computer News (published by
     Cahners Publishing Company), on page 1, in a review written by Cynthia
     Morgan

     ========================

     Is software emulation an elegant answer to the wrong question?

     The last two years have brought new OS/2, Solaris, NextStep, and
     Windows NT operating systems, as well as superchips like the PowerPC,
     MIPS R4400, and Alpha AXP.  With every debut, the question's the same:
      Can it do Windows?

     That's why we now have Microsoft Windows emulation on just about
     everything except the coffeemaker.  But running, say, WordPerfect
     under Windows on top of MS-DOS on top of an Apple Macintosh operating
     system on top of machine code is like mailing a letter to ask your
     dinner companion to pass the salt.  Speed up the processor and you're
     simply switching from mail to overnight express.
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 10:57:28 -0700
From:         John Filce <filce@HSUSEQ.HUMBOLDT.EDU>
Subject:      senior citizens

My parents are retired and do a bit of travelling in their
Winnebago.  Recently, they were doing the long haul on I-5 from
Washington State to California, when they got pulled over for
speeding.  As the officer was writing up their ticket, my mother,
always looking for a good deal, asked if they would get a senior
citizens discount.  I wish I could have seen his face, but evidently
he didn't skip a beat before answering that he had already given
them one by citing them for doing 72 instead of 75mph.
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 14:18:41 EDT
From:         Timothy Abicht <ERIOND@AOL.COM>
Subject:      Witty Insults 4/12 >off to You!<

Don`t you need a license to be that ugly?

Moonlight becomes you - total darkness even more!

Someone took a photo of you once but it didn't turn out. You could be seen
too clearly.

So you finally managed to get the last laugh (word); a long time ago.

You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.

People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have
inferiority!

You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.

I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more!

I you are in your right mind, I hope you go insane!

If I told that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?

Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?

If you were a swine, you would be what you are now!

Eventually you will get your comedownance.

I'd like to break the monotony; where's your weakest point?

You are the answer to my prayer. I prayed to find out if things could get
worse.

At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people - you are obnoxious
in a different and worse way!
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.

You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are
lies!
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 13:31:02 -0500
From:         "The Great Drewcifer...most powerful Drewid"
              <dr2@MAIL.EVANSVILLE.EDU>
Subject:      Question on idiots...and a cyberpunk joke...

As a waiter in a pizza restaurant, we regularly serve breadsticks as an
appatizer (sp?).  Our sticks are served with the customers choice of two of
three dips; cheese, tomato, or garlic butter.  Correct counting shows
there are "Three" dips to chose from.  So why do I always get the same
response of "Both", meaning "Two", when I ask what kind of dip?  How am I
supposed to know which "Two" dips "Both" is supposed to refer to when we
have "Three"?

*************
Q.  What was the netrunners last words to the Watchdog program?

A.  Byte me.

<Netrunners are what we are.  A Watchdog program is an anti-intruder
program, at least in the CyberPunk universe.>

l8rz ppl.....

Drew Rub                                        4986 Tippecanoe Dr.
University of Evansville                        Evansville, In 47715
Telecommunications                              812-476-1821
dr2@mail.evansville.edu                         gambit@maddog.evansville.edu
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 13:56:11 EST
From:         Kevin Cain <KEVIN@VM.CC.FAMU.EDU>
Subject:      Addr: Bureaucracy in action

From:

  An East Chicago resident ran into problems when he tried to get a license
for his electric car. The state of Illinois requires that all automobiles
must pass an emission test, and you would think that an electric car
would have no problems, right? Don't underestimate the ineptness of
bureaucracy. The electric car denied a license because it didn't
have a tailpipe to conduct the emissions tests.
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 15:11:50 EST
From:         Clarity Hands <CLEAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Bullfighting joke <profane to Spaniards>

     An American tourist walked in to a traditional restaurant in
Spain.  When he got the menu, he realized that it was written in
spannish.  So he looked around and found a delicious looking dish on
the next table. It was two large bull's balls topped with a very
delicious sauce.  When the waiter came, he asked,
     "I want the same dish as that senor"
     "I am sorry, senor.  That is a very special dish.  You have to
order it a day in advance!"
     So the tourist ordered it and promised that he would returned the
next day.  On the next day, he returned to the same restaurant and
found that the dish in front of him was two much smaller balls.
     "Waiter,  how come these balls are so small.  The dish I saw
yesterday had two large balls!"
     "I am sorry, senor.  But sometimes the bull wins!"
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 15:45:59 -0400
From:         "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to 
              be what I am now." <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU> 
Subject:      Humor: Crabby Sayings... 

  This is from a book that my friend has, titled "Don't Worry, Be Crabby."
  I've selected what I think are the funniest:
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.  It makes the neighbor's dog run to 
the end of his chain and gag himself.

Winning isn't everything.  Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it..
 ...that's everything! 

People who live in glass houses shouldn't cavort nude on top of the piano doing
gorilla impersonations.

If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my cat.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore 
someone completely.

Somewhere, over the rainbow...  that's where the airline will find my luggage. 

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on 
somebody else.

It's a small world....So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

This land is your land.  This land is my land.  So stay on your land.
========================= 

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 14:02:27 EDT
From:         Jon-Paul Therriault <sartre@TERRANET.CTS.COM>
Subject:      Mixed Marriage

     It  happened in West Hollywood.  A husband wife were having a big 
knock down and drag out argument right on Santa Monica Boulevard.  Two 
gays, who were walking on the other side of the street, holding hands, 
noticed the fight. 

    One turned to the other and said, "See darling, I told you those
mixed marriages won't work."
------------------------------------------------------------------ 

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 14:53:00 -0600
From:         Raghu S <Raghu.S@M.CC.UTAH.EDU>
Subject:      Condom Joke <non off.>


        A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms explaining
to the pharmacist that he has a "sure thing" lined up with the school tramp
tonight.  When he goes to pick up his date, her mom invites him to stay for
dinner.  They talk for some time while waiting for the girls father to
come home from work so they can start dinner, and the guy is starting to
get a little impatient.  Finally, the dad arrives and everyone sits down
to dinner.  "Would you like to say grace?" the mom asks, and the guy bows
his head, takes in a deep breath, and delivers a breathtaking speech of
gratitude and hope to God.  When he is done, his date leans over and
whispers in astonishment, "I had no idea that you were so religious."
And he replies, "I had no idea that your father was a pharmacist either."
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 15:29:22 -0600
From:         Doug Gwilliam <DOUGGW@WORDPERFECT.COM>
Subject:      3 liner

As noted in the Salt Lake Tribune:

Figures show attendance at national parks fallen for the first summer
since the end of the World War II.  Rangers remember that year.  It was
the last time they put toilet paper in the restrooms.
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 19:18:12 EDT
From:         "Bobby Crabree User." <UKCATS1993@AOL.COM>
Subject:      Joke

Today when I started gathering all my humor mail, I noticed that there were a
lot of "condom" jokes. That made me remember a story a friend of mine told me
I damn near died laughing. Here's the story.
(My friend) Liked marshallow cream and gram crackers. After about a week or
so eating out of this gar of marshallow cream he saw something in the jar so
he took his knife and started to examine it. He looked and started pulling
this thing out of the jar finely he figured out that it was a condom it made
him furious. I told the friend it could have been worse! he said how's that?
I said the rubber could have been in the bottom of the jar, instead of the
middle.

                                                 Bobby
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 21:13:25 EST
From:         Kathleen Williams <WILLIA3@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Car joke

What about cars that don't have distributors.  What's a good way to
disable them ?

Install one :-)
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 22:16:35 -0500
From:         Adam Clift <clift002@MAROON.TC.UMN.EDU>
Subject:      Polish Joke

        A man walks into a bar and shouts, "Okay listen up!  I've got the
funniest Polish joke every!"
        A big powerhouse playing pool approaches the man with his pool-stick
in his hands and says,  "I'm Polish."
        Two big guys turn around on their stools and one says,  "I'm Polish
and my friend here is also Polish."
        The bartender pauses from mixing a drink and says, "I'm Polish."
        "Now," says the Polish powerhouse breaking his pool-stick, "do you
really want to tell that Polish joke?"
        "Nah," says the man.
        "What?  Are you scared?" asks the Polish bartender.
        "No," says the man, "I just don't feel like having to explain it
four times."
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 1 Aug 1994 21:41:23 -0700
From:         Bob Lennard <blennard@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject:      David Letterman's Top Ten List for 08/01/94

-----> Monday, August 1, 1994 <-----

========
Opening:
========

  From New York, now a stay-fresh resealable pouch, it's the Late Show
with David Letterman.  Tonight - Damon Wayans, singer John Secada, and
from the Texas Rangers perfect game pitcher, Kenny Rogers.Plus Paul
Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra.  And now, a man who is loopy from the
heat, David Letterman.

================
Top Ten George Bush's Complaints about Dan Quayle's Book
================

  [Apparently, Bush recently panned Quayle's book for the attitude it
  took on some issues - those of fellow Republicans in particular.]

10.  Frequent misuse of the word "weenie"

 9.  Thought "Forrest Gump" was a more accurate portrayal of Quayle's
     life

 8.  In book, Quayle claims he was Pres. and George Bush was his yippy
     little pet chihuahua

 7.  Calls Letterman a jerk, when in fact he's a dork

 6.  Wasn't appropriate to include nude photos of Tonya Harding and
     Jeff Gillooly  [Jeff recent sold a honeymoon video of himself and
     Tonya to Playboy.  Watch for it in an upcoming issue.]

 5.  Keeps refering to Barbara as "jolly old Saint Nick"

 4.  Wrote about what a pleasure it was to serve with President Dana
     Carvey

 3.  Criticized Bush for choosing an idiot for Vice President

 2.  That completely fabricated anecdote in which Bush sees Quayle in
     the locker room and says, "Danny Boy, you're one sexy bastard!"

 1.  Couldn't find Waldo

=========================

------------------------------