From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Aug 1994

There are 26 messages totalling 678 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1.      Re: HUMOR Digest - 28 Jul 1994 to 29 Jul 1994
  2.      a blindman in a whorehouse <sexuall,offensive to blindmen?>
  3.      doctors and God (offensive to doctors !!! )
  4.      A Whorehouse <off. to Polish & whores>
  5.      100% American - Part 5/5
  6.      Old car humor (G)
  7.      Humor: Grandparents
  8.      THE PROGRAMMER'S QUICK GUIDE TO COMPUTER LANGUAGES
  9.      Clinton (offensive to Supporters)
 10.      Churchill <offensive ?>
 11.      Murphy's Law
 12.      Murphy's Law of Jelly sandwiches
 13.      US Health Care Plan
 14.      More on the Clinton Health Care Plan
 15.      Murphy's Law on Office Telephones
 16.      Murphy's Law on Office Telephones
 17.      Murphy's Paradox of Weightless Jellied Cats
 18.      Murphy's Laws
 19.      preacher's ass
 20.      Murphy's Law of Higher Ed.
 21.      Witty Insults 5/12 >off to YOU!<
 22.      Murphy's Law of College
 23.      Light bulb joke <risque>
 24.      Nun's joke (2) <rude>
 25.      Michael & Lisa Marie
 26.      David Letterman's Top Ten List for 08/02/94

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 14:16:54 GMT+1200
From:         "Francis M. Mabayag III" <FRANCIS@CEAC3B.USC.EDU.PH>
Subject:      Re: HUMOR Digest - 28 Jul 1994 to 29 Jul 1994

->>Subject: he's really a she! <off. to gays and the like!>
->
->Some queers may have been offended, but I wasn't.
->
    I'm glad to hear that. After all, it's all jokes which purpose is
to make us laugh and is not intended to offend anybody. Did you find
it funny?  (:o I got a reply which says it isn't funny at all. Well
maybe in that side of the world it isn't, but here, it is. It's a joke
of a rather known local comedian here - well it sounds funny when told
in our language.
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 11:40:41 +0300
From:         Galit Shechter <sgalit@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject:      a blindman in a whorehouse <sexuall,offensive to blindmen?>

A blindman (BM) used to ride a taxi with the same driver every week to
the whorehouse, do what he did while the taxi driver was waiting outside
and then he would ride the taxi home.  This thing was going on for years.
Well - after 10 years the taxi driver asked the BM if he could go with
him inside the whorehouse instead of waiting in the taxi, so the BM
answered - Sure - no problem!
Well they both went in, and the BM introduced the girls to the driver:
This here is Sara, this here is Michel, etc.
The driver looked at them and told the BM in whisper - They all have zits
on their butts!
So the BM answers - That's not zits - that's their names!
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 12:22:55 +0300
From:         Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject:      doctors and God (offensive to doctors !!! )

What's the difference between God and doctors?

Well, God has never thought himself as doctor.



ariel
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 08:00:00 PDT
From:         "Finn, Eric C." <efinn@WCUPA.EDU>
Subject:      A Whorehouse <off. to Polish & whores>

The whorehouse joke reminded me of a good one I heard a while a go.

There was a whorehouse in a rather well-known section of town and there were
four men at this whorehouse.  One man was running in, one was walking out,
one was in there, and one was sitting in his car waiting for the red light
to turn green.
Q:  What are the nationalities of the the four men?

A:   The man who is running in is Russian
     The man who is walking out in Finnish
     The man who is sitting in his car waiting for the red light to turn
     green is Polish and
     The man who is in there is Himalayan ;)
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 07:37:52 CDT
From:         Jim Harris <JHLAR@UKANVM.BITNET>
Subject:      100% American - Part 5/5

81%  of American widowed, divorced, or separated women think marriage is a
     commitment for life.
82%  of American entertainment celebrities watch their own performances on
     film or TV.
83%  of American companies have fewer than 20 employees.
84%  of Americans believe heaven exists.
85%  of Americans did not see Halley's comet.
86%  of American men use deodorant.
87%  of Americans prefer not to work around people who don't use deodorant.
88%  of American women say that, if they could afford it, they would rather
     stay home with their children.
89%  of American grocery stores sell motor oil.
90%  of Americans think driving a car is risky.
91%  of married Americans think playing a musical instrument is something you
     will always be glad you learned to do.
92%  of American households have telephone service.
93%  of American transportation toys cannot be ridden on.
94%  of American men would change something about their looks if they could.
95%  of American peanut-eaters eat at least nine at a sitting.
96%  of American schoolchildren can identify Ronald McDonald (who is second
     only to Santa Claus).
97%  of Americans think their spouses are honest with them about anything
     really important most or all of the time.
98%  of American households have at least one television.
99%  of American women would change something about their looks if they could.
100%  of Americans are, if nothing else, Americans.


How many of you out there in HUMOR-land were surveyed for this?  I know that
I wasn't!     :)
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 08:21:14 CDT
From:         Ed Johnson <EJOHNSO3@UA1VM.BITNET>
Subject:      Old car humor (G)

The other night an old friend and I were talking about the great (and slightly
less than great) cars of the 50s and 60s--which reminded us of how we used
to speculate on the merger of car companies.  Our favorite was if the Valiant
and Comet ever mergered they'd have to call it the Vomit.  We figured it'd
probably come in 12 puky colors with a throw-up top.

                                                    --Ed Johnson
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 09:21:38 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Humor: Grandparents

    A grandmother recently met her friend and started to ask,
"Did I tell you about the cute thing my granddaughter said ...."

    But she was cut short with, "Before you start I warn you that I
demand equal time--and I have sixteen gradchildren!"
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 09:43:46 EST
From:         Ron Barak <barak.uneca@UN.ORG>
Subject:      THE PROGRAMMER'S QUICK GUIDE TO COMPUTER LANGUAGES

Another piece of computer humour (for us geeks :-)
Ron

            THE PROGRAMMER'S QUICK GUIDE TO THE LANGUAGES


  The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to
  have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it
  difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This handy
  reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find
  themselves in such a dilemma.

                  TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.

  C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

  C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot
  them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is
  impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are
  just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

  FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out
  of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of
  bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because
  you have no exception-handling capability.

  Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

  Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load
  the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When
  you try, however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong
  type.

  COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
  ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return
HANDGUN to
  HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.

  LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
  you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
  shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
  yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself
  in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in
  the appendage which holds...

  FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.

  Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The
  program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to
  explain it to you.

  BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems,
  continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

  Visual Basic: You'll really only _appear_ to have shot yourself in the
  foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care.

  HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you.
  Answer the result.

  Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet,
  its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the
  gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

  APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how
  to do it in fewer characters.

  SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail,
  shoot yourself in the right foot.

  Unix:

  % ls
  foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
  % rm * .o
  rm:.o no such file or directory
  % ls
  %

  Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

  370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document
  explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your
  foot comes back deep-fried.

  Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.

  Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all
  your Borland distribution diskettes instead.

  Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself
  in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty
  little bullet-thingies are for.

  Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you
  must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.

  Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in
  this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 09:59:33 -0400
From:         "James E. Davis" <jdavis@ADMIN.ALLEG.EDU>
Subject:      Clinton (offensive to Supporters)

The other day I was driving and saw this bumper sticker:

                CLINTON SUCKS
                BUT HE DOESN'T INHALE
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 10:31:35 -0500
From:         Archie Andrews <pkashyap@CS.TTU.EDU>
Subject:      Churchill <offensive ?>

My friend Giri and I had once been to participate in a quiz competition.
One of the question asked to us was, "What did Churchill say when it was
pointed out to him that his fly was open ?" Giri confidently answered,
"Is the soldier standing in attention or is he lolling on his sand
bags." The answer was wrong but Giri showed that his wit was sharp enough.
Churchill is supposed to have said, "Don't worry. Some old birds don't
fall off their nests."

******************************************************************************
**

                "Men who are bald at the front are thinkers.
                 Men who are bald at the back are romantic.
                 Men who are bald all over think they are romantic."

******************************************************************************
**
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 06:41:23 -0400
From:         "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP,
              (410) 830-3642" <D7AP002@TOA.TOWSON.EDU>
Subject:      Murphy's Law

A few year's ago, after a rather long and trying flight, I came up with the
following Murphy's Law of Airports.

The distance from the gate you land at to the gate of your connecting flight is
inversly proportional to the amount of time you have to get from gate to gate.
In other words, if you have ten minutes to get from one to the other, the other
will be on the other side of the airport; on the other hand, if you have an
hour, they will be right next to each other.

If it is OK with you Bill, I'd like the rest of you to send your "Murphy's
Laws".

Thanks,
Tom
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 09:45:22 -0800
From:         Larry Richards <LRICHARDS@EWU.EDU>
Subject:      Murphy's Law of Jelly sandwiches

Murhpy's Law of open faced jelly sandwiches - The probability of an open faced
jelly sandwich falling face down is directly propotional to the cost of the
carpet.  In other words, the more expensive the carpet, the more likely the
sandwich will land face down.
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 09:54:21 -0700
From:         Gary Watson <watson@RAHUL.NET>
Subject:      US Health Care Plan

   "They will finally come out with the Bob Dole health care plan,
which simply says, 'If you want health insurance, get some.'"

      -Political satirist, Mark Russell
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 13:43:04 EST
From:         Julia Price <Julia_Price@WALLOP.SENATE.GOV>
Subject:      More on the Clinton Health Care Plan

     Q:  What's the difference between Elvis and the Clinton Health
         care plan?

     A:  Elvis is still alive.


  ____________________________________________________________
  The opinions expressed here are my own and do not represent
     those of Senator Wallop or any other Senate Official.

          Julia Price -- `La Belle Dame Sans Merci'
          ----------------------------------------
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 13:47:48 EDT
From:         RHEW000 <RHEW@SLUMUS.BITNET>
Subject:      Murphy's Law on Office Telephones

(From a secretary of 18 years)
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 13:51:19 EDT
From:         RHEW000 <RHEW@SLUMUS.BITNET>
Subject:      Murphy's Law on Office Telephones

Oops. Sorry. Wrong button.

(From a secretary of 18 years)

The second you leave your desk and travel far enough from it to insure
the impossibility of answering it, the phone will ring.
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 14:02:44 EST
From:         Rich Hughes <hughes%pcmail.cti-pet.com@CTI-PET.COM>
Subject:      Murphy's Paradox of Weightless Jellied Cats

Murphy's Paradox of Weightless Jellied Cats:

If you spread jelly along a cat's back & drop it onto an expensive carpet, it
must land on it's feet and on it's back at the same time to satisfy the
currently held theories.

Murphy's Paradox of Weightless Jellied Cats therefore states that the cat must
become weightless, rise toward your face, and claw the living daylights out of
you.

rich hughes
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 14:48:45 -0500
From:         KIM BARBER <cekb@ODESSA.EDU>
Subject:      Murphy's Laws

No doubt the closer a due date is for a project the more pages there are
to type.

Kimberli
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 16:36:22 -0400
From:         "Thomas E. Arcuri" <TARCURI@CCMAIL.SUNYSB.EDU>
Subject:      preacher's ass

               State University of New York at Stony Brook
                       Stony Brook, NY 11790-0264

                                            Thomas Bekele-Arcuri
                                            Asst. Director, University Apts.
                                            Division of Campus Residences
                                            516 632-6755
                                            02-Aug-1994 04:35pm EDT
FROM:  TARCURI
TO:    Remote Addressee                     ( _humor@uga.cc.uga.edu )

Subject: preacher's ass



                        DONKEY RACING IN TEXAS

   A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told that
there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one enter it in
the races.
   However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep
that the preacher ended up buying a donkey instead.
   He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter
it in the races.  To his surprise, the donkey came in third.  The next
day the headlines read:

                        "PREACHERS ASS SHOWS"

   The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
races again.  This time he won!  The news read:

                     "PREACHERS ASS OUT IN FRONT"

   The bishop of the church saw the headline and was so upset with this
kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in
another race.  The headlines read:

                    "BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHERS ASS"

   This was too much for the Bishop to take, so he ordered the preacher
to get rid of the animal.  The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.  The headlines read:

                        "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"

   The Bishop fainted.  He informed the nun that she would have to
dispose of the donkey - so she found a farmer who was willing to buy the
animal for $10.00.  The headlines read:

                        "NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS"

   They had to bury the Bishop the next day . . .
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 16:48:41 -0400
From:         Susan Jennings <JENNINGSSL@APPSTATE.BITNET>
Subject:      Murphy's Law of Higher Ed.

Murphy's Law of Higher Education:

  The night before a major paper is due, your computer a) takes a vacation,
b) decides to run out of ribbon/ink/paper or c) gives the message "File not
found!"  Horrors!

Susan Jennings
Appalachian State University
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 17:05:48 EDT
From:         Timothy Abicht <ERIOND@AOL.COM>
Subject:      Witty Insults 5/12 >off to YOU!<

You have a good weapon against muggers - your face!

You are so two-faced that any woman who married you would be married to a
bigamist.

I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter but now I see you are not worth it!

I hope you never get a tetanus shot; maybe you'll windup with lockjaw.

We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.

Hey, how come even though you are still alive your parents are in mourning
for you?

For two cents I`d give you a piece of my mind - and all of yours.

You are the only person I've ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the
same time!

You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth!

Hey, act your age -- senile!

You are a man who always sticks by his convictions. You will remain a fool no
matter how much you get ridiculed for it!

A DOPE YOU ARE AND WILL REMAIN.
COMPLETELY UNLIKE COCAINE.
YOU ADD TO, NOT DIMINISH, PAIN!

You don't believe in being artificial. You want people to hate you for
yourself.

You will never be able to live down to your reputation!

Hey! I know what sign you were born under! RED LIGHT DISTRICT!

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 16:49:55 -0500
From:         KIM BARBER <cekb@ODESSA.EDU>
Subject:      Murphy's Law of College

Murphys Law that if you need three hours to graduate you can bet those
classes are either filled til the year 2000 or they just discontinued
your degree plan.

Kimberli
=========================

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Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 14:58:00 PDT
From:         "Larson, Mark" <larsonm@CSS.ORST.EDU>
Subject:      Light bulb joke <risque>

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two, but the problem is getting into it!
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 18:49:26 EST
From:         Clarity Hands <CLEAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Nun's joke (2) <rude>

        Two nuns walk into a liqueur store and ask the man at the counter
for a bottle of Blackberry Brandy. The clerk tells the nuns that he knows
they are not suppose to drink alcohol and he cannot sell them the bottle.

        One of the nuns said "It's okay. It's for the Mother Superior.
You see, she's constipated." So the clerk sells them the brandy.

        After locking up the store at closing time, the clerk walks down
the street and sees the two nuns are falling down drunk.

        The clerk says "Sisters, you lied to me. You said that was for Mother
Superior's constipation." The nun replies "It is. When she see us, she's
going to SHIT."

----

        A nun gets into a cab in New York.  She demurely says in a
small,high,voice, "Could you please take me to Times Square?"

        In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabbie initiates conversation,
"Hey sista, that's kinda a long drive?  You mind if we, like,  chat?

        The nun says, "Why no my son, whatever is on your mind?"

        The cabbie, "About dis celibacy thing.  Are you telling me you
never think about doin' it?

        The nun, "Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my
mind a time or two.  I am of weak human flesh you understand."

        The cabbie, "Well, woulda ever consider, you know, doin' it?"

        The nun, "Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very
unique circumstance, I might consider it.

        The cabbie, "Well what would dose conditions happen to be?"

        The nun, "Well, he'd have to be Catholic, unmarried and well,
certainly, he could have no children."

        The cabbie, "Well, sista, today is your lucky day.  I am all
three. Why do youse come on up here...I won't even make you really
break your vows.  All you gotta do is go down on me."

        The nun looks around....they are awfully far away from where
anyone would recognize her....at the next light she gets into the
front with the driver.  By the next light, the nun is getting back
into the rear of the cab, and the cabbie is smiling from ear to ear.

        As she settles in, the nun hears the cabbie begin to laugh.

        The nun inquires, "Why, my son, what is so humorous?"

        The cabbie sneers, "Sista, I got ya.  I'm Protestant, I'm
married, and I got four kids.

        And from the back of the cab comes the nun's low voiced
response, "Yeah, well my name's Dave and I'm on my way to a costume
party."
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 17:59:03 -0500
From:         NAME <ECLEMENT@ADMIN2.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject:      Michael & Lisa Marie

Do you remember how Michael and Lisa Marie first met?  They have the
same Avon lady.
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Aug 1994 21:35:41 -0700
From:         Bob Lennard <blennard@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject:      David Letterman's Top Ten List for 08/02/94

-----> Tuesday, August 2, 1994 <-----

========
Opening:
========

  From New York, written applications due September 1st, it's the Late
Show with David Letterman.  Tonight - actress Cameron Diaz, singer
Stevie Nicks, and etiquette expert Letitia Baldrige.  Plus Paul Shaffer
and the CBS Orchestra.  And now, a man who loves your sunny smile more
than life itself, David Letterman.

==================
Top Ten Good Things About Being Married To Michael Jackson
==================

  [Yep, it's official folks!  Lisa Marie officially announced her
  marriage to the Mikey.]

10.  When you get a few years older good advice on plastic surgeons

 9.  White sequined glove prevents greasy fingerprints on fridge

 8.  Fun to say "Honey, could you moonwalk to the Stop 'N' Shop for a
     quart of milk?"

 7.  After a day with the Jacksons, suddenly your Presley relatives
     seem normal

 6.  None of those annoying demands for sex

 5.  His squeaky ultrasonic voice keeps away mice

 4.  As King of Pop, gets 10% dinner discount at participating Red
     Lobster restaurants

 3.  If he comes home with lipstick on his collar, you can be pretty
     sure it's his own

 2.  Never have to throw out leftovers with Liz dropping by

 1.  Three words:  Christmas with Tito

=========================

------------------------------