From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Aug 1994

There are 29 messages totalling 732 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1.      Spit + other human liquids <very disgusting>
  2.      Indians <sex, race>
  3.      Strange Signs
  4.      Michael & Lisa Marie (offensive to Blacks and Rednecks)
  5.      off. to White Males
  6.      soup (disgusting)
  7.      soup <disgusting>
  8.      Re: Michael & Lisa Marie
  9.      <No Subject Given>
 10.      Another OJ Joke
 11.      Murphy's Law on Advanced Planning.
 12.      Murphy's Law of Weightlifting.
 13.      Murphy's Law of Photocopiers
 14.      Theme Songs for Biblical Events
 15.      Thoughts for the Day
 16.      Arkansas Residency App. #2 <off. to Ark>
 17.      crude whorehouse joke
 18.      Off. to Democrats and Feminists
 19.      Cute, but a groaner
 20.      Witty Insults 6/12 >off to You!<
 21.      O.J. Simpson Trial
 22.      No sex from wife joke
 23.      Clinton Bumpersticker (off.to Clinton fans, sugg.)
 24.      FW: Divorce and Cheating  <probably non-offensive>
 25.      No sex with wife joke
 26.      HUMOR: They shaved their heads
 27.      5 more limericks <adult material>
 28.      Bus Humor (clean)
 29.      David Letterman's Top Ten List for 08/03/94

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 15:00:00 CSTR
From:         "Elroy Bos  {elroy.bos@alg.vlk.wau.nl}" <Elroy.Bos@ALG.VLK.WAU.NL>
Subject:      Spit + other human liquids <very disgusting>

To continue the line of disgust:
(These are difficult to translate for me, so please use your imagination)

Three men were sharing a compartment on a train. After a while they
got pretty bored, so they decided to have a contest. The one who
could spit the largest spot on the window would win.
The first one gargeled and spit. A large stain of saliva was on the
window. The second one said: 'I can do better' and started to
collect the saliva on the window, sucked it up, gargeled and spit.
An even bigger stain was on the window. The third man did the same:
he licked all the salive of the window and gargeled. At that time
the conductor came in and asked what they were doing. The third man
replied: <swallow> Nothing, Sir'

Two men were walking down the street
1: 'Did you know I can tell whether a woman is having her period or not ?'
2: 'No I didn't'
1: 'You see that woman ? She is having her period.'
2: 'I don't believe you'
1: 'Go and ask'
2 hesitantly steps up to the woman and asks: 'Are you having your
period today ?'
'Yes I am, how do you know ?'
2 walks back and says: 'Pure coincidence. That didn't prove it.'
1: 'Ok, if you turn right here, the second street on the left, at number
16, that woman is having her period too.'
So 2 walks to the house, rings, a man opens the door.
2: 'Excuse me, is your wife having her period today ?'
Man <wiping his mouth>: 'Oh, can you still see it ?'

Elroy -
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 14:26:56 +0100
From:         "Elroy Bos  {elroy.bos@alg.vlk.wau.nl}" <Elroy.Bos@ALG.VLK.WAU.NL>
Subject:      Indians <sex, race>

An anthropologist heard of a yet undiscovered Indian tribe living in the
heart of Brazil, called the Long Dick Indians.
So he sets out to study these Indians.
He peddles up the Amazone river in his canoo until he sees an Indian swimming.
'Excuse me' he asks, 'Do you know where I might find the Long Dick Indians'
'Well, this is your lucky day, I am a Long Dick Indian'
'Could I talk to you for a minute ?'
'Sure, go ashore, I will follow'
The anthropologist climbs ashore, the Indian following him. As the Indian
comes out of the water, the anthropologist sees he has tied his dick around
his waist. Before sitting down, the Indian unties his dick and
lets it hang free.
The anthropologist is looking at him with wide open eyes.
'What's the matter ?' the Indian asks, 'Isn't your dick smaller when you come
out of cold water ?'

Elroy -
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 13:52:17 +1000
From:         Saeros <stheath@PIONEER.AS.EDU.AU>
Subject:      Strange Signs

I hope I don't start anything by this, but here are two notices from a
classified section of a newspaper...

"Road-tested spares- $85 per radial"

"MAN WANTED
To work nuclear fission isotope molecule reactive counters and three-phase
cyclotronic uranium photosynthesizers.
No experience necessary."
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 00:51:31 EDT
From:         Daevid Machen <UltimaJock@AOL.COM>
Subject:      Michael & Lisa Marie (offensive to Blacks and Rednecks)

Most of Elvis' redneck fans aren't as upset about Lisa Marie Presley marrying
Michael Jackson as one might suspect.

After all, she DID marry a second white guy...




namaste, UltimaJock@aol.com
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 04:02:17 EDT
From:         Adina Sobo <AdinaS@AOL.COM>
Subject:      off. to White Males

The history of the WHAMs (WHite American Males) during the past 65 or so
years can be summarized as follows:

1930s and 1940s:  "What do those uppity Jews want, anyhow?"

1950s and 1960s:  "What do those uppity nigras want, anyhow?"

1960s and 1970s:  "What do those uppity women want, anyhow?"

1980s and 1990s:  "What do those uppity gays want, anyhhow?"

(from rec.org.mensa)
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 11:54:50 +0300
From:         Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject:      soup (disgusting)

A man in the restaurant calls the waiter:

- There is a fly in my soup, what can you say about it?

- Can you please lower your voice sir, otherwise everyone will want one.


ariel
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 11:06:43 +0100
From:         "Elroy Bos  {elroy.bos@alg.vlk.wau.nl}" <Elroy.Bos@ALG.VLK.WAU.NL>
Subject:      soup <disgusting>

To follow up on Altar Ariel's soup joke:

        A man entered a restaurant. Since there was no table free,
        he had to sit at a table with a man who was reading his
        newspaper.
        On the table stood a plate filled with soup. The man
        reading the paper did not seem to eat it.
        So he carefully took a spoon and started to eat, very
        silently so that the other man wouldn't notice.
        He ate and ate, until he reached the bottom of the plate
        where he saw.. the head of a rat.
        He couldn't hold himself and vomited all the soup back onto
        the plate.
        The other man lowered his paper and said: 'That's
        exactly what I did, when I saw the rat's head.'

Elroy -
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 06:43:40 CDT
From:         Mike Tabat <mtabat@SUN004.CPDSC.COM>
Subject:      Re: Michael & Lisa Marie

Did anyone see the NBC program "Dateline" last night?  They did a short story
on the marriage of Lisa and Michael, and interviewed a guy from "People"
magazine.  Anyway, this guy says he will only believe they are truly in love
when quote:

        "I'll beleive they are truly in love when they have a child; and
         that child is born looking like Michael *used* to look!"
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 07:53:18 -0400
From:         "D. E. Gulledge" <gulledge@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      <No Subject Given>

What is the difference between Republicans and Democrats philosophy of
tax and spend.

Republicans wish to tax those who can produce to benefit those who can't.

Democrats wish to tax those who do produce to benefit those who won't.

Republicans assume those who don't, won't.

Democrats assume those who don't, can't.
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 08:10:49 -0400
From:         Sharon Rondeau <SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject:      Another OJ Joke

Q. What did Ron say to Nicole at the Pearly Gates?
A. "Here's your goddamn glasses!"
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 07:59:32 EST
From:         John Swift <SWIFTY@MEDISENSE.COM>
Subject:      Murphy's Law on Advanced Planning.

Murphys Law on Advanced Planning:

    Nature Always Sides with the Hidden Flaw.



Swifty

John K Swift
SWIFTY@medisense.com

**********************************************************************

"It aint that there are so many damn fools in the world, Its
just that the distribution of lightning aint right!"

                                                        S. Clemens

**********************************************************************
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 08:02:35 EST
From:         John Swift <SWIFTY@MEDISENSE.COM>
Subject:      Murphy's Law of Weightlifting.

Murphy's Law of Weightlifting:

    If It Can't Be Put Down In A Controled Manner,

    Don't Pick It Up!



Swifty
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 08:57:18 EST5EDT
From:         Wayne Wood <WAYNE@PHYRES.LAN.MCGILL.CA>
Subject:      Murphy's Law of Photocopiers

The liklihood of the photocopier crapping out on you is directly
proportional to the urgency of the job at hand.

Wayne
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 08:28:40 -0500
From:         Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject:      Theme Songs for Biblical Events

        Theme Songs for Biblical Events

        Isaac's being sacrificed:
         "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off"

        Adam and Eve's Fall:
         "The Party's Over"

        Abraham at Isaac's birth:
         "The Most Happy Fella"

        Sarah at Isaac's birth:
         "You Make Me Feel So Young"
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 07:45:58 CDT
From:         Jim Harris <JHLAR@UKANVM.BITNET>
Subject:      Thoughts for the Day

Ponder these while you are "daydreaming about that perfect job"   :)

-  Do bankruptcy attorneys expect to get paid?

-  Why do we say "Thank You" to the officer who has just handed us a traffic
   ticket?

-  Why are frozen peas all the same size?  <George Carlin>

-  Ever notice that birthday cards are created in such a way so you can send
   them to those less fortunate than you?
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 09:57:00 PDT
From:         "Finn, Eric C." <efinn@WCUPA.EDU>
Subject:      Arkansas Residency App. #2 <off. to Ark>

I saw the first one and had to post this version of it as well.

                  APPLICATION TO LIVE IN ARKANSAS

Name:_____________________________________________________________________
Nickname:___________________________  CB Handle:__________________________
Address (RFD) ____________________________________________________________
Daddy (If unknown list three suspects)____________________________________
                                      ____________________________________
Neck Shade:    [ ] Light Red   [ ] Medium Red  [ ] Dark Red
               [ ] Other___________________________________
Number of teeth exposed in full grin:_________ Upper:_______ Lower:_______
Make of Pickup:______________________________ Size of Tire: ______________
Hounds:____________ Type: [ ] Blue Tick  [ ] Beagle  [ ] Black/Tan
                          [ ] Other ______________________________
Length of Right Leg:_______________  Length of Left Leg:__________________
How many cars/makes in front yard:____________ On blocks:_________________
How many kitchen appliances on front porch:___________ Back porch:________
When and where was your last Elvis sighting:______________________________
Do you wear mostly polyester pants with snags:  [ ] Yes  [ ] No
Do you own any shoes (not boots):  [ ] Yes  [ ] No
Are you married to any of the following:
   [ ] Sister       [ ] Cousin      [ ] Cousin's Sister        [ ] Aunt
   [ ] Other (explain)______________
Does your wife way more than your truck?   [ ] Yes  [ ] No
Can you always sign your name and spell it right?   [ ] Yes  [ ] No
Have you ever had more than one bath in a week:   [ ] Yes  [ ] No
              Explain:____________________________________________________

                          MEDICAL INFORMATION
Do you have at least two (2) of the following: [ ] B.O. [ ] Crabs [ ] Lice
   [ ] Bad breath  [ ] Scabs  [ ] Fleas  [ ] Tatoos  [ ] Crossed Eyes
   [ ] Runny Nose  [ ] Green Teeth  [ ] Brown Teeth  [ ] Yellow Teeth
   [ ] Any teeth   Explain:____________________________________________

                         GENERAL INFORMATION
Can you count past ten with your shoes on:  [ ] Yes  [ ] No
Con you count past 21 with your fly up:  [ ] Yes  [ ] No
Favorite Weapon:  [ ] Tire Iron  [ ] Log Chain  [ ] Shotgun  [ ] Pick
Favorite Past Time:  [ ] Drinkin  [ ] Coon huntin  [ ] Fishin
                     [ ] Other:______________________________
Trucks equipped with:  [ ] Gun Rack  [ ] Fuzzbuster  [ ] 8-Track
   [ ] Rebel Flag  [ ] Roll Bar  [ ] CB Radio  [ ] Beer Cans
   [ ] Squirrel Tail

   Your signature (an X will do):_________________________________________
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 08:47:21 -0800
From:         "Dr. David Lustig" <David.Lustig@SYNTEX.COM>
Subject:      crude whorehouse joke

This old guy goes into a whorehouse and announces that he wants a woman with
syphilis.  He's told to go into the first room on the left and wait.  Shortly
later a woman joins him and he asks her if she has syphilis.  She tells him
emphatically that she does *not*.  He sends her away and tells her to find one
who does.

Another woman comes in, admits she doesn't have syphilis and is sent out for one

who does.  The third woman, finally, answers that she *does* have syphilis.
They have taken care of their business when the woman says to the old man, "I
have to admit, I don't really have syphilis."  "Well" he replies, "you do
now......."


david.lustig@syntex.com           "sometimes I give *myself* the creeps"
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 11:59:02 EST
From:         Julia Price <Julia_Price@WALLOP.SENATE.GOV>
Subject:      Off. to Democrats and Feminists

    Q:  Who is the biggest womanizer in the Senate now that Teddy
        Kennedy is safely married?

    A:  Barbara Mikulski

    Q:  Why have miniskirts been banned from the White House?

    A:  Because Hillary's balls hang down too low.

    Q:  Why don't women have brains?

    A:  Because they don't have penises to carry them around in.


  ____________________________________________________________
  The opinions expressed here are my own and do not represent
    those of Senator Wallop or any other Senate Official.

        Julia Price -- `La Belle Dame Sans Merci'
        ----------------------------------------
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 16:42:00 -0600
From:         LAURIE ROACH 715-232-1898 <ROACHL@A1.UWSTOUT.EDU>
Subject:      Cute, but a groaner

What's gold, fuzzy, and always worn out?

Winnie the Pooped.
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 12:09:30 EDT
From:         Timothy Abicht <ERIOND@AOL.COM>
Subject:      Witty Insults 6/12 >off to You!<

I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!

You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look terrible in the light.

I heard that you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork.

I would ask you how old you are but I know you cant count that high.

They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. Its for
people who are dead from the neck up.

After hearing you talk I now know that the dead do contact us.

Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I'll
arrange it with the undertaker.

When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral but I'll probably have to go to
work that day. I believ in business before pleasure.

You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one
lifetime.

Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all
the credit?

I hear you are very kind to animals so please give that face back to the
gorilla.

Hey I remember you when you had only one stomach.

You remind me of Moses. Every tiem you open your mouth, the bull rushes.

They say that travel broadens one. You must have been around the world.
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 10:14:31 -0600
From:         Ron Grosland <RONGR@WORDPERFECT.COM>
Subject:      O.J. Simpson Trial

Knock Knock
Who's There?
O.J.
O.J. Who?
Your on the jury!
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 15:14:44 LCL
From:         "Lidstrom, Beverly A." <bal@COLUMBUS.COM>
Subject:      No sex from wife joke

     A man came home from work one night and his wife had her suitcase on
     the bed and was throwing all her clothes into it.

     "What are you doing?", said the husband.

     The wife replied, "I am going to Las Vegas."

     "Why are you going to Las Vegas?", the husband asked.

     The wife said, "Because I heard you can get $400 per night for sex out
     there."

     Immediately the husband took out HIS suitcase and started packing.
     The wife asked him where he was going.

     He replied, "Las Vegas."

     "Why are YOU going to Las Vegas?", the wife inquired.

     "Because I want to see you live on $800 per year!!", replied the
     husband.
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 14:26:10 -0500
From:         JAMIE FIELDS <cejf@ODESSA.EDU>
Subject:      Clinton Bumpersticker (off.to Clinton fans, sugg.)

One of yesterday's contributions reminded me of a bumpersticker I had
seen the other day.

First Hillary
Then Gennifer
Now us!


jamie
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 15:43:00 EST
From:         "Wall, David K." <DKW0@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject:      FW: Divorce and Cheating  <probably non-offensive>

From a discussion about politicians cheating on their spouses:

> >"To screw around or not to screw around, that is the question"
>
>Whether 'tis better to suffer the swingers and airheads of outrageous
>fornication, or to take arms against a street of trollops, and by
oscillating,
>offend them.
>
>...or something like that.  :-)
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 16:04:41 LCL
From:         "Lidstrom, Beverly A." <bal@COLUMBUS.COM>
Subject:      No sex with wife joke

      A man came home from work one night and his wife had her suitcase on
      the bed and was throwing all her clothes into it.

      "What are you doing?", said the husband.

       The wife replied, "I am going to Las Vegas."

       "Why are you going to Las Vegas?", the husband asked.

     The wife said, "Because I heard you can get $400 per night for sex out
          there."

     Immediately the husband took out HIS suitcase and started packing.

     The wife asked him where he was going.

     He replied, "Las Vegas."

     "Why are YOU going to Las Vegas?", the wife inquired.

     "Because I want to see you live on $800 per year!!", replied the
      husband.
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 17:27:57 EDT
From:         Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject:      HUMOR: They shaved their heads

Administrivia: Those persons wishing to be contributor, please send the
command GET HUMOR GUIDE from my LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU   We seeks of
diversity of contributors,types of humor, subjects, etc.  We don't
censor, but we ask contributors to provide warning when there are
*likely* people who will be offended. I hope you are enjoying the HUMOR.



Subject: Sick Boy Getting Better
Date: Wed, 11 May 94 20:50:12 PDT

        SAN DIEGO (AP) -- Thirteen boys who shaved their heads to support
a classmate undergoing cancer treatment can grow their hair back:
They found out Wednesday their friend is getting better.
        ``I'm rid of the cancer!'' 11-year-old Ian O'Gorman told five of
his friends who were playing hide-and-seek outside his house.
        On the spot, the boys broke into a rap song they'd been
composing:
        ``We're the bald eagles, and we're here to say that we get to
grow our hair back today,'' they chanted.
        Doctors won't say Ian is cured, but test results that came back
Wednesday showed that his lymphoma is in remission. Ian had eight
weeks of chemotherapy after doctors removed a malignant tumor from
his small intestine.
        Ian wanted to get his head shaved before his hair fell out in
clumps. So the other boys from Lake Elementary School in Oceanside,
a San Diego suburb, shaved their heads so Ian wouldn't feel out of
place.
        They went to the barber shop together in mid-March.
        Their fifth-grade teacher, Jim Alter, also shaved his head. He
dubbed the boys his ``little bald eagles.''
        The doctors will continue to monitor Ian for another two years.
If there's no recurrence, doctors would pronounce him cured.
        ``We've all been screaming and yelling,'' said Ian's mother,
Heather. ``I told the boys, `You can grow all your hair back
now.'''
        They were thrilled.
        ``We were like jumping up and down for joy,'' said 11-year-old
Taylor Herber, who went under the barber's razor every two weeks to
keep up with Ian's chemotherapy.
        The boys have received hundreds of letters from people
nationwide. They've also received a free trip to Disneyland, a
party -- and baseball hats.

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
=====================
To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR
To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUB HUMOR Call-
name FamilyName. A command goes in the 1st line of the message field.
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 17:54:11 EST
From:         Angel Dey <DEY@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      5 more limericks <adult material>

There once was a young man of Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent.
     To save himself trouble
     He put it in double -
And instead of coming - he went!


There was an old man of Madrid
Who went to an auction to bid.
     In the first lot they sold
     Was an ancient commode -
And, my god, when they lifted the lid!


There was a young lady from Spain
Whose face was exceedingly plain,
     But her cunt had a pucker
     That made the men fuck her
Again, and again, and again.


There was a young man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
     Said he, "I'll admit
     She does smell a bit,
But look at the money I save!"


There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
Who insists on a dozen a night.
     A fellow named Cheddar
     Had the brashness to wed her,
And his chance of survival is slight.
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 23:43:46 -0500
From:         Adam Clift <clift002@MAROON.TC.UMN.EDU>
Subject:      Bus Humor (clean)

        A lady is sitting on a bus holding her baby in her arms when a
drunk staggers over and says, "Lady, that's the ugliest baby I've
ever seen."
        The woman lost it and started to cry.  Her crying turned into sobbing;
so, the driver pulled the bus over, kicked the drunk off the bus, and
approached the woman.  "Lady, what's the matter?"
        She is sobbing so hard that she can't even speak.  She just keeps
crying.
        "Look, I don't know what he said to you," says the driver, "but
to help calm you down I'm going to go get you a cup of tea."  He
gets off the bus, goes into a coffee shop, and comes back with the tea.
        "Calm down," says the driver.  "Everything will be okay.  See?  I
brought you a cup of tea and I even brought a banana for your pet
monkey."
=========================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 3 Aug 1994 21:39:20 -0700
From:         Bob Lennard <blennard@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject:      David Letterman's Top Ten List for 08/03/94

-----> Wednesday, August 3, 1994 <-----

========
Opening:
========

  From New York, a city with a chewy nougat filling, it's the Late
Show with David Letterman.  Tonight - Cybil Shepard, comedian Elayne
Boosler, and singer Dave Edmunds.  Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS
Orchestra.  And now, America's favorite crime fighting hero, David
Letterman.

======================
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Rolling Stones Concert
======================

  [The Stones kicked off their "Voodoo Lounge tour in D.C.]

10.  "I love it when they smash their walkers at the end of a song"

 9.  "The Medic Alert beepers are drowning out the music"

 8.  "Look!  The new guy on bass!  It's Matlock!"

 7.  "He means, time was on their side"

 6.  "Start me up!  I'm serious!  This isn't part of the song!"

 5.  "It looks like a comet smashed into Keith Richards"

 4.  "Cool!  Jagger's teeth just landed in my lap!"

 3.  "What's Letterman doing up there with a fiddle?"  [followed by
     famous clip of guy who looks like Dave playing a fiddle and
     singing "Camptown Ladies."]

 2.  "Michael Jackson married?  Please...!"

 1.  "I can't get no Met-a-muc-il"

=========================

------------------------------