From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Sep 1994 There are 17 messages totalling 834 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Kids on Chocolate 2. Life 5.R A collection of clean humor gathered on: 8 Jan 90 3. Baseball Players and Teachers 4. West Virginian Zoo 5. WWII MILITARY HUMOR (fin) 6. Pilot jokes - pg 7. Programming Languages 1/2 8. Myths 7of7 9. Why God Never Recieved Tenure From Any University 10. Clinton swimming 11. What will be Castro's next career? 12. Observation on complaints 13. The only way to go... 14. Cats and Gasoline 15. If they were alive today...(3 of 4) 16. Adult humor 17. The LAST of the Light Bulb Jokes (25/25) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 11:39:41 EST From: BETH WOODELL Subject: Kids on Chocolate This originally appeared in Vol.1, #4 issue of Chocolatier magazine (fall 1984). By Missouri schoolteacher Matt Harper.... During the 29 years I've been a school teacher, I've found that they can come up with some unique ideas. Each year we study a unit on chocolate and my stu- dents' comments on essays and exam questions have been hilarious.... "Chocolate gets blamed for many things people can't stop eating." "Correct my being wrung [sic] but tell me true or false. Has anyone else ever eaten chocolate in a cantalope [sic] or am I the original inventor?" Evidently impressed with the ever-changing state of the world, one boy repor- ted: "Hershey Pencilvania [sic] is located in the United States at the present time." He happens to be the same student who remarked:"The history of chocolate was first the Aztecs, then Columbus, then on to now." History may repeat itself, but grade school children often add some unexpected twists to it. Here are some unusual historical facts: "Columbus took some chocolate beans to Europe in 1502. Then he did something he'd never done before. He died." "James Baker started making drinking chocolate in the pre-me times." "James Baker is a famous man who lives in chocolate history." One girl...confided: "People have enjoyed eating chocolate forever and maybe even longer...." [Kids are] not like adults who can reach into their lifetime stockpile of expressions... Take these complimentary remarks, for instance: "I have loved chocolate for as long as I can think to remember." "Chocolate gives me joy feels all over." "Everything would not be worth anything without chocolate." "When I learned Mom was going to make chocolate chip cookies, I told my feet to quiet down, but they felt too Saturday to listen." One tyke was going great until the last word: "Chocolate drinks feel good if your throat has orangitis." Another student had many tussles with his spelling book. Recently, when he finished writing a sentence, the battleground looked like this: "I like to drink hot chockel {crossed out} choka {crossed out} chalka {crossed out} coco." The elementary school child's mind is evidently a vast storehouse of miscellaneous information--half true, half false and wholly beguiling. This seems to be especially true when they relate their personal experiences: "My brother teased me that I was interested to read about trees and beans and other things that cause chocolate to happen." "Hot chocolate has such velvety fingers." A girl named Linda wrote, with the aid of a bright purple Crayola: "I have decided chocolate is my ninth favortie thing in the universe." Next, some definitions of chocolate. If any of them cause Webster to turn over in his grave, he would have to do so with a smile: "Chocolate is brown, creamy YUMS!" "Chocolate is a many-purposed word for many dessert types." There is usually at least an element of truth in the most absurd answer. Sometimes they aren't wrong; it's just the way they express their thoughts that makes their teacher smile: "You should always capitalize the word chocolate unless it is not the first word in a a sentence." "When hot chocolate is poured out it makes the quietest noise I have ever hea rd." "Chocolate is really cocoa. But me and a lot of other people still catch ourselves calling it chocolate." Once I mentioned that today at least 2/3 of the world's cocoa supply comes from the African cocoa belt. Some comments on the subject: "The cocoa belt could just as well be called something else if we could only think of a better name for it." "BOO. I did not mean to scare you so bad but that is how I feel every time I think of the people who have to go out in the wild jungle to get chocolate." "I looked up twice where they grow cacao trees, but I forgot it three times." If the realization that they don't know everything is the first step to learning, these students are well on the road to knowledge: "They make chocolate with milk in Switzerland. Maybe they make choc- olate without milk, too. I do not know. It takes all my knowing to know they make chocolate with milk in Switzerland." "How they can take cacao pods and make doormats out of them is some- thing only encyclopedias know for sure." "Quite a bit of the world's supply of chocolate goes into making cacao trees." "Cacao trees are interesting if you happen to be interested in them." "It takes eight years to grow chocolate on those big tall trees. But it takes only a little nick of time to eat it." Just how tall do cacao trees grow?...."Cacao trees can grow 40 feet high. That's g-r-r-e-e-a-a-t BIG! Even over ten times bigger than that." "Cacao trees are larger than the largest known whale." "When I learned how big chocolate trees grow, I would have fainted if I knew how." Oliver Wendell Holmes once observed: "Pretty much all the truth tell- ing in the world is done by children." These next thoughts proved to be unexpected, unconventional, and undeniably sincere: "Chocolate has an evergreen mother and a cocoa father." "People who eat chocolate are very interested folks. All their ways are happy ways and excited ways." "Oughtn't Congress to pass a law giving poor people free chocolate? Are they thinking about it? If not I make a motion." "Misfortunately, choklet [sic] does not agree with itself spelling- ly and pronouncingly." No one likes to look into the future more eagerly than children do. Two tiny forecasters had these predictions: "Chocolate will still be the most popular taste of all 100 years from now. Just wait and see." "Will we ever get to the point where people eat even more chocolate? The chances are 999 out of a hundred." A couple of years ago, one moppet...had a whimsical way of expressing her thoughts. Here's how she summed up her feelings: "From now on, I will put both gladness and wonder in my same thought about chocolate." Me too. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 09:13:11 PDT From: cate3.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 5.R A collection of clean humor gathered on: 8 Jan 90 ---------------------------------------------------- There's a story about Diogenes who was suppose to be looking for an honest man, who after being in the company of lawyers was asked how it was going. He replied "I've still got my lantern." More information on Diogenes: Diogenes may well have been looking for an honest man in his wanderings, but the reason he was wandering in the first place is that he had been ostracized for counterfeiting. One thing that is fun to do is to find two pay phones (or just two different phone lines) and call a friend on one of them. When he answers start dialing his number on the other one. With call waiting he will think (and rightly so) that he is get another call but when he switches lines it will still be you talking to him. If you do this right you can keep calling him on the other line driving him crazy. I did this to someone once and it took quite a long time before he figured out what was going on. "We had a doofus on our floor who was a real `sky pilot' (Jesus junkie). He was always trying to convert everybody, lecturing about sin, etc. Being a fundamentalist, he not only believed in The Rapture (where God will come and zap all the good Christians straight to Heaven and leave the riffraff), but believed that its time was near. "Early one morning we placed carefully-arranged piles of clothes on the hall floor as if their wearers had suddenly evaporated. We used dry ice and incense to make a Stephen Spielberg fog in the hall, then we blew a very loud Freon horn outside his door, threw some nonelectric flashcubes against the wall, and screamed a lot. When he came out, everybody acted stunned and yelled "What's going on? There was a big light and a noise and those guys just disappeared!! "For several minutes, we had him believing he had been left behind with us sinners!" I had a biology instructor that got fed-up with people stealing his sandwiches. Oneday, he replaced the ham in his sandwich with a preserved frog. It was the LAST of his sandwich's to be stolen. In Cupertino, California, it is illegal to count backwards audibly in hexadecima l. A guy down the hall has a wooden stake in his window with a sign that reads "BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF VAMPIRE." After Apartheid -- The Solution for S Africa by Frances Kendall and Leon Louw. Country Number of Federal Budget/GNP Per Cap registered Income lobbyists. US 26,000 .22 $16,449 Switzerland 0 .10 $26,309 ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 10:48:04 -0600 From: Lloyd Johnston Subject: Baseball Players and Teachers Heard on Leno. I'm sure teachers and prospective teachers would like it. 8-) "And here in L.A., there's talk of a teachers' strike. You know, if they ever strike, here's what they should do: The striking teachers and the striking baseball players should switch jobs. You see, this way, the teachers would get paid what they deserve, and the players would get paid what they deserve." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lloyd Johnston ljohnsto@gpu.srv.ualberta.ca Second Year Education, "Absolutely, without a doubt, the best in B.Ed." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 13:17:43 -0400 From: Warren Ferguson Subject: West Virginian Zoo What's the difference between a regular zoo and a West Virginia zoo? The signs at the regular zoo give every species' common name and scientific name; signs at the West Virginian zoo give the common name, the scientific name, and the recipe. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 14:26:09 -0400 From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE Subject: WWII MILITARY HUMOR (fin) THE TEN MOST FAMILIAR MILITARY JOKES IN AMERICA (Conclusion) Collected by Bennet A. Cerf (first printed December, 1942) This is your Stale Wit Parade. By Actual count, these are the ten most tired and overworked military gags in the land --told in a variety of forms most often and for the longest period of time. #8 A weary recruit was having his first day of Cavalry drill. His brain was reeling, his hands were trembling, and another section of his anatomy felt like a piece of raw beefsteak. The company was charging across the field in a full gallop when the captain suddenly cried, "Halt." The well-trained horses halted in their tracks, but the recruit, caught by suprise, went sailing over his horse's head and landed a dozen feet beyond in a magnificent cactus bush. The Commanding Officer came galloping over to him, "Who the hell told you to dismount?" he cried. #9 "Sir, I'll have you know I'm a West Pointer!" "Hmph! You look more like an Irish setter to me." #10 "This war will be over in two months," said Mr. Smith confidently to his neighbor, as they rode downtown on the subway together one morning. "How do you figure that?" asked his neighbor. "Well, sir," said Mr. Smith, "my Johnny enlisted in the Navy yesterday and he has never held a job for over two months in his life." ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 00:13:25 LCL From: Don Leining Subject: Pilot jokes - pg As the captain leveled the 757 off at thirty five thousand feet and engaged the auto pilot he commented to the co-pilot "what I wouldn't do for a a piece of ass and a cup of coffee right now." Unfortunately he had failed to switch back from the pubic address system to the intercom after his level off announcement and to the astonishment of the crew members in the passenger sections they, and all the passengers, had heard his announcement. A senior flight stewardess immediately made her way to the cockpit (why do they call it that, I wonder?) to advice the captain of his error before he committed another faux pas when a little old lady in 16c tapped her as she went by and said "honey, you forgot the coffee." The crusty old World WAr II Polish pilot was exponding to a group at a party about one of his many air battles. "Ya, dis fokker came out of the sun pulled up and and did a split S to get on my tail. I no dummy, I push the nose over and head for the deck. I look over my shoulder and this fokker is still right with me." At this point the host interrupted and said "for everyones information, a Fokker was a German fighter aircraft." At which the savvy old pilot said "ya, but this fokker was a messerschmitt." And finally: There are old pilots and there are bold pilots but there are no old bold pilots. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 20:48:30 GMT+2 From: "Geoffolosophy Says:" Subject: Programming Languages 1/2 PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES ARE LIKE WOMEN by: Daniel J. Salomon Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloo Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1 There are so many programming languages available that it can be very difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one for you. On the other hand most men know what kind of woman appeals to them. So here is a handy guide for many of the popular programming languages that describes what kind of women they would be if programming languages were women. Assembler - A female track star who holds all the world speed records. She is hard and bumpy, and so is not that pleasant to embrace. She can cook up any meal, but needs a complete and detailed recipe. She is not beautiful or educated, and speaks in monosyllables like "MOV, JUMP, INC". She has a fierce and violent temper that make her the choice of last resort. FORTRAN - Your grey-haired grandmother. People make fun of her just because she is old, but if you take the time to listen, you can learn from her experiences and her mistakes. During her lifetime she has acquired many useful skills in sewing and cooking (subroutine libraries) That no younger women can match, so be thankful she is still around. She has a notoriously bad temper and when angered will start yelling and throwing dishes. It was mostly her bad temper that made grandad search for another wife. COBOL - A plump secretary. She talks far too much, and most of what she says can be ignored. She works hard and long hours, but can't handle really complicated jobs. She has a short and unpredictable temper, so no one really likes working with her. She can cook meals for a huge family, but only knows bland recipes. BASIC - The horny divorcee that lives next door. Her specialty is seducing young boys and it seems she is always readily available for them. She teaches them many amazing things, or at least they seem amazing because it is their) first experience. She is not that young herself, but because she was their first lover the boys always remember her fondly. Her cooking and sewing skills are mediocre, but largely irrelevant, it's the frolicking that the boys like. The opinion that adults have of Mrs. BASIC is varied. Shockingly, some fathers actually introduce their own sons to this immoral woman! But generally the more righteous adults try to correct the badly influenced young men by introducing them to well behaved women like Miss Pascal. PL/I - A bordello madam. She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs and red high heels. At one time she seemed very attractive, but now she just seems overweight and tacky. Tastes change. C - A lady executive. An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too talkative. Is a good cook if you like spicy food. Unless you double check everything you say (through LINT) you can unleash her fierce temper. Her daughter C++ is still quite young and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will grow up into a fine young woman of milder temper and more sophisticated character. ALGOL 60 - Your father's wartime sweetheart, petite, well proportioned, and sweet tempered. She disappeared mysteriously during the war, but your dad still talks about her shapely form and their steamy romance. He never actually tasted much of her cooking. Pascal - A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60's younger sister. Like her sister she is petite and attractive, but very bossy. She is a good cook but only if the recipe requires no more than one pot (module). Modula II - A high-school teacher and Pascal's daughter. Very much like her mother, but she has learned to cook with more than one pot. ALGOL 68 - Algol 60's niece. A high-society woman, well educated and terse. Few men can fully understand her when she talks, and her former lovers still discuss her mysterious personality. She is very choosy about her romances and won't take just any man as her lover. She hasn't been seen lately, and rumor has it that she died in a fall from an ivory tower. LISP - She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with her hippie cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH. Many men (mostly college students) who have visited the farmhouse,-- enthusiastically praise the natural food, and perpetual love-ins that take place there. Others criticize the long cooking times, and the abnormal sexual postures (prefix and postfix). Although these women seldom have full-time jobs, when they do work, their employers praise them for their imagination, but usually not for their efficiency. APL - A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food. She can cook delicious meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of people at each table. She doesn't talk much, as that would just slow her work down. Few people can understand her recipes, since they are in a foreign language, and are all recorded in mirror writing. LOGO - A grade-school art teacher. She is just the kind of teacher that you wish you had when you were young. She is shapely and patient, but not an interesting conversationalist. She can cook up delicious kiddie snacks, but not full-course meals. LUCID & PROLOG - These clever teenagers show a new kind of cooking skill. They can cook-up fine meals without the use of recipes, working solely from a description of the desired meal (declarative cooking). Many men are fascinated by this and have already proposed marriage. Others complain that the girls work very slowly, and that often the description of the meal must be just as long as a recipe would be. It is hard to predict what these girls will be like when they are fully mature. Ada - A WAC colonel built like an amazon. She is always setting strict rules, but if you follow them, she keeps her temper. She is quite talkative, always spouting army regulations, and using obscure military talk. You gotta love her though, because the army says so. -- Never get involved with something that you can't blame on someone else. There is no such thing as too much sucking up. MS-DOS is a glorified device driver. - Whoknows@whocares ************************* * Geoff@wwg3.uovs.ac.za * ************************* ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 14:07:08 CDT From: Charles Hightower Subject: Myths 7of7 Computer Myths Explained (Part 7 of 7) --- written by Charles Hightower "When your hard drive becomes full, you may need to ask for assistance in removing files you no longer need." Ha. Don't waste the expense of a long distance phone call. Why, most word processors allow you to delete files with the click of a mouse. Remove those in the current directory that you no longer need. Well, as long as you're in a removing kind of mood anyway, let's move back a directory or two and see if there's anything there we don't need anymore. Would you just look at all those files! You don't remember creating these documents! Obviously they were left there, wasting your hard disk space by the inept person who installed your computer. Go ahead and delete the whole group of them. Anyway, who in his right mind would have created documents with stupid names like command.com or config.sys? "When the computer displays the message 'Press any key to continue', you should press a key and go on with your job." - Forget this. You should call the service bureau and relate that you've looked for fifteen minutes, and that you can't find the Any key anywhere on the keyboard. "When the technician takes remote control of your computer through your modem, you should pay attention and follow any directions you may receive on the screen." - Any messages the tech may send are only for your amusement. He does not actually expect you to follow these directions. For example, the tech repeatedly displays the message "PICK UP THE PHONE AND TALK WITH ME". Ignore the message. When the tech calls on another line, you should relate that you did see the message, but could not fathom its meaning. Further you should say one girl in your office thought it meant to pick up the phone, but you had no idea when you should do so. "When the technician takes remote control of your computer through your modem, you should follow any verbal directions the technician may have given you prior to the connection." Don't waste your time. For example, the technician gives the instruction, "Pick up the phone if the communications light is unlit for more than 30 seconds because that would mean the communications link was unsuccessful." Thirty seconds? To be sure, let's wait four hours, then hang up the line to call and complain to the technician that he's taking too long. After discovering he was never able to connect with your computer, you should become angry that he did not ask the phone company to short-circuit your single-line phone so he could call and tell you he was having trouble. Further you should reveal that you did notice the communications light was unlit from the start, but that you were waiting for the technician to send a message to the screen by way of the non-functional communications link. "If you discover a problem in a particular application, you should notify the service bureau, and ask to speak to someone in that division." - It's no fun that way. You should ask for someone in a different division. Let's say for example that you discover a problem in the Accounts Payable package. You should call the support company and ask to speak with someone in, say, General Ledger. You should go to great lengths to describe your problem in vague terms. This will keep the technician on the line for some time before he realizes you've asked for the wrong department. "When the technician asks questions, answer all questions to the best of your knowledge." - You should answer all questions in the affirmative. Then follow-up with a question that makes the tech doubt your original answer. For example, the technician asks, "Have you made a backup recently?" Your answer (of course) is "Yes". Your follow-up question then might be, "What's a backup?" "Don't be evasive - give the technician the plain truth." - Be evasive. If asked a yes/no question, reply with a long story that is tangent to the question but never actually results in an answer. For example, the technician asks, "Did you change the system date?" Your answer might start with, "We don't normally change the system date. It's not something we do on a regular basis, you know ..." "Assist the remote technician by observing happenings at your workstation." Instead, appease him by saying you will observe, then don't bother. For example, you might say, "I just got an error on the screen in Statements with Update." The tech asks, "Okay, what printed on the printer?" Your answer is, "Nothing." Only after the tech repeatedly asks you to actually lean over and look at the printout should you bother to give him that information. "Apply good judgement for simple problems." - Call the service center for all rhetorical questions. For example, you might ask, "I am holding two disks. Both have exactly the same information contained on them. One always produces disk drive error messages; the other does not. Which should I use?" Charles ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 14:50:53 -0500 From: Nisheeth Parekh Subject: Why God Never Recieved Tenure From Any University This was sent to me from a friend who got it from a friend, who got it from a friend, etc. WHY GOD NEVER RECEIVED TENURE AT ANY UNIVERSITY 1. He had only one major publication. 2. It had no references. 3. It wasn't published in a refereed journal. 4. Some even doubt he wrote it himself. 5. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then? 6. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 7. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results. 8. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects. 9. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects. 10. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample. 11. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book. 12. Some say he had his son teach the class. 13. He expelled his first two students for learning. 14. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests. 15. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop. _____________________________________________________________________________ Nisheeth Parekh University of Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston nparekh@beach.utmb.edu ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 23:49:18 EDT From: TG436@AOL.COM Subject: Clinton swimming President Clinton was swimming off the beach at Martha's Vineyard one day when he got caught in an undertow and was pulled underwater out of reach of his bodyguards. Three boys diving in the area saw him and pulled him out of the water to safety. "Thank you all so much for saving me," the president said. "What can I ever do to repay you for saving my life?" The first boy said, "I would like to go to West Point." "I will see that you do," Clinton replied. The second boy said, "I would like to go to Annapolis." "I will get on it right away," the president promised. Then turning to the third boy, he asked, "And how can I repay you?" "I would like to be buried in Arlington Cemetery," the boy replied. "Arlington Cemetery! Why do you want that?" "Well, when my father finds out I saved your life, he's gonna kill me." ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 01:27:44 EST From: Sim Webster Subject: What will be Castro's next career? Here are 20 things Fidel Castro could do after he retires from being dictator of Cuba: 1. Zookeeper for elephants at the Miami Zoo 2. Commissioner of Baseball 3. Tour guide at the Kennedy Library 4. CIA Agent 5. Press Agent for Mikhail Gorbachev 6. Director of Immigration for Argentina 7. Robert Dole's campaign manager 8. Steward for Pan American Airlines 9. Food taster for Prime Minister Rao of India 10. Assistant Professor of Economics at the University of West Florida 11. Chairman of the Board, General Motors 12. Director of Training and Development for the Medellin drug cartel 13. First U.S. Senator from the State of Cuba 14. Spokesman and Senior Model for the Cigar Promotion Board 15. Owner of a Army-Navy Surplus Store franchise 16. Pimp in Caracas 17. Employment counselor for Association of Retired Red Army Soldiers 18. Breakfast waiter at New Orleans Brennan's Restaurant 19. Abortionists at Pensacola, Florida, Women's Clinic 20. Journalist for Mad Magazine ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 07:36:44 -0500 From: Ian Chai Subject: Observation on complaints [Note: I posted this on our local usenet newsgroup and did *not* email it.] Date: 1 Sep 94 16:51:08 GMT Newsgroups: uiuc.cs.csil.ta,uiuc.cs.general Subject: /usr/spool/mail overflow (funny observation) There has been a lot of complaints lately about people not cleaning up their mailboxes on the ta machines being sent to tas@cs.uiuc.edu. You know what's funny? That the complaints were sent out on email... 8-) Ian Chai CS 110C TA (whose mailbox *isn't* one of the culprits...) ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 00:03:58 EDT From: TG436@AOL.COM Subject: The only way to go... Three old guys were sitting around the nursing home talking about the ideal way of leaving this world. The first old man, age 80 said he'd like to go quickly, perhaps by crashing in a speeding car. The second, age 90, agreed on a speedy end too, but said he would prefer dying in a plane crash. "Well, that's okay for you, but I've got a better idea," said the third old man, age 100. "I'd like to be shot by a jealous husband." ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 11:57:26 GMT+1200 From: "Marvin Bruce M. Galero" Subject: Cats and Gasoline Kyle was talking to John about his cat. Kyle : Yesterday, I got so irritated with my cat, Lester, that I grabbed him, opened his mouth, and forced gasoline into him. He jumped out of my arms and began to run around in circles with his fur all standing. He was making a lot of noise for a while. Then suddenly, he stopped and lay on his back with all four legs sticking out. John : (shocked) He died? Kyle : No, he ran out of gas. --Marvin Bruce M. Galero A.K.A. Duncan "Griffin" Griffith MARVIN@CEAC3B.USC.EDU.PH ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 04:20:36 -0700 From: Gary Watson Subject: If they were alive today...(3 of 4) The San Jose Mercury-News requested readers to submit their ideas of what certain deceased celebrities might be doing on TV if they were alive today. Here are some of the responses. If James Dean were alive today, he'd be: A. playing the sexy, mysterious, misunderstood senior citizen who rides in on his Harley and sweeps Edna Garrett off her feet in "Facts of Life: The Next Generation". B. modeling Guess? jeans. C. wondering if he should have disappeared at the height of his popularity rather than fade away after 30 years of forgettable roles. If Mary Pickford were alive today, she'd be: A. appearing on "The Oprah Winfrey Show" for a segment on "Women Over 40 Who Still Look 10". B. trying to interest Roman Polanski in directing her in the USA network's "Pollyanna II: The Evil Commences". C. selling calico dresses and gingham jumpers on the Home Shopping Network. If Will Rogers were alive today, he'd be: A. competing with Tom Snyder for the post-"Letterman" time slot. B. trying to talk Keith Carradine of Broadway's "Will Rogers Follies" into teaching him a few rope tricks. C. telling Wiley Post to take off without him so he could catch a ride with that cute Amelia Earhart. -Gary Watson, Los Gatos, California ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 06:49:00 PDT From: Cox Terry 5741 Subject: Adult humor On the wedding night of the newly wedded royal couple, they wanted to make sure everything was done according to proper etiquette. So she begins and says "Sir, I offer you my honor." He replies, "I honor your offer." And that's how it goes all night. Honor - offer. Honor - offer. Honor - offer. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 09:23:28 -0500 From: Tom Dixon Subject: The LAST of the Light Bulb Jokes (25/25) Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 50. One to screw in the lightbulb and the remaining 49 to guard him . Q: How many Ukrainians/survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? A1: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. A2: None, you just hold it up and it glows by itself. Q: How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They just paint them black and go on using them. Q: How many union workers does it tale to change a lightblulb? A1: Four. A laborer to carry the lumber, a carpenter to build the platform, a millwright to remove the cover and an electrician to change the bulb! A2: Are you kidding? A3: 50--It's in the contract. Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Seventeen - One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink gin n tonics with the yuppies. Q: How many university students does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something silly, and one to phone the landlord to ask for the lightbulb to be changed. Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway. Q: How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Read the man page! Q: How many USENET users does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Fifty - One to do it and 49 to talk about it on net.bulbs.d. Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure. Q: How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they *like* it in the dark. Q: How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: We do not discuss this with ladies and children present. Q: How many VMM members does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Eleven. One to remove the old one and ten to stand around discussing what they all want to do next. Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000" Q: How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye. Q: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb? A: It depends on what you want them to change it into. Q: How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? A: (It's a very simple task, so...) None. "It's a man's job." Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? A: 3. Why 3? IT JUST DOES, OK?!!! Q: How many yuppies does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to mix the gin n tonics, and one to phone the electrician. Q: How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? A1: Zen Masters don't need light bulbs because they carry their own light with them. A2: Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice. A3: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way. A4: A tree in a golden forest. A5: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. A6: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb. A7: None. Zen masters carry their own inner light. 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