From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Sep 1994 There are 7 messages totalling 237 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Doctor, Doctor -- Say what? 2. In the News - Political, off to Boy George, Clinton, hackers, killers 3. The word "fuck" 4. West Virginian Alphabet 5. Unicorns/Virginity 6. FW: Movie Classics 7. Slightly Religious ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 3 Sep 1994 10:10:07 GMT+1200 From: "Marvin Bruce M. Galero" Subject: Doctor, Doctor -- Say what? Small children usually have a limited vocabulary. It's funny how they can communicate with each other clearly, while adults would just open their mouths in confusion. Example: "Okay, you can ask me one more question, son," said the exasperated father, "but make sure it's the last one." "Well," said his son, "when a doctor gets sick and another doctor doctors him, does the doctor doing the doctoring have to doctor the doctor the way the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored, or does the doctor doing the doctoring of the doctor being doctored doctor his own way?" I bet you will read that more than once and really slowly to get the child's question straight. --Marvin Bruce M. Galero A.K.A. Duncan "Griffin" Griffith MARVIN@CEAC3B.USC.EDU.PH ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Sep 1994 02:55:30 GMT From: Ed Lambert Subject: In the News - Political, off to Boy George, Clinton, hackers, killers In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times After a round of golf with Microsoft founder Bill Gates, actor-director Paul Michael Glaser and Producer George Stevens, followed by dinner with Katherine Graham of the Washington Post, President Bill Clinton told reporters that there's nothing like a vacation to get back in touch with the common folk. During President Clinton's vacation at Martha's Vineyard, the Secret Service put signs up all over the place that read, "Please DO NOT feed the President". An experimental car was driven from New York to San Francisco powered only by french fry oil. The only drawback was that engineers had to stop every thousand miles to change the ketchup. A Georgia school teacher was disciplined because he denied students a moment of silence. He obviously doesn't realize that kids today need time to think..."Did I remember to bring ammo...to pick up my free condoms...to drop off the baby at day care...?" A British court threw out a paternity suit against Boy George. The magistrate found the case a little odd...not to mention the defendant. Fugitive hacker Justin Tanner Peterson was arrested Monday by the FBI in LA on charges that included hijacking radio station phone lines to win contests. If convicted, he faces up to 40 years in prison. When he gets out, however, he'll have 19 Ford Festivas and more than a dozen all expenses paid trips to Hawaii waiting for him. What's this about Woody from Cheers going on a killing spree in Natural Born Killers? I always figured Cliff would be the one to snap. Bye from LA LA land.... ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Sep 1994 19:26:00 JST From: Paul Randolph Subject: The word "fuck" Perhaps one of the most interesting words in the English language is the word "fuck". It is one magical word. Just by its sound, you can describe pain, displeasure, love and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb both intransitive (Dave fucked Ann) and transitive (Ann was fucked by Dave). As an adverb (Ann is a good fuck), and as an adjective (Ann is fucking beautiful). You can see there are not many words with the versatility of "fuck". Beside the sexual meaning of the word, there are also the following: Goodbye -------- Fuck off. Greetings ------ How the fuck are you? Fraud ---------- I got fucked at the car auction. Dismay --------- Oh, fuck it. Trouble -------- Well, I guess I'm fucked now. Aggression ----- Fuck you. Difficulty ----- I don't understand the fucking job. Displeasure ---- What the fuck is going on here? Incompetence --- He fucks up everything. Lost ----------- Where the fuck are we? Retaliation ---- Up your fucking ass. And remember General Custer's famous last words: Where did all those fucking indians come from? And also the last words of the mayor of Hiroshima: What the fuck was that? And last, but not lest, those immortal words of the captain of the Titanic: Where is all this fucking water coming from? Paul Randolph Okayama, Japan ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Sep 1994 08:37:01 -0400 From: Warren Ferguson Subject: West Virginian Alphabet How do you keep a West Virginian busy? Give him a bag of M & M's and tell him to put them in alphabetical order. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Sep 1994 17:12:41 EDT From: Adina Sobo Subject: Unicorns/Virginity "Virgin Wool Over Their Eyes" By Jack Smith From the "Los Angeles Times", Orange County Edition, Feb. 26, 1979 Presumably because of my previous work on the unicorn, I have been asked by a reader, Corinne Patrick of Northridge, to "clarify" a news story that appeared recently in the Newsmakers box in page 2 of The Times. Written my Jennings Parrott with his usual deft brevity, the story read, in its entirety, as follows: "Classed were canceled at Wells College, a small school for women in New York's Finger Lakes region, but it wasn't because of Washington's Birthday. Cayuga Lake was frozen, and President Sissy Farenthold had to declare Ice Day. "It's a 100-year-old tradition that when the lake is frozen the president cancels classes," a school official said. "Legend has it that when the lake freezes it means that all of the freshman women are virgins. No one will guarantee that the legend holds true," she admitted, and because unicorns are incredibly difficult to find, the freshmen could not be put to the test. "But at least," the official said with assurance, "I can tell you the lake is frozen."" Unfortunately, reader Patrick doesn't say what it is she doesn't understand in the story, which seems to me to be quite clear. I can only guess that she is not familiar with one of the unique idiosyncrasies of unicorns, and therefore is baffled by the statement that "because unicorns are incredibly difficult to find, the freshmen could not be put to the test." Certainly we can clear that up. Because he is such an elusive beast there is a dearth of uniform knowledge about the unicorn; but scholars are generally agreed to one point at least -- the unicorns' peculiar weakness for virgin women.* If the legend is true that the lake freezes over when all the freshmen are virgins, then it seems inescapable that unicorns would be found in the neighborhood. Since the lake did freeze, but no unicorns appeared, we must draw one of two conclusions: Either the legend is not true, and the freshmen are not virgins, or it is a bad year for unicorns in the vicinity of New York's Finger Lakes. Unicorns come and go like other creatures, I suppose, depending on the supply of tender shoots and virgins; right here on Mt. Washington we will have an abundance of coyotes one hear and not a sight or sound of them the next. I doubt there are no unicorns at all in rural New York State. Note that Peter S. Beagle dedicates "The Last Unicorn" as follows: "To the memory of Dr. Olfert Dapper, who saw a wild unicorn in the Maine woods in 1673, and for Robert Nathan, who has seen one or two in Los Angeles." So the unicorn has been present in America for at least 300 years. But of course he has always been an endangered species, just as the virgin has. Perhaps it is this common vulnerability that draws them together. Whether the legend of Cayuga Lake is true, we can not say on present evidence. It is a pretty legend, but not unique. I have heard it said that all the freshman women at UCLA will be virgins, too, when hell freezes over. I hope I am here to see it, but by that time, I suppose, I'll be there. * Five paragraphs on the Unicorn myth as reported by Willy Ley in "Exotic Zoology" are here deleted in the interests of brevity -- if you're interested, please e-mail me directly (AdinaS@aol.com) and I'll send you the full text. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Sep 1994 15:31:00 PDT From: "Larson, Mark" Subject: FW: Movie Classics Seen on a computer list... +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Ladies and Gentlemen, call your agents... Story of Germany's little-known WWII submarine computer support staff: DOS Boot An animated Disney feature about Mickey's wild bachelor years: Mouse Pad A coming of age film about high school athletes looking for dates: Trac Ball "How to Lie With Statistics" goes multimedia: SAS, Lies, and Videotape Russian twin medics: Paradox Zhivago -Mark ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Sep 1994 21:39:15 -0700 From: Tom Welbers Subject: Slightly Religious A young business owner was opening a new branch office, and a friend decided to send a floral arrangement for the grand opening. When the friend arrived at the opening, he was appalled to find that his wreath bore the inscription: "Rest in peace." Angry, he complained to the florist. After apologizing, the florist said, "Look at it this way--somewhere somewone was buried today under a wreath that said, 'Good luck in your new location.'" tom ========================================================================= ------------------------------