There are 19 messages totalling 655 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Lincoln humor + weekly traffic report 2. cigarette - a description 3. humorous ads #4 4. (3) 5. Does God exist? (vulgar, offensive to religious) 6. Humor: Talking in an open-plan office... 7. Old ladies joke, Old man's advice, & cat's philosophy :-) 8. OJ (sorry if you've heard it) 9. BLONDE AND OTHER OFF. WOMYN JOKES 10. A few clean jokes. 11. Clean Blonde Jokes 12. To continue, press CTRL+ALT+DEL (squeaky-clean) 13. A true optimist - offensive to Denverites! 14. The tale of a certain Somebody... 15. In the News-Political, off to OJ, Ted Kennedy, Bobbitt, Etc, Etc, Etc 16. Early Am almanac humor: Lawyers & liars 17. Wherefore, it's confusing... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 00:12:35 EDT From: Bill Subject: Lincoln humor + weekly traffic report Dear HUMOR members: This is a traffic report for the HUMOR list. Contributors receive a report each week, so they can gauge the amount of traffic. Once a month I send this report to the readers. Contributors agree to support the list goal of a maximum daily average of 20.0 posts. For the last four months HUMOR has averaged 16.4 posts per day. Contri- butors give a clear subject label and a sensitivity warning when there is possible offense. To become a contributor you should first request the *Contributor's Guide* by sending the command GET HUMOR GUIDE to the LISTSERV@ UGA.CC.UGA.EDU address. After reading that document, you will need to send me your numbered answers to a questionnaire (one of which includes an opportunity to present a bit of humor--testing your ability to write an appropriate subject line). I suggest that each contributor post something at least once a year, but no more than three times a week. If you receive HUMOR at a commercial, military, or government site, please be prudent with whom and how you share our humor. 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Here is the current weekly traffic report: Traffic Report for HUMOR, 25 September-1 October (Number of articles posted each day) 4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last Date Day Back Back Back Back Week 25 Sunday 14 6 6 10 8 26 Monday 30 12 24 23 10 27 Tuesday 20 20 23 28 16 28 Wednesday 19 12 16 19 22 29 Thursday 11 22 23 22 19 30 Friday 13 15 21 16 10 1 Saturday 16 10 16 7 6 Averages 17.6 13.9 18.4 17.9 13.0 Subscriptions 3,349 3,377 3,396 3,503 3,623 Countries 50 49 47 53 52 Contributors 362 371 375 381 376 Here is some Lincoln humor via Carl Sandburg A fuddy-duddy judge corrected Lincoln's pronunciation of the word "lien" as "lean" saying it should be as "lion." In a minute or two Lincoln again pronounced the word his way, and again being corrected apologized, "As ;you please, your honor." And slipping again and the judge again correcting, he replied, "If my client had known there was a *lion* on his form he wouldn't have stayed there long enough to bring this suit." ---- When the Supreme Court, made up of three judges, all from Onedia County, New York, ruled against Lincoln so he lost his case, he was asked by S.T. Logan, "How did you like the decision?" and answered, "It's all that can be expected from a Oneida (one-idea) court." ---- "If three pigeons sit on a fence and you shoot and kill one of them, how many will be left?" he asked. The answer was, "Two, of course." To which Lincoln responded, "No, there won't, for the other two will fly away." ---- And it was told that once when Lincoln heard a farmer bragging too big about the size of a hay crop that year, Lincoln said that he had once helped to raise hay one year, and when it came harvest time, "We stacked all we could outdoors, and then we put the rest of it in the barn." On a paper written by a lawyer, with too many words and pages, he remarked, "It's like the lazy preacher that used to write long sermons, and the explanation was, he got to writin' and was too lazy to stop." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 10:44:30 +0500 From: "Dr.P.Vyasa_Murthy" Subject: cigarette - a description Cigarette --------- A Descriptive Definition of the well known cigarette is given below: One of the well known definitions is : A fire at one end, a fool at the other, with some tobacco in between. Now let us see a descriptive one: 1) It is a long thing with a red end, which goes between two flaps of skin - usually covered with hair. 2) They come in different sizes 3) They are long to begin with, but grow short with usage 4) They call for some amount of sucking and puffing 5) After having had one, you feel like having one more, after some time 6) You can use it standing, sitting, sleeping 7) You normally don't use it in the presence of elders 8) They emit odours unacceptable to others 9) When you use it, pulse rate shoots up and breathing related problems follow, though temporarily you are in a state of intoxication. 10) It is the ' IN-thing' of the modern times and youngsters want to show off in the presence of girls! ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 00:03:00 PDT From: Jack Kolb Subject: humorous ads #4 CLASSIC ADS 4: MISCELLANEOUS Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Ears pierced - while you wait! No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it. This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. For Sale: Diamonds $20; microscopes $15. Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last Stock up and save. Limit: one We build bodies that last a lifetime See ladies blouses. 50% Off! Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops! Thanks to Gary Guibor Jack Kolb IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 12:05:53 IST From: Gil Kenny Subject: Text item: Text_1 get log00086 get log00085 get log00084 ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 12:05:54 IST From: Gil Kenny Subject: Text item: Text_1 get humor log00087 get humor log00086 get humor log00085 get humor log00084 get humor log00083 ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 12:55:58 MET From: Jan Kucera Subject: Does God exist? (vulgar, offensive to religious) Dialogue from a film (its title is difficult to translate, something like "Legacy, or Ohshitguysbwenosdeeus": Persons: - village bloke (VB} - distinguished lady (DL) VB: Do you believe in God? DL: No, I don't. VB: Why, then. DL: Nobody has seen him. There is no evidence. VB: That's no proof. I haven't seen your cunt either and yet I believe you have one. -- Jan Kucera: kuc@fce.vutbr.cz ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 10:27:40 -0400 From: "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now." Subject: Humor: Talking in an open-plan office... Keeping A High Profile in the Open Plan Office (Another one from the archives...) Never write a note or memo if you can phone or visit instead - everyone wants to talk whenever you're ready. Don't sit down to talk - the accounstic are better the higher you are, and remember that most people are a bit deaf so SPEAK UP. Try to talk with _at least_ three people between you and your listener, so that they don't feel left out. The very best place for a conversation is in the corridor, beside someone else's desk. If the corridor is full, try leaning against their cupboard or hanging over their screen. Never warn people of your approach by knocking on their desk or cupboard. People love surprises, especially if they're busy. The best time to disturb someone is when they look thoughtful or are concentrating. It's your _duty_ to give them a break now and again. To make sure that _you_ get regular breaks, never use a "Do No Disturb" sign. When other people use them they're only joking. Always hold meetings around a desk. If you book a conference room everyone will think you've got something to hide. If the phone isn't answered after four rings, hang on. _Someone_ will answer it eventually, and they might like a chat, too. Never divert calls if you're leaving your desk. Your telephone could get into bad habits. Try to whistle, hum or tap your fingers while you work. It is a comfort to others to know that you're still there. If you have to design the office layout, remember to leave lots of wide-open spaces so that we can see and hear each other right across the floor. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 10:09:47 -0500 From: Shelia Morgan Subject: I am looking for something called a Purity Test, if anyone has a copy of this could you please send me one. My address is "sfmorgan@comp.uark.edu" And here are some WONDERFUL jokes for you all to enjoy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman ways to a Martian, "Do you smoke after sex?" The Martian thinks for a moment, then says, "I don't know. I never looked." ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A traveling salesman goes to a farm. As he drives up the road to the farmhouse he sees a pig with a wooden leg in the yard. When the salesman gets to the house and meets the farmer, he asks him, "Say, what's the story behind that pig with the wooden leg?" "Funny you should mention it," says the farmer, "but that pig is the greatest pig I have ever had. One time I was doing the chores in the barn when I happened to doze off. Suddnely the barn caught fire. "This pig," says the farmer, his eyes welling up with tears, "broke out of his pen, came into the burning barn, nudged me awake, and pulled me to safety. He saved my life!" "Yes, I understand," says the salesman. "That's wonderful, but that still doesn't explain to me why the pig has a wooden leg." "Well," says the farmer, "a special pig like that you don't eat all at once!" ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 11:20:27 EST From: Clarity Hands Subject: Old ladies joke, Old man's advice, & cat's philosophy :-) Three old friends were sitting about one afternoon just chatting and chatting. After several hours one of them said, "Goodness, I've been sitting so long I dare say my behind has gone to sleep." Her friends looked at each other and one of them said, "We know, we could hear it snoring." ---- Here is some advice which an elderly shared with me: When you get be an old man never waste a hard-on, even if you're by yourself, and never trust a fart. ---- ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM MY CAT * Life is hard and then you nap. * Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours * Variety is the spice of life: One day ignore people, the next day annoy them, and play with them when they're busy. * Climb your way to the top -- that's why the drapes are there. * Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone's face. * Make your mark in the world -- or at least spray in each corner. * When you go out into the world, always remember, being placed on a pedestal is a right, not a privilege. * Make love loudly and have your babies quietly. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 08:25:00 PDT From: "Larson, Mark" Subject: OJ (sorry if you've heard it) Do you know what Michael Jackson said to OJ? Don't worry I'll take care of the kids! ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 11:07:11 EST From: "B.ANDERSEN" Subject: BLONDE AND OTHER OFF. WOMYN JOKES How does a blond turn on the light after sex? She opens the car door. What does a blonde say mid-way through sex? Are you guys all on the same team. Why do women have bodies? To keep their cunts alive. Why do blondes wear panties? To keep their ankles warm. Why do blondes wear big looped earings? To have some place to put their feet during sex. Why do blondes like tilt steering? More head room. What do you call a brunette between two blondes? An interpreter. What do you say to a blonde that won't give in? Have another beer. Who do you send in against a terrorist? A woman with PMS. Why will there never be a woman president? Because there would be a World War every 28 days. How many guys does it take to mop a floor? None. It's a woman's job. What do you do when your dishwasher breaks down? Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 12:04:52 -0400 From: Sheldon Cheney Subject: A few clean jokes. Sailor 1: Did you hear the captain got married, then his wife ran away with another man? Sailor 2: Yeah, he took her for a mate but she was a skipper. --------------- Customer: "Hey! Waiter, hey!" Waiter: "O.K. but we'll have to send out for it." --------------- Customer: "This food it terrible. I want to speak to the manager." Waiter: "I'm sorry, sir, but he's out to lunch right now." --------------- An English professor took a walk in New York's Central park. He saw several housewives sitting on a bench while their small childern ran around in the park. (Keep in mind a common New York/Long Island accent.) One woman called out to her child, "Shelly! Come here!" The professor stopped and said to the woman, "How lovely! All the things people name children these days, it's nice to see a child named after a classical poet like Shelly." The woman looked at the professor and asked, "Shelly Temple's a poet?" [Especially for foreigners - Shirley Temple was a famous child movie star] ----------------- Did you hear about the farmer who called his pig "Ink?" That was just his pen name. ---------------- What did the baby chick say when his mother laid an orange instead of a egg? "Oh, look at the orange marmalade." []<>[]<>[] ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 10:34:31 -0400 From: Brian Cyr Subject: Clean Blonde Jokes ----------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a lightbulb? A: The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on. Q: Did you hear about the new form of Birth Control for Blondes? A: They take off their makeup. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender: Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender:"What is a B and C?". Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke." Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender: "What's a 15?" Blonde: "7 and 7" ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 16:11:25 LCL From: Robert Bragner Subject: To continue, press CTRL+ALT+DEL (squeaky-clean) My Internet address was recently changed because my old was was so unreliable. It was SO unreliable that I don't know if any of my previous postings ever made it out. If this one did, would someone please let me know? A Cyberspace friend of mine here in Istanbul who teaches computer science to junior high-school students related the following (real) occurrence in one of his classes. It was the early days of the school year and he was describing the machines (PCs) to the kids in general terms. As he was explaining keyboard functions he pointed out that if the computer ever got locked up (he demonstrated a lock-up) you could regain control of the machine by pressing CTRL-ALT-DEL simultaneously (demonstrating that, too). Some of the kids objected that their hands were too small and that they weren't quick enough to hit all three keys at once. As the teacher began explaining and demonstrating that all you needed to do was hold down CTRL+ALT with one hand and press DEL with the other, his eye happened on a boy in the front row: He had the index finger of his left hand on the left CTRL key, the index figure of his right hand on the right ALT key and after searching for the DEL key for about five or ten seconds, he paused for a moment as if thinking what to do next and then calmly pressed it with his nose... ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 17:41:41 -0400 From: "Bob Hawkey - Don`t worry - Be Happy! };^>" Subject: A true optimist - offensive to Denverites! What is the definition of a TRUE optimist??? Someone waiting at the Denver International Airport for the winning Super Bowl champions to come home! ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 19:00:22 -0600 From: DAVID HASELTINE Subject: The tale of a certain Somebody... Living in an apartment with three other guys this year has taught all of us to deal with problems in a peculiar way. Since all four of us have busy and different schedules, we rarely see each other and had to develop a way of communicating gripes about the state of the apartment. Being non-accusatory people, we began referring to those who needed to do certain jobs as "Somebody". For example, (in a terribly threatening voice with the word "somebody" emphasized), "_Somebody_ needs to take out the trash" and "_Somebody_ needs to clean up the dishes that have been sitting in the sink for a week with macaroni and cheese all over them". We also have a large message board attached to one wall, on which each of our names is listed for messages, to-do-lists, etc. One half of the board now bears the heading "SOMEBODY" - under which, in parenthesis, is written the sub-heading "the scapegoat of our disdain". Various messages have appeared under this heading, along the lines of "Somebody needs to recycle", "Somebody needs to close the doors so bugs don't infest the apartment" and "Somebody needs to remember to wipe the toilet seat". And, recently, "Somebody needs to pray for Bill Clinton." During a recent bad week of exams in which all of us were stressed and grumpy, "somebody" messages appeared at a rate of around 10 a day. Most of them were directed at one unfortunate roommate, who soon became fed up with all the accusatory reminders pointed at him. So, in a fit of rage, he grabbed a large red marker and wrote on the board in capital letters: "SOMEBODY NEEDS TO SMILE ONCE IN A WHILE!" --D. Haseltine --"Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling." (M. Runbeck) --HASELTDK@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 1 Oct 1994 02:16:58 GMT From: Ed Lambert Subject: In the News-Political, off to OJ, Ted Kennedy, Bobbitt, Etc, Etc, Etc For those of you who like these, I'm back! It's been a hectic week and I need a laugh: In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times (various authors - some edited) OJ Simpson's lawyers are trying to decide whether to let him testify in his upcoming trial. The jury will be able to tell if he's lying or telling the truth: they've seen him in those "Naked Gun" movies...they know he can't act. On his frequent in-court whispering to attorney Robert Shapiro, who generally just nods: I figured out what's going on. OJ is asking him, "Is this line of questioning going to cost me extra?" Judge Lance Ito is still furious with KNBC for repeatedly saying DNA tests have proven that Nicole Brown Simpson's blood was found on OJ's footwear. If I were Ito, I'd tell Tracie Savage to put a sock in it. As for the 45 foot scaffolding networks erected outside the courtroom, Ito is praying for another earthquake. Prospective jurists for the OJ Simpson trial may survive preliminary questioning, but the toughest phase still lies ahead - the swimsuit competition. Jimmy Carter's promise of amnesty to Haitian Generals have the White House concerned. "We don't care what Carter promised. If President Clinton wanted to grant pardons, he would have sent Gerald Ford." American Airlines has announced cutting 3,600 jobs. Employees say they don't like the callous, careless way they were informed. They say they're being treated like luggage. David Bloch, best known in the film world as the author of the Novel "Psycho", died last week. In lieu of funeral services, friends and family plan to hold a shower. Senator Ted Kennedy, during his tough reelection campaign, has challenged his opponent to tour the state for a series of debates, and said "I'LL DRIVE!" John Wayne Bobbitt has expressed the desire to get back together with his ex-wife Lorena. Actually, PART of him wants to get back together...part of him doesn't. Sunday, October 2 marks the 44th anniversary of the "Peanuts" comic strip. You'd never know it from reading the cartoon...except for Charlie Brown's occasional concerns about his prostrate. October is also National Depression Education and Awareness Month, which coincides with National Stay Off Window Ledges Month. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 23:35:36 EST From: Tommy Hughes Subject: Early Am almanac humor: Lawyers & liars A grave old country blade coming before a judge and taking his oath on a cause, he was bid to have a care what he swore to, lest he went to the devil. "I fear not that," replied he, by way of retort, "for I have given him my oldest son, and he ought to be content with one out of a family." "How's that?" says the judge; "Pray explain yourself." "Why, truly, I have made him a lawyer, and you know the devil was a lawyer from the beginning." "A liar, you mean," says the other. "I know not," replied he, "what distinction there may be in town, but I am sure, by sad experience, we in the country know no difference between a lawyer and a liar." (The Farmer's Almanack for 1797) Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early American Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 22:53:50 -0500 From: Ian Chai Subject: Wherefore, it's confusing... From "Reporter's Notebook" By the Champaign-Urbana News-Gazette (10/3/94) Will the real Sheri Lyn Woller please stand up? To tell the truth, two might rise if the question were asked out loud at the Thomas, Mamer and Haughey law firm in Champaign. You see, Sheri Lyn Woller works there as a legal secretary. So does Cheri Lynn Woller. Does it get a little confusing? "Only if the receptionist doesn't get a clear indication of who the call is for," said Sheri. "I think I got her husband one time." Neither Woller was born under that name. Sheri Huff man married Mike Woller three years ago. Cheri Green married Mike's third cousin, Brian Woller, in May. Sheri, 24, of Royal has worked for the law firm since 1990, and Cheri, 22, of St. Joseph has worked there since 1992. But the connections go much further back. Both women went to St. Joseph-Ogden High School, and both went to Parkland College's legal secretaries training program. When Cheri was completing the program, Sheri helped her get an internship at Thomas, Mamer and Haughey. Sheri is expecting a baby. That made for confusion when Cheri got married in May; some people assumed Cheri was the pregnant one. Pity the poor members of the Champaign County Legal Secretaries Association. Sheri was elected president of the association this fall, and Cheri was elected treasurer. --DON DODSON Reporter's Notebook is a weekly column of odds and ends, oddities and ironies collected by News-Gazette staffers. The column appears on Mondays. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Oct 1994 to 3 Oct 1994 **********************************************