There are 11 messages totalling 352 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. humorous ads #5 2. Host and Fleas (non-offensive) 3. if a woodchuck could.....tongue twisters.. 4. Religious humor (clean and relatively non-offensive) 5. COOKIE DOUGH VS MEN (MILDLY SEXUAL) 6. Joke about people who own dogs 7. What am I? (off to dirty minds) 8. micro humor 9. The Cross-eyed Barber (fwd) 10. Expressive insults Pt. 1 11. Tallest ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 23:53:00 PDT From: Jack Kolb Subject: humorous ads #5 CLASSIC ADS 5: MISCELLANEOUS Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play. Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1. RADIO SPOTS: Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure. When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after. Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. Illiterate? Write for free information. Thanks to Gary Guibor Jack Kolb IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Oct 1994 06:38:36 E From: Charlie Hill Subject: Host and Fleas (non-offensive) This was forwarded to me from a good friend. From whence it came I do not know.. enjoy ============================ Natalie, You're gonna loooove this! Yesterday the beginning OT and DP students were working in cooperative learning groups on an assignment related to telecommunications terminology. Our esteemed collegue was being *very* helpful. One group had trouble understanding the concept of a _host computer_ so Sharon was her usual Johnny-on-the-spot self to give them an analogy they could relate to. After her initial efforts at explanation failed she had a brainstorm! Following is roughly the conversation: Sharon: Do you have a dog or cat? Students: Yes Sharon: You know they sometimes get fleas? Students: Yes Sharon: If an animal has fleas, which is the host? Students: (Cue light bulb) The Dog! Sharon: Right! Now in our case, who is the host? Students: Vanderbilt! Sharon: And we are.... Students: the FLEAS! I can just picture in my mind, the CTRVAX scratching its "fleas"--that must be what keeps kicking us out of the system! Can't you just picture it? The students of course, understood perfectly after Sharon's explanation. I love my job! ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Oct 1994 08:11:19 EST From: JOHN STONE Subject: if a woodchuck could.....tongue twisters.. We all knew part of this as kids, but I never knew the whole thing..... If a woodchuck could chuck wood, How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, If a woodchuck could chuck wood? He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, If a woodchuck could chuck wood. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Can you imagine an imaginary menagerie manager imagining managing an imaginary menagerie? Ned Nott was shot and Sam shott was not. So it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some say Nott was not shot. But Shott says he shot Nott. Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot, or Nott was shot. If the shot Shott shot shot Nott, Nott was shot. But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott, then Shott was shot, not Nott. However, the shot Shott shot shot not Shott, but Not. "A Twister of Twists, A Tangler of tongues" Alvin Schwartz ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Oct 1994 09:00:48 -0500 From: Wendell E Gragg Subject: Religious humor (clean and relatively non-offensive) From "The Potluck Hall of Fame"; Top Ten Reasons Churches Don't Ask Clown Ministries to Return 10. They force people to smile during the 8 am service. 9. It's hard to say with dignity, "The sermon today will be given by Brother Umpa-Doody." 8. Whoopee cushions inevitably appear under the pew cushions. 7. Sermons take a lot longer when they are in pantomime. 6. Clowns wearing blue curly wigs might be confused with elderly women. 5. Many denominations do not recognize seltzer water baptism. 4. Dribble glasses might be used during the communion service. 3. They have to pay janitors extra to get silly string off the ceiling. 2. The junior highers pop their balloons during closing prayer. 1. They realize they have enough clowns working there already. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Oct 1994 13:40:13 EST From: "B.ANDERSEN" Subject: COOKIE DOUGH VS MEN (MILDLY SEXUAL) Reasons Why Cookie Dough Is Better Than Men 1 It's enjoyable hard or soft 2 It makes a mess too, but it tastes better 3 It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it 4 You always want to swallow 5 It won't complain if you share it with friends 6 It's "quick and convenient" 7 You can enjoy it more than once 8 It comes already protectively wrapped 9 You can make it as large as you want 10 If you don't finish it you can save it for later 11 It's easier to get the kind you want 12 You can comparison shop 13 It's easier to find in a grocery store 14 You can put it away when you've had enough 15 You know yours has never been eaten before 16 It won't complain if you chew on it 17 It comes chocolate flavored 18 You always know when to get rid of it 19 You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed 20 It's always ready to go 21 won't get arrested if you eat it in public 22 You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed 23 It won't wake you up because it's hard 24 You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it 25 You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're bragging 26 It won't take up room in your bed 27 It's easy to pick up 28 You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around 29 You know what the extra weight is from 30 It won't get jealous if you pick up another one 31 It never has an insecurity problem with its size 32 It is very pliable ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Oct 1994 14:06:45 EST From: Kathleen Williams Subject: Joke about people who own dogs August Strindberg said: "I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Oct 1994 15:23:47 EDT From: "Robert M. Adams" Subject: What am I? (off to dirty minds) ************************************************************ What AM I ??? This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice of three times a day, but often much less. WHAT AM I ??????? As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own..........TOOTHBRUSH Thanks to Bill Sier of Writers list ****************************************************************** ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Oct 1994 22:24:06 -0400 From: Jefferson Slattery Subject: micro humor Here's a little microbiology humor for the approching holiday: Q: What kind of protist likes Halloween? A: An amoeboo! Enjoy, Jeff ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Oct 1994 22:52:21 -0400 From: Jefferson Slattery Subject: The Cross-eyed Barber (fwd) > Bill (the listowner WITHOUT a sense of humor) kicked Warren off of the > contributor list because he had a two line signature block. He asked me to > pass this on to those of you who still have one. > > The barber leaned over and said to the guy he was shaving, "Sir, > did you have ketchup on your shirt?" > "No," the man replied. > The barber picked up the phone and dialed 911. > ************************************************************************** > | Warren G. Ferguson -N8VOV | They that can give up essential liberty to | > | SKYWARN | obtain a little temporary safety deserve | > | Athens, Ohio | neither liberty nor safety. | > | aa159@seorf.ohiou.edu | -Benjamin Franklin | > ************************************************************************** ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Oct 1994 22:47:13 -0400 From: John Vogel Subject: Expressive insults Pt. 1 The Washington Post's Style Invitational Column asked for colorful curses in the Yiddish tradition. The winners: 4th runner up: May your hair never turn gray, so everyone thinks you dye it. 3rd runner up: May you be caught shoplifting by a security camera that adds 10 pounds to you in court. 2nd runner up: May the ladies on 14th street call out your name as you drive by with your wife, and may your wife call them back by theirs. 1st runner up: May you be a contestant on "Jeopardy!" playing against my 7-year-old son and the only categories are Power Rangers, X-men, and fart noises. and the winner is: May your children be so clever they are acquitted of murdering you. NEXT: The honorable mentions! ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 11:38:52 GMT+1200 From: "Marvin Bruce M. Galero" Subject: Tallest A local joke everybody here probably heard about: Three kids were bragging about the heights of their grandfathers. Kid 1: My grandfather's so tall, that he can touch the bell of our church without going on tiptoes. Kid 2: Ha! That's all?! My grandfather's so tall that he can touch the clouds! Kid 3: Nobody can touch clouds, you jerk! They're only fog in the sky! Kid 2: Oh, yeah?! How come he says he can touch something soft and round when he reaches up? Kid 3: That's because he's touching my grandfather's balls! --------------------------------------- Marvin ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Oct 1994 to 4 Oct 1994 **********************************************