There are 17 messages totalling 614 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Sniglets & In The News (Political - Off to OJ) 2. sailing joke (sexist) 3. Staunching the flow 4. weight loss through sex - suggestive 5. Nursing Home.offensive-elderly 6. mynorcas for car names 7. Aphonia and the doctor's wife 8. Jack Charlton joke 9. Doctor's appointment < poss. off. to ladies 10. A non-offensive joke 11. Bits & Pieces Story 12. Life 6.I A collection of clean humor gathered on: 20 Aug 90 13. Programmer Humor 14. 3 COMPUTER NERDS 15. more funny papers 16. Child molester joke 17. JAP Jokes (off to Jews, language) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 04:23:38 GMT From: Ed Lambert Subject: Sniglets & In The News (Political - Off to OJ) First off, the prior sniglets reminded me of those great Rich Hall skits. One I heard was in the middle of a big meeting with our Air Force customer, and the person holding the meeting interrupted someone and said, "Wait a minute, am I hallucinihearing?" I thought it would be a classic sniglet (as in "Am I hearing things?") In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times Halloween Edition The biggest selling item this year was the Tiny Tot forensic kit. It allows trick or treaters to conduct DNA tests on any suspicious goodies. Some kids went out as OJ Simpson. They should have gone as Robert Shapiro so they could take all the little OJ's candy. The Forrest Gump costume came with a bad haircut, big ears and the ability to garner national attention for no apparent reason. Last year, it was sold as the Ross Perot. Another costume for those with a suit and very little money: Carry a dictionary and goe as Dan Quayle. Sorry. The middle manager costume is no longer available. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 01:12:00 PST From: Jack Kolb Subject: sailing joke (sexist) It seems that there were two brothers, identical twins by the name of Jones. John was married and Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated old row boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat filled up with water and sank. A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and, mistak- ing him for John who had lost his wife, said, "Mr. Jones, I was terribly sorry to hear of your loss, you must feel terrible." Joe said, "Well, I'm not a bit sorry, she was a rotten old scow from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Every time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack in back and a big hole in front. That hole got bigger and bigger everytime I used her. I got so I could handle her alright, but when anyone else used her she leaked like a sieve!" "But this is what finished her," he continued. "Four doctors came into town looking for a good time and asked if they could hire her. Well, I warned them that she wasn't so hot, but they said they would take a crack at her anyhow. The results were that all the darn fools tired to get into her at once and it was too much for her and she cracked right in the middle..." Before Joe could finish, the old lady fainted. [thanks to Gary Guibor] Jack Kolb IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 08:26:07 EST From: "1 Crazy Guy..." Subject: Staunching the flow Heard from a retired office mate One day a young black woman went into a drug store and asked to see the pharmacist. When he came out he asked what he could do to help her. She said that she needed to buy some "napkins" but didn't know what to get. So the pharmacist asked her what size that she wanted to buy; MINI's, MAXI's, or TAMPONS But she said that she didn't know what size to buy, that's why she was here to ask what he recommended. So he then asked her what kind of "flow" did she have and she replied "linoleum." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 08:35:28 EST From: JOHN STONE Subject: weight loss through sex - suggestive ====================== THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX ====================== ---------------------------------------------------------------- ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED ---------------------------------------------------------------- REMOVING CLOTHES: ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE: With partner's consent.....12 Shoes flew off...............35 Without partner's consent.187 Expression didn't change....1/2 Orchestra swelled.............6 UNHOOKING BRA: Birds sang Using two calm hands........7 Large birds..................7 Using one trembling hand...36 Small birds..................3 Earth moved..................30 Lifting partner............15 PULLING OUT: Dragging partner on floor..16 After orgasm................1/2 Using skateboard............3 A few moments before orgasm.500 ACHIEVING ERECTIONS: PENIS ENVY: For normal healthy man....2.5 For woman.....................3 Losing erection............14 For men......................72 Searching for it..........115 GUILT: PUTTING ON CONDOM: Despite no formal training, With erection.............1.5 orgasm comes easily..........53 Without erection..........300 You're enjoying sex,despite the fact that other people are INSERTING DIAPHRAGM: starving......................2 If the woman who does it is Sex on your lunch hour........3 Experienced.................6 Putting it on expense account.. Inexperienced..............73 20 If a man does it..........680 AGGRAVATION: Add (5) calories for retrieving Partner keeps showing plants..5 it from across the room. Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay..........14 ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY: Partner visiting bathroom for Italian- Man on top,woman in 7th time.....................10 kitchen....................26 Partner taking phone calls....7 Russian- Woman on bottom, Partner making phone calls...40 Man getting permission.....55 American- Both on top......60 GETTING CAUGHT: By partner's spouse..........60 SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE: By your spouse..............100 Bouncing....................7 Trying to explain............55 Sliding around..............9 Trying to remain calm.......100 Serious skidding...........12 Leaping out of bed...........75 Whiplash...................27 Getting dressed in one motion 500 Thanking partner quickly......2 ORGASM: Real.......................27 Faked.....................160 ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 08:38:49 -0500 From: "Ben F. Cheek" Subject: Nursing Home.offensive-elderly What is fifty feet long and smells like urine? A line dance in a nursing home. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 17:03:46 +0500 From: "Dr.P.Vyasa_Murthy" Subject: mynorcas for car names Thanks to so many of you adding to my list of mynorcas. Here is a set of funny expansions for CAR names. I am reproducing the usenet clipping, as this conforms to the definition of mynorca. Any more for common words? ================================================================== In article <8530@portia.Stanford.EDU> mdbomber@portia.Stanford.EDU (Matt Bartley) writes: > >Does anyone know a lot of acronyms for car names? Such as: > >GM- General Maintenance >FORD- Fix Or Repair Daily >FIAT- Fix It Again, Tony! >TOYOTA- Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto > >Anyone know more? You mean like this ... Cars ----------------------------------------------------------- BMW Babbling Mechanical Wench BMW Beastly Monsterous Wonder BMW Beautiful Masterpeices on Wheels BMW Beautiful Mechanical Wonder BMW Big Money Waste BMW Big Money Works BMW Blastphemous Motorized Wreck BMW Born Moderately Wealthy. BMW Break My Windows BMW Broken Money Waster BMW Broken Monsterous Wonder BMW Brutal Money Waster BMW Bumbling Mechanical Wretch Buick Big Ugly Import Car Killer Buick Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer Buick Big Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer Chevy Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips. Chevy Charged Heavily Chevy Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet Dodge Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter Dodge Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere Fiat F**king Italian Attempt (at) Transportation. Fiat Failure in Automotive Technology Fiat Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation Fiat Fix It Again Tony? Ford F**ked over rebuilt Dodge Ford F**ker Only Runs Downhill Ford F*cked on Race Day Ford First On Recall Day Ford First on race day Ford Fix Or Repair Daily Ford Found on road dead Ford Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto's GMC Garage Man's Companion GMC Generally Mediocre Cars GMC Get More Chicks GMC Got More Crap Mopar Most Often Passed At Races Mopar Mostly Old Parts And Rust Mopar Mostly Old Paint And Rust Plymouth Please Let Your Mother Out Under The Hood! Plymouth Pussy Lips Your MOUTH Pontiac Poor old nut thinks it's a Cadillac SAAB Stupid, Arrogant Asshole Babies SAAB Such an arrogant bastard! SAAB Swedish Automobile - Always Broken Toyota Too Often Yankes Overprice This Auto ----------------------------------------------------- No, don't have any. > >-- >Internet: mdbomber@portia.stanford.edu Matt Bartley >Bitnet: mdbomber%portia@stanford.bitnet > Kirk: "Spock! Where's that power you promised?" > Spock: "One damn minute, Admiral." -- Star Trek IV : The Voyage Home -- Mark Seiffert, Metairie, LA. uucp: rex!mgse!marks bitnet: marks%mgse@REX.CS.TULANE.EDU internet: marks%mgse@rex.cs.tulane.edu ======================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 17:11:47 +0500 From: "Dr.P.Vyasa_Murthy" Subject: Aphonia and the doctor's wife A patient suffering from acute aphonia (loss of voice due to throat infection) goes to the doctor. Upon ringing the door bell, finds the doctor's wife at the door. He asks, in apparant whisper, "Is the doc in?" She replies - in whispers: "No, Come on, in!" -------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 15:35:31 GMT From: The Northerner x3154 ICDC Subject: Jack Charlton joke This is my first posting from little old England. Hope you like it. imagine i am talking in an Irish accent and wearing a green footbal top ...... Graham Taylor, Jack Charlton and Jesus are all sitting in a boat in the middle of a smalish lake. Unfortunately the engine packs in and they are left stranded. A discussion starts up into how they are going to get back to land, lets walk, says Jesus, to the horror of Graham and Jack who claim that he will just get eaten by sharks or drown. With a disapproving shrug Jesus gets out of the boat and calmly walk to dry land. Jack and Graham look each other before Jack decides to follow and steps out of the boat and walks to join Jesus on the shore. Graham decides there can't be much in it and staos ou of thr boat, is engulfed in the waves and eaten by sharks. on the bank jesus asks jack 'do you think we should have told him about the stepping stones then?' 'What stepping stones replies Jack' Steve The Northerner P.S. If anyone has any sheep related jokes out there, can they please mail them to me. I have a mate in Wales that I want to take the mick out of. ******************************************************************************* * So the Northern hordes have once more returned to cause havoc, chaos * * and untold devastation to the fens of Cambridge. Watch out...Lock up * * your daughters....Steves about. * * NNEEEAAHHHHAAAAAAAAAA (Maniacal Laughter) * * internet: huxford@ukpmr.cs.philips.nl * ******************************************************************************* ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 10:43:46 EST From: Allan McKellar Subject: Doctor's appointment < poss. off. to ladies -------------------- Mail Item Text Follows ------------------ To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL From : Allan McKellar Subject: Doctor's appointment < poss. off. to ladies An apocryphal tale no doubt, but still worthy of repeating .. A lady had to attend her doctor for a routine smear test. After showering, she decides to apply some female deodorant, and discovers hers is all-but empty. No problem, she chooses from her daughter's vast collection of fragrant unguents and applications. She was mystified when her doctor smiled and said he wished more of his patients had her sense of humour. She was too embarrassed to ask what he meant, and was somewhat shocked to discover later that the spray she had borrowed from her daughter was in fact glitter for use at a forthcoming party. ------ ------- ---- Police in York (England) are to stop making routine patrols in cars because there is no money left to pay for petrol. { gas } Until the spring, officers will patrol either on foot or bicycle. The shortfall has been caused by a big increase in pensions, paid from the same budget. ------ ------- ---- A joint and several "No Luck" award to the readers of a Scottish Sunday newspaper who responded to an advertisement offering what appeared to be the holiday bargain of the year .. "New York two or three-day breaks from 165 pounds per person." { pounds x 1.6 = dollars } The callers found themselves talking to a hotelier not 20 miles from Glasgow, and not the Big Apple. 'Twas indeed a misprint, and a case of someone not knowing whether it was New Year or New York. Allan ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 12:03:49 -0500 From: Keith Willauer Subject: A non-offensive joke Many years ago, in a fairly large midwestern city, a baby was born with no body from the head down. The doctors were quite surprised by this, and were even more confounded by the fact that this baby actually survived. What was even more interesting was that the baby began to grow various body parts as it got older. A neck and shoulders grew out by the time he was one year old, followed later by a chest and arms. This progressed through his childhood, until finally, a set of feet and toes grew out of him on his 18th birthday. The young man was so excited about having a complete body that he decided to go out and celebrate with his friends. He got all dressed up and walked out of his house, only to be hit and killed by a passing dumptruck as he stepped off the curb. The moral of this story - Quit while you're ahead. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 12:24:04 EST From: "Heather D. Rielly" Subject: Bits & Pieces Story From Bits&Pieces for Nov. 10, 1994 An airline executive, tired of constant problems with people, longed for perfect employees. His hopes seemed fulfilled when scientists suggested that as a start he replace aircrews with completely automatic planes- computers would replace pilots, engineers, and even flight attendants. The executive was delighted. No more errors, no more emotional difficulties, no more people problems. A demonstration flight was quickly arranged for the board of directors. Everything went perfectly: the plane took off, reached cruising altitude, and leveled off. The board members loosened their seat belts and relaxed, all smiles. Just as they were congratulating the executive, a voice came over the speaker system: "This is your computer pilot speaking. Welcome to the completely automated airplane. Lunch will now be served. Merely press the button at your seat and it will arrive automatically. After lunch may I suggest you sit back and enjoy the flight. I am in complete control of the plane. Nothing can go wrong. Nothing can go wrong. Nothing can go wrong. Nothing can go wrong....... ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 09:32:56 PST From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 6.I A collection of clean humor gathered on: 20 Aug 90 There were two kids in the Detroit area who broke into a Mom & Pop store, ate some candy, raided the cash register (chump change), then picked up one of those instant-print cameras and started taking pictures of each other. The prints came out with nothing on them. They used up nearly a whole "roll" but still didn't get any good photos. After filling their pockets with gum, candy, etc., they left the store. Police arrived at their respective front doors soon after the crime, with the fully developed pictures as evidence. /---\ ==O=O==// " Hitler was lucky he didn't meet the Ninja ( _____ ) Turtles... Germany would have been heavily \_____/ shelled. " " A zoologist, while on expedition through the Black Forest of Germany, discovered a new species of turtle there. To his surprise, this turtle could even speak, but only in German, and its vocabulary was limited to 2 words. Each time the zoologist asked it a question, it would reply 'Ja' (German for 'Yes') or 'Nein' (German for 'No'). So the zoologist called it the 'Nein-Ja' turtle. " A couple leaving the theatre. Lady: How did you like it dear? Man: It was a lot more entertaining than that Star Trek movie you took me to last year, It had a begining, a middle and an end. An answering machine was with a "Joe Friday" immitation: "This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you. A door to door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bull his way into a woman's home in outback Australia. "This machine is the best ever" he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag of dirt over the lounge floor. The woman says she's really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman says "If this machine doesn't remove it completely I'll lick it off myself" "Do you want Ketchup on it?" she says, "only we're not connected for electricity yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" How many real Klingons does it take to screw in a lightbulb: answer #1: none, real klingons see by phaser light. answer #3: none, real Klingons declare war on the humans and get them to do it. answer #4: unknown: real Klingons can't count (there's a hidden joke here) The list of lawyer jokes cannot be sent due to a court order given at the request of some lawyers. That order has been appealed by some other lawyers. Pending the appeal (and possible further appeals up to the supreme court), the list will be unavailable to the general public. If you are unhappy with this situation, see your lawyer, who will be happy to handle it for you for a suitable fee. Q: What does a math graduate say to a sociology graduate? A: I'll have the burger and fries, please. This acctually happened about 15 years ago, when -- as a young lecturer -- I was asked to give a course on Foundations of Analysis. I was sure at the time that the students already know the subject matter and they will be wasting their time listening to me. I was quite surprized, when I entered the classroom for the first lecture, to find a room packed with students. I was going to suggest that those who know the subject matter leave the course, so as not to waste time and energy. I therefore asked the following question: "Has any one of you, by chance, read the book of Landau: Foundations of Analysis?" The class suddenly became very quiet, until a student from the last row said: "I did not read the book, but I saw the movie." Weeks later we were laughing, trying to imagin to ourselves how a movie on Foundation of Analysis could look like. In the computer industry, there are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and benchmarks. Yeah, I heard that the Cray 5 was so fast, it takes TWO halt instructions to terminate a program! ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 10:02:00 PST From: Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber Subject: Programmer Humor [Forwards truncated] Q: What do you say to a programmer in a suit and tie ? A: Will the defendant please rise. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 16:44:04 EST5EDT From: "R. Russell - test user" Subject: 3 COMPUTER NERDS 3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a system's analyst, and a programmer. The system's analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the breaks have failed and the car is accelerating out of control. So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation. Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look." System's analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in breaks." Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 14:05:16 -0800 From: Michael Smith Subject: more funny papers Yo ho ho and a six pack of Heinekin! Just received another issue of an internal news letter with more excerpts from actual science exam papers. Thought I might share some I haven't seen before. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. (I guess nature really is red in tooth and claw but I wonder if they also use assault rifles!) The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to a cow instead of a bull. We believe that the reptiles came from amphibians by spontaneous generation and the study of rocks. When water freezes, you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in the wintertime. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. (my favorite:). It has overtones of the _Princess Bride_) A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter. It is a well known fact that a deceased body harms the mind. And to really put a sharp point on things: Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes (sic) have more convulsions. (oh yes, it is only when I fall to the floor and quiver uncontrollably that I feel superior to those lowly beasties. They have no idea what they're missing) ciao fer now mike ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 19:29:31 EST From: Clarity Hands Subject: Child molester joke What does a skinflint child molestor say to his marks? "Hey little girl, would you like to BUY some candy?" Thanks to Gary Rudd of Indiana State for providing this joke. Hey, guys, don't worry he in the university not the prison. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 20:03:22 EST From: Mike Reed <74513.2570@COMPUSERVE.COM> Subject: JAP Jokes (off to Jews, language) (J)ewish (A)merican (P)rincess jokes can be told as any ethnic or regional group, i.e. "Sylvania Houswife" jokes... ____________________ Question: How many JAP's does it take to change a light bulb?? Answer: THREE, One to call the electrician, and Two to make the martinis. ___________________ Question: What does a Jewish American Princess make for dinner?? Answer: Reservations. __________________ Then there was the observation overheard at the water cooler: "My woman told me last night to 'Give her 9 inches and hurt her", so I fucked her 3 times and hit her with a chair... aaaaaah. And an original thought... The light at the end of the tunnel may not be a train coming, but if its red, you may be entering a district where you can get fucked... __________________ Mike in Toledo ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Nov 1994 to 2 Nov 1994 **********************************************