There are 21 messages totalling 677 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. 4 lines of verse & a Barbie doll joke 2. darkness and virgin wool 3. One-liners from the Society of Manaufacturing Engineers 4. Man in bar 5. potentially offensive to Jews 6. In The News - Political, off to Postal workers, hookers, OJ 7. for avid fishermen 8. cucumbers-better than men/crude (2) 9. cucumbers-better than men 10. Humor: BB's in the cookies 11. Calvin Coolidge Humor (Part 3 of 3) 12. Clean Joke 13. Offensive to Clinton fans - sexual 14. Jury Tale 15. Humor: 50 elevator pranks... 16. Public Service & Govt. humor 17. Haloween & the white house. 18. A silly joke 19. A Christ Joke 20. 8 limericks ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 21:30:53 EST From: Sara Rummelhart Subject: 4 lines of verse & a Barbie doll joke Attributed to Ted Bundy, a fellow who had a habit of killing his dates Last week in a bar A guy walked over, Touched my shoulder, In the ladies' room. --- In Keeping up with the times, Mattel is coming out with Divorced Barbie She comes with all of Ken's stuff. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 07:51:15 IST From: Gil Kenny Subject: darkness and virgin wool Text item: Text_1 A little boy comes home early from school one day and is concerned to discover that no one is at home. He looks around the house for his mother and sees that her bedroom door is closed. He opens the door to find total darkness and whistles, "Geez, it sure is dark in here !" All of the sudden there is mad scampering in the bedroom and a masculine voice from underneath the bed says, "I'll pay you $ 25 if you never mention that this happened." The little boy is very happy to accept the money and swears secrecy. The next Sunday, the mother takes the little boy to church. He goes into the confenssional and says, "Geez, it sure is dark in here!" The priest on the other side says, "Now don't start that again." ======= Mrs. Levine found a very attractive black wool suit and purchased it for $ 300. Later the same day she was in another store and saw what appeared to be the same suit for $ 49.95. She rushed back to the first store to complain. "But Madam," said the salesman, "that copy isn't 100% virgin wool." "At these prices," Mrs. Levine protested, "I should care what the sheep do at night?!" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 09:35:00 GMT+0800 From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" Subject: One-liners from the Society of Manaufacturing Engineers A last gasp from me for a month whilst I'm in South Africa. This has been taken from the Times Higher Education Supplement: Feedback, the newsleter of Dundee University's department of applied physics and electronic and mechanical engineering, has been plundering the American journal Manufacturing Engineering for one-liners submitted by members of the Society of Manufacturing Engineers. Among the samples: "Maths illiteracy affects eight out of every five people . . . Change is inevitable, except from vending machines . . . Never tell a lie, unless lying is your strong point . . . Start off every day with a smile and get it over with . . ." Regards Mike R ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 17:12:37 GMT From: Paul Costello Subject: Man in bar --------------------------------------------- A man walks into a bar and buys a pint of beer. As he is just about to take a swig from his glass a monkey runs along the bar, puts its dick in the man's beer, pulls it back out and runs away. The man is rather upset at this point because his beer is now undrinkable so he buys himself a fresh pint. Just when he goes to drink his new beer the same monkey runs along the bar, puts its dick in the glass, pulls it back out and runs away. Again, the man is rather disgruntled at his beer being spoiled so he buys himself yet another pint of beer. This time the man decides that if the monkey should stick its dick in the beer, he will try his best to see where it runs to. Sure enough, as he is about to take a sip, the monkey comes running down the bar, puts its dick in the glass, pulls it back out and runs away. The man watches the monkey and sees it run across the room and jump up onto the piano player's left shoulder. The man walks across to the piano player, feeling quite annoyed now, and says to him, "Do you know you're monkey keeps putting it's dick in my beer?!!" "No", says the piano player, "but if you sing it, I'll try to play along!" ---------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 01:25:00 PST From: Jack Kolb Subject: potentially offensive to Jews A young Jewish boy from New York went out west to college. One day in his senior year he called home and said to his mother, "Mom. I've got a surprise for you. I'm getting married." "Lucky you," his mom said. "Finding a nice young Jewish girl out in a place like Wyoming." "Mom," his son replied, "she isn't Jewish. She's a Native American." The mother fainted and wouldn't talk to him for a month. When she finally agreed to come to the phone, she said, "If you're going to marry an Indian, at least bring her home to me." Her son said, "Mom, we're already decided where to live. We're moving to the reservation." The mother fainted again. This time she didn't talk to her son for six months. When she finally agreed to come to the phone, her son said, "Mom, I've got some good news this time. You're going to be a grandmother." She hesitated, then said, "A grandmother is not a bad thing to be." Feeling pleased for the first time, she called once a month to find out how things were. Then one day she heard from her son. "Mom, I've got great news. We've just had a son. And we've decided to give him a Jewish name." The mother smiled. "Ahh. A Jewish name for my grandson. What is it?" "Smoked Whitefish." For his fortieth birthday the nice Jewish boy received the usual two ties from his mother, this time a paisley and a solid. When he picked her up for dinner that night wearing the solid, his mother took one look and said, "So what's wrong with the paisley?" "My mother is the most fanatical housekeeper in the world," Mel Goldstein said to a friend. "How so?" "Last time I was home, I got up in the night to go to the bathroom. When I got back, my bed was made." Where could you find a Jewish couple who have lived in perfect happiness for a decade? A Jewish mother and her ten-year-old son. A Jewish man picked up the phone and dialed. When a voice answered, e he asked, "Mother, how are you?" "Fine." "Sorry. I have the wrong number." Jack Kolb IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 00:55:26 GMT From: Ed Lambert Subject: In The News - Political, off to Postal workers, hookers, OJ In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times Secret Service agents knew that Francisco Duran, the upholsterer who shot at the White House on Saturday, wasn't a postal worker. He got the address right. Dan Quayle predicts that 50 out of the 100 US Senate seats will be Republican next year. He added, "That's almost half!" The trial for alleged Hollywood madam Heidi Feliss will begin soon. The judge wasn't amused when she tried charging him $100 for the court date. During Prince Charles' LA visit, police will be giving him the standard treatment afforded all dignitaries - a motorcade of 50 squad cars will be escorting his white Ford Bronco. Among surprises in the recent sex survey: Most common sites for sex other than bedroom: Car, living room and Oval Office. Most common teen age male sex fantasy: a partner. Oddly enough, men finished the survey more quickly than women. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 07:00:44 -0400 From: Serge Matulich Subject: for avid fishermen I hope I did not send this before. If I did, I apologize. I heard this one years ago, but it may be new to some of you. Four avid fishermen arrived in the Canadian lake region for a week of fishing. As they were ready to depart for the fishing, one of them realized that they would be hungry when they get back. "One of us has to stay behind and cook," he suggested. After some discussion, the four decided to draw straws, and the one with the short straw would stay behind. But the first time someone complained about the cooking, he would have to take over as cook. The man who drew the short straw did a nice job of cooking a meal when the other three returned from their fishing for lunch. They talked excitedly about the fish they caught, about they fights the fish gave them, and so on. No one complained about lunch, nor at dinner time when they ate the day's catch. The next day the cook realized that if he did a very good job of cooking, he would never have a chance to fish, so he threw together the worst meal he could come up with. But again no one complained about the food, although they did have some trouble getting it down. The third day the cook felt he had to do something drastic. So he walked down the road toward a place that boarded horses, and picked up some roadapples (polite term for horse manure). He cooked a nice looking meat pie, but instead of meat, filled it with the manure. He waited expectantly as his three friends returned for lunch from their morning of fishing. As they sampled the day's dish, one of them wrinkled up his nose and said, "My God, this stuff tastes like horse manure," then quickly added "and it's cooked just the way I like it." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 07:56:11 EST From: JOHN STONE Subject: cucumbers-better than men/crude Thanks to D. Luchinski 21 REASONS WHY CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN 1. A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter. 2. A cucumber won't need to be sucked off. 3. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. 4. A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy. 5. A cucumber won't want to come on your face. 6. A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon. 7. A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow. 8. A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot. 9. You won't find out that a cucumber is: married, on penicillin, or trying to screw your sister. 10. A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep. 11. A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer. 12. A cucumber won't run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun. 13. All cucumbers are fresh and juicy. 14. You can keep as many cucumbers as you want. 15. Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your house. 16. Cucumbers don't jam the freezer with food you don't like. 17. Cucumbers don't stay up until 4 and then demand that you take care of them when they get sick. 18. But on the other hand, cucumbers stay up ALL THE TIME. 19. Cucumbers don't mind if you enjoy them and a movie at the same time. 20. Nobody calls you a bigot for having a favorite kind of cucumber. 21. The cucumbers you raise don't desert you. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 08:17:49 -0600 From: Christopher Hawk Subject: Re: cucumbers-better than men But! Cucumbers won't take out the trash or cut the grass.... ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 09:37:00 -0500 From: Matthew Grob Subject: Humor: BB's in the cookies Mother was in the kitchen one day making chocolate-chip cookies. With the telephone handset balanced on her shoulder, she was speaking with a friend, not totally concentrating on the task at hand. When it came time to add the chocolate chips to the cookie dough, she accidently reached for a jar of BB pellets that was sitting nearby. Not realizing the error she had made, she baked the cookies and served them to her family. The next day, her husband came to her and said that the oddest thing had happened. As he was urinating, BB pellets had come out in the stream, clinking into the toilet bowl. Mom thought this was odd and tried thinking what could have caused it. A little while later, daughter Mary came in complaining that when she urinated, BBs had come out in the stream. Now somewhat frantic, Mom wracked her brain, searching for an answer. As she looked around the kitchen trying to think what she might have fed her family that would have resulted in such an odd reaction, her gaze fell on the jar of BBs sitting right next to the jar of chocolate chip and realized the mistake she must have made. Somewhat relieved that her family was simply passing the pellets with no other apparent side-effects, she relaxed and was even a bit amused by the mix-up. A short while later, son Johnny came running into the kitchen. "Mom, Mom," he shouted, "I was in the bathroom and . . ." but before he could finish, Mom said, "I know, I know. You were urinating and BBs came out." "No," he replied, "I was jerking-off and I shot the dog!" **** For international readers, "BBs" are small, round metal pellets that are often used as ammunition for target practice and are also used to fill shotgun cartridges. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 10:36:46 EST From: KEITH E SULLIVAN Subject: Calvin Coolidge Humor (Part 3 of 3) -- [ From: Keith E. Sullivan * EMC.Ver #2.01P ] -- I think one of the United States' most humorous presidents has to have been a man known as "Silent Cal" (Calvin Coolidge (1923-1929)). The following excerpts about President Coolidge are from the book PRESIDENTIAL ANECDOTES by Paul F. Boller, Jr.: SENATOR BORAH According to a popular (but spurious) story, Coolidge was riding in his car through Rock Creek Park in Washington one day and spied Senator William Borah, the great Republican independent from Idaho, on horseback. They chatted for a moment. Then, as Borah rode away, Coolidge chuckled: "Must bother the Senator to be going in the same direction as the horse!" HOBBY "What is your hobby?" a woman asked him. "Holding office," drawled Coolidge. CHEESE SANDWICHES Colonel Edmund W. Starling, Secret Service guard for the President, took afternoon walks with Coolidge. When they returned, Coolidge would take Starling to the butler's pantry and make two sandwiches of Vermont cheese, one for himself and one for Starling. He cut the cheese carefully and measured the sandwiches one against the other; if they weren't equal, he would shave off a little more cheese to make them balance. Then he would give one to Starling, and they would sit down and eat them. The cheese, said Starling, was as stong as a billygoat. One day Coolidge said, "I'll bet no other President of the United States ever made cheese sandwiches for you." "No," said Starling. "It's a great honor." Added Coolidge gloomily: "I have to furnish the cheese too." STANDING UP A woman who heard Coolidge speak at Madison Square Garden in October 1932, rushed up to him afterward and exclaimed: "Oh, Mr. Coolidge, what a wonderful adress! I Stood up all through it!" "So did I," said Coolidge. DEPRESSION Just before the 1932 election, actor Otis Skinner said, "Oh, Mr. Coolidge, I wish if were you we were going to vote for in November. It would be the end of this horrible depression." "It would be the beginning of mine," replied Coolidge. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 11:04:58 -0400 From: Brian Cyr Subject: Clean Joke A man went to a doctor, looking for an operation to make his hair permanently blonde. The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would require the removal of over half of his brain. The man insisted, however, so the doctor agreed. Since the doctor had a brand new laser device which could zap just the right portions of brain tissue in an office procedure, the operation was planned immediately. The laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man's declining IQ on a nice LED display. The doctor threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off: 120, 118, 116... Suddenly the phone rang - it was the doctor's wife. They talked for quite a while, the doctor forgetting completely about his patient. When he hung up, he suddenly realized what he had forgotten, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down: 6, 5, 4... He ran to the machine and hit the power switch, just as the laser was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain. "Oh my God!" exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done? Speak to me! Say anything!!" The man looked at him and said, "Hi, you're watching MTV, and we just heard..." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 11:36:39 -0500 From: Thomas Rowe Subject: Offensive to Clinton fans - sexual What does Bill Clinton say to Hilary after having sex? (pretend to hold phone in hand) "I'll be home in about 20 minutes." ------------------ What do you get when you goose a ghost? A handfull of sheet. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 11:43:38 -0500 From: Bo Peng Subject: Re: cucumbers-better than men/crude > 21. The cucumbers you raise don't desert you. > 22. You get to choose the cucumbers you raise -- just pick the one with a good size. 23. When cucumbers get old and lose juice, you simply throw them in trash, and have the next-best-thing to remove it. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 11:43:07 EST From: Allan McKellar Subject: Jury Tale -------------------- Mail Item Text Follows ------------------ To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL From : Allan McKellar Subject: Jury Tale Juries are always told that their task is solely to return a verdict of guilty, not guilty or (in Scotland) not proven. One jury in the Australian outback, however, refused to follow the judicial advice. In a cattle-stealing case they used their local knowledge and found the accused "not guilty provided he returns the cows". Faced with the judge's wrath for not bringing in a proper verdict they retired again only to return this time finding the accused "not guilty and he doesn't need to return the cows". Uncle Matt - are you still out there ? Allan ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 13:55:56 -0400 From: "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now." Subject: Humor: 50 elevator pranks... 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator 1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 5. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 7. Shave. 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall. Don't get off. 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 14. One word: Flatulence! 15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 16. Do Tai Chi exercises. 17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" 18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!" 19. Give religious tracts to each passenger. 20. Meow occassionally. 21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!" 23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons. 25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. 26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!" 29. Leave a box between the doors. 30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. 32. Start a sing-along. 33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?" 34. Play the harmonica. 35. Shadow box. 36. Say "Ding!" at each floor. 37. Lean against the button panel. 38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. 39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 40. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 41. Bring a chair along. 42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?" 43. Blow spit bubbles. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." 46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. 47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger." 50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!" (Credit to Alan Meise) ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 14:55:45 -0500 From: Bret Jacobsen Subject: Public Service & Govt. humor Dear fellow HUMORists, I am posting this as a public service. I understand it is NOT humorous but HUMOR is a very large list. Obligatory Humor: If pro is for something, and con is against it, why do we have CONgress? Now for the important message: PLEASE PASS THIS ON AND CROSS POST TO ALL NEWSGROUPS NO MATTER HOW INAPPROPRIATE... 2 Children are missing due to a car-jacking in South Carolina. One boy is 3 1/2 and his younger brother is 13 months (approx.) They were taken during a car-jacking. The license plate number is GBK-167 (South Carolina). It's a burgundy 4-door Mazda with a USC (Univ. S. Carolina) bumper sticker plus a dent on the front bumper. Please report ANY information to 1-800-522-5681 or your local FBI office. Lets ALL lend a hand and help these kids get back to their parents if we can. AGAIN PLEASE CROSS POST TO EVERY PART OF THE NET THAT YOU THINK WOULD HELP SPREAD THE WORD. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 17:54:02 MEX From: Antonio Oliveros Subject: Haloween & the white house. Hi everybody, due to the lack of time i had last two weeks, i couldn't read all the posts in the list for the last two weeks ( I hope i can read all of the m tommorow whitout geting fired of my job ) =) an d now, hoping nobody had come with something like this, a question: I heard that on october 31st, a guy fired a shotgun at the white house, my q uestion is : Will the defense of this guy will allegate he was asking for trick or treat??? No more silly questions for now, I will try to come back to at least a post a w eek. bye for now. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Antonio Oliveros. | ////// | DON'T TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY, Iberoamericana University.| // 00 | YOU WILL NEVER GET OUT OF IT Mexico City. | |@ > | ALIVE. ----------------------------oOo--------oOO------------------------------------ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 15:08:11 -0500 From: Keith Willauer Subject: A silly joke Why are turds tapered? So your asshole doesn't slam shut. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Nov 1994 12:00:54 JST From: Chris Subject: A Christ Joke Q: Why doesn't Christ eat M & M's? A: Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 21:53:44 EST From: Angel Dey Subject: 8 limericks In Wall Street a girl named Irene Made an offering somewhat obscene: She stripped herself bare And offered a share To Merrill Lynch, Fenner and Beane. THE BISHOP OF BIRMINGHAM There were two young ladies of Birmingham, And this is the story concerning 'em: They lifted the frock And diddled the cock Of the Bishop as he was confirming 'em. The Bishop was nobody's fool - He'd been to a large public school; He took down his britches And diddled those bitches With his ten-inch Episcopal tool. But that didn't bother those two; They said as the Bishop withdrew; "Oh, the Vicar is quicker And thicker and slicker And longer and stronger than you." I once knew a very queer lass Who had a triangular ass. Now it might sound absurd But the shape of her turd Was a stately pyramidal mass! A thrifty old man named McEwen Inquired, "Why bother with screwing? It's safer and cleaner To finger your weiner, And besides you can see what you're doing." There was a young lady of Worcester Who complained that so many men goosed her. So over her caper She laid some sandpaper Now they goose her much less than they used ter. A habit obscene and unsavory Holds the Bishop of Wessex in slavery. With maniacal howls He deflowers young owls Which he keeps in an underground aviary. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Nov 1994 to 3 Nov 1994 **********************************************