There are 16 messages totalling 660 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. More GOP comedy: Sergeant of Arms and the HouseKeeper 2. word play 3. Bill Gates Goes to Heaven (1 Offensive 3-letter adjective) 4. A joke 5. computer humor 6. Now *who*'s God's party? 7. Humor: Conversation on a plane (Off to Christian Fundamentalists) 8. Clinton Joke 9. HMO 10. Humor: Sex Through The Ages 11. Dumb questions & talking dog joke 12. Life 6.J A collection of clean humor gathered on: 29 Aug 90 13. FW: This would not surprise me at all 14. Sexual Harassment Permission Form 15. FW: Koala Sweat Tea - A Little Friday Humor 16. Koala Sweat Tea - A Little Friday Humor ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 4 Nov 1994 01:07:32 EST From: Sim Webster Subject: More GOP comedy: Sergeant of Arms and the HouseKeeper Newt Gingrich, the next Speaker of the House, in order to broaden his Southern GOP powerbase has decided to select G. Gordon Liddy (a New York Yankee, faithful Republican, and open-mouthed radio talker) to be the next Sergeant of Arms. Liddy will be allowed to keep his talk show and he will be allowed to present his show on NPR in place of *All Things Considered*. The House Republicans plan to create a new position, HouseKeeper. Pat Schroeder (a Colorado Democrat) will be assigned this duty. If she doesn't perform of duties competently she will have her pay docked to pay for undocmented workers from California to do the work. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Nov 1994 02:49:31 -0500 From: AdinaS@AOL.COM Subject: word play We alread knew that Progress is the opposite of congress. RB Trary pointed out in the "San Diego Mensan" magazine that impregnale's opposite is....impregnable. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Nov 1994 03:00:32 -0500 From: Timothy Abicht Subject: Bill Gates Goes to Heaven (1 Offensive 3-letter adjective) ALT.BEST.OF.INTERNET Item ======================================================= Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area. Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace. Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like Woodstock gone metastatic. Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering. "Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first." "Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?" Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?" "Yes." "Well then, do the math, chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?" "I guess not." "You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment." "Job assignment?" "Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not *that* Abraham." Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait. "Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries." "I had to wait *three* weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up." Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works." Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!" "We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?" "You bet!" Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million .... .... Macintoshes .... .... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code! The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???" "You're forgetting something," said Abraham. "What's that?" asked Bill plaintively. "This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then.... .... GO TO HELL!" -------- ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Nov 1994 04:20:28 -0500 From: Keith Willauer Subject: A joke What do the USS Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both circle Uranus and wipe out Klingons. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Nov 1994 09:30:50 EST From: JOHN STONE Subject: computer humor First, thanks to the 100's of guys who commented about cucumbers. Your right they can't/won't; walk the dog, mow the grass, take out the trash, fix the car...............etc. F U CN RD THS, U CN GT A GD JB N CMPTR PRGRMMNG. (if you can read this you can get a good job in computer programming) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Nov 1994 08:35:53 -0600 From: Ian Chai Subject: Now *who*'s God's party? My roommate's name is Dwight Divine -- he thinks they got that last name because of an ancestor who was a priest back when Western Rite Catholic priests were allowed to marry. The other day, we got this in the mail: LAUREL PRUSSING State Representative Common Sense and Integrity Vote November 8th ----------------------------------------------- Non Profit Org. U.S. Postage PAID Democratic Party of Illinois To: THE DIVINE FAMILY OR CURRENT OCCUPANT 309 N BUSEY APT 3 URBANA, IL 618010000 ================================================== Hmm, so Laurel Prussing is trying to get the vote from Joseph and Mary, eh? (I suppose the Baby Jesus can't vote?) =================================================================== In other news, regarding that message posted yesterday about Susan Smith's 2 kids who were allegedly taken in a carjacking -- turns out she just confessed to murdering them. Here's an excerpt of what AP has to say about it: UNION, S.C. (AP) -- She spun a heartbreaking tale of being dumped on a lonely road by a carjacker who abducted her two young sons, and her tearful pleas on national television for their return inspired a search from Georgia to Seattle. Now Susan Smith has confessed to killing her sons, according to an arrest warrant. And the nine-day search by authorities and hundreds of volunteers for 3-year-old Michael and 14-month-old Alex ended where their mother's story began: John D. Long Lake. Mrs. Smith's burgundy 1990 Mazda was pulled out of the lake Thursday night, the bodies of two children in the back seat. She was to be arraigned today on two charges of murder. ... Residents of this mill town who searched and prayed for the children reacted with anger and bitterness. Dozens of people outside the county courthouse gasped and sobbed when the charges were announced. ``If you could see the way she acted that night, that's the main thing that gets me,'' said Rick McCloud Jr., who was at home with his parents on Oct. 25 when Mrs. Smith pounded on their door, crying for help. ``Just to think, for a solid week I was defending her. It gets me sick to my stomach.'' ... ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Nov 1994 10:27:09 -0400 From: "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now." Subject: Humor: Conversation on a plane (Off to Christian Fundamentalists) This actually happened to a friend of a friend... We've all been in discussions with fundamentalist Christians at one time or another that have annoyed the heck out of us (if not, you have yet to live). My friend, who met this character on an airplane, came up with a very good, effective way to silence someone of this persuasion: He said all this with a completely straight face. Man on the plane: "Soooooooo... what church do YOU go to?" My friend: "Well, [long pause here]...I'm a Druid." Man: "I beg your pardon?" Friend: "We worship trees." Man (after a pause): "Oh, ..." After this, the man seemed a little disappointed, so my friend added: "If YOU were from Amarillo, you'd worship trees, too!" [Note: Amarillo, Texas, in the heart of the Bible Belt, is known for its completely featureless, flat, boring landscape.] - - - - On a non-humorous note in response to an earlier "public service" posting about the two kids missing in a S. Carolina carjacking. According to last nights 11o'clock news, the car and the childrens' bodies were found in a nearby lake. The mother has failed 2 lie detector tests and is currently being charged with 2 counts of murder. Sorry to add such a distressing note to the end of my post, but I wanted to notify the original poster and illustrate one of the main reasons cross-posting is frowned upon. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Nov 1994 10:26:33 -0500 From: "" Subject: Clinton Joke Five members of the Army football team have been accused now of sexually harassing female cadets at a pep rally. And who says the military doesn't look up to President Clinton? --David Letterman, 11/03/94 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Nov 1994 09:33:31 CST From: "Sara B. Grimes" Subject: HMO Three doctors died and went before St. Peter. The first one walks up and St. Peter says: Let's see here, it looks like you worked in an emergency room in a busy city for many years and never took a vacation. You are obviously a man of great conviction. Pass right on through. Second one walks up: You were a pediatrician that helped terminally ill children through their final days. Very compassionate. Right this way. Third one: Humm, you worked for an Health Maintenance Organization? Well, okay, go ahead. You've got three days. Take Care, Sara Grimes vmsarag@vetmed.vetmed.missouri.edu ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Nov 1994 12:06:00 -0500 From: Matthew Grob Subject: Humor: Sex Through The Ages Another goodie from my mom . . . The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married you want it all the time and maybe even do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it maybe one once a week or so. Then, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you're lucky to have it once a year -- maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well, how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. "Well," grandpa said, "she goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed in my bedroom and she yells 'fuck you' and I holler back 'fuck you too'." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Nov 1994 12:33:29 EST From: Clarity Hands Subject: Dumb questions & talking dog joke Dumb Questions Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? Why do they tell us to watch "The Today Show" tomorrow? Who is "they" anyway? Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected and so therefore one is expecting the expected? How does one expect the unexpected? Why do women wear a pair of panties and one bra? Why does it matter if we all put our pants on one leg at a time? Has it ever rained cats and dogs? Do you know the way to San Jose? Where does weight go when you lose it? Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike? Why don't ease, lease, and please sound alike? How long is a short story? Why do we read left to right yet turn pages right to left? Does Bill Clinton think Elvis is alive? Why do people cry when they're sad? What does Santa do at a house with no chimney? Why aren't there many Hannukah specials on tv? If rainy days and Mondays get you down, what do you do on rainy Mondays? Who cares how it plays in Peoria? Why am I asking all these things? Why did you read this? Am I really seeking answers? What do you think? ---- A man was selling his dog and his neighbour came over to make an offer. "I was a stand-in for Lassie for many years in the movies," said the dog. "Wow!" said the neighbour. "And I was once the most famous dog in vaudeville," said the dog. "Amazing!" said the neighbour. "And I flew an air force bomber in WWII," said the dog. "I can't believe it!" said the neighbour. Then he turned to the owner and said, "Why are you getting rid of a talking dog?" "Well," replied the owner, "I'm tired of his lies." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Nov 1994 09:49:58 PST From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 6.J A collection of clean humor gathered on: 29 Aug 90 " ." -- Harpo Marx Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes, nothing is safe while the legislature is in session. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. If not controlled, work flows to the competent person until he is submerged. It is smart to pick your friends--but not to pieces. It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy. No man is rich enough to buy back his past. Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of bleeding, he sings. Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them. Some men are discovered; others are found out. Taxpayers don't have to take a civil service exam to work for the government. The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. The only rose without thorns is friendship. The universe is all a spinoff of the Big Bang. The world isn't worse. Its just that the news coverage is so much better. There is only one way to kill capitalism--by taxes, taxes, and more taxes. UFOs are real. The Air Force doesn't exist. Under every stone lurks a politician. We may be alone. We may not be alone. Either way, the thought is staggering. Why do we study poverty instead of wealth? Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. You cannot use your friends and have them too. Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him--Groucho Marx Beyond the Alps lies more Alps, and the Lord alps those that alps themselves--Groucho Marx If you have a lot of lucky breaks, it isn't just an accident--Groucho Marx Hollywood is a place where they place you under contract instead of under observation--Walter Winchell TV is a medium--so called because it is neither rare nor well done--Ernie Kovacs Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there--Will Rogers The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother--Reverend Theodore Hesburgh No man ever said on his deathbed, "I wish I had spent more time on my business"--Senator Paul Tsongas As scarce as the truth is, the supply is always greater than the demand--Josh Billings Keep doing good deeds long enough, and you'll probably turn out a good man. In spite of yourself--Louis Auchincloss To test the worth of a man's religion, do business with him--John Lancaster Spalding Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will--Jawaharlal Nehru A man who has committed a mistake and doesn't correct it, is committing a second mistake--Confucius Ours seems to be the only nation on earth that asks its teenagers what to do about world affairs, and tells its golden-agers to go out and play--Julian Grow The man who is too old to learn was probably always too old to learn--Henry Haskins The hardest thing about any political campaign is how to win without proving that you are unworthy of winning--Adlai Stevenson There are many men of principle in both parties in America, but there is no party of principle--Alexis de Tocqueville I would rather be governed by the first 300 names in the Boston telephone book than by the faculty of Harvard University--William F Buckley, Jr In peace, sons bury their fathers; in war, fathers bury their sons--Herodotus Pacifism means biology takes precedence over morality: long lives are more valuable than good lives--Dennis Prager When you reread a classic, you do not see more in the book than you did before; you see more in you than there was before--Clifton Fadiman Most politicians don't listen to their conscience, because, after all, who wants to take advice from a total stranger? Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers--Socrates Society is a place where people live together; the lone wolf belongs in the wilderness--Number Two, the Prisoner Honesty is the best policy--there's less competition. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Nov 1994 09:53:00 PST From: Scott Hysmith Subject: FW: This would not surprise me at all <> **** PRESS RELEASE **** Microsoft Corporation today announced plans to buy the Philadelphia Mint from the United States government. Final details of the transaction were hammered out in an all night bargaining session which included President Bill Clinton representing the US, and four unnamed chorus girls. An obviously fatigued and smiling Clinton emerged from the meeting and stated that he saw no chance that there would be opposition from anyone within the government. In an effort to appease regulators, Microsoft gave a copy of Windows NT and a box of paper clips to Novell. Microsoft said it intends to print money in direct competition with the US Government. Microsoft chairman, Bill Gates, declared, "The Government has no vision and we intend to eventually take over all operations." The official announcement was made by Microsoft spokesman, Brad Silverberg, who showed reporters an alpha version of the currency Microsoft will release next year. The currency, called simply "Money" (patent pending) bears a striking resemblance to US currency . When questioned about this, Silverberg stated that the US Government had obviously copied the design. Silverberg alleged that this was constantly happening to Microsoft, citing Apple's theft of the Windows look and feel, and Stac's pilfering of on-the-fly disk compression as only two examples. Gates said the acquisition was made in order to move closer to his grand vision of "Money always at my fingertips." Gates further stated that the move to 32 bit operating systems would make it difficult "for the lemms, uh, I mean, users to continue throwing money at Microsoft in ever increasing amounts." "This (acquisition) will make it unnecessary for our customers to continue to struggle with the challenge of actually buying and installing software," continued Gates. Response within the industry and government was immediate. All major ISV's appeared at the press conference and announced support for Money. Steve Gibson called the acquisition "the most earth shattering event in the history of the world, without question." Brian Livingston said this was the most exciting news "since cousin Pee Wee got his own television show." Ed Bott declared that PC Computing would dedicate its next twelve issues to the new Money and said we would "all be using it soon." Jim Seymour stated that "the miraculous Money is now the standard for currency in the United States." Hillary Clinton was not available for comment. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Nov 1994 12:46:59 EST From: Sara Rummelhart Subject: Sexual Harassment Permission Form THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT CONSENT FORM Name: _______________________________ SOCIAL SECURITY No: ___________________ ADDRESS: ____________________________ CITY: _________________________________ STAFF ELEMENT: ______________________ HOME PHONE No.: _______________________ MALE: ____________ FEMALE: __________ OFFICE PHONE No.: _____________________ SEXUAL PREFERENCE: Male - Female Female - Female Male - Male All of the Above None of the Above - Please Specify: _______________________ I CONSENT TO THE FOLLOWING FORMS OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT: Salutatory Greeting: _____________________ Eye-to-Eye Contact: ______________________ Eye-to-Bust Contact: _____________________ Eye-to-Below Waist Contact: ______________ Heavy breathing on neck: _________________ ear: __________________ other: ________________ Hands on body: ___________________________ shoulder: _______________________ waist: __________________________ Gluteus Maximus: ________________ other: __________________________ Feelies: _________________________________ Gropies: _________________________________ Penetration (however slight): ____________ Other: ___________________________________ All of the above: ________________________ MISCELLANEOUS: I WILL I WILL NOT 1. Assist in procurement of various potions, lotions, products, appliances, etc. to be used during sexual harassment. 2. Assist in procurement and maintenance of various types of sustaining apparatus. 3. Clean up. I CERTIFY THAT I WILL ACCEPT SEXUAL HARASSMENT FROM: Anyone: ____________________________________ Anyone But: ________________________________ Only: ______________________________________ SIGNATURE: _______________________________________ DATE: _____________________ This form is to be reviewed by immediate supervisor annually, prior to performance rating and evaluation. The funny thing about this form, which I did not write, is that you know for certain what HIS sexual orientation is! Sara ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Nov 1994 15:37:00 PST From: Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber Subject: FW: Koala Sweat Tea - A Little Friday Humor A small plane crashes in the Australian outback. The pilot is rescued by some Nuns (the Sister's of Mercy) who nurse him back to health. He was unconscious when they picked him up, and when he awoke the first thing he saw was a nun holding a cup of liquid. She says, "Here, drink this. Its a special tea made from the sweat of a Koala Bear." He tastes it and finds that its got something granular in the tea. "Hey, they're is something floating in this tea!" She replies, "Of course, dear. Don't you know that the Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained?" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Nov 1994 16:02:00 PST From: Wayland Wasserman Subject: Re: Koala Sweat Tea - A Little Friday Humor Very little. ---------- From: Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber To: Bernard Littau; Scott Hysmith; Tim Lesher; Wayland Wasserman; Humor Subject: FW: Koala Sweat Tea - A Little Friday Humor Date: Friday, November 04, 1994 3:37PM A small plane crashes in the Australian outback. The pilot is rescued by some Nuns (the Sister's of Mercy) who nurse him back to health. He was unconscious when they picked him up, and when he awoke the first thing he saw was a nun holding a cup of liquid. She says, "Here, drink this. Its a special tea made from the sweat of a Koala Bear." He tastes it and finds that its got something granular in the tea. "Hey, they're is something floating in this tea!" She replies, "Of course, dear. Don't you know that the Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained?" ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Nov 1994 to 4 Nov 1994 **********************************************