There are 8 messages totalling 341 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. offensive to blacks 2. Riddle (off. to christians) 3. true but bizarre 4. "The IV Graduate" quotes of the week 5. Another dig at Poor Hilary 6. The Ballad of the Bobbit Hillbillies 7. In the News - Political, off to lawyers, royalty, OJ, Old fighters 8. everybody SING! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 5 Nov 1994 02:17:00 PST From: Jack Kolb Subject: offensive to blacks THE DARK SIDE A boy in the second grade came home from school and his mom asked what he did today. He replied, "Momma, at the pee break all of the boys compared our pee pee's, and you know what? Mine was the biggest! Do you think it's because I'm black?" His mom said, "No, son. It's because you're 16." Did you hear about the new daredevil Ku-Klux-Kenevil? His next stunt is to jump over 50 blacks with a steamroller. What did the little black child say as he walked back and forth in front of the zebra? "Now you see me, now you don't. Now you see me, now you don't...." A black guy decided to go on a camping expedition in the jungle, but as he was walking down a path he stepped into some quicksand. Five minutes later a native with a bone through his nose comes walking by. Black Camper: "Hey, bro! Come on, bro, can you get me out of here?" 1st Native: "No problem, brother. But, you have to give me a blow job." Black Camper: (now up to his chest in quicksand) "No way, man! Get out of here!" The native shrugged and walked off. After a couple minutes another native walked by. Black Camper: "Hey, bro! Come on, bro! Can you get me out of here?" 2nd Native: "No problem, brother, but you have to give me a blow job if I does!" Black Camper: (up to his shoulders in quicksand now) "Come on, bro, don't do this to me, I can't give you a blow job!" The native shrugged and walked off. After a few more minutes a third native walked by. Black Camper: (now up to his chin in quicksand) "Hey, bro! Come over here. Can you get me out of here? I'll give you a blow job!" The third native looked at him with disgust. "You fucking queer!" he snarled as he stepped on the camper's head. Jack Kolb IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Nov 1994 15:34:34 +0200 From: Altar Ariel Subject: Riddle (off. to christians) Q: What do you get when you mix Holy Water with whiskey? A: The Holy Spirit. ariel ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Nov 1994 09:17:58 -0500 From: MikGreene@AOL.COM Subject: true but bizarre A few years back, well maybe quite a few years back, I was hitchhiking across the states after finishing my freshman college year. I got a ride outside Niagra Falls from a Pentacostal priest. He started up talking about how the Holy Spirit had vested him with the power to heal people. Having just waded through a year of heavily analytical courses I wasn't feeling particularly spiritually credulous as this man extolled the wonders of faith healing. After a bit, he saw he wasn't gaining a convert and tried a different tack. "What did you study this past year?" he asked. "Physics, Chemistry, Calculus, programming, literature - the usual stuff," I responded. "Where at?" "Colorodo School of Mines. It's an engineering school," I answered. "Oh! - You're an engineering student!" he brightened. "Let me tell you what I was able to do! I had a stopped up toilet one time. I laid my hands on the toilet and said 'By the power vested in me by the Holy Spirit, I order YOU TO FLUSH!!' And you know? Right then and there the toilet really flushed!" He was literally beaming at me. I gave him a wan smile and bit the inside of my cheek for the next few miles till he dropped me off. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Nov 1994 09:41:29 -0600 From: Ian Chai Subject: "The IV Graduate" quotes of the week "The IV Graduate" is the newsletter of the Graduate Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. There is a regular column called "Quotes of the week" which are quotes from members and guest speakers, made funny by being taken out of context. Here's a few from recent issues: How sad to be in your 20's and already be in a rut. -- Paige Snider You're not extremely pitiful. At least no more than the rest of us. -- Don Walko So do they call [Hebrews] "Shebrews"? -- Maria Schwartz His mom is great! She's on the Internet! -- Mike Facello I don't know about C-sections! I'm a chemist, not a doctor! -- Steve Lee I don't care which bathroom we play in. -- Franklin Bodine It's not like the IRS which cheats you by law. -- Ken Cuffey He looks so cute when he's lost. -- Heather Minch You know it's got to be good if it comes from Ecclesiastes. -- Mattox Beckman I'd rather crash and die than let Steve beat me. -- Miki Nomura I thought being anal retentive was a Fruit of the Sprit. -- Steve Lee There's no reason to get excited when you can please them with chips and pop. -- Chis Hickey They asked me to speak, and you asked me to do food. What does that say? -- Jeff Yockey Matt, you would have made a good snake. -- Rich Martin It's one of those honest kinds of lies. -- Ian Chai He talks a lot about insane people. I really like him. -- Mattox Beckman Nepotism isn't always a bad thing. -- Chris Hisckey You know, you can get sued for quoting people without their permission. -- Alice France God bless, Ian ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Nov 1994 13:06:15 -0500 From: Lee Bradley Subject: Another dig at Poor Hilary A devoted Democrat, I would not want to pillory Hilary, but the joke is good, even if it's misdirected politically. A man was walking on the beach when he found a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, uncorked it and out popped a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you one wish for freeing me!" The man says, "My one fantasy has always been to have three women in my bed!" The genie says, "Your wish has been granted." The man runs home and finds Tonya Harding, Lorena Bobbit, and Hillary Clinton waiting in his bed. The man thinks to himself, "This isn't quite what I imagined, but, still, I'll have a go at it." When he wakes up the next morning, he finds himself with a broken kneecap, no manhood, and no health care. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Nov 1994 14:07:25 -0500 From: "" Subject: The Ballad of the Bobbit Hillbillies The Ballad of the Bobbit Hillbillies (Sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies") This here's a story 'bout a man named John, a poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone, It seems one night after gettin' with the wife, she lopped off his schlong with a swip of the knife. Penis, that is, Little buddy, severed, Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side, and Lorena's in the car taking "willie" for a ride, She soon got tired of her purple headed friend, and tossed him out the window as she rounded the bend. Curve, that is, Once hung, now flung, She went to the cops and confessed to the attack, they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back, They sniffed and they barked and pointed "Over There", to John Wayne's henry that was waiving in the air, Found, that is, By a fence, evidence, Now the peter and John couldn't stay apart too long, and a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix your dong", "A needle and thread is just the thing I need", Then the world held its breath till they heard that Johnny peed. Wizzed, that is, Stitched seam, straight stream, Well, he healed and he hardened, and he took his case to court, with a cocked-eyed lawyer, since his assets came up short. They cleared her of assault, and acquitted him of rape, and his pecker was the one thing they didn't show on tape. Video, that is, Unexposed, case closed. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Nov 1994 17:44:50 GMT From: Ed Lambert Subject: In the News - Political, off to lawyers, royalty, OJ, Old fighters In the News - Excerpts from the LA Times There's a brighter side to the attack on the White House last Saturday. At least now when President Clinton runs for reeletion, he can say he's had combat experience. Mike Huffington says that interviewing a nanny is the most important interview you will ever have in your entire life. I'd like to bet his upcoming interview with the INS ranks up there pretty high... Killer bees have landed in a California prison. Gov. Pete Wilson says the bees prove he's tough on crime, and that under Kathleen Brown, inmates would have gotten off with tsetse flies. Pricne Charles conferred an honorary British order on actress Angela Lansbury during his stay here in Los Angeles. He then asked if she'd help him find out who murdered his reputation. While here, he also attended a screening of Mary Shelly's Frankenstein. He said he could relate to it. A guy creates a monster and then it turns on him. Prince Charles and Princess Diana have finally worked out a child custody agreement. His servants get the kids three days a week, and her servants get them four days a week. Judge Lance Ito is looking to sequester jurors somewhere with exercise facilities during the upcoming OJ Simpson trial. If he wants a place with a weight room, pool and tennis court, why doesn't he just use OJ's house? Daylight Saving Time ended this last weekend. A strange thing happened. When I set my OJ SImpson watch back an hour, I gained an hour I can't seem to account for. Ted Kennedy's campaign spending is unprecidented. Of coarse, he gets $2 million of that back when he returns the empties... The trial of alleged Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss will focus on what makes people prostitute themsleves for money. But, enough about her lawyers. Nancy Reagan called Ollie North a liar. Ronald Reagan added, "Ollie was never the same after he broke up with Stan." George Foreman will be fighting once again for the world heavyweight championship. The 15 round match at Las Vegas will be sanctioned by the WBA, the IBF and tha AARP. For the first time in Nevada boxing history, the weigh in will include a free prostate screening. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Nov 1994 16:28:33 -0500 From: "Mr. Pulaski" Subject: everybody SING! Got this off a bbboard and it sounded it pretty funny! Never have seen it on the list, yet!? Sorry if you have! --Brent ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Wed, 02 Nov 94 07:13:51 GMT From: Steven Cavanagh Subject: everybody SING! My third effort. This one had to wait until I could get hold of all of the real lyrics. Anyway, put on those multicoloured big fluffy sleeves and grab some maracas and shake around a lot with me. IN THE CANTINA (To Barry Manilow's "Copacabana") -- His name was Solo, he was a smuggler He flew the Falcon everywhere, with a two-metre lump of hair he was in trouble, he owed to Jabba he had to fix his credit flow, so there was just one place to go a wretched hive, you see of scum and villany The cantina in Mos Eisley was his destiny! It was Solo, in the cantina the beer, it don't come any greener here with Solo, in the cantina music and blasters and Sullustan pastas here with Solo! He was in luck.. His name was Greedo, he wore a blaster. He'd used it all across the land, and now he had it in his hand. and he was waiting, waiting for Solo when a commotion to his right looked like an entertaining fight 'Cause Doctor Evezan wanted to do Luke in But Kenobi pulled out a saber, and he lost a limb! Here with Solo, in the cantina it was when Luke was such a wiener here with Solo, in the cantina music and Wookiees and Rodian cookies here with Solo! There was some blood.. So later Greedo ran into Solo poor Solo had nowhere to run, 'cause he was looking down a gun and Greedo pushed him, back to the table where Solo said he had a stash, and Greedo asked him for the cash But Solo's gun went blam and Greedo's head went slam then Solo got up and left the table, left for Alderaan! Here with Solo, in the cantina you'll find every wierd Tattooiner here with Solo, in the cantina liquids distilling and infrequent killing here with Solo! come try your luck.. -- :-) Cav. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Nov 1994 to 5 Nov 1994 **********************************************