There are 15 messages totalling 486 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Current events, Peace talks 2. UK Democracy 3. Lancaster Co. (PA) Town Names 4. Life's Little Truths (Part 30) 5. Eskimo/seal joke 6. The Gingrinch that stole Xmas 7. Farrakhan (off to fascists) 8. Another Cereal Killer 9. Dental Check; Offensive to Puritans 10. Life 6.T A collection of clean humor gathered on: 15 Jan 91 11. Boner Candidates, offensive to postmen, Tammy Fae Bakker, 12. Jeffrey Dahmer 13. A joke with some profanity 14. Deaf Humor 15. pun "FAQ" (clean) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 03:19:24 -0600 From: Spurlock Subject: Current events, Peace talks Former Vice President Dan Quayle has developed a blood clot in his lung, probably as a result of "immobility in the legs from prolonged plane trips", according to Dr. Homer Twigg, pulmonary specialist. Twigg also said that Quayle would be tested for other clots. I understand that when his doctors were ruling out cerebral clots, they X-rayed his head and found nothing. :-) ------------------------------------------- Commenting on Wednesday's murder of an Israeli soldier, Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin said, "We shall continue on the way to peace and fight those who oppose it." Excuse me? ------------------------------------------- Reading Rabin's statement, I was reminded of this item from Ross and Kathryn Petras' book, _The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said_: Why can't the Jews and the Arabs just sit down together and settle this like good Christians? --overheard during a congressional debate; also attributed to Arthur Balfour, British statesman, Prime Minister, and Foreign Secretary --shrEd-- ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 11:08:51 GMT From: Pete Laker Subject: UK Democracy Subject : UK Democracy ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Know what makes me laugh ? Recently, John Major reminded his MPs that if any of them voted against the government, they would no longer be considered as a candidate in the next General Election. Democracy ! Who neads it ? I'd ratherhave a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy. Later, Humor dudes ! Pete. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 06:11:24 -0500 From: "" Subject: Lancaster Co. (PA) Town Names After seeing the posts on yesterday's list about the Michigan city names, it remineded me of the names of a couple small towns in Lancaster County (famous for the Amish), here in Pennsylvania. Here are all of them that I can think of: Blue Ball, Paradise, Bird-In-Hand, Intercourse, Gap, Reamstown...and these are all in ONE county. There is also a saying about some of these towns that goes something like this -- "In order to get to Paradise you have to see Bird-In-Hand, enter Gap, then go through Intercourse without reaching Blue Ball." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 06:56:54 E From: Charlie Hill Subject: Life's Little Truths (Part 30) Army Law: If it moves, salute it; if it doesn't move, pick it up; if you can't pick it up, paint it. Ashley-Perry Statistical Axioms: 1) Numbers are tools, not rules. 2) Numbers are symbols for things; the number and the thing are not the same. 3) Skill in manipulating numbers is a talent, not evid ???? In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. As always, just ask and yee shall recieve the entire list of LLTs. c. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 07:07:31 CST From: Mike Tabat Subject: Eskimo/seal joke An eskimo takes his car to a repair shop to have the radiator repaired. The mechanic inspects the radiator and turns to the eskimo and says: "Looks like you've blown a seal." The eskimo then replies: "Oh no ... This is just frost on my mustache!" ------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What is an IUD? A. Love springs internal. (An UID is a birth control device) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 09:34:15 -0500 From: Adina Sobo Subject: The Gingrinch that stole Xmas By Mark D. Harmon ( journalism and broadcasting Prof. at Texas Tech University, Lubbock, Texas.) All the Whos down in Whoville took little note. Some listened to fear. Some didn't vote. Little did they know a Gingrinch did lurk. He'd been scheming for years to do evil work. The Whos were surprised, to find in everyone's house, a fat grinning rat dressed as a church mouse. "I'm the Gingrinch," he bleated. "You Whos must be told that hope's been defeated." The Whos looked around in shock and dismay. Who could have dreamed such a strange thing to say? The Gingrinch, however, took little heed. He had an agenda; it started with greed. The Gingrinch chortled and let out a hideous laugh. He bellowed and beckoned and brought out his staff. "This is Jesse, Strom, Alphonse, Henry, Bob, and Kay--we have so much contract work to do today. We intend to change Christmas, the whole Christmas season. We've got a new message; we've made a new reason." The Whos looked surprised at the motley rat crew, but the Gingrinch insisted they knew what to do. "Christmas now will mean so much more. Christmas now," Gingrinch sneered, "will mean blaming the poor." "It's their fault," he drooled, "that they face gloom and doom. If they had any sense, they'd come out of a different womb." The Who families held hands, grimaced and snuggled. They remembered how together they had worked and struggled. The Gingrinch, however, blabbed on unabated. He knew what he wanted; he knew who he hated. "This Head Start," the Gingrinch said very slow. "It teaches kids to think. It helps them to grow. This Head Start," he scowled, "is the first thing to go. Then abortion is next," dictated the Gingrinch, "but care for a child gets none of our worth. Life begins at conception and ends at birth." Then he took away job training, food stamps, and student loans. He heard all the pain; the Gingrinch liked to hear groans. "Now let's give to the rich; they've got it already. It keeps my campaign contributions rolling in steady. And I'm tough on crime, that's what I'm sellin'--excepting, of course, those poor S&L felons. Remember that I want to keep you all free. Let's start by making you pray like me." All the Whos now were praying the nightmare would end, but the Gingrinch kept planning to borrow and spend. With each falling snowflake, the Gingrinch grew bolder, and the Whos remembered his ideas were much older. "I want noise, lots of toys. Set my mind to race. I want tanks, bazookas, and lasers in space." The Gingrinch insisted, "Raid the pensions. Tax the poor. This voodoo will work, this time, I'm sure. Why I even dare to cut Medicare. I'll need all this loot, and we'll find a new enemy or my name isn't Newt!" That Christmas in Whoville tested the spirit of Yule. Few Whos could afford to pay Newt's private school. Holly cost dearly, so Who's sprinkled twigs with sage. Then Gingrinch abolished the minimum wage. Who children missed the animals that used to freely roam. The Gingrinch had sold off the parks they called home. Belching pipes now polluted the water and air. Sick and old couldn't pay for the simplest care. Yet on Christmas Eve as the stars shone through the haze, Whos ventured out with a determined gaze. They held hands and sung, "Who Who Hooray. Der flugel. Der flugel. Callou and callay. Welcome Christmas. Christmas Day. Bahoo Dore. Sing of cheer. Sing of whos far and near. Sing of whos no longer fearing. The Gingrinch is going, election day is nearing." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 08:55:45 PST From: John Kenny Subject: Farrakhan (off to fascists) Here is something out of the new MAD Magazine 12/94. Posted without Permission Sung to Santa Claus is Coming To Town You better be black You better be straight You better admit that Hitler was great Farrakhan is coming to town He wears a bow-tie He's got a real flare You shouldn't mess with his bodygurds there Farrakhan is coming to town You see that he mens business You see he's not a fake He's angry if you disagree So agree for Islam's sake At stirring up crowds He's surely a whiz He'll show you just what a demagogue is Farrakhan is coming to town! Hasta la vista! Juanathon ----- End Included Message ----- ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 11:18:10 CST From: Randy Venne Subject: Another Cereal Killer I know I am slow in reading my mail, but oh well. Awhile back I heard a similar cereal killer joke. In the Sheraton hotel in my home town a woman was found murdered. She was lying naked in a bathtub full of milk and slices of banana. Police believe it was done by a serial killer . It's better when spoken. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 13:27:05 EST From: Rich Hughes Subject: Dental Check; Offensive to Puritans Once again contemplating marriage, I'm reminded of a joke my first wife thought was "dumb". Take my word for it, that's very insulting to ANY joke. A couple, married for several years, was into the evenings ritual of preparing for bed. As so often happens, one was eagerly awaiting "lights out" while the other was trying to stall until "everybody" was tired. Eventually they're under the covers, in the dark, and his hand is gently placed on her shoulder in that special way. It gets shrugged off. Another attempt ends in a sharper shrug. Finally, he asks; "C'mon Hon, it shouldn't take loonnng ..." "Sorry, Dear, I've a Gynecologist appointment in the morning and don't want to get 'messy'", as she pulls away. He flops back to his side, with a petulant sigh, and pouts. A few moments later, however, his hand is back on her shoulder and she reacts, annoyed; "I thought I explained myself pretty clearly .." But he interrupts; "No, not that at all Hon, I was lying here thinking how considerate you are, and how well you take care of yourself, and me, and all the wonderful little things you do, and I couldn't help wondering if you have a Dentist appointment tomorrow, too?" BEFORE FLAMING!! Consider that this joke can be reworked to either point of view. Thank you, and good night. Rich Hughes hughes@pcmail.cti-pet.com ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 10:53:52 PST From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 6.T A collection of clean humor gathered on: 15 Jan 91 ---------------------------------------------------- POLICEMAN : "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night." MAN : "What's the charge?" POLICEMAN : "Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service. During an operatic concert at the Festival Hall, while the nervous soprano was fumbling her way noisily through her role in Don Giovanni, one man in the audience turned to his friend and whispered : "What do you think of this singer's execution?" "Oh, I'm all for it." was the reply. `You seem to be in some distress,' said the kindly judge to the witness. `Is anything the matter?' `Well, your Honour,' said the witness, `I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.' Quoted from Martin Snapp's election results in the Oakland Tribune: Politician with the most staying power: Judge Frank Ogden of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who was re-elected with 91 percent of the votes, despite the fact that he died three months ago. Moral: In Chicago, dead people vote. In Oklahoma, they get elected. ---------------------------------------------------- (Borrowed from an overhead slide used by a major workstation manufacturer) THE SOFTWARE DEVELOPMENT PROCESS 1) Order the T-shirts for the Development team 2) Announce availability 3) Write the code 4) Write the manual 5) Hire a Product Manager 6) Spec the software (writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications) 7) Ship 8) Test (the customers are a big help here) 9) Identify bugs as potential enhancements 10) Announce the upgrade program ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 11:29:57 -0700 From: David Cotton Subject: Boner Candidates, offensive to postmen, Tammy Fae Bakker, Newt Gingrich A local radio station has a segment known as the boner award of the day. I will be reporting these to this list unless someone protests. Todays candidates: 1) Postman Robert William Boggs Postman Boggs worked in the Washington D.C. area. He didn't really deliver mail there as he stored it in house. When officials raided his house they found thousands of pieces of mail stacked in his home. They also found 58 live birds and turtles, 30 dead birds and turtles, and large deposits of animal and human waste. 2) Newt Gingrich Newt has written a new book set in the 1940's war time titled: 1945. This quote from the book should explain his candidacy: "...suddenly the pouting sex kitten gave way to Diana the Huntress, she rolled onto him and was somehow sitting athwart his chest, her knees pinning his shoulders. "Tell me or I will make you do terrible things," she hissed. Later in the book the spy confesses to her: "We're making this new kind of bomb." 3) Tammy Fae Bakker In a recent interview Tammy revealed how she achieved some of those amazing hair she had. She glued hair to her head, she took apart some of her own wigs and glued them back on her head. Baker said, "It was a big mess though because I couldn't get the glue off. I used baby oil to melt it. I finally ended up with about one inch of my own hair. And the winner was: 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 The Postman Any spelling or punctuation errors are mine (after all I got this off a radio station) and I apologize. DavidCo@WordPerfect.com ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 11:16:05 -0800 From: "DNA: The splice of life" Subject: Jeffrey Dahmer Heard this on the radio the other morning. Apparently the man responsible for beating Jeffrey Dahmer to death has made a statement. He says it was never his intention to kill Dahmer......he only wanted to tenderize him:) ciao fer now mike ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 15:57:09 -0500 From: Keith Willauer Subject: A joke with some profanity Why are turds tapered? So your asshole doesn't slam shut. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 15:08:07 MST From: Phil Corless Subject: Deaf Humor From Reader's Digest: Because of my fluency in American Sign Language, I was hired to be a Santa Claus in mall. My employer wanted to provide deaf children with a Santa who could communicate with them. I sat for hours, performing for the children who came to visit. But none of them was deaf. Then, two girls approached shyly. One explained that her sister was deaf and could not speak. "What is your name?" I signed slowly. "J-A-S-M-I-N-E," she replied with her fingers, grinning from ear to ear. I was bubbling over with pride when I absent-mindedly signed, "My name is H-E-N-R-Y, nice to meet you." The startled child pulled back and furiously began signing, "I thought your name was Santa Claus!" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 22:36:59 -0600 From: Dan Ellison Subject: pun "FAQ" (clean) Extracts from alt.humor.pun "FAQ": WHAT IS A FAQ? Sorry, the answer to that is innapropriate for this newsgroup. Please see alt.sex. WHAT IS A "GOOD PUN"? There are two schools of thought regarding this; 1. There is no such thing as a "good pun" 2. Who cares? I always go by the old standby rule: The measure of the success of a pun is how loud people groan. You'll know that a pun is really "great" if, after telling it, someone throws you out a window. WHAT IS A "BAD PUN"? There are also two schools of thought regarding this; 1. The phrase "bad pun" is redundant. 2. The phrase "bad pun" is redundant. Though both are valid, I would tend to agree with the second of these two thesies. I HAVE A PUN, BUT IT IS SO COMMON, IT HAS PROBABLY BEEN POSTED HERE SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE. SHOULD I POST IT ANYWAY? Sure! The beauty of puns is, they don't get any less funny the fifth or sixth time you hear them! Some may say that this is because they were never funny in the first place, but those are cynics and scientists. And it is a well known fact that cynics and scientists work all day and never have any pun. WHAT IF I POST A PUN NOBODY LIKES? Then you will be ostracized. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? It means you will be put in a small room with a large bird and left there until it pecks you brains right out of your head. OH NO! WHAT WILL I DO THEN? Well, you'll feel slightly peckish for a few days, but after that you'll be back in business and ready to post on alt.humor.puns again! EVEN WITHOUT BRAINS? *Especially* without brains. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Dec 1994 to 2 Dec 1994 **********************************************