There are 12 messages totalling 421 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Suggestive Joke (offensive to women) 2. Clean - Flame reply 3. Dog Joke 4. look, it's the year of the coffee bean (poem) 5. Woman Joke 6. My Daddy has 2 of Them (Adult theme) 7. Laughter Rx (fwd) 8. 9. bobbit in India 10. Restaurant humor 11. 12. Humor: 50 ways to confuse your roommate...1 of 2... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 12:30:41 +0200 From: Altar Ariel Subject: Re: Suggestive Joke (offensive to women) On Thu, 1 Dec 1994, Keith Willauer wrote: > What is the definition of a perfect woman? > > Waist high with a flat head you can set your beer on. > Isn't she supposed to be without teeth as well? Some guys prefer them with large ears. (isn't the reason obvious?) ariel :-) ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 10:46:17 CST From: Charles Hightower Subject: Clean - Flame reply Found this in the bagpipe mailist I found it funny, anyway. Charles -------------------------- Odlin, When you attacked my knowledge of Delrin and polymers, specifics of which you couldn't hope to comprehend, I was gracious in reply. I would love to get into a spitting contest with you this time. You of coarse being The Pseudo Intellectual, Self Anointed High Priest of Plagiarized Opinions and Drivel. It is obvious though that you being retired, incarcerated or institutionalized have an infinite time advantage to sit and read Piping Times and borrow snappy phrases like "dog whistle chanters" etc.. I must therefor formally yield to your superior ability to bore me to death. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 14:33:14 EST From: John Norborne Doyle Subject: Dog Joke One time there were these two drunk guys in a bar and they see a dog in the corner licking it'self in the balls. The first drunk guy looks at the second and says "I sure wish that I could do that." The second drunk guy looks at the first and says "Well, you probably could. But I bet you'd have to pet him first." **************************************************************** *** Happy Holidays from John Norborne Doyle *** *** E-Mail: zjd1@etsu.east-tenn-st.edu (Primary Address) *** *** zjd1@etsu.bitnet (Secondary Address) *** *** jdoyle@grex.cyberspace.org (Secondary Address) *** **************************************************************** ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 14:31:04 EST From: KEITH E SULLIVAN Subject: look, it's the year of the coffee bean (poem) -- [ From: Keith E. Sullivan * EMC.Ver #2.10P ] -- This is a little poem I wrote a few years ago while I was still in college. look it's the year of the coffee bean l--k it's already one a.m. the concert was great but i have an exam tomorrow at eight three cups of maxwell house lOOk it's the year of the coffee bean l--k it's already two a.m. i've now seen casablanca nine or ten times but i have a paper that's due in philosophy by two four cups of folgers lOOk it's the year of the coffee bean l--k it's already three a.m. the prom was supreme i had a date with the queen and the lights of the city were the brightest i've seen but i have a final tomorrow in government at two five cups of french roast lOOk it's the year of the coffee bean l--k i've studied all night and most of the morn it's time for the tezzzzzzzzz l--k it's the year of the coffee bean Copyright(c) 1984 by Keith E. Sullivan ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 15:01:37 EST From: John Norborne Doyle Subject: Woman Joke What's the difference between a woman and a toilet seat? - The toilet seat won't follow you around for days after you use it once. **************************************************************** *** Happy Holidays from John Norborne Doyle *** *** E-Mail: zjd1@etsu.east-tenn-st.edu (Primary Address) *** *** zjd1@etsu.bitnet (Secondary Address) *** *** jdoyle@grex.cyberspace.org (Secondary Address) *** **************************************************************** ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 15:53:31 -0500 From: Corey Wetzel Subject: My Daddy has 2 of Them (Adult theme) During a review of anatomy one day the teacher was pointing to parts of the body on a diagram and would ask the class to identify the parts. While reviewing the reproductive organs the teacher pointed to an area of the female and asked the class what the area was called. Sally raised her hand and, when called on by the teacher, replied "That is a vagina, teacher." "Very good, Sally. Now who can tell me what this is?" said the teacher pointing to the male sex organ. Little Johnnie's hand was the only one to go up, but the teacher didn't really want to call on him because in the past little Johnnie had been somewhat less than polite with his anatomical names. The teacher waited a moment, but still no other hands, so she called on Johnnie, warning him first "Go ahead Johnnie, but watch what you say." Little Johnnie replied "That's a penis, teacher." "Very good, Johnnie," the teacher replied. "Yep, that's a penis all right, and my Daddy has TWO of them!" Johnnie said. "No Johnnie, I think you're mistaken," responded the shocked teacher. "Oh no I'm not," said Johnnie. "My Daddy has one about this long (holding his hands about 4-5" apart) that he goes to the bathroom with, and one about this long (holding his hands about 9-10" apart) that he brushes Mommy's teeth with!" ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 16:51:23 -0500 From: The Skeptic Subject: Laughter Rx (fwd) Why is it good to laugh? Besides making you feel happier it also has astonishing health benefits. According to "Everyday Health Tips" by the editors of Prevention Magazine (Rodale Press, 1988), a good laugh changes blood pressure (first it rises sharply during laughter, but lowers BELOW the starting point afterwards). It reduces muscle tension, improves digestion and--if you laugh until you cry--can release tears that contain bacteria-killing agents. Cathy Perlmutter (contributor for this book's "Laughter is Good Medicine" chapter) also pointed out several off-beat ways to add laughter to your life such as taking a "laugh break" during the day. Either listening to vintage comics on tape or reading favorite humor books for a good laugh three or four times a day will lift you out of the dumps. Start looking for funny happenings in your life and what you read in the news. Find a funny friend. "One man told me that Rodney Dangerfield was his favorite funny guy," said Dr. Goodman. "Whenever things got tough, he would say to himself, one of Dangerfield's better lines: 'Look out for number one, and don't step on number two' to see him through tough situations. Dr.Joel Goodman is a laughter expert, director of The HUMOR Project at the Saratoga Institute (in Saratoga Springs, NY) and editor of "Laughing Matters" magazine. He highly recommended internalizing your funny friend's view point into your own life. "Use that person as an 'internal ally'. The next time the going gets rough, ask yourself the following questions: 'How would this person see this situation I'm in? What would this person do or say if he or she were in my shoes?'", said Dr. Goodman. The good doctor tries to take his work seriously, but himself lightly. One last exercise he suggested is a one-minute sketch of something that is causing you stress (but first close your eyes and draw with your wrong hand). Invariblely, when you open your eyes and smile at the result. So crack a smile today, Sandy Cowling Aditya Mishra ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 17:20:11 -0500 From: The Skeptic Subject: STATE SECRETS: Japan's parliament may open up their extensive collection of pornography for public viewing. The collection includes examples of books and magazines that were declared obscene and banned from circulation. A National Diet Library spokesman said the collection could be used by social scientists studying the evolution of Japan's public morals. (Reuter) ...It will also do more to boost library usage than any plan yet conceived. CRASH COURSE: New York City police officers will be required to take new driver safety courses after being involved in more than 3300 accidents last year. Most of the accidents occurred during routine driving, not on lights-and-siren emergency calls. 1230 officers were injured in traffic accidents last year; only 20 were wounded by gunfire. (AP) ...Easy: just leave the siren on all the time. ROYAL VISIT: To drunken 17-year-old boys from Eton school who wanted to meet the queen triggered a security alert when they climbed the wall and staggered onto the grounds of Windsor Castle. Police released them back to the school, where Prince William is expected to go to school soon. (Reuter) ...In England, weirdos try to slip into the queen's bedroom for a friendly chat. In the U.S., they pepper the White House with assault rifles. BOGUS BAGMEN: Sheriff deputies in Ocala, Fla., thought they had a good thing going. They set up a fake law firm and sent letters to fugitives, saying they qualified for cash settlements from a class- action lawsuit. They intended to arrest the bad guys when they came in to collect, but when an attorney informed the sheriff that impersonation of a lawyer is a crime in Florida, the sting operation was called off. (AP) ...It wouldn't have worked anyway: bad guys know you never get anything for free from lawyers. THERE GOES MY KNIGHTHOOD: "Ceremonial Sword Stolen from Windsor Castle" -- Reuter headline ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 17:21:15 -0500 From: The Skeptic Subject: bobbit in India Date: Fri, 02 Dec 94 09:19:41 EST From: Kashi R Bilwakesh Subject: Lorena in India ?? I saw the following item in a recent edition of the India News in the network. =========== BOBBITISED' MLA PUTS LALOO IN A TIGHT SPOT PATNA - Mr Yogendra Narain Sardar, the Janata Dal MLA who represents the Chatapur reserved constituency in Supaul dist, is the latest to join the list of Bihar politicians of dubious character. The 'Bobbitised' legislator, the main accused in a rape case, after reportedly remaining in a Patna nursing home for about 4 days has evaded arrest and is believed to have escaped to Nepal. ============= Bobbitised ?? Do they really mean what I think they mean ?? Wow !! Hooray Lorena ! Make a few more clones of yourself and send them to India. They ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 17:20:42 -0500 From: Keith Willauer Subject: Restaurant humor Some laws of the kitchen: People who order filet mignon well done will not be able to tell if it was microwaved. If you did a lot of prep, it will be a slow night. If you did no prep, it will be busy. The customers who walk in right before closing will order the dish which is most difficult to prepare. The spoiled, screaming brat will always sit in your section and make a mess. The parents will express their sympathy by leaving a 10% tip. The manager trying to tell you what to do during a slam is unaware that he is getting in the way and would be more helpful if he sat in the office doing paperwork. In a redneck area, medium and well are the same thing. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Dec 1994 12:20:58 JST From: Mike Mcmurray Subject: Twas the night before Chirstmas And all through the house Everybody felt crappy Even the mouse, Mom at the whorehouse And dad smoking grass I'd just settled down For a nice piece of Ass, When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter I sprung from my piece To see what was the matter, Then out on the lawn I saw a big d*** I knew in a moment It must be Saint Nick, He came down the chimney Like a bat out of hell I knew in a moment The sucker had fell, He filled all our stockings With pretzels and beer And a big rubber d*** For my brother the queer, He rose up the chimney With a thunderous fart The son of B**** Blew the chimney apart, He swore and he cursed As he road out of sight Piss on you all And have a Hell of a Night! ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 22:26:44 -0400 From: JBologna James Bologna Subject: Humor: 50 ways to confuse your roommate...1 of 2... 50 WAYS TO CONFUSE YOUR ROOMMATE (Part I) "By Brian and Andy" 1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally. 2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class. 3. Twitch a lot. 4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep. 5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them. 6. Become a subgenius. 7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG. 8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin. 9. Speak in tongues. 10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything he owns to the ceiling. 11. Walk and talk backwards. 12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them. 13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye." 14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly. 15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench). 16. Collect all your urine in a small jug. 17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food. 18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are. 19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks." 20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them. 21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened. 22. Eat glass. 23. Smoke ballpoint pens. 24. Smile. All the time. 25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Dec 1994 to 4 Dec 1994 **********************************************