There are 17 messages totalling 617 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Histoires de begues, d'ivrognes, de chasseurs... (fwd) 2. classes for men 3. BLIND JOKE 4. justin 5. FWD: Microsoft to shoot those who know when Win95 will be released! 6. Newfies 7. Yo Mama (offensive to Little Rascals) 8. Mildly suggestive joke 9. pun (fwd) 10. released! 11. STTNG Humor for XMAS 12. Election to DC ANC (offensive: sexual, innuendo) 13. Convience Stores 14. More Bill Gates humor (fwd) 15. Problems with the list 16. Political appointee 17. MD's office ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 6 Dec 1994 00:59:42 -0500 From: Grady Lacy Subject: Histoires de begues, d'ivrognes, de chasseurs... (fwd) A joke sent by David Babineau via a French language humor list Ivrogne: "Comment on se sent, papa, quand on est ivre?" "Papa, how do you feel when you're drunk? "Ch'est pas complllique, t-tu vois les deux pppoteaux la-bas? Si tu etais ivre, ttt'en verrais qqquatre!" "Ish not compulkated, you shee 'em two posts over 'ere? If you 'uz drunk, you'd shee four!" "Ben p'pa, je n'en vois qu'un!" "Well, papa, I only see one!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Dec 1994 21:10:23 JST From: mike mcmurray Subject: classes for men Classes for Men Once again, the female staff will be offering courses to men of all marital status. Please note the name of some courses have been changed. Attendance in at least 15 of the following courses listed below is mandatory! 1. Combating stupidity 2. You can do housework to 3. PMS-learn when to keep your mouth shut 4. How to fill an ice tray 5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas...give us money 6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 3A.M. 7. Laundry techniques(formally called, RdonUt was my silksS) 8. Parenting-no, it doesnUt end with conception 9. Get a life-learn to cook 10. How not to act like an asshole when youUre obviously wrong 11. Spelling-even you can get it right 12. You-the weaker sex 13. Reasons to give flowers 14. How to stay awake after sex 15. Why itUs unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the washroom 16. Garbage-getting it to the curb 17. You can fall asleep without-if you really try 18. The morning dilemma: if itUs awake, take a shower 19. IUll wear it if I damn well please 20. How to put the toilet seat down(formally called Rno, itUs not a bidetS) 21. Give me a break-why we know your excuses are bullshit 22. The weekend and sports are not synonymous 23. How to go shopping with your mate without getting lost 24. The remote control-overcoming your dependency 25. Romanticism-other ideas besides sex 26. Helpful posture-hints for couch potatoes 27. Changing your underwear-it really works 28. How not to act younger than your children 29. You too can be a designated driver 30. Male bonding-leaving your friends at home 31. Honest, you donUt look like Mel Gibson-especially when naked 32. The attainable goal-omitting R@#*%!!S from your vocabulary 33. Fluffing the blankets after farting is not necessary Please register immediately, as these courses are in great demand! ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Dec 1994 08:01:57 EST From: AMY ALLISON Subject: BLIND JOKE A blind man walks into a department store led by his Seeing-eye dog. The dog leads him to the men's wear and the man proceeds to pick the dog up by his leash and swing him around and around over his head. A salesperson, startled by the spectacle, hurries over and asks the man if there is anything that he/she could do for him. The blind man replies, "No thank you, I'm just looking around.":)= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Dec 1994 10:21:37 -0500 From: The Skeptic Subject: justin I am forwarding this message in the hope you will enjoy it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ALL ABOARD: The astronauts aboard the U.S. space shuttle Atlantis were in space during the recent national election. During an on-orbit press conference, a reporter asked if the astronauts had voted: all six raised their hands that they had cast absentee ballots before their launch -- including the French astronaut who was on board. Oops -- "team spirit," said Jean-Francois Clervoy, when asked about his raised hand. (Reuter) ...That's nothing, when you consider all the dead people who voted this year. EARTHLY DELIGHTS: Michael Baughen, 64, is the Bishop of Chester (England). He and his wife, Myrtle, recently published their book, "Your Marriage," which distills their advice from their own 38-year marriage. But most readers seem to be skipping around: "Everyone seems to have picked up on the bits about sex. We are most amused," the Bishop said. "Our Flesh," the chapter on sex, suggests couples try varying sexual positions and make an effort to have fun: "After all, God meant us to enjoy sex. He made us the way we are and gave us the parts," the book says. (Reuter) ...You mean, there's a reason my arms are this long? CHOLESTEROL COPS: Virginia Hudgins of Norfolk, Va., has been charged with animal neglect. It seems Pinkie Starlight, her Vietnamese potbellied pig, weighs about 200 lbs., not the normal 65-100 lbs. the breed should weigh. Police department humane officer Mark Kumpf noted the pig's belly scrapes the ground when it stands, and is so fat that her brow covers her eyes. Hudgins faces a $2,500 fine and a year in jail. (AP) ...And no bacon for two years. RUMORS GREATLY EXAGGERATED: Britain's Queen Mother is not dead. The BBC accidentally flashed a notice of the royal's demise for 30 seconds until realizing its mistake. "For a matter of seconds, a line from a rehearsal script was carried," a BBC spokesman said. "We apologize for any distress it may have caused." (Reuter) ...I'm sure it's comforting for her to know that the BBC is rehearsing for the event. I'LL SEE YOU AFTER CLASS: The American Civil Liberties Union is looking into complaints that Pittsburgh's Hollidaysburg Area Senior High School is requiring students to shower after gym classes. "I'm kind of overweight," one recent female graduate complained. "For the government to compel you to expose your body they must have a compelling reason," an ACLU spokesman said. (AP) ...Gym: from the Greek gumnos, which means "naked". So the students shouldn't have to shower in the nude, but properly, they should exercise that way. THANK YOU FOR CALLING: A new study released by Northwestern University suggests that one reason for the increase in multiple murders is that people are angry over the increased use of automated customer service devices by businesses such as law firms. "Companies are saving money, but at a price," one of the researchers reasoned. (Newsweek) ...If voice processing really pisses you off, press 7. MIND YOUR GRAMMARS: Moorpark (Calif.) College English professor Michael Strumpf got so irritated at people's poor grammar that he started a hotline to provide advice, and also teaches local sheriff deputies how to write investigative cases that will better stand up in court. "Just a simple semicolon can make the difference between guilt and innocence," Strumpf said, retelling a story when it actually did. He also recently corrected a speaker at an event who had suggested a guest "may want a momento of your visit here." "We don't have a word `momento,'" Strumpf harrumphed. "The word is `memento.'" (AP) ...Strumpf, n., hallowed patron saint of writers --TJI Dictionary. HOW CONVENIENT: Liam Cosgrave, 68, a Catholic priest, was found dead last week at the Incognito Club, a gay sauna club in downtown Dublin. Luckily for his eternal soul, one of the two other priests that also happened to be at the club at the time administered the Last Rites to the fallen, naked man. One newspaper report said the priest suffered a heart attack while watching pornographic movies. (UPI) ...Uh, yes: all of us stand by here just in case we're needed. Yeah, that's it. STOP IT OR I'LL SUE YOU: U.S. District Court Judge John P. Fullam has ordered that Brenda Butler Bryant stop suing people until she either hires a lawyer to represent her or finds a doctor who will certify her mental competence. The Philadelphia judge noted that her more than 700 hand-written suits contained no complete sentences and were filled with "incomprehensible rubbish," such as "Slavemaster Service, B/S Wholesale Club, Lane Bryant, Negro Services, BBB/KKK/LLL-Linda Lovelace/AAA." (AP) ...Oh yeah? Well EMS/iDiot/,?booger-booger yamma cooties! HE'LL JUST DIG HIS WAY OUT: "Former NATO Mole Given 12 Years" -- AP headline OUT OF SERVICE: Last week, a misconfigured mail handler at one of the sites that receives TJI sent a "bounce" message that was propagated to the entire list. My complaint to the site's postmaster was ignored, so the site has been banned from TJI's list until I receive assurances that it has been set up properly. I've also complained to Netcom that it was possible in the first place; they are looking into it. My apologies for the confusion, especially to the people who pay to receive their e-mail. Finally, this note: happy birthday, Curt! TO RECEIVE "THIS JUST IN" every week FREE by e-mail, send e-mail to listserv@netcom.com with a one-line message: "subscribe this-just-in" (without quotes) -- and, please, nothing else on the line. Contact this-just-in-approval@netcom.com if you need help. Comments are welcome: e-mail arcie@netcom.com or write Freelance Communications, PO Box 1895, Upland CA 91785-1895 USA, fax 818 791-0405. **************************************************************************** Aditya Mishra | The opinions expressed herein Phone/FAX 305-746-0442 (Please leave message)| are absolutely not immutable email: z900672a@bcfreenet.seflin.lib.fl.us | and may have changed by the (Please excuse for the extra long address)| time you read them due to the Prodigy: TVDS96A | better data or understanding. **************************************************************************** ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Dec 1994 10:13:00 EST From: Jeff Guinzburg Subject: FWD: Microsoft to shoot those who know when Win95 will be released! MHS: Source date is: 6-Dec-94 10:12 EDT On 5 Dec 1994 at 11:11, Holzleitner, Peter (pholzleitner@unvienna.iaea.or.at) wrote: Quoting http://www.microsoft.com/pages/peropsys/win_news/ chicago/ms-www/ms-intro.htm: " Here you will find the latest and greatest information on Microsoft's Windows 95 project. Windows 95, the newest member of the Windows family, is due to release... well - we could tell you, but then we'd have to shoot you. Anyway, check this out to find out how the latest breaking news on this exciting technology. " Maybe *that's* why Win95 is delayed - if they shoot everyone who knows the release date ... Would also explain why Bill keeps his mouth shut about the date - he wouldn't want to know! Go ahead, I dare you to look it up! Best Regards, Jeff. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Dec 1994 11:43:10 EST5EDT From: Wayne Wood Subject: Newfies Thanks to David Babineau for finally posting some Newfie jokes. Here's more. ** Did you hear about the Newfie nympho who bought a vibrator? She broke all her teeth. ** Two Newfies spent the day duck hunting. To their dismay, they were at it all day, from dawn to dusk, without a single duck to show for their efforts. Trying to figure out what went wrong, one of the Newfies suggested : "maybe we weren't throwing the dog high enough."! ** Just to show you I love Newfies and their lively and colorful culture, here's one for them: Why don't Newfies suffer from hemmorhoids? Because all the asses are on the mainland. ** Wayne From the mainland ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Dec 1994 12:11:54 EST From: Temporary Drafter Subject: Yo Mama (offensive to Little Rascals) A few more "Your Mama" jokes: I saw your mama kicking a tin can down the street. I asked her what she was doing, and she said "moving". Your mama has so much hair under her arms, she looks like she's got Buckwheat in a headlock. Cheers, JeremyP. ps- if anyone has some ascii art, please mail me a copy. DON'T POST TO HUMOR!!!! ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Dec 1994 12:33:01 -0500 From: Keith Willauer Subject: Mildly suggestive joke A young sailor is on his first shore leave in Bangkok. His buddies decide to fix him up at a whorehouse after a night on the town. They arrive at a local brothel, where the madam is quite familiar with American servicemen on leave looking for a good time. He is escorted to a room where a young, flexible Asian waits for him. She quickly removes his shirt and unbuttons his pants, then she takes off all of her clothes and throws herself on the bed. The young sailor is somewhat taken aback by the speed of events, and is even more startled when she points to a pile of straps and chains on the dresser and moans the word 'bondage'. The sailor is totally clueless about S & M, and he backs up and leaves the room to find his buddies. He gets downstairs, where his friends see him and ask him why it only took 5 minutes. He replied "Oh, nothing happened - all these years and I've never known how to tie a Thai." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Dec 1994 13:31:09 -0600 From: Christopher Hawk Subject: pun (fwd) Taken without permission from a "joke" newsgroup from Heartland Resource Network: ***** Subject: New cafe?... Posted-By: modaa (Moderator Baby Sig 1) Did you hear about the new restaurant legendary basketball player Kareem Abdul-Jabaar is rumoured to open soon? He plans to have hockey player Scott Coffey and the two leg- endary boxers, Sugar Ray and Sugar...something, (I forget the name! :) Sorry!), collaborate with him to get the rest- aurant opened. It'll be called, "Coffey with Kareem and Two Sugars." :) That's all, folks! ***** Oohhh! Sorry.... ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Dec 1994 12:20:00 EST From: Jeff Guinzburg Subject: Re: released! MHS: Source date is: 6-Dec-94 12:20 EDT FORWARDED MESSAGE from Jeff Guinzburg (JEFF%ISINT@MCIMAIL.COM) at 94/12/06 10:13... JG> Maybe *that's* why Win95 is delayed - if they shoot everyone JG> who knows the release date ... ***** NOTES from Jeff Guinzburg (JEFF @ ISI) at 94/12/06 12:15 Sorry about the subject on that - it should have been: "FWD: Microsoft to shoot those who know when Win95 will be released!" Best Regards, Jeff. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Dec 1994 13:17:00 -0700 From: David Cotton Subject: STTNG Humor for XMAS Twas the Night before Star Trek... ----------------------------------------- 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip; The phasers were hung in the armoury securely, In hope that no alien would get up that early. The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks (Except for the few who were partying drunks); And Picard in his nightshirt, and Bev in her lace, Had just settled down for a neat face to face... When out in the hall there arose such a racket, That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pant and jacket. Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun, Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly "Deck One!" The bridge red-alert lights, which flashed through the din, Gave a lustre of Hades to objects within. When, what on the viewscreen, our eyes should behold, But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old. But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew, That we knew in a moment it had to be Q. His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came. Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name: "It's Riker, It's Data, It's Worf and Jean-Luc! It's Geordi, And Wesley, the genetic fluke! To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall! Now float away! Float away! Float away all!" As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street, So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet, And up to the ceiling, our bodies they flew, As the captain called out, "What the Hell is this, Q?!" The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin, And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again. As we took in our plight, and were looking around, The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground. Then Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe, Appeared once again, to continue the show. "That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!" And Riker said, "Worf, take aim at this dunce!" "I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc" replied Q, "I just wanted to celebrate Christmas with you." As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack. He dumped out the contents and took a step back. "I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere. There's something delightful for everyone here." He sat on the floor, and dug into his pile, And handed out gifts with his most charming smile: "For Counsellor Troi, there's no need to explain. Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain. For Worf I've some mints, as his breath's not too great, And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date." For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-plus; For Data, a joke book, For Riker a truss. For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie, And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of just seeing her that way." And he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space. But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Dec 1994 17:32:59 -0500 From: Paul Robinson Subject: Election to DC ANC (offensive: sexual, innuendo) From: Paul Robinson Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA ----- It's been reported that David Morris, president of Gays and Lesbians for Individual Liberty (GLIL), was elected on Tuesday to Advisory Neighborhood Commission 2F in Washington, D.C. He got 53.6% of the vote against the incumbent's 44%. The ANC is essentially a complaint department for some of the people of DC; the ANC has no power to introduce legislation, the council and mayor can ignore the ANC members even if the entire group was to meet and vote _nemine contradicente_ for or against something 100% while in opposition to the council, and they are not paid for their participation. Since the ANC is nothing but dead wood, it is appropriate for some faggot to run for ANC commissioner, but since he only got 54% of the vote, next time he should run in the area of DC's Dupont Circle where the homosexual community hangs out, that way he'd get much higher penetration of the voting populace! This is appropriate for someone like this, because since the ANC really has no effective power, all they can be is a pain in the ass! ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Dec 1994 19:23:15 -0500 From: "MARK A. ADAMS" Subject: Convience Stores This one's been around for a while: Have you heard that A&P and Stop and Shop are going to combine? They are going to call the new store Stop and P... Sorry... ps. (For thoes who don't know, A&P and Stop and Shop are convience store chains.) ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Dec 1994 19:01:41 -0500 From: Arthur Emerson III Subject: More Bill Gates humor (fwd) I received this back a few days ago, as an in-house response to a post to HUMOR on November 10 re: Bill Gates: > > Bill Gates - the Devil??? > > > >From an article in a local forum: > > "...there's a whole lot of people who suspect Billy Gates is in fact > > the new Antichrist, and there's lots of evidence (sort of) to support it. > > If you convert Bills name to ASCII numbers and see what happens: > > > > B I L L G A T E S 3 (The third) > > 66+ 73+ 76+ 76+ 71+ 65+ 84+ 69+ 83+ 3 = 666!!! " > > > > Only one problem with this part of the theory: The ASCII decimal equiv. of > "3" is not 3, but 33. Is it not? 696 isn't much to fear. In fact, it's > the actual release date for Windows 95. (Obviously the author of the above used a Pentium PC to calculate, as ASCII "3" is really 51, giving us 714, which is really the number of disks that will be in the new package.) [Signature omitted to avoid the hail of bullets for spilling the secret.] ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Dec 1994 20:26:20 EST From: Bill Subject: Problems with the list This being December, and the holiday season here or coming up, some of you are getting mail bounced back to this account because (1) your mailbox is full, (2) your account is closed (3) Something else. In one day, I got over 100 messages from mailers complaining about invalid addresses, overflowing mailboxes, and a partridge in a pear tree. :) If you won't be draining your mailbox regularly, change your reception of the Humor list to NOMAIL by mailing the following command: SET HUMOR NOMAIL Mail that command to: LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thank you, Paul Robinson For Bill Edwards, Humor List -------- PS: Oh, yes the rule that all messages to Humor have humor in them applies here to me also, so here goes: I dislike puns; many are in bad taste and most of them are groaners, they often aren't very funny. Short ones aren't very punny atall. Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu) ===================================================================== To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUB HUMOR Call- name FamilyName. A command goes in the 1st line of the message field. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Dec 1994 20:52:11 -0600 From: Ian Chai Subject: Political appointee Political cartoon (Ramirez) in the Champaign-Urbana News-Gazette 12/5/94, Bill Clinton speaking: Some of my critics have said that I'm incapable f being commander in chief... To them I say, I'm perfectly capable of exercising all ofmy duties as President of the United States... Even those duties that I may be reluctant to do. Duties that may endanger American lives... For einstance, I may have to appoint a U.S. emmisary to an extremely dangerous, perhaps *suicidal* Bonian peace mission... I appoint Jesse Helms. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Dec 1994 23:08:06 -0500 From: Lee Bradley Subject: MD's office A young couple are escorted by the nurse into the doctor's examination room. After about five minutes, the doctor enters, turns to the young woman: "If you are ill, please take off your clothes so that I can examine you." However, the young woman hesitates and casts some questioning glances at the guy. "Come now, madam," says the doctor, "take off your clothes. I'm a doctor; there's no need for prudery here." The woman begins to tremble and then breaks into tears. Nonplused, the doctor asks, "What on earth is the matter with your wife?" "She's not my wife," answers the young man. We just met when your nurse asked us both to come in here." Un gars et une bonne femme entrent dans le cabinet du medecin. Celui-ci, se tournant vers la dame, lui dit: --Si vous etes malade, deshabillez-vous, je vous prie. Mais la fille fait des manieres. Elle a des reticences. Elle regarde le gars par en dessous. Alors le medecin repete: --Mais enfin, madame, deshabillez-vous! Je suis medecin. La pudeur n'est pas de mise ici! Alors elle se met a gigoter et tout d'un coup, elle fond en larmes. Decontenance, le medecin demande au gars: --Qu'est-ce qu'elle a, votre femme? Elle est toujours aussi nerveuse? --Je ne sais pas, dit l'autre. Je viens juste de faire sa connaissance dans votre salle d'attente ... Negre, Herve. Dictionnaire des histoires droles. Paris: Feyard (Editions Livre de Poche). 1973. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Dec 1994 to 6 Dec 1994 **********************************************