There are 13 messages totalling 691 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Bastard Operator From Hell Part 2 of 14 >Nastiness, Language< 2. Fwd: Space Cadets (poss. offensive to New Age) 3. Stupid Public Statements 4. Liars 5. A thought to ponder 6. How Bad is Your Job? (a checklist) 7. Movie cliches Part Four 8. What happened in '94, pt. 1 9. Anecdote and 2 lawsuit causes 10. New Scientific Discovery 11. Disturbing Christmas Trends 12. Bless You 13. Hetero Monogamous Male qz/org in ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 2 Jan 1995 01:02:43 -0500 From: Timothy Abicht Subject: Bastard Operator From Hell Part 2 of 14 >Nastiness, Language< Written by: Simon Paul Travaglia, Computer Services, University of Waikato Hamilton, New Zealand. spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #2 I'm sitting at the desk, playing x-tank, when some thoughtless bastard rings me on the phone. I pick it up. "Hello?" I say. "Who is this?" they say "It's me I think" I say, having been through a telephone skills course "Me Who?" "Is this like a knock knock joke?" I say, trying anything to save myself having to end this game. Too LATE! I get killed. Now I'm pissed! "What can I do for you?" I ask pleasantly - (one of the key warning signs) "Um, I want to know if we have a particular software package.." "Which package is that?" "Uh, B-A-S-I-C it's called." >clickety clickety d-e-l b-a-s-i-c.e-x-e< "Um no, we don't have that. We used to though.." "oh. Oh well, the other thing I wanted to know was, could the contents of my account be copied to tape to I have a permanent copy of them to save at home in case the worst happens.." "The worst?" "Well, like they get deleted or something..." "DELETED! Oh, don't worry about that, we have backups" (I'm such a *shit*) "What was your username?" He gives me his lusername. (What an idiot) >clickety click< "But you haven't got any files in your account!" I say, mock surprise leaping from my vocal chords. "Yes I have, you must be looking in the wrong place!" So first he spoils my x-tank game, and now he's calling me a liar... >clickety click< "Oh no, I made a mistake" I say Did he mutter "typical" under his breath? Oh dear, oh dear.. "I MEANT TO SAY: That username doesn't exist" "Huh? >wimper< It must do, I was only using it this morning!" "Ah well, that'll be the problem, there was a virus in our system this morning, the... uh... De Vinci Virus, wipes out users who are logged in when it goes off." "That can't be right, my girlfriend was logged in, and I'm in her account now!" "Which one was that?" He tells me the username. Some people NEVER learn.. "Oh, yeah, her account was just after we discovered the virus." >clickety click< "...she only lost all her files" "But..." "But don't worry, we've got them all on tape" "Oh, thank goodness!!!" "Paper tape. Have you got a magnifying glass and a pencil. SEE YOU IN THE MACHINE ROOM!!!! NYAHAHAHAHAHA!" I'm such a prick! -- ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Jan 1995 11:47:52 -0000 From: Michael Forster Subject: Fwd: Space Cadets (poss. offensive to New Age) I live in a community often called 'New Age', thus the following (inspired by the 'Redneck' list): You might be a space cadet if: 1. The phases of the moon play a part in your preferred method of contraception. 2. You talk to plants and they talk back. 3. You think "Moonbeam" is a good name for a child. 4. You're over 12 and have a cuddly toy in your bed. 5. You have a tape of whale songs and you listen to it. 6. The only thing in your First Aid box is a bottle of Rescue Remedy. 7. When your car won't start, you change the quartz crystal on the dashboard. 8. Your idea of a good opening line is, "Did you ever have a past life in Atlantis?" 9. You watched, "Out on a Limb" all the way through. 10. You said, "Thank you for sharing" when someone screamed at you. 11. When you agree with a speaker, you say, "Ho!" 12. You can't say the word "Earth" without putting "Mother" in front of it. 13. You use a pendulum to decide which pair of sandles to wear. 14. You always refer to God as, "She." 15. You still think children are angelic after you had one. 16. You ever checked your body for signs of alien abduction. 17. You think there is no such thing as chance or coincidence. 18. When you sprain your ankle, you check out what Louise Hay says about it. 19. You ever turned down a date because it clashed with your wicca circle. 20. You think, "Everything is for the best in this best of all possible worlds." 21. You thought the last quote was by the Dalai Lama. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Jan 1995 09:59:17 -0500 From: Jay Harman Subject: Stupid Public Statements * "Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand." Duffy Daugherty, former Michigan State coach turned sports analyst during on the air color commentary * "We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads." Vlade Divac, Los Angeles Lakers player * "Line up alphabetically by height." Casey Stengel, baseball great * "I don't need bodyguards." Jimmy Hoffa, in a December 1975 Playboy interview * "The other teams could make trouble for us if they win." Yogi Berra, then Yankee manager * "Ball handling and dribbling are my strongest weaknesses." David Thompson, Denver Nuggets player * "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." Dan Quayle * "It's a beautiful day for a night game." Frank Frisch, sportscaster * "Four people were killed, one seriously, and eight more received slight injuries.... From the Japan Times Happy New Year....Keep your resolutions.... ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Jan 1995 10:26:07 -0500 From: Thomas Rowe Subject: Liars The following was gleaned from an AP story originating in Burlington, WI., where they sponsor a contest for liar of the year. Some runners up: "The potholes in my street are so bad that whenever I play my car stereo the radio station's record skips. (Russ Lawson, Racine, WI) "There was this lady on tour of the Endless Mountains of NE Pennsylvania. Upon visiting a mink ranch, she asked the rancher how often could he skin the mink? 'Well, not more than twice' he said. 'They get pretty damned mean after that.'" (Rupert Turrell, New Milford, PA) "Last year, when the old sheep farmer finished shearing his big flock of sheep, he ended up with a sore back. The next day he went into town and bought a big bag of buttons. He then went home and sewed 4 or 5 buttons on the belly of each one of his sheep. This year, when it became time to shear, all he had to do was unbutton their new wool coats and remove them, just like a pair of longhandled underwear." (Jack Sorenson, Kenosha, WI) And the winner of the contest was: "My grandfather could sharpen a kitchen knife like no one else. He could use it to slice bread so thin it only had one side. To apply butter you had to fold the bread first." (Donald Theisen, Appleton, WI) ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Jan 1995 13:27:12 -0500 From: Steve Gaugel Subject: A thought to ponder Written on the wall of the mens bathroom at the Green Mill, the best jazz club in Chicago. When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather did...not screaming like the passengers in his car. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Jan 1995 19:26:22 -0500 From: Jennifer Schmidt Subject: How Bad is Your Job? (a checklist) J U S T H O W B A D I S Y O U R J O B ? By Matt Groening (From Work is Hell, reprinted without permission) Place an "x" in each appropriate box. 1. HEALTH [_] Work with dangerous, noxious chemicals [_] Work with dangerous, noxious co-workers 2. WORK OVERLOAD [_] Laughably unrealistic deadlines [_] Work is piled on until your head explodes 3. WORK UNDERLOAD [_] Required to look busy when there's nothing to do [_] Brain is atrophying from idleness 4. TIME PRESSURES [_] Have to work to fast [_] Have to work too slow [_] Have to work like a machine [_] Don't have time to finish checklist 5. SECURITY [_] Threat of being fired or laid off dangled over your head [_] Ridiculous health plan [_] Preposterous pension plan [_] Petite financial rewards 6. CO-WORKERS [_] Unfriendly co-workers [_] Malicious co-workers [_] Co-workers even more screwed up than you 7. BOREDOM [_] Job requires the brains of a slow chimp [_] Work seems pointless [_] Job requires tedious tasks to be done over and over and over (you get the picture) until you want to scream 8. THE BOSS [_] Says nothing [_] Stares [_] Has veins in forehead that throb menacingly [_] Tells horrible jokes [_] Takes pleasure in destroying what little enjoyment you get out of life [_] Breath that could kill 1,000 elves 9. HOPELESSNESS [_] No hope for promotion [_] No hope for raise [_] No hope for learning [_] No hope for happiness [_] No hope for escape 10. MENTAL PROBLEMS [_] Chronic Fatigue [_] Embittered cynicism [_] Sneering hatefulness [_] So apathetic this list barely registers in your benumbed little brain [_] So close to completely flipping out that this list makes you laugh mirthlessly and squirm like an itchy bear cub 11. PHYSICAL PROBLEMS [_] Slumped shoulders [_] Backache [_] Mouth dry as a gulch [_] Puking [_] Death 12. PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE Two statements follow. Check the one that most closely describes your current outlook. [_] Misery Loves Company [_] The Company Loves Misery INTERPRETING YOUR SCORE -- No boxes checked: You may have a good job, but rest assured everyone else hates you -- Some boxes checked: Perhaps you should try to get a better job. -- All boxes checked: Oh, cheer up. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Jan 1995 08:42:50 GMT+800 From: Richard Czerwonka Subject: Movie cliches Part Four # SPACE & VACUUM - Spaceships make noise! - Explosions in space make noise - Exposure to vacuum makes you horribly swell up and/or explode within seconds (ex. "Total Recall", "Outland") # TRAVEL - Transportation always arrives and leaves on time. - Characters arrive at the airport and get *right on the plane*. They must have the best timing of any people on Earth - I always have wait around for a while before boarding. (Not to mention getting a boarding pass and the "arrive 15 minutes before departure or you lose your seat" clause of most airlines. Good thing movie airlines never overbook! - Movie characters' suitcases are always weightless when they have to carry them. # VILLAINS - The bad guy is the foreigner. - People can be rendered inoperative by bumping them on the head. Beware, though; after you have left the scene, this person will regain consciousness and be more determinted to attack you. - The bad guy also has a side-kick muscleman, who has some sort of trademark gimmick that he/she uses to eliminate oppponents. You must kill or decomission this muscleman by forcing a backfiring of this trademarked gimmick. If the muscleman dispatched by a different method, he/she is not dead. (For that matter, don't assume that anyone is dead unless their death was spectacular. Beware sequels.) - The bad guy usually kills his henchman for failing, yet don't seem to run out of loyal henchmen. - Bad guys lurk until their presence is revealed by a flash of lightning. - You can kill the bad guy by taking careful note of any object that the camera has lingered on for an unnecessarly length of time; typically this is something like a meathook or a jagged bit of glass. You will be involved in a mighty struggle, and at the appropriate time you can become inspired (usually by either an insult from the bad guy or a look of faith from your love interest) with strength enough to force the bad guy into/onto/under/in front of the aforementioned object. Actor's Equity (Hollywood) requires that within 15 seconds either side of the bad guy's demise, you utter your trademark phrase. - The bad guy, having finally gotten the good guy into his clutches, will usually spend a few meglomaniac minutes gloating over his victory and his opponent's downfall. This increment of time will prove just enough to allow the good guy to figure a way out of his predicament, or just long enough to allow a rescue attempt. - The bad guy, instead of simply offing the captured good guy on the spot, will devise some sort of drawn-out, fiendishly clever method of execution that will take enough time to allow the good guy to figure out his escape. # WEAPONS - Major characters never run out of ammunition, nor do they ever have to reload. (If the movie _does_ make them reload, they never have to actually carry any spare ammo until that scene) - Guns never run out of ammunition unless escape would be otherwise impossible. - The first shot or burst of fire from a bad guy _always_ misses, and is there just to announce that a fight will be taking place. - Bad-guy hand grenades make noise and smoke, but no real damage; good-guy hand grenades are devastating but selective; they will destroy tanks, but won't hurt the thrower, even if he drops one on his toe. Bad-guy grenades used by good guys become good-guy grenades, and _vice versa_. - When the villain runs out of bullets, he'll throw away his gun. When the hero does so, he'll conveniently come across another. - Machine guns submerged underwater for a long time won't jam or misfire when the hero pops up to use them. (see any Rambo movie) - A cigarette case/lighter in the shirt pocket will always block the bullet. - When the hero faces a ridiculously large number of shooters with high powered weapons, they will all miss after several shots. Then, the hero will pulls out this gun that looks like a toy and start picking off the bad guys from half a mile away, usually hitting them in the forehead. # WOMEN - Women will always have shaved legs and armpits, even in caveman movies. - Women will be worrying about their nails or dresses while people are trying to kill them. - Woman falls to the ground whilst being chased by a bad guy, even when running over level, unobstructed terrain. Note that when a man and woman are being chased, usually the woman falls, then the man pauses and helps her up. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Richard Czerwonka, Visual Basic / Progress / Access Programmer Edith Cowan University, Australia R.Czerwonka@cowan.edu.au -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Jan 1995 20:01:03 -0500 From: John Vogel Subject: What happened in '94, pt. 1 Ft. Wayne, Ind. Police responded to a complaint of bullets hitting a house only to find that the complainant had hidden his loaded piston in the stove, forgotten about it and then turned on the oven. Newark, NJ A lawyer sued a resturant for damages when he was served a double expresso instead of a decaf coffee. Samsula, Fla. Some 10,000 bikers gathered at Sopotnick's Cabbage Patch to watch topless women wrestle each other in a giant vat of cole slaw. Raleigh, N.C. Talk show host Phil Donaghue went to court for the right to tape and televise an execution. Hillside, N.J. Humane Society officials summoned a New Jersey man to court for killing a rat. Fairmont, W.VA. A new Jersey man was accused by police of stabbing his girlfriend and planning to marry her copse. Bonn, Germany A German software engineer devised an electronic confessional for software-minded Catholics. The program is called, "Online with Jesus." Nicosia, Cyprus A greek pizza deliveryman who strayed into the U.N. patrolled buffer zone in divided Cyprus was jailed on the Turkish Cypriot side of the island when he tried to deliver a pizza to a U.N. post. Stockton, Calif. Several Hispanic teenagers told a police officer a cashier refused to sell them a pizza because the couldn't prove they were in the country legally. Santa Rosa, Calif. Officials broadcast a lookout for a six-foot python named Tiny suspected of slithering down a Santa Rosa toilet when left alone in the bathroom. Homeowners on the same sewer line were advised to keep toilet lids down and bathroom doors closed. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Jan 1995 20:26:23 -0500 From: Will Pierce Subject: Anecdote and 2 lawsuit causes This was sent to me by a reader of the humor list (re:anger as an artform): Regarding what you should do when you're fired: I worked at a Sheraton Hotel once as a dishwasher. The chef and I just didn't get along, and before long I was fired. Later, I had to go in and get my "pink slip". The night before I did, I ate large portions of scrambled eggs, baked beans, and a box of "Little Debbie"snack cakes (*guaranteed* to give me gas). The next day, I went into get my pink slip. Now, that particular office has to handle some ofthe more affluent clients, so they're very "genteel" there. While I was standing at the desk, being handled by a very proper lady, I let the most horrid fart I had done to date. Miss Proper's nose actually *wrinkled*. :) You could tell she was trained not to react. :) My choice of diet the previous night ensured that my "legacy" hun around *long* after I did. :) Chris French GBF94001@UCONNVM.UCONN.EDU The only criticisms of this technique are A) I was not there personally, and B) he failed to wire his butt to the Public Address system (although he later told me it was a silent but deadly one ). Also, here are lawsuit causes for a dentists office: 1. Go in at a time when there is a wait of at least an hour. Sit in the waiting room patiently for about half an hour, then go into the bathroom. Rip the toilet off of whatever fixtures it might be attached to, and carry it into the waiting room. Authorities should object. If they don t, find some way to make them. Smash the toilet over the receptionist s head. then go in and smash it over the dentist s head. Sue them for not letting you have a toilet in there, not letting you kill the receptionist with it, and for having a dentist that will die when clubbed with a toilet. 2. Drill yourself in the eye. Sue them for having a drill, having no warning not to drill your eye out, and letting you use the drill. ----Will Pierce ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Jan 1995 22:17:31 EST From: Chris French Subject: New Scientific Discovery ANNOUNCING THE SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH OF THE CENTURY! ------------------------------------------------------ Scientists have finally discovered the cause of limits. Limits arise from a previously undiscovered phenomenon called the X-Stream. Scientists cannot yet explain the nature of the X-Stream, but the following properties led to its discovery: 1. The X-Stream has location. Proof: Objects may be carried to the X-Stream. 2. The X-Stream has mass. Proof: Weights may be compared to the X-Stream. Objects may be X-Streamly heavy or X-Streamly light. 3. The X-Stream has temperature. Proof: Temperature may be referenced to the X-Stream. Objects may be X-Streamly hot or X-Streamly cold. (Note: The exact temperature of the X-Stream cannot be determined until we hire scientists with degrees. At that time, it is expected that research will reach new Fahrenheits.) Scientists can't say precisely where the X-Stream is located, but they are certain that it is either X-Streamly close or X-Streamly distant. By the way, we need your tax dollars to further our research efforts. Write your Congressman today and tell him that you would like to pay X-Stream taxes. Thank-you. The Lost & Found and Lost Again Foundation ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Jan 1995 23:00:34 -0500 From: John Nicholson Subject: Disturbing Christmas Trends It was a Christmas shopping season characterized by some disturbing new trends. First off there were the parking lot hounds. I suppose you could call them "Lurkers". Whatever you want to call them they were out in full force during the Christmas shopping rush. They typically sit in their enormous American sedans waiting like bloated buzzards to pounce on the next available parking space that comes up. They can be seen hovering around the parking places next to the handicap spots. The spaces closest to the mall entrance. They wait. Usually they are males who apparently have time to kill while the mother and her brood roam the stores in search of gift items to shower upon their relations who are at other malls waiting to swoop down and score a parking spot. There also seemed to a high number of people who roamed shopping malls with glazed eyes and trance-like stares. The Christmas Undead were distinguishable by their shopping bags. Like trick or treaters dumped in a bad neighborhood, their goody bags were goodyless. They slide their loafers over the spotless mall floors and are constantly saying "Excuse me." I had one bump into me on an escalator. Not to be out done were the shoppers on a mission. They zoom from store to store with a predetermined course of action. Gone is the spontaneity of the moment. If it is not on their list , they don't want it. I saw one in a cheese shop ordering the sales clerk to find more picnic sausage and banana chips. When the clerk could not meet the demands of the focused shopper, the shopper politely explained that the clerk had ruined Christmas. Clerks were not exempt. This year they were either too pushy or had been hanging out too long with the Christmas Undead. I was sprayed at least a dozen times by the same lycra-clad perfume sales clerk. "Would you like to try Chronos for Men?" she asked. "No thank you" did not work and I was sprayed like an unsuspecting dog who wanders up nose to nose with a skunk. Stinking from the attack a looped back and hit the men's room. Leaving, I saw the Chronos girl and believed she would realize I was already scented with the fragrance that leaves women yearning for more. Again the obligatory question and a blast from the special seasonal decanter. I also thought there were an unprecedented number of calls for credit card authorizations. I talked to the pleasant customer sales representative at least five times at one of the better department stores. When that little beep is heard and the clerk reaches for the phone there is a feeling of global uncomfortableness that pervades the air. First, you as the card holder begin to have visions of bouncing checks and angry phone calls from bill collectors. Next step financial ruin. Christmas is destroying my life. Then there is the next person in line who mentally calculates every single credit card purchase made to date and figures in the interest to insure they are no subjected to the all embarrassing call for authorization. Lastly there is the clerk. On the front line, they are the messenger and interpreter. They are hit with a rainstorm of excuses and rationales like: "How can this be, I just paid the bill", "My God, I just got this card", "Wait til I get home. That husband of mine is going to have to explain" and "Please, please, ring it through. My son is counting on this Demented Blood Crazed Warrior From Hades figurine. You can't stop Christmas for him." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Jan 1995 23:17:27 -0500 From: Jim Goldman Subject: Bless You Bless you, by Jim Goldman You are warm, comforting, inviting. And here sit I, barely breathing. I care not of your color, for you shall soon assist me. I pick you up, gently, as a mother may pick up her newborn child. I gently caress you. Even to my calloused fingers, Your softness, your silkiness is inviting. I doubt my fingers are equally inviting, But you make no complaint. I feel unworthy of you, For you are heaven, while I am a mere mortal. It is actually becoming harder to breathe So I must take some course of action. I bury my face deep within you. I try once again to breathe. You tremble in ecstasy. You know that you are relieving me of my agony. You take my pain and discomfort. And allow me to live again. I feel guilty about doing so, But destiny has made you now useless. I must discard you. I wish my life were as simple as yours. You are a Kleenexx brand facial tissue. If so, existence would have meaning. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Jan 1995 23:32:05 -0500 From: Adina Sobo Subject: Hetero Monogamous Male qz/org in Found this net surfing. Sorry, I can't recall where. . Standard Disclaimer: If you are a straight, monogomous male, you may be offended by this. If you are a gay person, especially if you are not monogamo us, you could be offended. If you are member of the "politically correct" enforcement cadre, you will probably be offended. Please don't flame me, I didn't write it, but since I thought it was funny, just plonk everything else I send ;-) -- Adina Are you a heterosexual, monogamous male? The latest research indicates that there a dozens of HMM's in our nation's armed services alone. Of course, many straight men are afraid to come out and openly express their true feelings towards women and fidelity. They may be afraid to face the ridicule of those in the majority of Americans who find it hard to accept the premise that a man could possibly want to become and stay married to a person of the opposite sex. They may fear discrimination in the workplace, or possibly in finding suitable housing where they can be free to live the "straight" lifestyle. Some HMM's are afraid that their unpopular views may result in them being branded "politically incorrect". Tragically, many Americans may be HMM's and not even know it. Are you a HMM? Are you sure? Could you possibly be running from the het erosexual trapped within you? Don't be afraid. Answer the questions below and add up your score. You might just surprise yourself. 1. Are you a biological male? (10 points for yes. 5 points if you had to check your driver's license.) 2. Which term best describes you? (Married to only one Woman = 5 points, Engaged to only one Woman = 3 points, Dating only one Woman = 2 points, Dating several women, or at least not dating any men = 1 point.) 3. If you had to watch one of the following movies ("Patton", "The Magnificent Seven", "Thelma and Louise", "The Longest Yard", "The Dirty Dozen"), which would you choose? (5 points for any response except "Thelma and Louise".) 4. Give yourself 1 point for each of the following statements which is true of you: I own a dog. I own a gun. I like Clint Eastwood movies. I wear lots of plaid, flannel shirts. I won't drink espresso. I have purchased power tools for myself in the last month. I secretly believe that I could have whipped Mike Tyson. I wish Mel Gibson would keep his pants on. I don't see what's so funny about Homer Simpson. I don't need a man's attention to make me feel attractive. If you scored between 20 and 30 points, you could quite possibly be a HMM. Of course, a married lesbian who shops from the Eddie Bauer catalog, likes Charles Bronson, has a new power sander, a pit bull, and a Colt Python .45, would score quite high as well. HMM is a political advocacy group dedicated to the pursuit of equal rights for heterosexual monogamous males like you. We have formed in response to the death of the Republican party on November 3, 1992 (extensively reported by the media). The way we see it, we can either whine and snivel like the liberals have been doing for the lasttwelve years, or we can suck right up to the Clinton administration and grab every bit of preferential treatment that the other special interest groups receive. It will not be easy. There are enemies of HMM in the Democratic party, enemies that have been playing the oppressed minority game far longer than we. They may try to tell us that we don't belong. They may try to brand us as "politically incorrect" (we prefer the gentler "politically challenged"). The beauty of it is that they have to take us, or risk losing their claim to being the party of inclusion. Our aim is to become one of them. To become part of the political inside . To scratch and claw, accuse and threaten, protest and plead, until we have earned our place at the public trough. Your membership in HMM speaks volumes about your courage in the face of a nation uncomfortable with our lifestyle. Together, we can fight the ignorance and fear. After all, we did not choose to be straight. This is the way we have been created! Heterosexuality is not what we do. It is what we are! I look forward to working with you to stem the tide of the latent heterophobia that now grips Washington, D.C. and the rest of the country. Please enjoy the included articles from past issues of Straight Talk for HMM's and feel free to copy them and pass them around wherever you meet other straight, monogamous men. Remember: We're not gay, it's O.K. We're straight, it's great. Get used to it. Subscriptions cost $15.95 for twelve monthly issues (each approximately 8 pages), or our special introductory rate of $4.95 for three issues. Your newsletters will come in a envelope that will in no way identify you with this HMM because your decision to come out of the closet must be your own. Send check or money order to: Very truly yours, Norm D. Plume Founder of HMM Editor Straight Talk for HMM's ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Jan 1995 to 2 Jan 1995 **********************************************