There are 12 messages totalling 752 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. FWD: Windoze 96... <off. to Microsoft; Scotty; Patrick Stewart>
  2. Bastard Operator From Hell Part 4 of 14 >Nastiness, Language<
  3. Riddle (slightly rude)
  4. Offensive to Bill Clinton Fans
  5. Bits & Pieces Mixture
  6. eski mo mechanic???
  7. JOKE ABOUT BOSSES <CRUDE>
  8. Ways to piddle the day away at work
  9. Tech Support Guy (slightly off.)
 10. <HUMOR> Elephant hunting by profession
 11. <HUMOR> The rise and fall of the penis
 12. More Movie Cliches

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 4 Jan 1995 00:53:00 EST
From:    Jeff Guinzburg <JEFF+la+rISI%ISINT@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject: FWD: Windoze 96... <off. to Microsoft; Scotty; Patrick Stewart>

MHS:   Source date is:     4-Jan-95 0:51 EDT

On 3 Jan 1995 at 16:47, Infinite Joke List (Jokes@Infinite.ihub.com) wrote:
On 3 Jan 1995 at 12:24, Todd Gould (todd@ldcorp) wrote:


    WILL WINDOWS 95 LIVE LONG AND PHOSPHOR?

   "Sulu, set path to the floppy drive.  Scotty, fit the
    hard drive with the MicroSoft Windows 95 engine.  Chekov,
    prepare the install disks, we're about to begin a sequel."

   "Captain, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL."

   "Right.  Then let's see how she performs at task
    speed.  Scotty?"

   "Captain, are you surrrrre you want to rrrreplace
    the system?  If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit
    multitasking environment, we'll risk a matter-antimatter
    explosion!"

   "Scotty, that's an order."

   "Aye Captain, but she's just not ready.  She needs a
    proper beta shakedown."

   "That's what we're doing, Scotty.  Chekov, how are
    those install disks coming?"

   "We're on disk 5, sir."

   "Good.  Spock?"

   "Fascinating, Captain.  It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning
    our hardware and mutating to adapt."

   "Then Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't use
    the Microsoft sound card, which works fine as configured under
    Windows 3.1?"

   "Unknown, Captain."

   "Will it use a ProAudio Spectrum?"

   "Unknown, Captain."

   "How about a Sound Blaster?"

   "Unknown, Captain."

   "What good are you, anyway?"

   "Box-office attraction, Captain."

   "Bones?"

   "I'm a doctor - not a hardware technician."

   "Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the
    ProAudio Spectrum.  Chekov, finish the software installation.
    Sulu, reboot the system when it's ready and prepare to go
    to task speed on my signal."

   "Aye, aye, Captain."

   "Chekov?"

   "We've just entered the desktop zone, Captain."

   "Captain, she canna take it much more.  Another 15 sectors
    and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre."

   "Scotty, we haven't even started yet."

   "Sorry, Captain, I just haven't had a line in so long..."

   "Sulu, go to task 1.  Bring up the README.TXT in the notepad.

   "Aye, Captain."

   "Wait a minute.  Cancel that order.  Plot a shortcut to the
    README.TXT in the desktop zone.  We'll be navigating back
    there frequently."

   "Yes, Sir."

   "Spock?"

   "It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir.  The
    ProAudio Spectrum 16 isn't responding, either in sound
    or SCSI."

   "Disable the card, Spock."

   "I'm sorry, sir.  It won't disable the SCSI without stopping
    sound card first.  And it won't disable the sound card without
    disabling the SCSI first."

   "Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12 o'clock."

   "[Looks at watch.]  Good, that gives us a little more time to
    debug these systems."

   "No, sir.  The ship is already upon us."

   "Uhura?"

   "Scanning all frequencies, sir.  I'm trying to get an image,
    sir, but the system is awfully slow."

   "Scotty, what's happening down there?"

   "The engine is running smoothly, Captain, but the 16-bit GDI
    can only process one console request at a time."

   "See what you can do, Scotty.  Spock?"

   "It appears to be an IBM ship, Captain.  Equipped with a Warp
    drive."

   [Impressive sound of Warp engine coming up to speed.  OOhs
   and Ahhs as crew gazes in the direction of enemy ship.]

   "Put it on visual, Chekov."

   "Aye, Captain."

   [Louder OOhs and Ahhs.]

   "Spock, the enemy ship is approaching fast.  We need audio!"

   "I'm sorry, Captain.  The registry is not responding."

   "Bones?"

   "I'm a doctor, not a beta tester!"

   "Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file."

   "Captain - it's gone.  Some other task in the system must
    have moved or changed it."

   "Long-range scan, Chekov."

   "I found it, Captain.  Wait a minute.  This README.TXT file
    is for the game Land of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing
    the voice of King Richard."

   "Patrick Stewart?"

   "You've never heard of Patrick Stewart?"

   "No."

   "Must be a generation gap."

   "Captain, she canna take it much more.  Another 15 sectors
    and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre."

   "[Sigh.]  Maintain power, Mr. Scott.  Quick, Sulu, put us on
    red alert."

   "Captain, I can't figure out how to change the color of the
    desktop background!"

   "Bones?"

   "I'm a doctor, not the FORCE docs!!"

   "Never mind.  Find the screen saver.  Spock, prepare to fire
    HP LaserJet."

   "Captain, I've chosen the screen saver that says `Chicago is
    COOL' but now I'm getting no response at the helm."

   [BOOM as the enemy hits ship with photon torpedo, then large
   zapping sound, then either the ship moves back and forth,
   or people sway left and right, depending on perspective.
   Sparks fly from console, fires glare, indicating what would
   normally be irreparable damage, yet will be fixed in just
   minutes.]

   "Sulu, take evasive action;  otherwise, it's certain doom!"

   "Aye, Aye, Captain.  It certainly is Doom and I don't mind
    saying I'm getting awfully sick of this demo.  Doom is one
    of the most stable games on the market and it runs under
    OS/2 with no problems whatsoever."

   "We've got... to get... to the kernel.  Uhura... notify...
    the... kernel at Star Fleet."

   "Captain, I think either communications are breaking up, or
    you're dropping into melodramatic Shakespearean stammer mode
    again."

   "Spock?"

   "Fascinating, Captain.  It would seem that the needs of the
    few have out-weighed the needs of the many."

   "Scotty, get us out of here!"

   "Sorry, Captain, the engine is no longer responding!  We'll
    have to do a hard boot to rrrrecover."

   "Bones?"

Live long and prosper,  Jeff.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 4 Jan 1995 02:30:08 -0500
From:    Timothy Abicht <ERIOND@AOL.COM>
Subject: Bastard Operator From Hell Part 4 of 14 >Nastiness, Language<

Written by: Simon Paul Travaglia,  Computer Services,  University  of
 Waikato Hamilton, New Zealand. spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz

   BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #4
     It's a Thursday, and I'm in a good mood.  It's payday.  I think I'll
take some calls.  I put the phone back on the hook.  It rings.
     "I've been trying to get you for hours!" the voice at the other end
screams
     "Not, it can't be hours" I say, putting Blade Runner back into it's
cover and looking at the back, "it was more like 114 minutes.  I was on a
long phone call with the big boss, trying to get you users some better
facilities"
     Hook; Line;  and Sinker...
     "Oh.  I'm sorry."
     "That's ok, I'm a tolerant person" I make a mental note to change his
password to something nasty in the next couple of days.
     "Um, I need to know how to rename a file" he says.
     Oh dear...  Hang on, it's payday isn't it?!  I'm in a good mood.
     "Sure.  You just go 'rm' and the filename"
     "Thanks"
     "No worries"  (Now I'm in a REALLY good mood.  I think I just might
write that script to make saving impossible on rogue at random times like
I've been thinking about)
     The phone rings again.
     "Hello?"
     "Hi there" I say
     "Is this the Operators?"
     "Yes it is" I say, nice as pie
     "Could you get my printouts out please. I need them urgently, and I
printed them over 5 minutes ago"
     "Your username?" I ask
     He gives it to me, and I write it down for later.  "No worries at all!"
I say, and head to the printers.
     There's a HUUUUUUUGE pile of printouts there, and sure enough, his is at
the top of the pile.  I pick it up, split it out of the rest and pour our
ink- stained cleaning alcohol all over it, run it over a couple of times with
the loaded tape trolley then slam it in the tape safe door some times as
well.
     Beautiful.
     "Here's your printout" I say "Sorry about the delay, we've got a few
printer problems."
     He takes a look and shits himself.
     "Well, can I print it again?" he asks, worried
     "Sure you can" I say "But no promises, the printer's a bit stuffed
today"
     "Well can I print it on laser - is that working?"
     "Yeah of course, but that'll cost you" I say, oozing compassion for the
geek.
     "It doesn't matter about the cost, THIS IS URGENT!"
     I slide-on back into the printer room and put in the toner cartridge we
save for special occasions - the one that prints thick black lines down the
middle of the page and is all faint on one side.  It took me quite a while to
make it like that too.  The printout shoots through and I bring it out
immediately - I don't want to miss this!
     "W-w-what's happened to my printout?" he geek-squeals at me.
     Lucky I wrote that username down - I'm really starting to develop a
taste for torture.
     "Well nothing.  I mean sure, it's a little soiled, but that cartridge
has already done 47 thousand pages and been refilled 17 times.  It's quite
good compared to some we get"
     Geek pays up and starts blubbing.
     "Hey now. There's no reason to cry! Have you got a disk with your work
on it?"
     He gives me a box of diskettes and I step inside and run them across the
bulk eraser. I come back out again.
     "Sorry, I just remembered, our machine is on the fritz, you'll have to
take these to the other side of campus to the machine there, it'll print them
ok, and it had a brand-new toner yesterday."
     "GREAT!"
     "No worries. Oh, and hold the disks above your head the whole way there,
the earth's magnetic field is particularly strong today."
     "Huh?"
     "No arguements, just do it."
     He wanders off, hand held high.

     Shit I hate myself sometimes.
--

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 4 Jan 1995 14:17:54 +0200
From:    Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Riddle (slightly rude)

A professor during a biology class asks his students:
- What member of the human body enlarges up to 15 times of its original size?

One female student raises her hand and answers:
- It's very easy, it's a penis.

- You're wrong miss, said the professor, does anyone else know what it is?
- It's the pupil in the eye, answered a male student.

-You're perfectly right said the teacher, and you young lady, are a very
lucky person.

ariel

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 4 Jan 1995 07:47:13 -0600
From:    "Steve, Ext. 2337" <chastain@NUTRA.MONSANTO.COM>
Subject: Offensive to Bill Clinton Fans

It is often cited that Clinton is restless at night. A story goes that one
restless night he walked the historic streets of Washington D. C. and went by
the Jefferson Monument. He reflected for a minute and said: "Thomas Jefferson,
what a great American. Boy, if I could just talk to you, I know you could give
me some guidance." Then a big voice came from above: "Go To The People, Go To
The People." To which Clinton responded: "Are you CRAZY, 'Go to the people,'
the people hate me. No, No..., I can't go to the people."

Then Clinton came upon the Washington Monument, and said: "Now - I know if I
could speak with the 'Father of our Country,' with his wisdom, he could surely
help me." Then a big voice came from above "Go To The Congress, Go to the
Congress." and Clinton responded: "Are you CRAZY, 'Go to the Congress,' the
Congress hates me. No, No, I can't go to the Congress."

Now being thoroughly disheartened, Clinton strolled by the Lincoln Monument
and looked at the grand figure of Lincoln: "I just know if you could speak Mr.
Lincoln - with your honesty, it would help my Presidency." Then a big voice
came from above :

"GO TO THE THEATER, GO TO THE THEATER."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 4 Jan 1995 10:33:24 EST
From:    "Heather D. Rielly" <Heather.D.Rielly@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Bits & Pieces Mixture

        From Bits & Pieces for January 5, 1995:
Bits & Pieces
12 Daniel Road
Fairfield  NJ  07004-2565
(No, I don't work for them.)

        "President Calvin Coolidge didn't like to attend dinners, but he was
prevailed upon to attend one function at which he was to be presented with a
cane.
        The man making the presentation went on at great length and finished
up by saying, "The *mahogany* from which this cane is fashioned is as solid
as the rock-bound coast of Maine, as beautiful as the sun-kissed shores of
California!"
        Mr. Coolidge accepted the cane, posed for a picture, then stood there
for a few moments, staring at the cane. The audience sat hushed.  Finally,
the President spoke.
        '*Birch*, ' he said, and sat down."

"Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life."

"If you want to be well liked never lie about yourself - and be careful when
telling the truth about others."

"Bumper sticker of the month.  I can read your mind and you ought to be
ashamed of yourself."

"The book is closed,
  The year is done,
        The pages full
        Of tasks begun.
        A little joy,
        A little care,
        Along with dreams,
        Are written there.
        This new day brings
        Another year,
        Renewing hope,
        Dispelling fear.
        And we may find
        Before the end,
        A deep content,
        Another friend."

- Arch Ward

Happy New Year - ok, a little late.

Heather Rielly

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 4 Jan 1995 09:12:57 PST
From:    John Kenny <jkenny@TELOGY1.COM>
Subject: eski mo mechanic???

This guy is cruising around on his snowmobile in Alaska
and realizes he is having a lot of problems with his snowmobile.
He is in the middle of nowhere and looks off in the distance
and sees an igloo.  He barely makes it to the igloo and his snowmobile
finally just stops running.  A short eskimo comes out and asks what
the problem is.  The frigid adventurer says he doesn't know
and asks the eskimo if he could take a look to see what the problem is.
After a few minutes, the eskimo tells the adventurer
"Looks like you blew a seal."
The adventurer replies, "Nah, that's just a little ice on my moustache."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 4 Jan 1995 11:58:05 EST
From:    AMY ALLISON <AALLISON@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: JOKE ABOUT BOSSES <CRUDE>

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss.

The brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should
be boss."

The feet said, "Since I carry man where he wants to be and get him in position
to do what the brain wants, I should be boss."

The hands said, "Since I do all the work and earn all the money to keep the
rest of you going, I should be boss."

The eyes said, "Since I must look out for all fo you and tell you where
danger lurks, I should be boss."

And so it went.  The heart, ears, the lungs and finally the asshole spoke up
and demanded that it be made boss. All of the other parts laughed at the idea
of an asshole being made boss.  The asshole was so angered that he blocked
himself off and refused to function.  Soon the brain was feverish, the eyes
crossed and ached, the feet were too weak to walk, the hands hung limply at the
sides, the lungs and heart struggled to keep going.  All pleaded with the brain
to relent and let the asshole be boss.

And so it happened.  All the other parts did the work and the asshole just
bossed and passed out a lot of shit.  The moral:  You don't have to be a brain
to be boss, just an asshole.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 4 Jan 1995 20:02:06 -0500
From:    Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Ways to piddle the day away at work

Ways to piddle the day away at work

1. Worry that your shirt isn't pressed 'just the way you like it'
2. Consider the many, many stores you will visit while shoe shopping during
lunch
3. Worship Satan on the bosses' desk
4. Pace the bathroom mumbling about not wanting to swim
5. Dream about being on a secluded desert island with Larry King
6. Pick up the phone every 15 minutes or so and angrily shout into it to
nobody
7. Sharpen every writing instrument in the supply closet
8. Rip the guts out of the copier, then put them back in any old way
9. Continually call the airlines, booking and unbooking flights around the
world
10. Count the number of staples left in the refill box.  Again.

Written by John Beaver (jbeaver@fmrco.com)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 4 Jan 1995 20:45:57 -0500
From:    Will Pierce <Piercew@AOL.COM>
Subject: Tech Support Guy (slightly off.)

Surprisingly, I have not gotten any more requests for lawsuit causes today (I
am still taking them, by the way). , so I m posting this. It was kind of
inspired by Bastard Operator From Hell, although I had something like it in
mind anyway. Now, without further pointless babbling, here is the first of
what might be a decent series of posts if I get requests for more. OK, I said
no more blabbering. As you can see, I was lying. NOW, here is A Day In The
Life Of A Tech Support/Customer Service Guy (please note that I am not
actually a tech support/customer service guy.):

I wake up and look at the clock. Noon, as usual. I go in to the office, and
see that the phones are flashing and buzzing. Damn call waiting. Oh, well. I
take the first call with my usual technique: "Thank you for calling the tech
support/CS department. Our hours are from 1 P.M to 1:05. Please (YAWWWWN)---"
"Why you..." Busted. "Ye-e-e-es?" "I have a question." "Let me transfer you
to the department of the people who can tolerate blatantly obvious
statements." "I turned on one of your computers, and I got a message that
said 'We have the right to shoot things out of the disk drive at you.' Does
that mean anything?" "Yes, that message can be removed through the modem.
Please turn on your machine." Heh heh. "OK, it's on." "Do you have the
message?" "Yes." "OK, first let me see if you need it removed. I'm going to
try to shoot the microprocessor at you. Ready?" "I, uh, I mean, I really..."
"Too bad." I push a button. "AAAHHH...." "Sir?" "By bicroprocessor djust hid
be id de..." YES! Right in the nostril! "Sir?" "Whad?" "Shut up." <CLICK>
Next call. "This is tech support/CS, may I help you?" Please please please
please say no... "Uh, Mr. tech support dude?" Oh, good, a teenager. B-d-BING!
"I'm sorry sir, your pot isn't ready yet." "Oh, did I call the pot place
AGAIN? It's a habit, man." "No, dullard." "Uh, I just stole one of your
computers, and I can't figure out how to turn it on." "Ok, do you have a
hairpin or something?" "I have a bobby pin I use to pick locks." "OK. Now,
find an outlet and stick it in there. Don't let go." "Ok, man. Thanks."
<CLICK> Next call. "Tech support....blah blah blah, all that crap... How may
I help you?" "I'm trying to run the fax software that was installed on your
system, and every time I run it, my machine locks up and gives me strange
messages." I get exaggeratedly cheerful. "Gee, sir. Your files must be
corrupt." "Any idea how to fix them" "Nope." <CLICK> Next call. "Hi, you've
dialed the hell hotline, and this is the spectre of death, how may I help
you?" "Uh, wrong number." "Damn right." <CLICK> Next call. "Hi." "Is this
tech..." "YES, DAMMIT." "I tried to backup my hard drive to a tape, and
everything on it got deleted." "Oh, yeah, that's supposed to happen." "But
that can't be right. "You question me?" Vile bastard. "Uh, yeah.. I mean, NO,
I, um, maybe, uh..." "shut UP." "Good point. Is there any way I can get the
files back." "Did you do a tape backup?" "No. If you recall, the backup
software deleted them." Oh, how nice, sarcasm. And did I hear him mutter
"idiot" under his breath? "Sir, please dial the following number with your
modem. 1-800-HEH-HEH." He dials it. Now who's an idiot? I push a button. I
hear an explosion over the phone. "Uh, my computer just exploded." "Whoa. How
awful." <CLICK> TO BE CONTINUED (but only if I get requests for more)....


                   ----Will Pierce

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 4 Jan 1995 09:44:00 GMT+0800
From:    "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOR> Elephant hunting by profession

Passed onto me by a colleague. Original source unknown.

                  HOW TO HUNT ELEPHANTS

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything
that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.  Professors
of mathematics prove the existence of at least one elephant and leave the
capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for one of their graduate
students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A:
1.  Go to Africa
2.  Start at the Cape of Good Hope
3.  Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
    alternately East and West.
4.  During each traverse
        a.  Catch each animal seen
        b.  Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
        c.  Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known
elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at
random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15
percent of any previously observed elephant.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are
paid enough they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an
elephant

Consultants don't hunt elephants, but they can be hired by the hour to
advise those who do.  Operations research consultants can measure the
correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant
hunting strategies, if someone else will identify the elephants.

Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you
catch with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing
about who owns the droppings.  Software lawyers will claim that they own an
entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

When the Vice President of R&D tries to hunt elephants, his staff will try
to ensure that  all elephants are completely prehunted before he sees them.
If the VP sees a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) Compliment the
vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any
recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on the assumption
that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the
other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants
they haven't  caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an
invoice for an elephant.  Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them
gray and sell them as "desktop elephants."

Mike R

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Jan 1995 10:13:00 GMT+0800
From:    "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOR> The rise and fall of the penis

From a faded photocopy

"Retirement of an old friend"

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.
Time was when of it's own accord,
From trousers it would spring,
But now I have a full time job
To find the bloody thing.
It used to be embarassing,
The way it would behave
For every sinle morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
As my old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang it's withered head
And watch me tie my shoes.


Mike R

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Jan 1995 12:16:58 GMT+800
From:    Richard Czerwonka <RCZERWON@WASP.CS.COWAN.EDU.AU>
Subject: More Movie Cliches

Some more good stuff from rec.arts.movies....


                           THE MOVIE CLICHES LIST

        Compiled by Giancarlo Cairella (vertigo@bbs2000.sublink.org)


# BINOCULARS & GLASSES


- Glasses never collect moisture when you come in from the cold
outside.

- Computer geeks and "intelligent" persons use them, action heros
never have glasses.

# BIOLOGY AND GENETICS

- People are often exact duplicates of remote ancestors, or of their
parent at the same age.

- At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

- Radiation causes mutation not to your future children, but to you,
there and then.  Mutation is never immediately fatal, but first
either makes you into a formless blob, or a functional creature with
animal-like features.

- Interbreeding is genetically possible with any person or creature
from anywhere in the universe.

# BODILY FUNCTIONS

- People never cough, sneeze, blow their noses, or show any other
symptoms of being in less than perfect health.

- You can eat as much as you want in a film and you'll never EVER
have to go to the bathroom.

# BOMBS

- Bombs detonated with microwave ovens always explode 2 seconds
after the timer reaches 00:00 and the microwave oven beeps (ex.
"Under Siege").

- Explosions always happen in slow motion.

# CARS & DRIVING

- When you drive a car, you can always recognize all the persons you
know that pass you in the opposite direction.

- If someone has "fixed" the foot-brakes in the car, the driver
never use the hand-brake and the gears to slow down, at least not
until the last moment.

- Cars often end up on cliff-edges with 2 wheels in the open air.
The good guys are saved just before the car falls over, the bad guys
join the car in the free fall, often caused by a bird setting down on
the part of the car hanging over the edge.

- When speeding cars hit a parked car, they fly up into the air
while the parked car doesn't even wiggle

- All cars seem to run on kerosene rather than gasoline (hence the
copious black smoke when they burn).

- Watch steering wheels in movie cars, especially in "through the
windshield looking at the driver" shots. 9 times out of 10, the
spokes of the wheel, which one would think should be horizontal, or
close to it, are vertical, i.e., one can see one of the wheel spokes
vertical, above the dash, in front of the driver's face, even when
he's driving straight.

- There are no stop signs in movie land. Wherever you have to drive,
no matter how close or far away it is, you never have to stop before
you get there.

- Film cars do not have inside rear-view mirrors. Most of them do,
however, have an appx 1" gray spot on the inside of the windshield
where the mirror would normally mount.

- Film cars never start the first time when you're running away from
the bad guy.


# COMPUTERS AND ELECTRONICS

- If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file,
it also disappears from the screen (e.g Clear and Present Danger).

- If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automagically asked for
a password when you try to access it.

- No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by
any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all
computer platforms.

# CRIME

- When you go to rob a bank in a film, you will always choose the
teller who has just started his or her first day on the job.




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 Richard Czerwonka,            Visual Basic / Progress / Access Programmer
 Edith Cowan University, Australia                R.Czerwonka@cowan.edu.au
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End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Jan 1995 to 4 Jan 1995
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