There are 8 messages totalling 337 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Bastard Operator From Hell Part 5 of 14 >Nastiness, cruelty!< 2. Another rude joke!! 3. Man's best friend 4. old people (sick), and some handy hints 5. Office Memo (ethnic, sug., poss. off.) 6. Yet more movie cliches 7. More Movie Computer Cliches 8. More Tech Support (slightly off. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 5 Jan 1995 01:14:30 -0500 From: Timothy Abicht Subject: Bastard Operator From Hell Part 5 of 14 >Nastiness, cruelty!< Written by: Simon Paul Travaglia, Computer Services, University of Waikato Hamilton, New Zealand. spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #5 I'm bored senseless, so I pass the time by reading users email. I must admit that today's lot is PARTICULARLY boring, not one good message in all of them. I was expecting at LEAST some veiled reference to a grope in a storeroom, but nothing. So I'm bored senseless by the usual drivel about some relative's surgery and how the weather is over the other side of the world - that sort of crap. To relieve the boredom, I remove a e-mail party invite from a user's mail and post it under the senders username to to alt.singles.with.severe.social. dysfunctions on news, and make a note in my diary to be there with my camcorder. Should be a blast! Next in line is the online medical records database, in which the company doctors store the current medical histories of the staff. I grep it quickly for "herpes" and "syphillus" and sell the results to the local scum newspaper. I cover my tracks by adding an entry to one of the doctor's online electronic diarys for yesterday saying "$500, Med Recs To Paper" I think that's all it should take.. I move some tapes from the racks to the trolley to make it look like we really use them, then start looking thru archie listings for a hidden x-gif site. I find one then start a batch job running under some user's account to get them all back, charged to him. I make sure he's got enough disk for the job by removing any files not related to the task at hand. Like all those "Doctorate Final Report" papers that have got quite large in the last couple of weeks. I go back to the mail now, as something's bound to have happened. I do a grep on all mail files for the words "pregnant" and "family way", and post them anonymously to the local general interest newsgroup. Then, before anything can happen, the power goes out! The next second, the phone rings. "Hello?" I say, annoyed - the coyote was just about to kill roadrunner again! "Has the comput.." I hang up. This is a matter of life or death. Quick as I can I rip the computer power cable out of the UPS and plug the TV in. Damn! Wylie missed again! Meantime, all the alarms are going off like crazy as the disks spin down, but that's ok, because my Mac and Terminal are hardwired to the UPS in any case; and I'm at the Beer Factory level in Dark Castle too. The phone rings, so I pull the PABX breaker on the UPS switchboard and it stops. Now to look like I'm working. I break out the puck and the hockey stick and play a little one-on-wall. From the observation window it'll look like I'm being blindingly efficient, as per usual. 10 Minutes later, the power is back and we're two HDA's down, but what the hell, I haven't lost a man, I'm onto the final screen, and there's more cartoons! The phone rings, it's a luser. (What a surprise) "Computer Room" I say, being efficient "Hello, when will the compu..." I hang up. I'm doing well in the screen, all I need do is get past the wizard who throws spells at you and I'm in! The phone rings again. I put it on hands free "Computer Room" I shout, still deep in the game. "I've lost my files" a user whines over the loudspeaker "You bet you have" I say, as my concentration lapses just long enough for me to get zapped by the wizard. "What was your username?" I say, all sweetness and smiles He tells me, I look, and he's right. Shit, and I didn't even do it! Not to be outdone, I change his login directory to the null device, set his path to "." and redefine the command "news" to execute a script in his old login directory to send a nasty message to the equal opportunities officer, then delete itself. Now that's trying! -- ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Jan 1995 10:23:50 +0200 From: Altar Ariel Subject: Another rude joke!! A school principal sees a laughing student standing in the corridor of the school and asked him what he was doing outside the class during the lesson. - Well, I farted and the teacher threw me out of the classroom. - Why are you laughing? - Because I'm out here in the fresh air and they're inside. ariel ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Jan 1995 10:18:01 GMT From: Derryck Lamptey Subject: Man's best friend Hi folks. Happy new year! I am looking for a smutty joke about "Sex life of a Matrix". Anyone who may have it, please post! Ob Humour: Not very funny, really... ----- Begin Included Message ----- What Not to Name Your Dog Everyone who has a dog names him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "Me too." Then I said, "But this is dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand .... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a strong boy. When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand.... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition could begin, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told her I planned to have Sex in the contest. She told me I should have sold my tickets. "But you don't understand," I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." She called me a show-off. When my wife and I seperated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The Judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that it was after I was married Sex left me. He said, "Me too." Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Friday . . . . . Well, now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, " what seems to be the trouble?". I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now that it has left me for ever, I couldn't live any longer I'm so lonely." And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog." The day after I was hit by a garbage truck and I died like a dog. ----- End Included Message ----- ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Jan 1995 12:25:48 CET From: Daniel Roach Subject: old people (sick), and some handy hints Fred and Mary had been together in an old peoples home for a number of years, when a newpatient called Mabel arrives. Within a couple of weeks Mary hears rumors that Fredhas been getting intimate with Mabel. When asked, Fred agrees that he has been with Mabel. Mary is a bit annoyedabout this and asks Fred why, He replies "Mabel plays with my willy", to which Mary responds - "Well - I'll play with your willy too!" and fred says "But Mabel's got parkinsons disease!" -------- and Here are some top tips from VIZ magazine in england:(without permission) Health: I find that removing my trousers and underwear before going to the toilet makes it a Far easier and more enjoyable experience. Avoid embarassing fart noises by pulling your buttocks apart when you are about to fart I find that at night, lying horizontally with my eyes closed makes a perfect opportunity for sleep. A rubber band coated in chewing gum makes an ideal substitute for chewing gum Ensure you don't soil your trousers by *NOT* pulling your buttocks apart when you think you are about to fart. Thicken up runny low fat yoghurts - by stirring in a spoonful of lard There are loads more - I'll post them as I remember Please mail any comments to droach@vnet.ibm.com - all mail gratefully received also known as the Caffeind ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Jan 1995 15:54:50 EST From: Chris French Subject: Office Memo (ethnic, sug., poss. off.) Dear Tom, Well, it's time once again for the annual conference on professional ethnics. I really Haiti this time of year. The company is considering making attendance mandatory, but they won't pay the air fare. They can go fly a Kike as far as I'm concerned. If I don't make it, Czech it out for me, would Jew? Did you hear about the Union battle we're having here? It seems they won't allow Asians in the bargaining unit. When they go to war with the company, they don't want any Chinks in the armor. At the same time, the Union is going after the company concerning bathroom cleanliness. The company says they're waiting for Spic and Span. I think that's the cleaning team. Sort of the Spanish equivalent of Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum. The cafeteria workers are on strike today, so I'm having lunch at my desk. I'm eating a Danish. She tastes Swede. She had whipped cream on, but they forgot the cherry. We had a fire drill this morning. I got this Fire Island chick to slide down my Pole. It got the engines going. Everything in the office was saved, but my desk got scorched a little. Well, that's enough out of me. I'm Finnish. Write me Black and tell me what's up over there. Sincerely, Harry ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 6 Jan 1995 09:32:20 GMT+800 From: Richard Czerwonka Subject: Yet more movie cliches # ENVIRONMENT - Storms start instantaneously: there's a crack of thunder and lightning, then heavy rain starts falling. - Heavy rain causes no loss of long-distance visibility. - Everything is blue at night-time. - Caves always have flat floors, and it's never fully dark. # EVIDENCE - Be sure to leave your important tapes, such as the one labelled "Incriminating evidence against Senator Smith showing him taking $24 million in bribes and then fondling the drug lord's daughter" or your computer floppy disks labelled "All the nuclear launch codes are on here" where they can be easily found. # HEROES - Heroes can go without food or sleep, with no measurable drop in physical or mental faculties, for at least 72 hours. # INJURIES - A facial scar is likely to make you go insane and seek revenge for the rest of your life. - If you lose a hand, it causes the stump of your arm to grow by six inches. - A lost hand either comes crawling back, or a mad surgeon will replace it with one transplanted from an executed strangler. # KNIVES - When you throw a knife, the blade will always be the first thing to hit the target - unless you turn the knife around first. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Richard Czerwonka, Visual Basic / Progress / Access Programmer Edith Cowan University, Australia R.Czerwonka@cowan.edu.au -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 6 Jan 1995 11:12:30 JST From: Maurizio MORABITO Subject: More Movie Computer Cliches #COMPUTERS AND ELECTRONICS - When displaying a character on the screen, the computer always beeps maurizio ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Jan 1995 22:11:57 -0500 From: Will Pierce Subject: More Tech Support (slightly off. By request (and I am NOT referring to the reader who sent a message saying please do not consider this a request for more. I am referring to the reader who said, "Send more cops."), here is more Tech Support/CS guy. It will be better this timem (hopefully): First a little (by which I mean *LITTLE*) background. I started a computer technology company called SUX (the name says it all). The computers and software are made to screw the customer. I am now the tech support/CS guy. (NOTE TO READERS: THIS IS NOT TRUE). Okay, enough with the background. I am here at 6:00 a.m., due to the heroic actions of a lynchmob. First call. . "You've reached tech support/CS, how may I...ah, screw it." It's a British guy. "You're computer came packed in dog feces, sir." I imitate his accent as best I can while shaving. "Oh, yeah, that'd be Rover. He enjoys nothing more than to shit in the packing boxes." "Well, is there any way I can get the stuff out of the FREAKIN' DISK DRIVE?" Oh, how I love it when they yell. "You have a mouth, sir, do you not?" "Yes." "Hint, hint." Next call. "Bob's hemorrhoid remval service, how may I assist you?" "AAAAAAAAAH!" I love doing that. I'm in a good mood for the next call. "Hi. I'm the tech support guy." "I'm a customer." "I pity you." "Me too. I bought one of your Pentium com.." Someday I am going to get sweet revenge on Intel. Next call. "Uh." "Is this.." "Mm-hm." "How about if I come down to your office and ram this computer up your nose?" "fine with me." I call Bruno, the armed guard. "Hey, Bru, wath for a guy with a computer coming in here will you?" "Yeah. What should I do if I see him?" "Oh, just fire a few warning rounds into his chest." "Yeah." He leaves. I hear a few shots, followed by a scream. It was my boss. Still taking requests for more. ----Will Pierce ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Jan 1995 to 5 Jan 1995 **********************************************