There are 10 messages totalling 390 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Bank Joke <Bad Language>
  2. Bastard Operator From Hell Part 6 of 14 >Nastiness, Cruelty!<
  3. What not to call a dog (mostly inoffensive)
  4. 5 hard questions for men to answer <non-offensive>
  5. hhhheeeellllpppppp!
  6. The Governor and the Drunk
  7. About an inappropriate posting (may be offensive) (2)
  8. MORE Tech support(slightly off.
  9. Het Joke [Offensive to hets]

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Date:    Fri, 6 Jan 1995 00:47:38 -0500
From:    Michael Betsy <MBetsy@AOL.COM>
Subject: Bank Joke <Bad Language>

Hello Everyone,

In an effort to get some more actual "JOKES" on the Joke mailing lists I'm
submitting a recent knee slapper I heard.

------------------
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller,
           "Hey honey...I wanna' open a fuckin' account !!!"
She says, "Excuse me?"
He says, "I said, I wanna' open a fuckin' account !!!"
Her response is, "Sir, that language is intolerable, I'm getting a manager !"
The manger comes along and asks if there's any problems.
The man replies, "No, I just wanna' open a fuckin' account !!!"
The manager says, "Sir, we do not use that kind of language at this bank !"
The man then says, "Listen, I just won 35 million in the goddamn lottery and
I wanna open a fuckin' account !!!"
The manager, pointing to the teller, responds,
                 "And this bitch is givin' you a hard time ?!?!?"


I hope you liked it.

The 85-line Pentium chip stories are nice, but nothing beats a good joke.
 When I first joined this list there were 5 jokes per long story-like
submission.  Now I'll skim through 3 or 4 days worth of HUMOR w/o reading one
nice, quick, funny joke.

Just Thought I'd Mention It,

Michael Betsy
MBETSY@aol.com

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Jan 1995 01:38:50 -0500
From:    Timothy Abicht <ERIOND@AOL.COM>
Subject: Bastard Operator From Hell Part 6 of 14 >Nastiness, Cruelty!<

Written by: Simon Paul Travaglia,  Computer Services,  University  of
 Waikato Hamilton, New Zealand. spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz

   BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #6
     It's Friday, so I get into work early, before lunch even. The phone
rings. Shit!
     I turn the page on the excuse sheet. "SOLAR FLARES" stares out at me.
I'd better read up on that. Two minutes later I'm ready to answer the phone.
     "Hello?"  I say.
     "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU ALL MORNING?!"
     I hate it when they shout at me early in the morning. It always puts me
in a bad mood. You know what I mean.
     "Ah, yes. Well, there's been some solar activity this morning, it always
disrupts electronics..." I say, sweet as a sugar pie.
     "Huh?  But I could get through to my friends?!"
     "Yes, that's entirely possible, solar activity is very unpredictable in
it's effects. Why last week, we had some files just dissappear from a guys
account while he was working on it!"
     "Really?"
     "Straight Up! Hey, do you want me to check your account?"
     "Yes please, I've got some important stuff in there!"
     "Ok, what's your username..."
     He tells me. Honestly, it's like shooting a fish in a barrel. Twice.
With an Elephant Gun. At point blank range. In the head.
     (Do I really need to tell you the clicky clicky bit? I think not)
     "How many files are in your account?"  I ask
     "Um, well there should be about 20 in my thesis writeup, 10 or so with
the data for it, and another 20 or so in a book that I'm writing"
     "Hmmm.  Well, I think we caught it just in time.  You've still got 2
files left...  .cshrc and .login"
     "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhh!"
     He sobs into the receiver a bit - it really turns my stomach.
     "What can I do?" he sniffs
     "Ok, do you have any of your stuff backed up on floppy?"
     "Some, but it's weeks old!"
     I fire up the bulk eraser.
     "Ok" I say "How about I come out and load all that data onto your
account pronto so you can get some work done?"
     "That'd be great, but it's all at home" he wimpers.  "I spose I'll just
load it all in myself tonight"
     "Sure. But remember what I said, solar flares are bad for disks and
machines. Protect your disks from solar activity to prevent them losing their
data"
     "How do I do that?  Wrap them in tin-foil?"
     "NO! TIN FOIL'S THE WORST THING! YOU KNOW WHAT TIN FOIL DOES IN A
MICROWAVE DON'T YOU?!"
     "Yes.."
     "Then don't use it. There's only one thing that protects disks from
solar activity.."
     "What's that?"
     "MAGNETS.  Wrap your disks up in a pillow case with lots of magnets -
Solar Flares hate that"
     "Wow!  Thanks"
     "No worries at all..."

     Shit I'm good!
----------------------------------------------------
WARNING! I know it's really stupid saying this, but if you really do wrap a
disk in magnets, you need help. So don't do it. This is FICTION.  FICK-SHIN
-----------------------------------------------------
--

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Jan 1995 12:54:40 -0000
From:    Michael Forster <mforster@FINDHORN.ORG>
Subject: What not to call a dog (mostly inoffensive)

I bought a dog for my daughter from the local animal shelter.  Before we could
take her (the dog) home we had to have her speyed (neutered).  So I called
her 'Tomorrow' - because Tomorrow never comes.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Jan 1995 10:37:15 GMT
From:    "Robert C. Oshinsky" <roshinsky@FDIC.GOV>
Subject: 5 hard questions for men to answer <non-offensive>

The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers

The five questions are:
1 -  "What are you thinking?"
2 -  "Do you love me?"
3 -  "Do I look fat?"
4 -  "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 -  "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce
if the man does not answer properly, which is to say
dishonestly.  For example:

1 -  "What are you thinking?"  The proper answer to this
question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive,
dear.  I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and
what a lucky guy I am to have met you."  Obviously, this
statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy
was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one
of five things:
a -  Baseball
b -  Football
c -  How fat you are.
d -  How much prettier she is than you.
e -  How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this
stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With
Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg.  "If I wanted
you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many
wrong answers:


2 -  "Do you love me?"  The correct answer to this question
is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more
elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear. Wrong answers
include:
a -  I suppose so.
b -  Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c -  That depends on what you mean by "love".
d -  Does it matter?
e -  Who, me?


3 -  "Do I look fat?"  The correct male response to this
question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of
course not" and then quickly leave the room.  Wrong answers
include:
a -  I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin
either.
b -  Compared to what?
c -  A little extra weight looks good on you.
d -  I've seen fatter.
e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about
your insurance policy.


4 -  "Do you think she's prettier than me?"  The "she" in
the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were
starring at so hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident
or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the
correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong
answers include:
a -  Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b -  I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c -  Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d -  Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about
your insurance policy.


5 -  "What would you do if I died?"  Correct answer:
"Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life
would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl
myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza
truck that came my way."  This might be the stupidest
question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following
stupid joke:

"Dear," said the wife.  "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?"  persevered the wife. "No, of couse
not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?"
said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said
the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a
long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would."  replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly."  And would you let her
wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily.  "And would you take down the
pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes.  I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?"  said the wife, leaping to her feet.  "And I
suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband.  "She is
left-handed."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Jan 1995 11:40:51 EST
From:    RHEW000 <RHEW@MUSIC.STLAWU.EDU>
Subject: hhhheeeellllpppppp!

A while back, someone posted an offering from Rita Rudner regarding
"rules for men" or something like that.  I printed it, then lost it.
could someone repost it?  Thank you, and humblest apologies for
wasting space.  Rita in Blustery Canton, NY (whose favorite Christmas
card this year was one that said, on the outside, "I sold my hair to
buy you a gift this year," and on the inside it said, "both legs."
Yes, I travel with a strange and wonderful group of people!)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Jan 1995 13:33:09 -0600
From:    Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: The Governor and the Drunk

AP reports that Mario Cuomo was confronted by a drunk one day when he
slipped away from his State Police security detail and walked around
Albany.
        "Got a smoke?" the man asked.
        Cuomo didn't smoke.
        "Got a quarter?"
        Cuomo looked through his pockets, but found he wasn't carrying
        any money.
        The man took another look at him and asked, "Are you the
        mayor?"
        Cuomo replied, "No, I'm the governor."
        "Brother, you're in worse shape than I am."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Jan 1995 15:18:47 EST
From:    Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: About an inappropriate posting (may be offensive)

The Skeptic <z900672a@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>, writes:

> It had nothing to do with this list

This is horrible!  This is terrible!  Do you know that we have had people
who posted inappropriate material to the humor list seriously punished?
We have had people {shot} for less than what you did.  Randall and I will
Be making serious consideration over what to do about this.  I suggested
that since it was a first offense, torture by electric cattle prods for
several hours might be suitable as an alternative punishment.

> but I did as a public service when I read a bulletin on another
> board since it one of the largest mailing lists and I
                ^ The word one should go here.

This is even worse!  Can't stand this.  Can't take it.  Let it be known
far and wide, across the universe and around the world, to everyone:
Gramattical errors CANNOT BE TOLERATED.  We will cannot, and simply won't
accept, and must reject with contempt, scorn, ridicule and serious
punishment, sanctions and interdiction, the use of such conditions as
grammar errors, excessive redundancy, failing include all necesary words
leaving out punctuation marks constructors or using farsdaf terminology
that other people don't understand will not be tolerated by anyone posting
any message on this list!  No Exceptions.

> I hope you will excuse me if I offended any one.

You will not be excused.  Assign all your assets over to us and report
for execution immediately.  Failure to do so will lead to even worse
consequences!

Paul Robinson, Junta Leader of the Humor List
For Bill Edwards, deposed listowner

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
=====================================================================
To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR
To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUB HUMOR Call-
name FamilyName. A command goes in the 1st line of the message field.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Jan 1995 17:39:29 -0500
From:    Will Pierce <Piercew@AOL.COM>
Subject: MORE Tech support(slightly off.

I got more requests today, so here's more:

OK, the boss (he is actually the president of the company, but I call him the
boss because it has 7 less syllables than "president of the company") is
dead. I, being the founder of the company, am next in line to be "boss".
Sadly, no one else would be the tech support guy, so I still hold that
position, too. I have moved into my new office, taking many hours to move all
my really essential things into the office (my Gameboy, my Discman, my dirty
and/or time wasting software, etc.). I had Bruno move the switchboards in. I
take the first call of the day. "Yes?" "I have a question about one of your
computers." "Why the hell else would you have called here?" "I, um, uh, ahem.
Any way, I put a disk in the drive and sparks started caroming around the
room and setting stuff ablaze." "So what's the problem?" "You bastard."
Chi-CHING! "Sir, please bring your computer in here." "I'll be there in 15
minutes." <CLICK> I think about telling Bruno, but I think I'll have more fun
if I don't. Next call. "This is Joe's house of herpes, how may I help you?"
<CLICK> Next call. "This is an indeterminate department within an ananymous
company, how may I help you." "Your computers suck, to be honest." "Let's
see, what's our company name?" "SUX" "Well, there you go." <CLICK> Next call.
"Hi there." "Is this..." "YES!!!" "Oh, Margaret, I'm so glad to talk to you."
Ok, so maybe this isn't... "Mm-hm." "Tomorrow's our 20th anniversary, you
know." Oh, good, so I'm married to this person. "I want a divorce!! I never
want to see you again!! The lawyers have it all worked out!!" <CLICK> He heh.
I love trashing people's personal lives. The guy with the computer is here. I
have him sign some forms, and send him away. I go into his Microsoft Word
subdirectory and delete everything in it. I then proceed to copy a corrupt
version of Flight Simulator to the Word subdirectory, and I rename the sim
batch file to winword.exe. I then use Windows Write to create an
incriminating diary entry-type-document to look like the guy with the
computer wrote it, to the effect that he is actually Ted Bundy and has come
back from the dead, but he is sometimes a variety of major drug lords who
have gotten hold of H-bombs and plutonium and plan to dominate the world and
then he will turn into Newt Gingrich and behave like a total asshole and then
he will be Jeffery Dahmer and kill Wilt Chamberlain out of jealousy, and
print it. I then, being a responsible person, trace his signature from the
forms and send the document to the police.  I return the guy's computer, but
not before stuffing cocain in the disk drives and filling the interior with
it as well. I have had a long day. I answer the next call, say hello, and go
to sleep. "Hello?" says the caller "Hello? I SAID HELLO, YOU DIRTY
BASTARD..."


Still taking requests for more.


                       ----Will Pierce

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Jan 1995 19:51:12 -0500
From:    Roger Bell <RLBFROMSC@AOL.COM>
Subject: Het Joke [Offensive to hets]

How many heterosexuals does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


Two...but don't ask me how they got in there.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Jan 1995 22:58:00 EST
From:    Jeff Guinzburg <JEFF+la+rISI%ISINT@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject: Re: About an inappropriate posting (may be offensive)

MHS:   Source date is:     6-Jan-95 22:56 EDT

FORWARDED MESSAGE from Bill (BEDWARDS@uga.cc.uga.edu) at 95/01/06 15:18
TS> but I did as a public service when I read a bulletin on another
TS> board since it one of the largest mailing lists and I
 B>               ^ The word one should go here.

***** NOTES from Jeff Guinzburg (JEFF @ ISI) at 95/01/06 22:27
No, the word "is" should have gone there!  :)

Best Regards,  Jeff.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Jan 1995 to 6 Jan 1995
**********************************************