There are 9 messages totalling 368 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. In The News - Off to OJ, lawyers, Clinton, the Post Office & DMV, PG13
  2. emo phillips quotes<some sick>
  3. Book of Creation <mild sacrilege> (Ch. 2 of 3)
  4. Cows  ( 1 of many )
  5. Chickens (off. to feminists) + Acronym
  6. Outlook on life <off. to dwarfs>
  7. <offensive to families of those with Alzheimer's disaease>
  8. In The News - Off to NAFTA, OJ
  9. hacker_barbie.announce (fwd)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 4 Feb 1995 04:19:47 GMT
From:    Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: In The News - Off to OJ, lawyers, Clinton, the Post Office & DMV, PG13

               In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
                      Includes Late Night humor

Doctors for OJ Simpson prosecutor William Hodgman reported that his
chest pains were the result of inhaling too much of the defense's smoke
screen. Hodgman became faint when one of the defense's undisclosed
documents was Robert Shapiro's 1994 tax return.

OJ now says that he was practicing golf swings when the killings took
plae. This latest alibi is definitely below par. OJ's book, "I Want To
Tell You", is doing so well they're working on an alibi a day calendar.

President Clinton says his job is a lot like being the nation's dentist.
So, when is he going to turn off the laughing gas and get down to
business?

The Postmaster General says he wants to make the Postal Service more
efficient. Unfortunately, he wants to model it after the Department of
Motor Vehicles.

Police are searching for an assault suspect whose victims claim had a
distinctively bad body odor. A police artist is reportedly working on a
scratch and sniff composite drawing.

Pepsi's Super Bowl ad in which the kid sips on the straw until he's
pulled inside the bottle is interesting. If he sucks long enough, he can
play for the Rams.

And finally, Darryl Strawberry has pleaded guilty to tax evasion in
exchange for a three month prison term. This means that the next time
he's traded, it could be for a carton of cigarettes.

Buh-bye

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 4 Feb 1995 15:51:39 JST
From:    mike mcmurray <DSMMN2@JPNKIT.BITNET>
Subject: emo phillips quotes<some sick>

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy
Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.  -- Emo Phillips

The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one
just because they're the devil.  -- Emo Phillips

I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse."
        -- Emo Phillips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
        -- Emo Phillips

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen
feet.  -- Emo Phillips

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?"
I said, "I don't know.  You can't see out the other way."  -- Emo Phillips

Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving.  When
brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for
drunk driving in that state was.  His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the
Senate?"

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up
and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using
blanks.  -- Emo Phillips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.  So I said,
"Get off me, you two!"  -- Emo Phillips

I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge,
about to jump off.  so i ran over and said "stop! don't do it!"  "Why shouldn't
I?" he said.  I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"  He said, "Like
what?"  I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"  He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too!  Are you christian or buddhist?"  He said, "Christian."  I
said, "Me too!  Are you catholic or protestant?"  He said, "Protestant."  I
said, "Me too!  Are you episcopalian or baptist?"  He said, "Baptist!"  I said,
"Wow!  Me too!  Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?"
He said, "Baptist church of god!"  I said, "Me too!  Are you original baptist
church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?"  He said, "Reformed
baptist church of god!"  I said, "Me too!  Are you reformed baptist church of
god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of
1915?"  He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!"  I
said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.  -- Emo Phillips

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll notice, I
sent a paper clip with my return.  Given what you've been paying for things
lately, that should more than make up the difference."  -- Emo Phillips

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours
before I realized it had a scratch on it.  -- Emo Phillips

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 4 Feb 1995 03:03:12 -0800
From:    Kim-An Lieberman <miette@U.WASHINGTON.EDU>
Subject: Book of Creation <mild sacrilege> (Ch. 2 of 3)

                        THE BOOK OF CREATION

Chapter 2
1- Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all in five days, and
all less than six thousand years ago; and if thou believest it not, in a sling
shalt thou find thy hindermost quarters
2- Likewise God took the dust of the ground, and the slime of the Sea and the
scum of the earth and formed Man therefrom; and breathed the breath of life
right in his face. And he became Free to Choose.
3- And God made a Marketplace eastward of Eden, in which the man was free to
play. And this was the Free Play of the Marketplace.
4- And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow four trees: the Tree of
Life, and the Liberty Tree, and the Pursuit of Happiness Tree, and the Tree of
the Knowledge of Sex.
5- And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, This is my Law, which is
called the Law of Supply and Demand. Investeth thou in the trees of Life,
Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness, and thou shalt make for thyself a
fortune. For what fruit thou eatest not, that thou mayest sell, and with the
seeds thereof expand thy operations.
6- But the fruit of the tree of the Knowledge of Sex, thou mayest no eat; nor
mayest thou invest therein, nor profit thereby nor expand its operations; for
that is a mighty waste of seed.
7- And the man was exceeding glad. But he asked the LORD God: Who then shall
labor in this Marketplace? For I am no management, being tall and well-formed
and pale of hue?
8- And the LORD God said unto himself, Verily, this kid hath the potential
which is Executive.
9- And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field and
every fowl of the air, and brought them unto Adam to labor for him. And they
labored for peanuts.
10- Then Adam was again exceeding glad. But he spake once more unto the LORD
God, saying, Lo, I am free to play in the Marketplace of the LORD, and have
cheap labor in plenty; but to whom shall I sell my surplus fruit and realize a
fortune thereby?
11- And the LORD God said unto himself, Verily, this is an Live One.
12- And he caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and he took from him one of
his ribs, which was an spare rib.
13- And the spare rib which the LORD God had taken from the man, made he
woman. And he brought her unto the man, saying:
14- This is Woman and she shall purchase your fruit; and ye shall realize a
fortune thereby. For Man produceth and Woman consumeth, wherefore she shall be
called the consumer.
15- And they were both decently clad, the Man and the Woman, from the neck
even unto the ankles, so they were not ashamed.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 4 Feb 1995 11:26:28 -0500
From:    Chip Depue <EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: Cows  ( 1 of many )

This is kinda old ,  but good !!   If this stuff has been posted before ,
 let me know .

Chip    ;)

PS :  If they don't line up ,  try printing them out .
=====================================================
  --==>>  THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO COWS  <<==--
                 as you've NEVER seen them before!

                  ________________________
         (__)    /                        \         * OFFICIAL EDITION *
         (oo)   (  November 1989 Version!  )
  /-------\/  --'\________________________/      * WORLDWIDE DISTRIBUTION *
 / |     ||
*  ||----||             Edited by Eric W. Tilenius
   ^^    ^^             Please send your submissions to:
     Cow                ewtileni@pucc.Princeton.EDU // ewtileni@pucc.BITNET

-  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -

         (__)             (__)             (__)             (__)
         (oo)             (oo)             (oo)             (oo)
  /-------\/       /-------\/       /-------\/       /-------\/
 / |     ||       / |     ||       / |     ||       / |     ||
*  ||----||      *  ||W---||      *  ||w---||      *  ||V---||
   ^^    ^^         ^^    ^^         ^^    ^^         ^^    ^^
     Cow           Cow laden        Same cow       Nancy Reagan-type
                   with milk     after milking     cow with milk

         (___)             (___)    *        (___)             (___)
         (o o)             (o o)     \       (o o)             (o o)
  /-------\ /       /-------\ /       \-------\ /       /-------\ /
 / |     ||O       / |     ||O         |     ||O       / | ~#>-+|O
*  ||,---||       *  ||@\--||          ||,---||       *  ||,----|
   ^^    ^^          ^^    ^^          ^^    ^^          ^^     ^
     Bull       Same bull after    Rotc bull after    Red-blooded American
Bull
                seeing above cow   seeing other bull   shooting the Rotc bull



         (__)             (__)             (__)             (__)
         (oo)             (oo)             (oo)             (oo)
  /-------\/-*     /-------\/       /-------\/   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 / |     || \     )*)(\/* /  *     / |     ||
*  ||----||  *   \ |||/)|/()(    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
\/|(/)(/\/(,,/   \)|(/\/|)(/\
  Cow munching   Grass munching   Cow in water       Cow in trouble
    on grass         on cow

          (__)             (__)    *        (__) *      (__)
          (oo)             (oo)     \       (oo) |      (oo)
  /--------\/      /-oooooo-\/       \-------\/  \-------\/
 * o|     ||      * ooooooooo     o  o|     ||   /     ||
    ||----||     ooooooooooooo        ||----||>==/-----||
 ooo^^    ^^    ooooooooooooooooo     ^^    ^^         ^^
  Cow taking      Cow in deep         Cow getting the shit
    a shit            shit             kicked out of her

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 4 Feb 1995 19:46:22 GMT+2
From:    Frans O'Neill <FRANS@WWG3.UOVS.AC.ZA>
Subject: Chickens (off. to feminists) + Acronym

Q: Why do cocks [The feathered kind :-)] have no hands...

A: because hens have no breasts.


Acronym:

TAP = Take Another Plane

(Apologies if this one was already screened earlier.)

Cheers


            * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
            *             Frans O'Neill               *
            *   Dept. Microbiology and Biochemistry   *
            *   Univ. of the Orange Free State.       *
            *   e-mail frans@wwg3.uovs.ac.za          *
            *   Phone (051) 401-2875                  *
            * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 4 Feb 1995 13:06:31 EST
From:    MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Outlook on life <off. to dwarfs>

What kind of person is most likely to have a negative outlook on life?
A dwarf in a nudist camp.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 4 Feb 1995 12:04:46 -0600
From:    James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Re: <offensive to families of those with Alzheimer's disaease>

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 31 Jan 1995 09:23:59 -0600 (CST)
From: James Thorson <jthorson@cwis.unomaha.edu>
To: Infinite Joke List <libadmin@infinite.ihub.com>
Cc: libadmin@infinite.ihub.com
Subject: Re: JOKES - Addition to the Discussion List.

Nancy sent Ronnie down to the Blockbuster to pick up a copy of "Scent of a
Woman."  He came back two hours later with "A Fish Called Wanda."

**************************************
Jim Thorson                             "The nicest part about Alzheimer's
Department of Gerontology                disease is that you can hide
University of Nebraska at Omaha          your own Easter eggs."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 4 Feb 1995 17:20:18 GMT
From:    Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: In The News - Off to NAFTA, OJ

              In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
                      Included Late Night humor

A failing Mexican economy is expected to have a dramatic impact on the
United States. All of our big companies may have to move back.

OJ UPDATE: In light of damaging testimony given by Ron Shipp, Simpson's
"Dream Team" will now be referred to as the "Dream Interpretation Team".
Shipp added that his cousin Johnnie Cochran's dream finally came true.
Robert Shapiro finally sat down and shut up.

Defense lawers referred to OJ as the embodiment of the "American Dream."
Of coarse, they've also referred to sulferic acid as "America's Favorite
Thirst Quencher".

They're going to re-release OJ's movie and re-name it "Naked Gun 33 1/3
to Life". The Fox movie about OJ wasn't very up to date. It had him
saying he was inside the house sleeping when the crime was comitted.
Where have they been? That was like two alibi's ago.

And finally, in other news - Astronomers are overwhelmed by massive
amounts of information obtained from the Hubble Space Telescope. Even
with all this new data, they still can't pronounce Uranus in public
without giggling.

PS - for the person who caught my faux-pas (18th amendment vs 21st)
fortunately, I don't author these things I just share 'em with the net
(with some minor editing), but unfortunately I don't research them
either...OOPS!

Buh-bye!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 4 Feb 1995 21:58:47 -0500
From:    "Amy L. Ward" <othello@IAC.NET>
Subject: hacker_barbie.announce (fwd)

[original source unknown]

(LA, California) Mattel announces their new line of Barbie
products, the "Hacker Barbie." These new dolls will be released
next month.  The aim of these dolls is to revert the stereotype
that women are numerophobic, computer-illiterate, and
academically challenged.

This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie's very
own xterminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA's "In a
Nutshell" series. The Barbie is robed in a dirty button-up
shirt and a pair of worn-out jeans with Casio all-purpose
watches and thick glasses that can set ants on fire. Pocket
protectors and HP calculators optional.  The new Barbie has the
incredible ability to stare at the screen without blinking her
eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 12 hours
straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms
such as "IP address," "TCP/IP," "kernel," "NP-complete," and
"Alpha AXP's."

"We are very excited about this product," said John Olson,
Marketting Executive, "and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will
offset the damage incurred by the mathophobic Barbie." A year
ago, Mattel released Barbie dolls that say, "Math is hard,"
with condescending companions Ken.  The Hacker Barbie's Ken is
an incompetent consultant who frequently asks Barbie for help.

The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line
of Barbie dolls. Naomi Wuuf says, "I believe that these new
dolls will finally terminate the notion that women are
inherently inferior when it comes to mathematics and the
sciences. However, I feel that Ken's hierarchical superiority
would simply reinforce the patriarchy and oppress the masses."
Mattel made no comment.

Parents, however, are worried that they would become
technologically behind by comparison to the children when the
Hacker Barbie comes out.  "My daughter Jenny plays with the
prototype Hacker Barbie over yonder for two days," says Mrs.
Mary Carlson of Oxford, Mississippi, "and as y'all know, she
now pays my credit card bill. Ain't got no idea how she duz it,
but she surely duz it. I jus don't wanna be looked upon as a
dumb mama." Mattel will be offering free training courses for
those who purchase the Hacker Barbie.

The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to
deal with the complex aspects of Barbie. "Hacker Barbie Goes to
Jail" will teach computer ethics to youngsters, while "BARB1E
R1TES L1KE BIFF!!!" will serve as an introduction to expository
writing.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Feb 1995 to 4 Feb 1995
**********************************************