There are 13 messages totalling 456 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Heavenly Fantasies 2. airline acronyms 3. Taglines.. {Part 1 of A BUNCH} 4. Reasons why I can't talk on the phone 5. Music (unkind to Schoenberg & viola players) 6. Musical humor (off. to strings) 7. Spitting 8. Potent love medicine (risque) 9. Book of Creation (Ch. 3 of 3) 10. Giraffes and Piglets 11. Dyslexic Philosopher with Insomnia 12. Quote of the week! 13. Secondary Consequences ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 00:04:02 -0500 From: Ken Hall Subject: Heavenly Fantasies On the way home from work, a trio of hardworking hands from a Kentucky racing stable were sent to their final reward by an inattentive driver of a semi. St. Peter greeted them, checked his book, made a few phone calls, checked the book again and finally admitted, "Gentlemen, I'm terribly embarrassed. You were not supposed to be here for another month. So, to make it up to you, I'm going to let you go back to earth and for a month, you can be anyone or anything you want to be." The men agreed that this was a fully satisfactory quid pro quo, so St. Peter asked the first guy what he wanted to become. "I've always wanted to be an eagle swooping through the Grand Canyon.", said the first. And he was gone. The second said, "I've always wanted to be a great white shark prowling along the Great Barrier Reef." And he was gone. The third fellow seemed embarrassed and looking down at his boots, admitted, "Well, sir. I've always thought that the perfect life was to become a stud." And he was gone. A month later, St. Peter called Gabriel in and after explaining their Heavenly error, asked Gabriel to round them up. Gabriel asked where he could find them. "Well," said St. Peter, "One is an eagle in the Grand Canyon. Another is a shark along the Barrier Reef. The third is in a snow tire in Minneapolis." ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 10:02:01 +0200 From: Altar Ariel Subject: Re: airline acronyms ALITALIA Always Late In Take-off And Late In Arrival Kulsum Merchant St. Lawrence University Canton New York. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 04:37:16 E From: Charlie Hill Subject: Taglines.. {Part 1 of A BUNCH} "The Canonical List of Taglines" Maintained by Jascha Franklin-Hodge joeshmoe@world.std.com expected and so therefore one is expecting the expected? on rainy Mondays? "640K ought to be enough for anybody." Bill Gates '81 "90% of all statistics are made up" "A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."-W. Chu rchill "A little work, a little sleep, a little love and it is all over." - R. Frost "A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience." -Doug Larson "Apple" (c) 6024 b.c., Adam & Eve "Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton. "Bad knee, gotta run" - Pat Buchanan to his draft board "Bother," said Pooh as Earnhardt won again! "Bother," said Pooh as the brakes went out! "Build a watch in 179 easy steps" by C. Forsberg. "C++" should have been called "D" "COINCIDENCE" happens. "Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H20 was H2SO4." "Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him" "Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity." "Freedom defined is freedom denied." -The Illuminatus "Have you ever dated somebody because you were too lazy to commit suicide?"-Judy Tenuda "Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw..." "Human equality is a contingent fact of history." -Steven Jay Gould "I'm looking for Mr. Dover, first name Ben.." "I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV" "I'm not smart enough to lie" - Ronald Reagan "If the shoe fits, buy it." Imelda Marcos "Is" is the verb for when you don't want a verb. "It hurt real bad." -John Bobbit "It is not the fall that kills you. it's the sudden stop at the end."-D. Adams Last Update: 1994/11/27 5:22pm EST To receive an updated copy of this list: via EMAIL: Send email to joeshmoe@world.std.com put the text "send taglines.txt" in the SUBJECT HEADER an automatic mailer will respond via FTP: This list is available from ftp.std.com, in the directory /pub/joeshmoe/humor/taglines.txt To make an addition to the list: Send email to joeshmoe@world.std.com put the text "add taglines.txt" in the SUBJECT HEADER put the tagline(s) you wish to add in the message body. please DO NOT put any additional information in the message you will be sent a confirmation message by the automailer ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 09:47:14 -0500 From: Jennifer Schmidt Subject: Reasons why I can't talk on the phone Reasons why I can't talk on the phone (actually, reasons I'm trying to avoid calling/accepting a call from you) 1. Did I mention I was deaf in one ear? Well, that's my phone ear 2. We don't have electricity hooked up in our villiage yet 3. Look, I don't even know you... mom 4. I have strep throat, and I don't want you to catch it 5. My phone line is connected directly to my answering machine 6. I seriously injured my dialing finger yesterday in a freak accident 7. I can't use the phone without adult supervision 8. I'm on hold indefinitely waiting for the president 9. Are you kidding? I just learned how to use a doorknob 10. I don't speak english Rather obscure bonus for Kids in the Hall fans: 11. I'm a freak that works in the mailroom :) Jennifer Schmidt JenSch@aol.com ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 13:33:43 -0000 From: Michael Forster Subject: Music (unkind to Schoenberg & viola players) Interviewer: Sir Thomas, have you ever conducted Schoenberg? Sir Thomas Beecham: No, but I trod in some once. [The following was probably written by a violinist] A princess was walking through her garden one day when she sees a frog sitting on a lily pad. As she gets closer she realises, to her amazement, that it is talking to her. "Princess, princess, please help me. A wicked witch turned me into a frog - I used to be a musician - I played beautiful music in a great orchestra. If you kiss me I can become human and play music again." The princess said, "Oh how sad, of course I'll help you. By the way, what instrument did you play?" The frog replied, "I used to play the viola." "Ah" said the princess. "You know, I think you could have a great future as a talking frog." ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 10:58:37 CST From: David Christian Subject: Musical humor (off. to strings) A friend of mine, who plays the viola, told me this one a while back... What's the difference between a viola and a violin? Violas burn longer. David ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 12:26:23 EST From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Spitting A warning to the wives of baseball players. No matter HOW ANGRY your husband makes you, never slap the face of a man chewing tobacco! ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 12:30:30 -0800 From: "CHRIS R. TORRES" Subject: Potent love medicine (risque) This woman goes to a doctor and complains that sex with her husband is next to non-existent, that her husband is never in the mood anymore. So the doctor gives her a bottle of pills and explains that they will help liven his libido, but that she is only to give him one pill a day. The woman agrees and leaves. When she gets home, she slips a pill into his dinner. That night, he is in the mood again and they have sex. Hoping for more of the same, but a little better, the woman slips him two pills the next night at dinner. Later that night, they have better sex than they've had in years. Not wanting to spoil a good thing, she decides to slip him three pills the next night at dinner. Sex that night was incredible, for hours and hours in 14 positions. The next night, she decides to go for broke. Not heeding the doctor's advice, she slips half the bottle into his dinner. The next day, the doctor gets a phone call from what sounds to be a young boy. "Help, help, you've got to help me," said the young boy. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor. "My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my asshole hurts, and the dog is walking bow-legged." ----------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 13:24:35 -0800 From: Kim-An Lieberman Subject: Book of Creation (Ch. 3 of 3) THE BOOK OF CREATION Chapter 3 1- Now the snake in the grass was more permissive than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Why has thou accepted this lowly and submissive role? For art thou not human, even as the man is human? 2- And the woman said unto the snake in the grass, the LORD God hath ordained that I am placed under the man, and must do whatsoever he telleth me to do; for is he not the Man? 3- But the snake in the grass laughed an cunning laugh, and said unto the woman, Is it not right and just that thou shouldst fulfill thy potential? For art thou not comely in thy flesh, even as the man is comely in his flesh? 4- And the woman said, Nay, I know not, for hath not the LORD God clad us decently, from the neck even unto the ankles; and forbidden that we eat of the Tree of the Knowledge of Sex? 5- But the snake in the grass said unto the woman, whispering even into her very ear, saying, Whatsoever feeleth good, do thou it; and believeth thou me, it feeleth good. 6- And when the woman saw the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Sex, that it was firm and plump and juicy, she plucked thereof, and sank her teeth therein, and gave also to her husband, and he likewise sank his teeth therein. 7- And the eyes of both of them were opened, and they saw that they were not naked. 8- And the woman lossened then Adam's uppermost garment, and he likewise loosened hers; and she loosened his nethermost garment, and the man then loosened her nethermost garment; until they were out of their garments both, and likewise of their minds. 9- And, lo!, they did dance upon the grass of the ground, and they did rock backward, and roll forward continually; 10- And as they did rock and roll, the serpent that was cunning did play upon a stringed instrument of music, and did smite his tail upon the ground in an hypnotic rhythm, and he did sing in a voice that was like unto four voices: She loveth you, yea, yea, yea. 11- And they did both twist and shout, and fall into a frenzy, both the man and the woman, and lay themselves upon the ground, and commit there abominations. 12- And when they were spent from their abominations, they did take the herb bearing seed, and did roll it and smoke it; and lo! it gaveth them ideas, even as the LORD God had said; and they were like to commit new abominations. 13- Now the LORD God was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, with his dog; and as Adam and his wife were beginning these new abominations, the LORD God did stub the toe of his foot upon their hindermost quarters. 14- And the LORD God waxed wroth, and said unto Adam, Wherefore art thou naked? And what is that thou smokest? And why art thou not at thy work? For have I not said that it is the man's part to produce, and the part of the woman to consume whatever he produceth? 15- And Adam and his wife did look upon one another, and did giggle. 16- Whereupon the LORD God waxed exceeding wroth, and he said, Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldst not eat? 17- And the man said, The woman whom you gavest to be with me made me do it. 18- And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou has done? And the woman said, The snake in the grass made me do it. 19- And the snake in the grass said, The devil made me do it. 20- And the LORD God said unto the snake in the grass, Thou art an permissive beast; wherefore art thou cursed to crawl upon they belly, and be made into belts and boots and handbags hereafter. 21- Unto the woman He said, Since thou has harkened unto the snake in the grass which is broad-of-mind and permissive; henceforth let it be thy lot to be confused and scattered in thy brains, and to be plagued by demons who shall tempt thee to become that which thou canst not be: such as an warrior, or an extinguisher of fires, or an operator of heavy machinery. 22- And since thou has put aside the decent clothing wherein I clad thee, here after no garment shall satisfy thee, and thou shalt be overcome by longings to change thy raiment every spring and fall. 23- And above all this, since thou hast desired to tast of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Sex, now let thy very body be a curse unto thee. From generation unto generation, men shalt whistle and hoot after thee as thou passest; yea, and women also. 24- And unto Adam he said, Woe unto thee who hast harkened not to the voice of the LORD thy God, but rather to her who is thy inferior; for thou wast free to choose. Now shalt thou be banished from the Marketplace and the Free Play thereof; neither shalt thou pluck the fruit from the Trees of Life and Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. 25- In the sweat of they face shalt thou earn thy bread, and bankruptcy shall be thy lot; and upon thy back, as a burden unto thee, thou shalt bear Big Government; for thou has sinned. 26- And the LORD God said unto the man, Behold, thy knowledge of sex shall be as a curse upon thee and they generations; and thy loins shall be a trial to thee. 27- For whensoever thou goest into a public place, then shall thy member rise up; when thou sitteth to eat and drink among they fellows, likewise shall it rise up; yea, even when thou standeth before the people to preach unto them in my name, shall it rise up, and be a scandal unto thee, and make an unseemly lump in thy garments; yet when thou goest into thy wife shall thy member wither, and rise up not. 28- And then the LORD God was silent, and waxed sad, and made as if to leave them there. But he turned and spoke softly unto Adam and his wife Eve, saying, Knowest thou something? Mine only hope is this: That someday, ye have children who do unto you the way ye have done unto Me. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 16:46:02 -0500 From: Chip Depue Subject: Giraffes and Piglets John Michael Scalzi, II (scalzi@cris.com) wrote: The following is an e-mail I sent to Newt Gingrich, in the wake of the discovery of his comments on the biological urge of men to "hunt giraffes" and to wallow in ditches "like little piglets": To: Georgia6@hr.house.gov From: Scalzi@cris.com (John M. Scalzi, II) Subject: Giraffe Poll by Journalist. Dear Mr. Gingrich: My name is John Scalzi, and I am a columnist for the Fresno Bee in Fresno, California. In the days since the unearthing of your comments about men, women, combat, and the biological drive for men to hunt giraffes, I have taken it upon myself to conduct a poll to see whether that innate giraffe-hunting urge (and the little piglet wallowing urge) is in fact alive and well in the average American male. While the sample polled is statistically small (50 men, basically whomever was handy at the time) and largely comprised of white, college-educated, gainfully employed males, I nevertheless feel that the information gleaned from this poll will be of some value to someone, somewhere, some time. Perhaps you yourself, should the subject of instinctual giraffe slaughtering come up again. Certainly for me, as it takes up the bulk of my column, to be published this Wednesday, January 25. Thank you for your time, and happy hunting and/or wallowing, whichever the case may be. 1. Have you ever hunted a giraffe? Yes: 0% No: 100% 2. Have you ever had the urge to hunt a giraffe? Yes:4% No: 96% 3. Provided the right tools and the time, would you hunt a giraffe? Yes: 8% No: 92% 4. If not a giraffe, would you hunt another African savannah animal? Yes: 20% No: 80% 5. If you had to hunt an African savannah animal, which of the following would you choose? a) Zebra: 2% b) Rhino: 6% c) Meerkat: 12% d) Boar: 42% e) Any creature that appeared in "The Lion King": 36% 6. Do you think giraffe would taste like chicken? Yes: 38% No: 62% 7. Might it not make more sense not to hunt giraffe, but rather to set up giraffe ranches? Yes: 92% No: 8% 8. When you see Geoffrey, the Toys 'R' Us giraffe, do you ever get the urge to stick him with a spear? Yes: 40% No: 60% 9. Do you expect that Newt Gingrich has ever had the urge to hunt a giraffe? Yes: 74% No: 26% 10. If Newt Gingrich were to hunt a giraffe, would he use tools, or simply his own mouth? Tools: 48% Mouth: 52% 11. Would you rather hunt a giraffe, or wallow in a ditch like a little piglet? Hunt: 30% Wallow: 70% 12. Would you generally describe yourself as a little piglet? Yes: 22% No: 78% 13. Would you describe Newt Gingrich as a little piglet? Yes: 54% No: 46% 14. If you could, would you hunt Newt Gingrich? Yes: 58% No: 42% 15. Would Newt Gingrich taste like chicken? Yes: 18% No: 82% ========================================== Chip ;) ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 18:13:44 -0500 From: Jay Harman Subject: Dyslexic Philosopher with Insomnia Did you hear the one about the dyslexic philosopher with insomnia? Seems he stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog! ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 17:15:00 PST From: "Larson, Mark" Subject: Quote of the week! "These days, the wages of sin depend on what kind of deal you make with the publisher." - Ivern Bell ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 22:58:14 -0500 From: Ken Hall Subject: Secondary Consequences I received this from David Douglas from up in Ottawa town: A man came home from work early one day and found his neighbor boffing his wife. Somewhat upset, he get his revolver and forced the naked neighbor into the garage. He placed his neighbor's offending member in his workshop vise, tightened down and welded the vise in place. Then, he went back to the kitchen and returned with a large carving knife. "Oh no!", said the now-remorseful neighbor, "You're not going to cut it off, are you?" "Do I look like an animal? Of course not!", the man said. "*You're* going to cut it off. *I'm* just going to set the garage on fire!" ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Feb 1995 to 5 Feb 1995 **********************************************