There are 10 messages totalling 321 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Shamed by You English? 10. Sex joke ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 00:34:00 0400 From: Jeff Guinzburg Subject: Shamed by You English? A friend sent this, and it's been around a bit. As someone once said, if this were a piece of paper, it would have been copied so often it would be illegible.... good stuff... SHAMED BY YOU ENGLISH? "You can speak soon and write like a graduate college if me let you help for a day of 15 minutes." If you've been ever shamed by you English mistake, I can maybe save you from disappointing years. Have I met numbers cuntless men and women being who are held back in their social jobs and lives, without often knowing it, because express themselves, they cannot, fully and easily. ABOUT YOU WHAT? If people are not impressed the way by you speak and write - if and your enough honest to admit it yourself - have you taken already the forst big sucess step. HERE'S TO DO WHAT? You master English good, WITHUT SCHOOL GOING BACK TO! Years over thousands I have helped, men and women, THEIR OWN HOMES RIGHT THERE IN! I can you too help, give will you 15 day minutes, to the Linguage Institute Method. To my answers the questions following explain why need you a good English command and easily how you can something do about ahead getting. QUESTION: What is so important about my ability to speak and write? ANSWER: People you judged by, both in business, and social life, the way you speak and and write. QUESTION: What does a "command of English" mean? ANSWER: It can mean yourself clearly express, without easy fear of making embarrassed mistakes. QUESTION: Are there other advantages to be gained by acquiring a command of good English? ANSWER: Yes! "Tools of thought" are words actually! Learn you the more about words and use them how to your ideas, form and express, becomes your thinking better. QUESTION: Wouldn't I have to go back to school for a command of good English? ANSWER: Not, anymore, no. Gain you to speak the ability and write college like a graduate in your own home, right each day for 15 minutes only. QUESTION: How do I know your method works? ANSWER: Letters in thousands there in my files, from peoples in all life walks, testimonials, proved to us the Linguage Institute Method. Amazing to acheive results. If below, you send in the coupon, some of these letters I can share you with. QUESTION: Wait a minute! Why in God's name would I write to a comic book to enroll in a corespondence course to learn better English? ANSWER: What?!!? You no want learn to how use exclamation points very amny times in one sentence just?!!? PLUS, you how learn to *emphasize* BIG IMPORTANT WORDS in eratic like manner, much like ME!!!! QUESTION: How can I find out more about the Linguage Institute Method? ANSWER: Gladly mail, I will a free booklet to 32 pages to you. Just send a postcard fill or mail the coupon out. Forget not!! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- DAN BOLEO, Dept 109-11 Linguage Institute Method, 1313 Mokingbird ln, Clancyville, MY, 84031 Mail me your free please 32-page booklet, "Good How to GAin English Command." Name:_______________________________________ Street:____________________________ City:_________________ State:_____________ Zip Code:_____________ --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 05:45:45 -0500 From: Jay Harman Subject: Drive By Shooting (poss. off. to Amish) (Better when said) What goes clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, BANG, clip clop, clip clop? An Amish drive by shooting! ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 08:12:23 EST From: Swifty Subject: Yet Another FullDeckism Salutations All He/She ia half a bubble out of plumb. Swifty John K Swift SWIFTY@medisense.com ********************************************************************** "Few things are more dangerous than a hobbit with low blood sugar." Unknown ********************************************************************** ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 10:31:30 -0500 From: Jim Davis Subject: A "Willie" entry... (fwd) sung to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies....... The Ballad of The Bobbit Hillbillies Here's a little story 'bout a man named John A poor ex-Marine (with a little fraction gone) It seems one night after gettin' with his wife She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of a knife (Penis, that is) (Rodeoed, fillet-ioed) Well the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend And tossed him out the window as she rounded round a bend (Curve , that is) (Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs) She went to the cops and confessed to the attack And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back They sniffed and they barked, then they pointed "over there" To John Wayne's henry that was wavin' in the air (Found, that is) (By a fence, evidence) Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long So a dick-doc said' "Hey! I can fix your little dong" "A needle and a thread's just the thing you're gonna need" Then the world held it's breath 'till they heard that John had peed. (Wizzed, that is) (Stiched seam, straight stream) Well he healed, and he hardened, and he took his case to court With a lame-o cock-eyed lawyer (since his assets came up short) They cleared her of assult, and acquitted him of rape And his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape (Video, that is) (Unexposed, case closed) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 11:21:45 EST From: JOHN STONE Subject: job description The Dream Job: Running the complaint dept. after the meek inherit the earth. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 08:30:17 -0800 From: Henry Cate Subject: Life 7.C humor gathered long ago Date: 8 Jun 91 18:24:43 PDT (Saturday) Selections from Spaf's collection: ---------------------------------------------------- But what if it is true? Lynn Persoff was sentenced for contempt of court in August for violating a court order (on a divorce settlement) not to bad-mouth her ex-husband, Myron. At a black-tie social event in Boca Raton, Fla., a community in which both are well-known socialites, she called him a "moron." Where do you want to go to jail In January, Bernard Sexton, 26, of Cambridge, Ill., withdrew his guilty plea to misdemeanor alcohol charges and pleaded instead to a related felony, good for an 18-month sentence. Reason: The county jail where misdemeanants are sent bans smoking, but the state prison permits it. It seems that in Florida, when EMS was just beginning many years ago, there was an ER doctor on the med channels who was talking to paramedics who were trying to restar a guy's heart, to no avail. As the medics kept trying, the MD ordered every drug in the drug box into the patient, in the hopes that *SOMETHING* would work. When his last option was exhausted, in desperation, he asked "Is there a phone book there?" The surprised medics answered affirmatively, and the MD asked "Do you know this guy's name?" The bewildered medics again answered yes. "OK," the doc said, "Look up his name and CROSS IT OUT..." From: cj@modernlvr.wpd.sgi.com (C J Silverio) Newsgroups: talk.bizarre durrell@umaxc.weeg.uiowa.edu (Cyberpixie) writes: Remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books you used to see? I want to use that style to write technical manuals for products in development. "If this engineering decision is made, turn to page 40. Otherwise, turn to page 62." -- Henry Cate III The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet "The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf: The things that get rewarded, get done. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 12:00:41 -0500 From: "Bob Hawkey - Don`t worry - Be Happy! };^>" Subject: Cattle guards! An article appeared in the Denver Rocky Mountain News today: When President Clinton heard there were 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado, he immediately ordered Interior Secretary Bruce Babbitt to fire half of them. Pat Schroeder, Congresswoman from Colorado stepped to request that the cattle guards should receive six months of retraining. Newspaper people in the state swear this is all true! We KNOW this is bunk! Cattle Guards have a union! ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 12:10:12 GMT From: "HAMPTON.B" Subject: Sex and the Weather Date: Friday, 3 March 1995 12:09pm ET To: Internet From: HAMPTON.B@GOMAIL Subject: Sex and the Weather ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between Lorena Bobbit and the Weatherman? When she says there will be six inches on the ground you can believe it (In Atlanta Georgia, weathermen always predict snow that doesn't come.) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 13:13:40 EST From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Oral sex joke An elderly Amish man married a sixteen year old girl. One of his friends said, "You ought to be ashamed of yourself. She is so young she doesn't even have any hair on her pussy." Stroking his beard he replied, "She'll have some on it tonight." Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 14:39:06 -0500 From: "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto, CA" Subject: Sex joke This is actually a repeat of a post from many moons ago, so I apologize to long-time subscribers with very long memories. With the on-going thread about glass eyes, I felt this just fit in too sweetly to miss.... Ok, this is a goood one, but some of you might not get it. In fact this is the only joke I know that most people don't "get". But to the inestimable recipients of this list, I'm sure it's a fair challenge.... A sailor was on shore leave in Paris after many months at sea, and had promised himself that to celebrate his enforced celibacy (this is C.Powell's navy, remember?) he would do something truly memorable. Thus he found himself trailing from one brothel to another in search of the ultimate blow-job. After a thorough survey of the madames, he was sure he had found the acknowledged supreme player of the pink oboe. Entering the lady's place of business, he explained his quest to the proprietor. She directed him to a room at the far corner of the building, with the following instructions: enter the room, undress, lie down on the bed, and turn out the light. In a few minutes your rendezvous will begin, but remember, no matter what happens, you must not turn on the light until after your companion has left. Undeterred, our hero follows the instructions and is shortly lying naked in the dark on the bed, anticipating earthly bliss. He hears the door open [make your own sound effects] and footsteps approach. After a few noises indicating some preparation he receives truly the most magnificent service he has ever imagined. Despite this almost out-of-body experience, however, his curiosity summons him to reach over to the bed-side lamp. And as the light comes on..., he sees...., on the bed side table under his outstretched hand.... A glass eye. Jeff Fowler. fowler@sandoz.com Oh oh, feels like a grouchy day coming.... ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Mar 1995 to 3 Mar 1995 **********************************************