There are 14 messages totalling 494 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Another bear joke 2. PMS - symptom combinations you don't want to have 3. Honorable mentions - Country song titles 4. Offensive License Plates 5. MORE FULLDECKISMS 6. Humor: Off the Wall at Callahan's 7. lecture(clean) 8. What's the difference 9. How Software Companies Die 10. Explanation of sex joke 11. Wonderful 12. Words of Wit 13. New Mailing list for Religious Outcasts (fwd) 14. The NEW(T) PBS? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 5 Mar 1995 21:48:37 -0800 From: "CHRIS R. TORRES" Subject: Another bear joke The joke about the bear and the unfaithful friend reminded me of this one -- Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear walked out into the clearing no more than 50 feet in front of them. The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes, then began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bear slowly approached them. The second man looked at him, confused, and said, "What are you doing? Running shoes aren't going to help, you can't outrun that bear." "I don't need to," said the first man, "I just need to outrun you." ---------------- ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Mar 1995 00:55:09 -0500 From: Ilene Slightly Subject: PMS - symptom combinations you don't want to have Found this is the teacher's lounge one day. (It's amazing just what you can find in these places...) PreMenstrual Syndrome SYMPTOM COMBINATIONS YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE HEADACHES and INCREASED SEX DRIVE: Known as getting him all hot and bewildered. EXCESSIVE DOMESTICITY and CLUMSINESS: Whatever you do, don't dust the knicknacks. SENTIMENTALITY and EXTRAVAGANCE: This is not the time to shop for Mother's Day. SMELL SENSITIVITY and NAUSEA: A hundred-foot distance from all Thai restaurants is recommended. FOOD BINGING and LACK OF COORDINATION: It's hard to stuff your face when you can't find it. RINGING IN EARS and PARANOIA: No, it's NOT the IRS or that nerd from the health club at the door. COMPULSIVE SPENDING and INSOMNIA: Fortunately, the twenty-four-hour shopper probably can't get much of a wardrobe at 7-Eleven. NYMPHOMANIA and POOR JUDGEMENT: The only thing worse than taking the consequences is getting a call from one of them. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Mar 1995 07:23:50 -0500 From: John Vogel Subject: Honorable mentions - Country song titles (REsults of the WPost contest) Stand by your dog. You left me in a ditch, brokenhearted and infected, you girafffe-hunting bastard. I stagger the line. Fancy Garbage-truck drivin' man. You stole my heart, but Lojack found it. Like a rolling home. YOu're as sweet as tupelo honey on my spam. I may as well be gay if you're not straight with me. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Mar 1995 08:26:12 -0500 From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" Subject: Offensive License Plates Michigan's Secretary of State is under fire for recalling a ``vanity'' auto license plate that was deemed offensive. The plate reads ``4 RU486'', a reference to the ``French'' abortion-inducing drug. Critics of the action point out that other vanity plates which could be considered offensive, such as CAL-GIRL, GSPOT, HORNY, HUMP, I124Q, JUGS and NADS, have not been recalled. Then there's Theresa Watt; she's had her name on her plate for 20 years: TWATT. A state spokeswoman said that 4 RU486 was recalled under the ``illegal activity or substance'' portion of the license plate law, but the critics retort that neither RU486 nor abortion is illegal. (AP) ...Nor is it illegal to be horny, to have a G-spot ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Mar 1995 09:10:21 EST From: AMY ALLISON Subject: MORE FULLDECKISMS If you get these, you shouldn't be offended, but if you don't; well... FULLDECKISMS * Parked his head & forgot where he left if. * Put a lens in each ear and you got a telescope. * Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing. * Has a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic thing that holds them together. * Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt. * Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding. * Has the personality of a snail on valium. * Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it. * He's not stupid, he's just possessed by a retarded ghost. * A black & white mind working on colored coded problems. * Sat under the ozone hole too long. * A doughnut short of being a cop. * Several nuts over fruitcake maximum. * A mind like wet tennis shoes, makes funny squishy noises when running. * So boring his dreams have Muzak. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Mar 1995 10:40:17 -0500 From: "D. E. Gulledge" Subject: Humor: Off the Wall at Callahan's The Buddhist hamburger joint: they'll make you one with everything. The hackers' hamburger joing: you can have chips with it. The junkies' hot-dog stand: they'll sell you one with the works. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Mar 1995 11:18:51 -0600 From: Jim Thomson Subject: lecture(clean) I heard this from one of my professors about a week ago. He swears it is a true story. While spending time in Germany, he spent much of his time conversing with other professors. In Germany, the professors all have limos, and drivers. One professor in particular, gave the same lecture three times a week. Each time, his chauffeur sat in the back of the lecture and listened. After one particular lecture, the chauffeur says to the proffessor,"I have watched your lectures countless times. The information you give is very good, but you deliver in it in a very boring way. I could do it much better." The professor agrees that the next time he is to give the lecture, the chauffeur will give the lecture in his place...then they will see who does it better. The chauffeur gives the lecture, and does a wonderful job. The audience loves his methods. However, neither the professor nor the chaueffeur thought about how he would answer any questions after the lecture. Sure enough, after the lecture, hands go up, and everyone seems to have a question. The chauffeur takes the first question...and without pausing, says,"That question is so easy, that my Chauffeur can answer that", and he points to the professor sitting in teh back of the lecture hall. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Mar 1995 11:26:23 -0600 From: James Thorson Subject: What's the difference What's the difference between a tribe of pigmies and a girl's track team? - The pigmies are a cunning bunch of runts. What's the difference between a nun and a 15 year-old girl in the bathtub? - The nun has the hope in her soul. What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? - Each morning the rooster comes out and clucks defiance. ****************************************************************************** Jim Thorson Carpe Gazongas ****************************************************************************** ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Mar 1995 13:15:10 EST From: JOHN STONE Subject: How Software Companies Die On 6 Mar 1995 at 08:44, Mike Avery (MAVERY@SMTP{mavery@bga.com}) wrote: I ran across this recently... it's not terribly funny, but it's worth sharing... and almost anything by Orson Scott Card is worth reading, IMHO. Software - How Software Companies Die {Windows Sources, March 1995, p. 208} By: Orson Scott Card The environment that nutures creative programmers kills management and marketing types - and vice versa. Programming is the Great Game. It consumes you, body and soul. When you're caught up in it, nothing else matters. When you emerge into daylight, you might well discover that you're a hundred pounds overweight, your underwear is older than the average first grader, and judging from the number of pizza boxes lying around, it must be spring already. But you don't care, because your program runs, and the code is fast and clever and tight. You won. You're aware that some people think you're a nerd. So what? They're not players. They've never jousted with Windows or gone hand to hand with DOS. To them C++ is a decent grade, almost a B - not a language. They barely exist. Like soldiers or artists, you don't care about the opinions of civilians. You're building something intricate and fine. They'll never understand it. BEEKEEPING Here's the secret that every successful software company is based on: You can domesticate programmers the way beekeepers tame bees. You can't exactly communicate with them, but you can get them to swarm in one place and when they're not looking, you can carry off the honey. You keep these bees from stinging by paying them money. More money than they know what to do with. But that's less than you might think. You see, all these programmers keep hearing their fathers' voices in their heads saying "When are you going to join the real world?" All you have to pay them is enough money that they can answer (also in their heads) "Geez, Dad, I'm making more than you." On average, this is cheap. And you get them to stay in the hive by giving them other coders to swarm with. The only person whose praise matters is another programmer. Less-talented programmers will idolize them; evenly matched ones will challenge and goad one another; and if you want to get a good swarm, you make sure that you have at least one certified genius coder that they can all look up to, even if he glances at other people's code only long enough to sneer at it. He's a Player, thinks the junior programmer. He looked at my code. That is enough. If a software company provides such a hive, the coders will give up sleep, love, health, and clean laundry, while the company keeps the bulk of the money. OUT OF CONTROL Here's the problem that ends up killing company after company. All successful software companies had, as their dominant personality, a leader who nurtured programmers. But no company can keep such a leader forever. Either he cashes out, or he brings in management types who end up driving him out, or he changes and becomes a management type himself. One way or another, marketers get control. But...control of what? Instead of finding assembly lines of productive workers, they quickly discover that their product is produced by utterly unpredictable, uncooperative, disobedient, and worst of all, unattractive people who resist all attempts at management. Put them on a time clock, dress them in suits, and they become sullen and start sabotaging the product. Worst of all, you can sense that they are making fun of you with every word they say. SMOKED OUT The shock is greater for the coder, though. He suddenly finds that alien creatures control his life. Meetings, Schedules, Reports. And now someone demands that he PLAN all his programming and then stick to the plan, never improving, never tweaking, and never, never touching some other team's code. The lousy young programmer who once worshiped him is now his tyrannical boss, a position he got because he played golf with some sphincter in a suit. The hive has been ruined. The best coders leave. And the marketers, comfortable now because they're surrounded by power neckties and they have things under control, are baffled that each new iteration of their software loses market share as the code bloats and the bugs proliferate. Got to get some better packaging. Yeah, that's it. ====================================================================== Mike Avery MAvery@bga.com A Randomly Selected Thought For The Day: Computers were invented by Murphy. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Mar 1995 12:16:08 -0500 From: "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto, CA" Subject: Explanation of sex joke My compliments to the people who sent private requests for an explanation to the glass-eye joke. I couldn't get mail through to several of you, and it rapidly became obvious that life is anyway too short. The explanation is: Removal of the glass eye provided an alternative, apparently superior, orifice. Ob. humour from Feb. Scientific American, a paper dealing with the isolation and clinical uses of hormones: "Their quest entered its final stage in 1931, when Adolf Butenandt managed to derive 15 milligrams of androsterone, a nontesticular male hormone, from 15000 liters of policemen's urine." [This is about 4000 gallons, and would take about 7 hours to dispense at a typical gas pump.] The mind simply boggles. Those were obviously the days when grad. students REALLY had it hard. Also, is any one else struck by the irony of the fact that here we are, celebrating the fiftieth anniversary of VE-day and VJ-day, with the US dollar being supported by the central banks of .... Germany and Japan. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Mar 1995 14:12:13 EST From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Wonderful A school teacher asked her third-grade class to give examples of the meaning of the word "wonderful". A little girl stood up and said her mother had gotten out the wonderful baking ingredients, had mixed up some wonderful cookie batter, baked some wonderful cookies, made tea and they had a wonderful tea party. A little boy stood up next and said his dad had gotten out his wonderful tools, made a wonderful dog house, painted it a wonderful shade of green and the dog moved right in and loved his wonderful little house. Another kid stood up and said his unmarried sister came home from college on spring break and announced she was pregnant. He then sat down without further comment. The teacher had a puzzled look on her face and said, "Frankly, I fail to see what's so wonderful about that." "I don't either," said the kid but when my dad heard it he said, "that's wonderful, just fucking wonderful!" Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Mar 1995 13:59:42 -0700 From: Robert.D.Reynolds@ASU.EDU Subject: Words of Wit Some words of wit from Dorothy Hawkins of Phoenix, Arizona: Convalescence is that vague time when you're better than you were but still not as well as you were before you were as sick as you are now. Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't make him truthful. Lawyers are people who can write a 10,000-word document and call it a brief. Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you. Budget: A mathematical confirmation of your suspicions. The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application. --"Sam Lowe's Corner," _Phoenix Gazette_ Saturday, March 4, 1995. ==== Robert D. Reynolds, School of Music, Box 870405, Arizona State University, Tempe, AZ 85287-0405 Phone: 602/965-4573; FAX 602/965-2659; Msg. 602/965-3371 Internet: Robert.D.Reynolds@ASU.Edu; BITNet: REYNOLDS@ASU SINFONIA discussion list co-owner. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Mar 1995 18:10:12 -0500 From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" Subject: New Mailing list for Religious Outcasts (fwd) Date: Mon, 6 Mar 1995 11:20:31 PST From: To: Multiple recipients of list UUS-L Due to a lack of popular demand, my sister and I have decided to start a new mailing list for religious outcasts such as ourselves. Our mother has agreed to handle the administrative details. Send your subscription message to: religious_outcasts@ass.licking.whore.com Be sure to include in the body of your subscription message a brief description of your qualifications, such as: Unitarian conservative Christian Scientist physician Baptist ballet dancer Quaker general or admiral Methodist brewer or distiller Episcopalian on welfare Buddhist banker Hindu rodeo champion Islamic humorist Uncircumcised Jewish male Black Mormon bishop Female Roman Catholic priest Tone-deaf Lutheran Other: (please specify) If this works it will not be necessary to do the "ethnic cleansming" some of you have suggested privately. The "Chuck Lee type creatures" will be gone, and the purity of the UU list will have been restored. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Mar 1995 18:04:00 PST From: Jack Kolb Subject: The NEW(T) PBS? From: murray.l@genie.geis.com I just received this from an AOL group and had to pass this on: A TYPICAL DAILY PBS SCHEDULE IF THE PUBLIC BROADCASTING LEADERS CAVE IN TO REPUBLICAN PRESSURE 8:00 am Morning Stretch: Arnold Schwarzenegger does squats while reciting passages of "Atlas Shrugged." 9:00 am Mr. Rogers' Segregated Neighborhood: King Friday sings "Elitism is neat." The House Un-American Activities investigation of Mr. McFeely continues. Mr. Rogers explains why certain kids can't be his neighbor. 10:00 am Sesame Street: Jerry Falwell teaches Big Bird to be more judgmental. Oscar the Grouch plays substitute for Rush Limbaugh. Bert and Ernie are kicked out of the military. Jesse Helms bleaches all the Muppets white. 11:00 am Square One: A MathNet episode "Ernest Does Trickle- Down." Jim Varney explains how cutting taxes for the rich and spending more on defense will balance the budget. Noon Washington Week in Review: Special guest Senator Bob Dole, explaining why the current pension crisis, budget deficit, bank closings, farm foreclosures, S & L bailouts, inflation, recession, job loss, and trade deficit can all be blamed on someone else. 1:00 pm Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Guest detective Pat Buchanan helps kids build a wall around the U.S. 2:00 pm William F. Buckley's Firing Line: Guests George Will, Rush Limbaugh, John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G. Gordon Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran, Paul Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin bemoan the need for more conservative media voices. 3:00 pm Nature: Join James Watt and Charlton Heston as they use machine guns to bag endangered species. 4:00 pm NOVA: "Creationism: Discredited, but what the hell?" 5:00 pm Newt Ginrich News Hour: Clarence Thomas and Bob Packwood present in-depth personal reports on sexual harassment. Pat Buchanan says he is being shut out from national exposure. 6:00 pm Mystery Theater: Hercule Poirot, Jane Marple, and Sherlock Holmes team up to investigate Whitewater. 7:00 pm Great Performances: Pat Buchanan is a guest conductor of Wagner's "Prelude to a Cultural War." 8:00 pm Masterpiece Theater: Ibsen's "A Doll's House." Phyllis Schafly adds to this classic with an added scene where Nora gladly gives up her independence while her husband chains her to the stove. 9:00 pm Washington Week in Review: Guests George Will, Rush Limbaugh, John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G. Gordon Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran, Paul Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin discuss liberal media bias. 10:00 pm Adam Smith's Money World: How to Profit from Ozone Depletion 10:30 pm Nightly Business Report: Wall Street celebrates the end of all laws regarding antitrust, consumer protection, work- place safety, environmental protection, minimum wage and child labor. 11:00 pm Insights of Dan Quayle 11:01 pm Sign-Off (Mark Harmon (the guy who wrote this) is an associate professor @ Texas Tech.) Jack Kolb IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Mar 1995 to 6 Mar 1995 **********************************************