There are 14 messages totalling 755 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Edible Words 2. IFC Jokes part 14 3. In The News - Political, off to lawyers, Kato, LAPD, Lizzy Gardiner 4. E-mail Joke 5. Joining the Church (fwd) 6. If men got pregnant (2) 7. April foolery 8. Medical Definitions 9. Computer Viruses 10. Not Raising Hogs 11. Classic Classifieds ( 2 of 2 ) 12. virginia problems 13. fortune Cookies ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 2 Apr 1995 22:53:33 -0700 From: Kim-An Lieberman Subject: Edible Words "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." Western Union internal memo, 1876. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a "C," the idea must be feasible." A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp. "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads. "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer. "Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work. "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus. "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. "I think there's a world market for about five computers." Thomas J Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM. "The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project. "This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed." Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast. "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. "Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television. "Everything that can be invented has been invented." Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Apr 1995 09:16:31 CET From: Piotr Plebaniak Subject: IFC Jokes part 14 Jack had been dating Jill for over a year now and was finally ready to pop the question. He decided to do it over dinner and invited Jill out to a restuarant. After dinner, Jack said to Jill, "Honey, I've got something rather important to ask you, but first, there is something else I want to ask you." Jill, a little surprised, said, "Well sure, what is it" "Well, I wanted to know how you feel about sex.", Jack inquired. Jill replied, "Oh, it's fine, as long as it is infrequent." Jack paused for a second, then asked, "Is that one word, or two?" Q - Know why all the really beautiful women hang around the guys who are cruel, nasty and otherwise obnoxious? A - Because there's just no end to those pricks! A woman called repairman after the washing machine she had just purchased was on the blink. She said," Sometimes it runs too fast. Sometimes it runs too slow." He said," Have you been screwing with the governor?" She said," Hell no. I didn't even vote for him." Soon after a woman gave birth to identical twins she gave them up for adoption. One was adopted by a couple from Spain and named Juan and the other went to a family in Egypt. They called him Amal. Years past, and the boy from Spain discovered his real mother and sent her a picture of himself. The woman remarked to her husband that she wished she also had a photo of ther other son. "Well", he replied, "if you have seen Juan you have seen Amal." Q - Why does the new Iraqi Navy have glass bottomed boats? A - So they can see the old Iraqi Navy. Q - Heard about the Pop group in Iraq? A - They're called NO Kids on the Block Q - What do Iraqis call wife beating? A - Foreplay. Q - What do you call the Iraqi navy? A - Water pollution. Fun is like insurance. The older you get, the more it costs. I used to kiss her on the lips (but it's all over now). ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Apr 1995 03:49:53 GMT From: Ed Lambert Subject: In The News - Political, off to lawyers, Kato, LAPD, Lizzy Gardiner In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times The White House is studying plans to replae the CIA with a private corporation. So much for patriotism. Would Nathan Hale have regretted that he had but one life to give for his vice president of marketing. California Governor Pete Wilson flew to New Hampshire for his first presidential campaign trip. He got off the plane and, out of habit, declared the state a disaster area. Americans aren't all that impressed about former President Jimmy Carter settling the Sudan war. I mean, it's not like he settled the baseball strike... Prosecutors are alleging that OJ Simpson ditched the knife in an airport trash can prior to check in. Apparently, the white zone is now reserved for the immediate loading and unloading of murder weapons only. Johnnie Cochran was unable to trick limo driver Allan Park into identifying a bag that OJ didn't use. In another test, however, Park did admit that he couldn't tell the difference between Classic and Diet Coke. Kato Kaelin turned into an expert witness Monday as he testified about "dim" lights at OJ's Rockingham estate. At the Academy awards last week, stars wore different color ribbons to show support for different causes. That's life in LA - Red ribbons are for AIDS research, blue is for racial healing, pink is for breast cancer research, and yellow is for "Police line, do not cross." At the show, Lizzy Gardiner wore a dress made of American Express cards. Did you see that thing? She should have left WITHOUT it! It was stolen after the show, but Karl Maldin showed up with a new one in less than 24 hours. That's all for now folks, Bye!!! ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Apr 1995 10:09:07 EDT From: KEITH E SULLIVAN Subject: E-mail Joke E-mail Joke Quickly Ends Reporter's Job By Howard Kurtz of the _Washington Post_ When Joe Rhodes, journalist and self-described "smart aleck," showed up at the Portland Oregonian last fall, he was asked to familiarize himself with the computer system. The reporter, who had moved from Los Angeles to take a feature- writing job, sat down and composed a mock memo: "In an effort to make everyone at the New Oregonian feel more comfortable, members of the New Northwest team have chosen Thursdays as 'no underwear day' in the newsrooms. ... All staff members will be subject to a brief inspection. Anyone found to be wearing undergarments will be severely reprimanded and forced to wear a sweater vest the following Monday. Exceptions will be made for those staff members with hernias, testicular cancer or radical mastectomies." Rhodes then pressed a button to send the message to a friend. The message was inadvertently sent to everyone in the newsroom. And Rhodes' job offer was promptly withdrawn on grounds of inappropriate behavior. "I was stunned," he said, "They decided that anyone who was going to write jokes about underwear was a risk to the community. I can't imagine a newsroom culture so sensitive that would be enough to run me out of it. It's like I was given capital punishment for eating with the wrong fork." Rhodes, 40, recently filed a $500,000 breach-of-contract suit against the paper. The suit also names Willamette Week, a local paper that carried an account of the incident. Willamette Week reported accurately, that Rhodes had gone to a clinic for a mandatory drug test and had tested positive for a prescription sleeping pill. Rhodes says the story wrongly reported -- without calling him -- that he complained about the drug clinic disclosing the sleeping pill and that this was the reason he was let go. Now that Rhodes' promised $57,000 job has vanished and he is in debt, "I was knocked out before the weigh-in," he said. Reprinted without permission from _The Seattle Times_, March 22, 1995. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Apr 1995 11:13:23 -0400 From: Grady Lacy Subject: Joining the Church (fwd) From rehu-l (religious humor list). ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Mon, 3 Apr 1995 10:10:13 -0500 From: Georgianna To: rehu-l@bgu.edu Subject: Joining the Church This was part of the sermon at an ordination in my church yesterday: While out on a walk, a minister was accosted my a rather shabbily dressed woman who asked him all sorts of questions about his church. He answered her in full and at the end of their discussion she said she liked all she heard and she wanted to join his church. Well, he was pastor of an "Uptown" sort of church, where cleaning lady types of people were only welcome at appropriate times, so he tried to let her down gently. He told her to think about it very carefully, and come back to him in a month. She agreed. Much to his dismay, she did just that. A month later there she was, telling him she really was sure she wanted to join his church. Again he told her to think about it for a month, and again she returned and said she really wanted to join his church. Again he told her to think it over for a month. Finally, another month passed and he saw her. He asked if she still wanted to join her church. "Oh, no," she said, "That's all taken care of now. I should join another church." Breathing a sigh of relief, he asked her how she had reached her decision. "Well," she said, "It's like this. I was talking to the Lord the other day, and He told me not to bother. He said He hasn't been able to get in here for years!" ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Apr 1995 11:25:06 -0400 From: Gwen Eckman Subject: If men got pregnant IF MEN GOT PREGNANT * Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay. * There would be a cure for stretch marks. * Natural childbirth would become obsolete. * Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem. * All methods of birth control would be 100% effective. * Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained. * Men would be eager to talk about commitment. * They wouldn't think twins were so cute. * Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM. * Breifcases would be used as diaper bags. * Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes. * They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy. * Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's. * Women would rule the world. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Apr 1995 11:28:44 -0400 From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" Subject: April foolery One good thing about April--the weather starts to get warmer about the same time the IRS takes the shirt off your back. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Apr 1995 11:49:15 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Medical Definitions Appendectomy: Remove appendix. Hemorrhoidectomy: Remove hemorrhoids. Addadicktome: Female sex-change surgery. Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Apr 1995 11:42:24 -0700 From: Kim-An Lieberman Subject: Computer Viruses Those of you with personal computers should be on the lookout for new viruses. The following new computer viruses have been identified. Please be alert for them when you scan your computers...which you -ARE- doing, we trust. AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting. MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:>. POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Not actually a "virus", but an "electronic microorganism." RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a consultant about possible alternatives. ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits. MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates your session and then disappears. It'll be back. BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled. OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining a binary network. DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Thers sumthin rong wit yur komputer, butt ewe jsut cant figyour it out! GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.) TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't!" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message. TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore. FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes asking for more money. ELVIS VIRUS: Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across America. OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to suddenly become a paper shredder. NIKE VIRUS: Just does it. SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't display unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks. JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs disappear and can never be found again. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. KEVORKIAN VIRUS: After evaluating your latest program code, helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy. IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: On boot up, sings you a song (slightly off key), then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy. STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and bills you $4,500. GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on screen, then proceeds to fill up all free space on your hard drive with new files, and blames it on the Congressional Virus. CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT. LAPD VIRUS: Claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense". CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it. ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS - Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back. BUREAU OF ALCOHOL, TOBACCO AND FIREARMS VIRUS: Attempts to secretly go after all your files, but not without first unintentionally letting you know about it by e-mailing a local news station. RUSH LIMBAUGH VIRUS: Puts up lots of incoherent, meaningless messages on your screen. Also takes up a lot of disk space. MICROSOFT WINDOWS VIRUS: Turns your OS into a cumbersome unwieldy jumble of nonsensical buttons, menus and commands and also degrades the performance of your PC. (Whoops. That's not a virus. Never mind.) MENENDEZ BROTHERS VIRUS: Eliminates your files, taking the disk space they previously occupied, then claims it was being abused by the files it erased. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Apr 1995 15:01:00 -0400 From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" Subject: Re: If men got pregnant It is no so funny as you think. Read the current issue of Discover magazine which has an article on the potentials of men lactating. ************************************************************************* Aditya Mishra | The opinions expressed herein are absolutely * Phone/FAX 305-746-0442 | not immutable and might have already changed * Internet: aditya@gate.net| by time you read them due to the new evidence* Prodigy: TVDS96A | or data that has come to my attention. * ************************************************************************* ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Apr 1995 17:04:24 CST From: "Rowdy K. Welch" Subject: Not Raising Hogs Found this the other day. Hope you enjoy. Dear Sir (or Madam): My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Ute, Iowa, received a check for $1000.00 from the government for not raising 50 hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what kind is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all the government policies. I would very much prefer not to raise Razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't riased. My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422.00 in 1971, and this is until this year when he received your check for $1000 for not raising 50 hogs. If I get $1000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will bring in about $80,000.00 the first year. Then I can afford that airplane I've been wanting. Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat about 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn. Will I qualify for payments for not raising any corn to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send me any information your department has on this program, too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and will qualify for unemployment compensation and food stamps. Be most assured that you and the President will have my vote in the coming election. Patriotically yours, Just Waiting In Iowa PS Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more surplus cheese? -Originally printed in the Herbal Spotlight (Hubble Hill Herbs, PO Box 2083, Loveland, CO 80539) ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Apr 1995 18:17:55 -0400 From: Chip Depue Subject: Classic Classifieds ( 2 of 2 ) >o Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. > >o Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically >burns toast. > >o Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots >of women wear nothing else. > >o Stock up and save. Limit: one. > >o Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it. > >o We build bodies that last a lifetime. > >o Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last . > >o This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and >Gardens. > >o For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15. > >o For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. > >o Man, honest. Will take anything. > >o Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References >required. > >o Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop. > >o Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. > >o Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! > >o Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. > >o Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play. > >o Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential. > >o Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. > >o 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred. > >o Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and >smacks included. > >o Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. > >o Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never >go anywhere again. > >o See ladies blouses. 50% off! > >o Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204. > >o Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and >be willing to get hands dirty. > >o Illiterate? Write today for free help. > >o Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and >salary. > >o Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general >housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. > >o Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient >beating. > >o Mother's helper--peasant working conditions. > >o Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. > >o And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled >inconvenience. > >o We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. > > And these beauties from the radio: > >o Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure. > >o Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed to >help music lovers increase their reproduction. > >o When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle with >the big 7 on it and u-p after. > >o Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the >Canadian Broadcorping Castration. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Chip ;) ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Apr 1995 21:51:25 -0400 From: Larry Scott Subject: virginia problems Connoisseurs of local humour will be pleased to hear that South Africans are just as good at mixing metaphors and creating their own homegrown version of the legendary Irish bull. As follows... Back in 1985, Femina magazine ran an advertisement for Nelex, a medicine for the treatment of the vaginal infection known as vaginitis. The ad prompted hundreds of letters from sufferers countrywide, most of them from women who were clearly unsure as to what exactly was wrong with them. The letters were collected by Win Kuppers, boss of the advertising agency that created the Femina ad and who swears that every single one of them is genuine. Herewith extracts from some of the most hilarious.... * My interesting language is English, so you better send me an English copy of your vaginitis. * Please send me the following symptoms: itching, discharge, unpleasant smell. * I am one of those with a virginal problem.... * I would be very grateful if my disease will be acceptable... * Dear Sirs, greetings as a patient to you, but I haven't got enough time to express my sickness over this paper. I want to come by myself to confess my sickness to you after I use this Nelex... * The trouble is my vaginitis and that I am ugly. * Naturally, I don't sleep around, so I don't know where I picked up this herpes... * How can I get vaginal infections? Most chemists cannot help. * Is vaginitis normal, or does it occur by mistakes like having sex... * My husband is not happy with the behaviour of my vagina at bed time. * Please send me more information about these vaginal erections... * My symptoms are some of the ones you don't mention, so please send me another medicine. * Every boyfriend left me and makes another girl pregnant, so maybe you can help me... * With modern life of anonymous infection, I have found your vaginal infections very handy and unavoidable. * I tried Dettol, Omo and also pure Brandy. All in vain... * My problem is itching, burning pain after intercourse when the weather is cold or foggy. * I am a young lady of 1963. Will you please send me more news about my virginia... * ...pains during intercourse, even when I am not having intercourse at all.. * Please make the woman in your advert turn around and give me her address. Is she before or after Nelex use ? * I used to have sex 8 to 10 times a day. Now I am very dry. I went to the hospital and they told me I have too much sex. Maybe I should move to Durban for the humidity... * I am a girl of 21 years of edge. Can you help me with your virginal infections... * Last night these vaginal infections suddenly attacked me. What do you want me to do.. * Please send me Nelex. I am so sick I will even pay for it. * My virginia is wide open, but I only slept withmy husband alone, but he says I am a bitch I slept with many men. Can you close my virginia again... * I really want a baby, but I don't want to be pregnant... * The first time I noticed vaginal infection was in your advertisement. * So I want you to help me. So I am not a woman, but so what... * Our town is too small for Nelex. * My vargin is beginning to irritate me. I scream at it sometimes, but it doesn't help. * Sometimes my anus produces an unpleasant smell. * Please send me back my letter so I remember what I have written. * Please advertise more so that I remember that I have an infection. * I stopped having sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, but he has not stopped with me. * My problem is that I feel itching even when my husband romances me with his erections. * Please send it quickly while I still have a boyfriend to pay for it. * I never told anybody about my symptoms. Now I see them publicly advertised. * I am 42 years old, but the infections started when I was older... * My virgin is badly leaking. Does Nelex pessaries work like a cork? * When I was 13 I sprayed my vagina with Airoma room-freshener. Now I am 18 and I need your help... * Please send any good and large information to my suffering vagina. * According to symptoms advertised, I have discovered that four of them are taking place in my promised one. She urges me, so help me to help her. * My new address is (new address supplied)... but please send your reply to my old address. * I therefore scribble this epistle about my vargin to you... * Can I get a vaginal infection without prescription ? * Nelex, the effective treatment, is it also effective in Zimbabwe ? * My husband does not know where I live so we never have sex together. * I have never had sex, but I have this virginity problem... * I am only a little bit pregnant, for safety's sake. * The bath water must have infected me, although I swear nobody bathed after me in the same water. * I have re-organised my vagina recently... * It is easy to know when I have vaginitis, but how do I know when I have no vaginitis? * I went to a hospital, and even to a doctor, but I am still the same woman. Originally from charles@leclub.co.za ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Apr 1995 22:37:18 -0400 From: John Vogel Subject: fortune Cookies The Washington Post Style Invitational challenge was to come up with a fortune cookie you'd like to see. 4th runner up: If Newt wrote this, it would be worth $ 4 Million. 3rd runner up: Help! I'm being held prisoner in a chinese fortune cookie factorie so I'm putting my hair into the batter to alert people 2nd runner up: A penny saved is a penny earned (copyright 1995 Chinese Proverbs Inc., Shanghai. All right reserved. No portion of this fortune may be reproduced in any way without express permission of the publisher.) first Runner up: We riked you Chinee waiter imitation. Hope youriked the speciar soup we fix fol you. The winner was a Bazooka Joe comic strip in Chineese. Honorable mentions: You are witty wise and handsome. Of course, if I knew squat, would I be writing fortune cookies for a living. Your suspicions are groundless. W/e/ a/r/e/ (strike outs) the CIA is not following you. Even vegetarians live off death. He who leaves job unfinished Date and meal have very much in common. Very much dog. Save this slip in case you need to use the rest room. Howard Stern (click) RANT. Time to change roll of fortunes in the cookie machine *** IMPORTANT: Time t Much fun, fun, fun will be had until the Thunderbird automobile is repossed by the father of her. Shitake happens. Made in occupied Japan. You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery products. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Apr 1995 to 3 Apr 1995 **********************************************