There are 19 messages totalling 1053 lines in this issue. Topics in this special issue: 1. Total misunderstanding (off. to bosses) 2. IFC Jokes part 16 3. what's the difference between... [ADULT] 4. INVASION OF THE YACHT PEOPLE (Offensive to rich??) 5. 6. The Naked Truth 7. Your Place or Mine 8. golf 9. disconnect 10. The Ultimate Chicken 11. Self-esteem 12. music to drive away wild pigs... 13. New Barbie Dolls 14. Yo momma... 15. sage advice, and some random thoughts >completely non-off< 16. lawyer joke(offensive to lawyers) 17. Big Brother is Watching YOU! 18. Lucky Charms Test < Suggestive > 19. Elvis and Jesus ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 08:05:40 METDST From: Jan Kucera Subject: Total misunderstanding (off. to bosses) The story takes place in times when employers recieved their salaries in cash (or in a country where they are still paid in cash). Boss (enters the office and says): "Jones!" Jones: "Present!" Boss: "You have a bonus of $550 at the cash desk." Jones (leaves to get the money). Boss: "Wilbury!" Wilbury: "Present!" Boss: "400 dollars" Wilbury (leaves to get the money). ... etc. Boss: "Total!" (No response.) Boss (shouts): "Total!!!" (Silence.) Boss (mumbles): "What an idiot! He has $57500 here and does not bother to take them." -- Jan Kucera , Dept. of Computer Science Faculty of Civil Engineering, Technical Univ. of Brno, Czechia 16E 49N ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 08:51:01 CET From: Piotr Plebaniak Subject: IFC Jokes part 16 Why are Fire Trucks Red? Fire Trucks have 4 wheels and 8 firefighters. That makes 12. 12 inches is a foot. A foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is a ruler. The Queen Elizabeth is also a ship. Ships sail on the sea. There are fish in the Sea. Fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians once. The Russians are Red. That's why Fire Trucks are red, 'cause they're always rushin'. SAAB - Stupid Auto's Always Broken. Olds - Overweight lump of dirty slag. A group of biblical scholars were involved in a heated discussion about how Jesus of Nazareth was named. How did he become known as the Messiah, or Christ. One of the scholars argued that the name was a Greek corruption of Aramaic, and purists and fundamentalists ought to use the name Joshua. Another argued that Joshua was Hebrew, not Aramaic, to which a third argued that Hebrew should be used because Jesus was said to be the King of the Jews. The debate went on and on and became more and more sophisticated and obtuse. Finally, an old man known for his wisdom intervened. He informed the group that he knew how Jesus was named. When Jesus was born, a star shown in the sky, and three wise men from the East travelled to Bethlehem. They had travelled for days, suffered great deprivation, and when they finally got to Bethlehem got lost trying to find the manger. Finally, after much ado, and in rather foul moods, they reached the manger and entered the stall. As one of them came through the door, he tripped on the door sill. "Jesus Christ!" he screamed, and that is how the baby was named. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 07:22:00 EDT From: "Musat, Bob" Subject: what's the difference between... [ADULT] ...a bull and a cow? when you get done milking it, the bull's the one with the smile on its face! be seeing you, oxo p.s. it's good to be back on the list! :) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 08:22:43 -0500 From: Robert Mauro Subject: INVASION OF THE YACHT PEOPLE (Offensive to rich??) INVASION OF THE YACHT PEOPLE A Docudramatazation Based on Tabloid Journalistic Fact By Robert Mauro "They bring in all sorts of horrible, even fatal diseases," decried one angry immigration official. "Ulcers, heart disease, hemorrhoid, obesity, even excessively high cholesterol! Our government is forced to supply them with all sorts of expensive drugs and surgical procedures. Do you know what it costs our government to supply them with Tagamet, Preparation H, and liposuction alone?? And then there are all those exotic skin peels and imported volcanic mud baths! We don't even have the pills, let alone the surgical instruments or the imported volcanic mud!" Yes, the government of Haiti is furious. Hundreds of filthy rich Americans are buying expensive yachts and fleeing the United States for this "tropical paradise." "Oh, these unsavory, illegal aliens say it's the violence in their streets, all the drugs and drive-by shooting, but we in Haiti know better!" said the Haitian Chief of Police. "It's our more economical standard of living and of course our more attractive income tax codes." Not coincidentally, this invasion of the yacht people all started in 1992 -- that very same year the U.S. Presidency changed hands. Before 1992 it was the false promise of "no new taxes." And where there was once rampant greed and trickle-down economics, suddenly, beginning in 1992, there were rumors of universal health care and a luxury tax. Moreover, it was also rumored there would be fewer frequent flyer miles for the rich. "We had to do what we could to survive," said former millionaire American, now seeking Haitian citizenship, Henry Chase Throckmorton the Third. "So prior to April 15th, we grabbed our Visa, Master Card, American Express, Exxon, Diner's Club, Discovery, and Bloomingdales' credit cards and made our way to the nearest beach with the most exclusive yacht club and yacht dealership. It was all we could do to get out of the country before it was too late!" It was true. It wouldn't be long before a Capital Gains tax, a Luxury Tax, and the Prime Rate would skyrocket. And to those making over a million a year, it was time to gather up their meager possessions, i.e., negotiable stocks, bonds, T-bills, Tiffany jewelry, and Rolex watches and flee for their economic lives! "Screw the Statue of Liberty and My Country 'Tis of Thee!" cried Throckmorton. "I'm thinking of my Liberty Bonds and my god- damned Pork Bellies!" By early 1995, the situation for the Haitian Government was getting desperate. Hundreds of Haitians were writing, faxing and even telephone their government to keep these filthy, disease- ridden rich Americans -- these yacht people -- out! "We don't need none of their filthy high cholesterol or disgusting hemorrhoids!" became the hue and cry of most middle- class Haitian talk radio listeners. "We tried our best to blockade the entire country," said the Haitian Secretary of the Navy, but with one used Chris Craft and two leaky tin dinghies, this was an impossibility. You simply cannot blockade 12,000 miles of pleasant, sunny U.S. coastline with three rust buckets." Alas, there was one option left: the Haitian Coast Guard would just have to turn away these unwanted, filthy rich yacht people. Again, with hundreds of yachts invading Haitian waters every day, it was impossible to stop the wave upon wave of filthy rich Americans -- not to mention their poorer defendants, such as their lawyers, investment advisors, stock brokers, and accountants. "We had one alternative," said the Haitian President. "We had to put them all in a camp." Jimmy Carter was asked once more to intercede. Carter, and his Habitat for Humanity Project, helped build dozens of palatial, centrally air-conditioned mansion, each with sauna, jacuzzi, heated pool, and tennis court. These meager dwellings, with but one satellite dish and basement vault each, were strategically surrounded by exclusive shopping malls with stores from Fifth Avenue, Rodeo Drive and Madison Avenue. Armed guards in towers stood at the ready to keep the yacht people "in the camp and from invading the local residential areas of Haiti." "We were very afraid," said the Haitian Minister of Economic Development, "they'd cause havoc looking for a Perrier or other brand-named bottle waters. We just have that left-over stagnant stuff in all those old, abandoned U.S. army trucks. We knew this would just not do for these filthy rich yacht people. So we were forced to build the shopping malls and air drop Deer Park Water, Caviar, an other gourmet delicacies to prevent riots." "Furthermore, " the Haitian Minister of Health added, "we were terrified of an outbreak of the runs. We knew these filthy rich illegals were simply not used to the cheap stuff like black beans and army-surplus water in used trucks." And to this day, the situation in Haiti remains serious, even explosive. The yacht people keep coming. And they keep sweating in their saunas through the hot Haitian summer. Central air conditioning is being taxed to the limit. Meanwhile, the Haitian government debates whether to send the filthy rich yacht people back to the U.S. or try to sell them water front property and yacht club memberships. When this reporter asked one of the evenly tanned, but extremely obese yacht people why they were fleeing the U.S., and if it was indeed because of all the violence in the streets and the drugs, one yacht person sneered and said, "Hell no! It's all those god-damn taxes! And besides, we can still get Rush Limbaugh loud and clear right here, thanks to Armed Forces Radio!" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 15:20:50 +0000 From: Gavan Quinlan Subject: Hi folks, My inaugural posting to humour starts off with an oldie................ Bill and Hillary Clinton are en-route on their way back to the White House in their chauffeur driven limousine after a rather busy engagement. The car begins to run low on petrol, so it is decided to pull in and refill the tank. When they arrive at the garage, the petrol pump attendant comes over and begins to fill the tank. Bill comments to Hillary 'Imagine, if you married him you'd be the wife of a petrol pump attendant!', to which Hillary replies 'no,dear, if I married him he'd be the president of the United States!' Well that's that out of the way.... now for some good ole rude one liners Q. How do you circumcise a whale? A. With a fore-skin diver! Q. What's the largest drawback of the jungle? A. An elephants foreskin Q. What did the leper say to the prostitute? A. Keep the tip, darling. Q. Why do women have orgasms? A. To give them something else to moan about! Q. What's the smallest hotel in the world? A. The Hotel Vagina - it's so small, you've got to leave your bags outside! Q. What's the difference between a giraffe and a tractor? A. Ones got a high bollocks, the other's got hydraulics. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 10:33:14 -0500 From: Daylene Koch Subject: The Naked Truth This is from The Kansas City Star's Dear Abby: DEAR ABBY: Here's another one for your "nude" collection: I was all set to step into the shower when I realized that my bath towels were in the dryer. My washer and dryer are on my back porch, so I quickly ran back there to get a towel. Before I could open the dryer door, I heard the milkman coming down the walk. He always left the milk on my back step, but I was afraid he might glance in the back screen door and see me, so I jumped into the back porch closet. I was standing in the closet, waiting for him to leave the milk and go. Suddenly, the closet door swung open and there I stood, naked as a jaybird. It was the meter reader! In his surprise, he looked me up and down. In my embarrassment, I blurted out, "Oh, my ... I thought you were the milkman!" --- Red-Faced in Fresno ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 13:14:02 -0400 From: "Greg C. Bowlin" Subject: Your Place or Mine Your Place or Mine ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------ Your Place or Mine In order to get a date, Adam, David, and Clint went to a singles club in order for Adam to show them the "Proper Method". Whey they entered the club, Adam told David and Clint to get a drink, sit back, and watch the master. Adam spotted a beautiful blonde and began to walk in her direction while the others waited in anticipation. Adam made his smooth move and said, "Your place or Mine?" Immediately they left with passion in their eyes. David, excitedly, turned toward Clint and said, "If Adam can do it then surely I can." He spotted another beautiful woman and so he made his move. His was not as smooth, but it proved effective as he asked, "Your place or mine?" As they headed toward the door, Clint's chin hit the floor in amazement. Clint thought to himself that if they can get a beautiful woman, then so could he. He glanced around the room and located yet another beautiful woman. He nervously walked towards her in anticipating his smooth move yet to be made. He asked the question, "Your place or mine?". The woman turned her head and said in a sexy voice, "I am sorry but I am on my menstrual cycle." He confidently responded, "That's okay, I am on my moped. I will follow you home." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 12:48:24 -0500 From: James Thorson Subject: golf It seems that a golfer came in from the course with contusions about the throat; he could hardly talk. His friends asked him what happened to him out there. In a very scratchy voice and with much effort he said, "Well, when I teed off on the sixteenth hole I sliced the damn thing so bad that it went entirely over the rough and into the cow pasture. So, I climbed the fence to look for my ball, but I couldn't find it in the high grass. Just then I noticed something white sticking in a cow's ass. I lifted up her tail and looked, but it was a Dunlop and I was playing a Spaulding. Suddenly, this lady was climbing the fence - she was looking for her ball too. So I lifted up the cow's tail and pointed and said, 'Lady, does this look like your's?' And she hit me in the throat with a five iron." ************************************************************************** Jim Thorson Wannna see my putter? ************************************************************************** ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 09:31:27 EST From: JOHN STONE Subject: Re: disconnect From the INFINITE joke list.....another soul who didn't save the instructions........... ---------------------------------------------------------- On 4 Apr 1995 at 15:26, Allan Carter (ALLAN@INFINITE) wrote: FORWARDED MESSAGE from Infinite Joke List (Jokes @ Infinite) at 4/04/95 3:12 PM ----------------------------------------------------------- On 4 Apr 1995 at 15:11, Elizabeth M. Andriot (E0ANDRZ1@SMTP{E0ANDRZ1@ULKYVM.LOUISVILLE.EDU}) wrote: Is there any possible way to get me off of this jokes list. I find they are cluttering up my mailbox. Thanks. ------------------------------------------------------------ ***** NOTES from Allan Carter (ALLAN @ INFINITE) at 4/04/95 3:18 PM Well Elizabeth ... there is a way ... BUT ... it's not for the timid. First you must bury a walnut shell at the crossroads during the last full moon of Autumn. Then (and only then) may you ride a shaven yak up and down the streets of your town, clad only in a Hefty Handle-Tie baggie. Once you have done this, you must then call a random 800 number and beg strangers to wax your eyebrows. This should eliminate you from the joke list (and any other social group that you may belong to). of course you could just desubscribe, but that would be taking the easy way out. Good luck. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- How does one go about shaving a yak? Doesn't he mind? ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 13:37:58 -0400 From: Jim Davis Subject: The Ultimate Chicken VERRRY LONG... WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? It was not merely that the chicken crossed the road, Watson, but that the three Russian midgets and the Italian oboe player did not also cross. --Sherlock Holmes She was a victim of the Illuminati One World conspiracy. -- Rev. Pat Robertson This chicken story seems merely more gaga New Age silliness at first, but may contain something more sinister. No reputable scientists has ever reported a chicken crossing a road. Alleged "close encounterswith such chickens are claimed by ignorant and suggestible people only. Farmers queried all report large fences around their hen-yards, to prevent chickens from escaping. One recalls similar mass delusions in Nazi Germany before Hitler. --Martin Gardner. She was a victim of the Jewish conspiracy. -- Adolph Hitler O thin men of Haddam Why seek so eagerly the golden bird? Do you not see the chicken On the dirt road you walk? --Wallace Stevens She was a victim of the English Gnostic Drug Cartel conspiracy. --Lyndon LaRouche I sent a hen into the astral plane To learn our future, and man's luck, And by and by the bird returned to me But all she's say was "Cluck, cluck,cluck!" --Omar Khayyam She was a victim of the male conspiracy.y. -- Gloria Steinem She was dazed and disoriented after the extra-terrestrials abducted and genetically altered her. --Budd Hopkins This Department recalls the distasteful incident of the Chainsaw Subliminals -- World falling -- Photo falling -- Breakthrough in hen yard -- Towers open fire -- Goddam floating whorehouse -- Death is the navigator -- A few may get through to the Gate in Time -- --William S. Burroughs She was brainwashed by the liberal feminazi media. --Rush Limbaugh I will consider my hen, Brigit, For she is a servant of the livinge dawn to praise the Sun in her song, Retiring at dusk like an honest worker, Making by Alchemy from seeds an egg For she fears Death and the Devil Known to her as Fox and Chickenhawk; For she is motherly to her chicks; For she refutes the Atheist and Mechanic Choosing of her free will to cross the road! --Christopher Smart Why, let us freely feather our brutish nests In this barnyard world -- like the hen i' the adage -- Until the Ax of mortality falls on all our necks And we squawk and make one final futile flutter: Then blackest night falls on the king and commoner. --Will Shakespeare To blow, man, to get groovy and dharma blissed-out in the henyard of railroad earth. --Jack Kerouac it all depends on one road here now and one chicken here now in the mud by the wheelbarrow --William Carlos Williams Chickens and roads were not Nor stars nor moon nor earth Until man's mind made all, All, of his bitterness and mirth. --William Butler Yeats I would prefer that my neighbors and the police knew nothing about that chicken, but it would be even better if they knew several things that were quite wrong. --Flann O'Brien I saw a chicken cross the road But could not stop to ask Why she had to hurry so Or what the urgent task. --Emily Dickenson Actually, we'll probably change that on rewrite. --Quentin Tarantino To find a place to plant the other glove. --F. Lee Bailey Give me ten minutes with that chicken and we'll find out. --Tomas de Torquemada A chicken at rest remains at rest; a chicken in motion remains in motion. --Sir Isaac Newton I'm sorry, Ollie. I left the hen-house door open. --Stan Laurel To boldly go where no hen has gone before. -- Capt. James Tiberius Kirk The ideal chicken must ideally cross the ideal road. Therefore, imperfect chickens in this world cross imperfect roads, imperfectly. --Plato She was driven by the lash of economic necessity. --Karl Marx It is the essense of chickens to cross the road. --Aristotle Those who cluck do not know. Those who know do not cluck. --Lao Tse To see what's out there. -- Capt. Jean Luc Picard It was a national security matter. -- Col. Oliver North Oh, never mind that chicken. She's from Barcelona. -- Basil Fawlty Because it's there. --Sir Edmund Hilary The lions still roam the barranca And a hen there is always alone. --The Kingston Trio The telephone pole suggested a phallic symbol and like all female creatures she wanted to be dominated. -- Sigmund Freud The question admits of limitless answers, since there is no one logocentric strategy of discourse that takes primacy over all others. -- Jacques Derrida This chicken problem has many depths, but all of them are equally shallow. -- Oscar Wilde Little chicken, who set thee free To wander here on Highway Three? "Oh, sir, your question's very odd; He is called the Lamb of God." Little chicken, crushed and bleeding, You did not see that auto speeding. "Oh, sir, do not sit and brood: God just had a Tygerish mood." --William Blake Forty-two. -- Douglas Adams It was her True Will to cross just that road on just that day. --Aleister Crowley We made her an offer she couldn't refuse. --Vito Corleone To kiss your skin, to lie with you in moonlight... --Sappho To impose a meaning upon her accidental existence. --Jean Paul Sartre To leave the place she knew for another place And to stay there for a while And then to move onward to a third place. --T.S.Eliot To ask this question denies your own chicken nature. --Buddha Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon the inertial system of the observer. --Albert Einstein It was the next step after coming down from the trees. --Charles Darwin All hens are endowed by Nature and Nature's God with the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of the other side. --Thomas Jefferson When the emperor performs the rites with full reverence, and the court officers behave as true scholars and gentlemen, a hen may cross any road in the kingdom safely. --Confucius The fuckin chicken crossed the fuckin road, okay? No problem, okay? --Jack Nicholson To die. In the rain. --Ernest Hemingway To escape the crawling horror lurking on this side of the road, a nameless and foetid monstrosity that cannot be conceived save in the dreams of madness -- H.P. Lovecraft There was no chicken, no road, no crossing. There was only -- an interpretation. --Friederich Nietzsche Cause I had the fuckin bird pinned to my right nipple when I started chasin Nancy cross the fuckin road wif my fuckin switchblade. --Sid Vicious She was seduced by the dark side of the road. -- Darth Vader She had beady inhuman eyes like strange black jewels and the kind of feathers a bird of paradise might envy. I knew that if they made her a free-range chicken she'd grab the first opportunity and never look back. --Raymond Chandler Mrs. Hahn, Cock's wife, flapflopped from an ova eggspressed (one l'ouvre, end sot) and charged that lewd brigade into any tennis sun in this faunanimal whirled. --James Joyce Carol Christmas never knew if she had actually seen a chicken calmly crossing the street in New York's worst traffic, or if it was another nasty joke by that malign dwarf, Chaney. But now she was seeing chickens at every corner, waiting for the light to change. She saw them most often after coming out of her class on post-modern literature. --Robert Anton Wilson I don't remember. --Ronald Wilson Reagan I will not use a chicken as a frisbee. I will not use a chicken as a frisbee. I will not use a chicken as a frisbee. I will not use --Bart Simpson Nostradamus predicted chicken/Bigfoot horror! --Weekly World News The chicken choose to exercize individual initiative and not wait for a government-funded street-light program. --Newt Gingrich Uncle Ike saw her first: just an ordinary chicken, he thought for a moment, a chicken picking here and pecking there, gradually working her way across the road toward the lawn; but then he felt the fingers tighten on his arm and looked up, astounded, to see him, the Colonel, eyes lit with a new fire, face aglow like a saint seeing a vision: and then it was destiny, a thing pre-ordained, a fatality, for the Colonel did not reveal even to him, Uncle Ike, the secret ingredients, not the names of the herbs and not even the number of them (some would say he used as many as twenty, and others insisted there was butJone magic herb that created that special flavor) and so the secret of the crust remained, a hermetic mystery, an arcanum implacable and inpenetrable, locked in the private places of the Colonel's soul: and yet the vision was real, a true moment of Fate; for the franchises sold almost as fast as they could slaughter and gut the stock, and they spread across the country, across the civilized world, making the Colonel not just a millionaire but a billionaire, and Uncle Ike saw it all, knew it all, from the beginning to the day when the initials KFC were to be seen in every city, every town, every hamlet large enough to own two mules and an Assembly of God church: until now, standing in the franchise in Jefferson, Yoknapatawpha County, where Flem Snopes, the bank president, hawked and coughed and spat on the floor, then hoisted his britches, country style, and said to the waitress, "Make it extra crispy, please." --William Faulkner I ate her liver. With fava beans. And a brandied cranberry sauce. --Hannibal Lecter, M.D. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 15:08:59 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Self-esteem The thing I'm proudest of is my humility, but I have good reason to feel that way. It's because I once was conceited but got over it and now I'm the best liked fellow in town. Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 16:21:42 -0400 From: MikGreene@AOL.COM Subject: music to drive away wild pigs... The post about Michael Jackson's music driving away wild pigs just shows how some things never change. The local deli plays Barry Manilow to drive away wild teenagers. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 16:28:15 EDT From: Mark Bauman <73163.1074@COMPUSERVE.COM> Subject: New Barbie Dolls New Barbie dolls to represent the diversity of women in the 90's: DIVORCED BARBIE (comes with all of Ken's accessories) TEENAGE SINGLE PARENT BARBIE ("welfare check" from Mattel mailed each month) CRACK ADDICT BARBIE (pipe included, sugar may be used to simulate crack cocaine) BOULEVARD BARBIE (with cheap makeup, short skirt, and high heels) LESBIAN BARBIE (Barbie with a butch) LIPSTICK LESBIAN BARBIE (actually no different in appearance from regular Barbie) BULIMOREXIA BARBIE (also no different in appearance from regular Barbie) BRUNETTE BARBIE (the only Barbie with a brain) QUANTUM PHYSICIST BARBIE (yeah, right) BOW-WOW BARBIE (the ugliest Barbie you've ever seen) PUNK BARBIE (has rings in all sorts of strange places) NAVY PILOT BARBIE (comes with a body bag, wrecked fighter jet sold separately) BREAST IMPLANT BARBIE (now Barbie's a D-cup) CANCER PATIENT BARBIE (remove the wig and Barbie's bald) BLACK BARBIE (once your Ken doll goes black, he'll never go back) FEMINIST BARBIE (has unshaved legs and armpits) BATTERED WIFE BARBIE (comes with a restraining order to serve to Ken) BARBIE BOBBIT (with knife, Ken had better watch out) BARBIE BROWN SIMPSON (slashed neck and bloody body, carton of Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough included) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 14:50:20 -0800 From: "CHRIS R. TORRES" Subject: Yo momma... > =-> IS LIKE, > Yo momma like potato chips-- Fri-to Lay > Yo momma like a screen door, after a couple bangs she tends to loosen up! > Yo momma like the pillbury doughboy - everyone gets a poke! > Yo momma like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn! > Yo momma like a T.V. set, even a three year old can turn her on! > Yo momma like a bus, fifty cents and she's ready to ride! > Yo momma like a golf course, everyone GETS a hole in one! > Yo momma like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country! > Yo momma like a tomato source bottle, everyone gets a squeeze out of her! > Yo momma like a shotgun: one cock and she blows! > Yo momma like a hardware store: 4 cents a screw! > Yo momma like Domino's pizza-- Something for nothing > Yo momma like a refridgerator: everyone likes to put their meat in her! > Yo momma like cake mix, 15 servings per package! > Yo momma like a rifle... four cocks and she's loaded. > Yo momma like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, and then thrown in t he gutter. > Yo momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long. > Yo momma like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!" > Yo momma like Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!" > Yo momma like a bubble-gum machine... five cents a blow. > Yo momma like chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap! > Yo momma like a vaccuum cleaner.....a real good suck. > Yo momma like a potatoe chip seller on 42nd street, "LAYS! LAYS!..." > Yo momma like castlebury stew: servings are family size > > =-> SO HAIRY, > Yo momma so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth! > Yo momma so hairy she's got afros on her nipples! > Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock. > Yo momma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture! > Yo momma so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan. > Yo momma so hairy she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro! > Yo momma so hairy she shaves with a weedwhacker > > =-> SO SLUTTY, > Yo momma so slutty she could suck-start a Harley! > Yo momma so slutty she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball! > Yo momma so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her ni ce belt! > Yo momma so slutty she was on the cover of wheaties, with her legs open, and i t said "breakfast of the champs" > Yo momma so slutty that I could've been your daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change. > Yo momma so slutty she had her own "Hands across her ass" charity drive > Yo momma so slutty that when she heard Santa Claus say HO HO HO she thought sh e was getting it three times. > Yo momma so slutty I fucked her and I's a chick! > Yo momma so slutty she blind and seeing another man. > Yo momma so slutty John Holmes just looked at her and got AIDS > Yo momma so slutty she is known as Homecomming Disease > Yo momma so slutty she has Trojan written on her gumline. > Yo momma so slutty the only difference between your mom and a 747 is that not everyone has ridden in a 747. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 18:03:54 -0400 From: Jim Goldman Subject: sage advice, and some random thoughts >completely non-off< This is from the Deep Thoughts calendar, from 4 April 1995 It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something. To Piotr Plebaniak, what the hell does IFC stand for? I think everyone on this list might be interested in that... And I'd like to wish a warm, and heartfelt "Welcome Back" to Bill Edwards, the owner of this list, who recently returned from that strange and foreign land, known as Indiana. Bill, I'm sure you've got quite a few stories to tell us, and, if you consider them funny, please post them here.... Be good, everyone, but not too good..... ; ) Jim ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 17:33:32 -0600 From: Jim Thomson Subject: lawyer joke(offensive to lawyers) The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with it's tongue, and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says"Hey! Knock that off!" The rear tiger says"sorry" and they continue. After about 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out and licks the ass of the tiger in front of him. The front tiger turns around and smacks the rear tiger. "I said stop that!!" The rear tiger again apologizes, and they continue. After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger licks him again. The front tiger turns around and asks "What is with you today?" The rear tiger replies"Well, I just ate a lawyer, and I am trying to get that taste out of my mouth! ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Apr 1995 09:18:00 EST From: "Baddock, Philip" Subject: Big Brother is Watching YOU! TO ALL EMPLOYEES 01/01/1995 TOILET POLICY In the past employees were permitted to make trips to the toilet under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's toilet time, thereby ensuring equal toilet time for all employees. Under the policy a "TOILET TRIP BANK" will be established for each employee. On the first day of each month, employees will be given twenty toilet trip credits. These credits may be accumulated! Within two weeks, the entrance doors to all toilets are to be equipped with personnel Identification Electronic Stations (PIES) and computer linked with voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two (2) copies of his/her voice prints, one normal and one under stress, to the personnel department. The voice print recognition stations will be operational but not restrictive for the rest of the month. When installed, employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during this commissioning period. If and employee's toilet trip bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the toilet will not unlock for that employee until the first of the next month. In addition, all toilet bowls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the toilet door will open. If the toilet remains occupied, your picture will be taken. The picture will be posted on the noticeboard. Anyone whose picture appears any more than three (3) times will have cause for instant dismissal. If you have any questions regarding this policy, please discuss with your personnel officer. MANAGEMENT ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 19:27:43 -0400 From: Chip Depue Subject: Lucky Charms Test < Suggestive > Ok, before you read this you have to know which is your favorite part of Lucky Charms. Here are your options: . *green clovers *blue diamonds *orange stars *pink hearts *purple horses *yellow moons *the oat bits ---------- . LUCKY CHARMS . Amazing new study shows that your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow bit shape determines what you're like in bed! Yes, it's true --- just take this simple test to determine your true bedroom personality: . Green clovers: If your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow shape is the green clover, you're a happy-go-lucky type in bed. You don't take anything too seriously in the bedroom or elsewhere and always manage to have a good time, even if you have someone else with you. You don't have any patience with depressed people and tend to sit on them until they cheer up. . Blue diamonds: If your favorite marhmallow shape is the blue diamond, your thoughts in bed are mostly about what you'll get later. "If he really enjoys this, will he buy me that mink coat?" is probably what's going through your mind. People who like blue diamonds have a notebook of preprinted fill-in-the-blank palimony suit forms and are the people most likely to file their nails while making love. . Orange Stars: If your favorite shape is the orange star, you expect to be the center of attention in bed. You expect your partner to spend most of his time pleasing you and when you do something for him, you expect enthusiastic moaning if not applause. People who like orange stars often have mirrors over their beds, not because they are turned on by watching what is being done, but because they want to be able to watch themselves having a good time. They often moan out their own names while making love. . Pink hearts: If you like pink hearts, you're the romantic type. You like your partner to whisper romantic phrases into your ear and, if he's too distracted to form coherent phrases, you'll settle for romantic syllables. People who like pink hearts read most of the romance novels published and are turned on by people wearing armor. . Purple horseshoes: If purple horseshoes are your thing, your tastes are modern, uninhibited, and somewhat warped. You like variety in the bedroom, especially when you can include handcuffs, chains, swingsets, and chocolate pudding. Be careful when going out on a picnic with anyone who likes purple horseshoes--she's likely to pin you down with croquet hoops when you're not looking and who knows what could happen next? . Yellow Moons: If you're the yellow moon type, you're more interested in satisfying your partner's needs than your own. You prefer to lie back and wait for your partner to jump on you and express her needs verbally or nonverbally. People who like yellow moons usually own several pairs of handcuffs and other instruments of kinky sex just in case someone should ever want to tie them up and ravish them. Keep your eyes open for anyone who eats all the purple horseshoes out of her cereal as soon as she opens the box. . Those little oat bits that aren't marshmallows at all: If you prefer the little oat bits, you probably don't like sex anyway and don't need to read this article. People who prefer the oat bits usually become accountants, librarians who work at the reference desk, or government employees; these people like to chow down on a big bowl brimming with oat bits before a tough day of protesting suggestive lyrics in rock music. People who like oat bits have more time to spend writing letters to the editor than any other type. . Enjoy your Lucky Charms! ---- Another from the lovely Molly ---- >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Chip ;) PS : Here's a drinking cheer for ya' : HERE'S TO YOU AND HERE'S TO ME THE BEST OF FRIENDS WE'LL ALWAYS BE BUT IF WE EVER DISAGREE TO HELL WITH YOU AND HERE'S TO ME !!! ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 17:22:35 -0700 From: Kim-An Lieberman Subject: Elvis and Jesus > SOME THOUGHTS ON ELVIS AND JESUS > >Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) >Elvis said: "Don't be Cruel." (RCA, 1956) > >Jesus is the lord's shepherd. >Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd. > >Jesus was a part of a trinity. >Elvis' first band was a trio. > >Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25) >Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965) > >Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. >Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafai, had 12 members. > >Jesus was resurrected. >Elvis had a famous 1968 "comeback" TV special. > >Jesus said: "If anyman thirst let him come unto me and drink." (John 7:37) >Elvis said: "Drinks are on me." (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957) > >Jesus was a Capricorn. (December 25) >Elvis was a Capricorn. (January 8) > >Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew) >Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis:A Golden Tribute) > >"[Jesus'] countenance was like lightning and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3) >Elvis wore snow white jump suits with lightning bolts. (Los Vegas, 1968) > >Jesus lived in a state of grace in a near eastern land. >Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state. > >Jesus was first and foremost the son of God. >Elvis first recorded with Sun Records, which today are considered to be his foremost recordings. > >Jesus was the lamb of God. >Elvis wore mutton chop sideburns. > >Jesus' father is everywhere. >Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit. > >Jesus was a carpenter. >Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop. > >Jesus wore a crown of thorns. >Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler. > >Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." >Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas. > ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Apr 1995 to 5 Apr 1995 - Special issue **************************************************************