Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 13:57:41 CET From: "Tim Holliefield" Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 May 1995 to 3 May 1995 There are 15 messages totalling 532 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Nun Joke 2. More excuses 3. Insurance claim 4. Talented guy 5. third in a series >vulgar, profanity, off. to everyone< 6. spam haiku 7. David Letterman's TOP TEN LIST - Tue 5/2/95 8. Lessons 9. Sports expertise 10. religious humor 11. It's all in the accent (suggestive lines) 12. 13. political (fwd) 14. Teabag 15. collectables ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 3 May 1995 05:26:45 -0600 From: "Scott H. Brooksby" Subject: Nun Joke A Nun was walking back to the convent late one night after having a lengthy visit with a newly widowed member. She proceeded to walk through the local park when a hooded man jumps out at her, drags her behind a bush, and proceeds to have his way with her. Upon completion the rapist is feeling very guilty and asks the Nun exactly what she is going to tell Mother Theresa. "Well" replies the Nun "I'm going to have to tell her the truth. That is, I was walking through the park, a man jumped out, draged me behind a bush, and had his way with me; TWICE, if you feel up to it?!?" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 May 1995 14:01:06 -0000 From: Michael Forster Subject: More excuses These were sent me by Jan Willem Bol. Hoi en bedankt. THE FOLLOWING IS A PARTIAL LIST OF ACTUAL WRITTEN EXCUSES GIVEN TO TEACHERS IN THE ALBUQUERQUE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM BY PARENTS OF STUDENTS: 1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. 2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. 3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault. 4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side. 5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face. 6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor. 7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over. 8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him. 9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part. 10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines. 11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip. 12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. 13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night. 14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating. 15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach. 16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout. 17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals. 19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 May 1995 09:20:29 CST From: "Rowdy K. Welch" Subject: Insurance claim S.C. Anderson PO Box 1302 Minnetonka, MN 55345 Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review 1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY 05016 Dear Sir: This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put `Stupidity'. I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization. I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid back to its normal position. Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that, when one's privates are firmly attached to an unmoveable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction. Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficent to allow the locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extrcating myself. Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock. Embarassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manner as I could. An employee from the resturaunt quickly arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager. Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)). After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 `On-the-Spot' news team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation. The senior member of the team discovered that the device was attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the one that I was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductable) I did not include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck. The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen. First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of the device as the torch cut through. The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting ambulance as stated on your form. Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization. Sincerely, S. Anderson ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 May 1995 12:00:54 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Talented guy I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous and my left testicle to be the world's greatest lover. Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 May 1995 12:36:41 -0400 From: Jim Goldman Subject: third in a series >vulgar, profanity, off. to everyone< The "Proud to be a Woman" and "Proud to be a Man" poems inspired me... I'm Proud I'm a Hermaphrodyte I am a hermaphrodite, nothing could be finer I have both a penis and also vagina. I pee sitting down, I stand to shit My wardrobe is huge, and everything fits. I have hair on my legs, but my smooth is my chest My hair is as full as a rooster's proud crest. I know that I carry no diseases, no sir! When your partner's yourself, of that you are sure. When people ask me my sex, I say, well, "Maybe" I'm sterile, so my children will be someone else's baby. If I feel like a girl, I'll go out in dresses and heels If I want to be the boy, I also know how that feels. Yes, I'm a hermy, and I couldn't be prouder I use both aftershave and make-up powder. By definition I am bisexual, my friends But so would you be, if you possessed both ends... You should be jealous, my life, my bathroom shelf, Envy me that I can truly screw myself... Jim ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 May 1995 13:47:20 EST From: JOHN STONE Subject: spam haiku On 3 May 1995 at 10:31, Ed Grether (EGRETHER@SMTP{egrether@wsu.edu}) wrote: A collection of SPAM Haikus ========================== Pink tender morsel, Glistening with salty gel. What the hell is it? -------------- Ears, snouts and inards, A homogeneous mass. Pass another slice. -------------- Cube of cold pinkness Yellow specks of porcine fat. Give me a spork please. -------------- Old man seeks doctor. "I eat SPAM daily", says he. Angioplasty. -------------- Highly unnatural, The tortured shape of this "food": A small pink coffin. -- Ed Grether grether@wsunix.it.wsu.edu http://www.wsu.edu:8080/~grether/ You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in their struggle for independence. -- C. A. Beard ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 May 1995 13:43:00 EST From: Cintron Jose Subject: David Letterman's TOP TEN LIST - Tue 5/2/95 > From New York: Tell 'em Dave sent you ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Tuesday, May 2, 1995. And now, a man who just doesn't care for cilantro ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN OTHER REASONS PEOPLE ARE SUING MCDONALD'S 10. One in every 50 McNuggets has a pink, cord-like tail 9. Filet-O-Fish actually just deep fried plywood 8. You know those fancy French fries? Them boys ain't exactly coming from France 7. A woman from Delaware ate three Big Macs at one sitting, & her ass inflated so rapidly that her car turned over 6. Mayor McCheese vidoetaped in hotel room smoking ketchup- flavored crack 5. Red clown hairs in the fries 4. Grimace keeps breaking into furniture stores and trying to mate with the bean-bag chairs 3. Found a McNail in the McNuggets 2. When asking "Would you like fries with that?", counterperson forgot to add, "Mr. President" 1. That ain't special sauce [Music: "Java" by Al Hirt] Compiled by Sue Trowbridge ---------------------------------------- LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN 11:35 p.m. ET/PT (10:35 CT/MT) on the CBS Television Network ---------------------------------------- On Wednesday's show, Dave welcomes ...actor SINBAD ...musician HARRY CONNICK JR. This list is sponsored by Yoyodyne Entertainment, Inc. We are also responsible for games of skill via email. For more information on our games write to yoyo@sgp.com. The Top Ten List is Copyright (C) 1995 Worldwide Pants, Incorporated. Used with permission. The latest Top Ten can be retrieved at any time by sending e-mail to TOPTEN@INFOMANIA.COM ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 May 1995 16:00:20 -0400 From: Lee Bradley Subject: Lessons I've copied this from a printed column (doesn't seem to be a newspaper, however) that a friend send me. I've re-arranged the entries so that the different writers will appear in chronological order. I've learned that ... ... whining doesn't solve problems. --Age 10 ... I should neve let my little brother take me for a ride in the golf cart. --Age 11 ... your "I can" is more important than your "IQ." --Age 14 ... you don't know the value of a dollar until you've earned it yourself. --Age 17 ... I drive faster when a good song comes on the radio. --Age 22 ... when you are in love, it shows. --Age 28 ... when your wife simply answers "Nothing" when you ask what's wrong, you're in deep trouble. --Age 37 ... having three teen-aged sons at the same time in the same household is as close to temporary insanity as I ever want to be. --Age 39 ... of all the bad four-letter words, DIET is the worst. --Age 54 ... a kindness given to one person is contagious and will be passed along. --Age 55 ... you should never take your teeth out while flushing the commode. --Age 72 ... if you pray for your enemies, you will stop hating them. --Age 74 ... I wouldn't feel 85 years old if I didn't look in the mirror. --Age 85 ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 May 1995 15:05:00 PDT From: "Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber (Star" Subject: Sports expertise [forwards--OUCH! "damn"] What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK! ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 May 1995 18:17:51 EDT From: Chris French Subject: religious humor ----------------------------Original message---------------------------- At a small parish in rural New England there lived a priest, and several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the church were beginning to fray. She went to the priest and told him "Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon." The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told her that he thought that she had been there long enough to refer to church property as "our" not "your." Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge needed to be trimmed. She again went to the priest and told him "Father, I've noticed that your...I mean our hedge needs to be trimmed." The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his attention and this time asked her if she had seen his watch that had gone missing. She assured him she would look for it. Another few days passed, and the parish recieved word that the bishop would be coming for a visit. The whole parish was in a uproar of cleaning, etc. On the day the bishop arrived, the same nun came down the front stairs yelling "Father, Father, I found your watch!!" The bishop said, "How wonderful my child." After saying hello to the bishop, the nun turned to the priest and said "Why yes, Father, I found it under OUR bed." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 May 1995 18:25:25 -0400 From: Gwen Eckman Subject: It's all in the accent (suggestive lines) Top 12 Sexually Tilted Lines in the Movie STAR WARS: 1. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid. 2. Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough! 3. Look at the size of that thing! 4. Sorry about the mess... 5. You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought. 6. Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper? 7. You've got something jammed in here real good. 8. Put that thing away before you get us all killed! 9. Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time? 10. Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care WHAT you smell! 11. You're all clear, kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home! 12. Get on top of it! Top 11 Sexually Titled Lines in the Movie THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: 1. And I thought they smelled bad on the outside! 2. Possible he came in through the south entrance. 3. I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid? 4. Hurry up, golden rod... 5. That's OK, I like to keep it on manual control for a while. 6. But now we must eat. Come, good food, come... 7. Control, control...You must learn control! 8. There's an awful lot of moisture in here. 9. Size matters not...judge my by my size do you? 10. I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me! 11. Would it help if I got out and pushed? ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 May 1995 17:47:46 +0100 From: Robert Cant Subject: A young Iranian window washer is washing the top set of windows of an eighty story building when suddenly, one of the cables on the scaffolding broke and the young man was left dangling from the platform by his fingertips. The man cried,"Praise Allah! Help me!" *DING! An angel appeared above him* "Do you believe?", asked the Angel. "But of course, I believe" "Then....let go." The man thought about it for a minute, then continued to cry,"PRAISE ALLAH! HELP ME, HELP ME!" Once again, the angel asked, *DING!*"Do you believe?" "But of COURSE, I believe!!" "Then let go." Once again, the man thought about it, and then continued screaming, "PRAISE ALLAH!! HELP ME, PLEASE!" *DING!* "Do you believe?" "Yes, I do believe.", said the man, and with that, he released his grip on the scaffolding.. *simulated cyber-whistling/falling sound effect goes here* *SPLAT!* High above, the Angel just shook his head and smiled.... "Don't know how I ever got into Heaven the way I hate Iranians." AMADEUS ;> ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 May 1995 18:09:06 -0500 From: Cliff Johnson Subject: political (fwd) Am I correct in my understanding that the bomb that destroyed the federal building in Oklahoma City was made from a mixture of fertilizer and fuel oil? If this is true, how many more incidents of mass death and destruction must we endure before our federal lawmakers do their governmental duty and enact laws that require a mandatory five-day waiting period and background check for everyone buying fertilizer and fuel oil? Isn't it apparent that the manufacture and sale of such instruments of death and destruction should be banned completely? Well, on second thought, maybe not. After all, fertilizer doesn't kill people, people kill people. And we all know that when fertilizer is outlawed, only outlaws (or terrorists) will have fertilizer. Reprinted w/o permission from Chuck Johnson, Public Pulse, Omaha World Herald ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 09:42:18 +1000 From: Belinda Goodenough Subject: Teabag Q. What do you call a male teabag? A. A Hebrew ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 May 1995 19:15:21 -0500 From: "March L. Warn" Subject: collectables Can anyone out there help me find the following HARD TO FIND COLLECTABLES (part one)? 1) Official Dan Rostenkowski postage stamp dispensers 2) American Lung Association ash trays 3) M.A.D.D. 12 volt beer coolers 4) American Heart Association butter molds 5) A.S.P.C.A. riding crops 6) Branch Davidian matchbook covers 7) Womens' Temperance League brandy snifters 8) A.A. shot glasses 9) USMC issue ear rings 10) Save-The-Whales scrimshaw whaling ships 11) "I Visited the World Trade Center" bumper stickers in Farsi 12) Official "Twilight Zone" toy helecopters 13) "Challenger" brand bottle rockets 14) Leona Helmsly's Dale Carnegie Diploma 15) "I Love Yassir" bumper stickers in Hebrew 16) Linda Blair's "Exorcist" crucifix 17) Madonna's chastity belt 18) Official Vatican City Health Department prophylactics 19) R. J. Reynold employee lounge "No Smoking" signs 20) Joan Crawford's Mother of the Year trophy 21) Father's Day cards signed by the Menendez brothers 22) Alex Haley's adoption papers 23) Anita Hill's invitation to the Clarence Thomas confirmation party 24) "Flood of '93" bath mats 25) U.S. Forest Service fireworks 26) American Cancer Society spittoons (part two to follow) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 May 1995 to 3 May 1995 **********************************************