]Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 13:57:38 CET From: "Tim Holliefield" Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 May 1995 to 5 May 1995 There are 12 messages totalling 266 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Sorority Girls Part 1 2. Doctor Joke < mild adult theme> 3. driving 4. Word play 5. Matrimony, Radio Recipe, Slow + Murphy 6. Month-End Report 7. Tattooed 8. Not offensive 9. right! 10. a family potluck 11. Dog's Life (slightly profane) (fwd) 12. Texas Rancher ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 00:54:17 EDT From: "KRIS S. HAMILTON" Subject: Sorority Girls Part 1 What does a soroity girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive? Her Legs What's the difference between sorority girls and hookers? Sorority girls cost less per score What's the difference between sorority girls and elephants? About 40 pounds What's the difference between sorority girls and the Titanic?` Only 1500 went down on the Titanic Why is a sorority girl like a doorknob? 'cause everyone gets a turn What's a sorority girls mating call? "I'm soooooo drunk, I'm soooo drunk" Tri Delts everyone else has!!!! What do fraternity boys call hemorrhoids? Speed bumps What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing in Cuba? Bay of Pigs I hope you enjoy this!!!!!!!!!! ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 02:03:34 -0400 From: Clare Haney Subject: Doctor Joke < mild adult theme> "Well, Mr. Jones, I see by your chart that you think you have the ability to turn into a human organ." "That's right, Doc. It's terrible." "I see you've been a heart, a kidney and a lung." "Yes. I'm so ashamed." "What are you, nuts?" "No, that was last week. Right now I'm a small intestine." :::::::::::::rimshot! ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 05:02:21 -0500 From: Karen Hughes Subject: driving The following are a sampling of supposedly real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders). Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car? A: Always wear a condom. Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too ____-faced to find your keys. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 06:46:45 -0400 From: Larry Scott Subject: Word play Three ladies were trying to get an appointment to get their hair permed and each woman was told that only one appointment was available and whoever arrived first would get the charming Raoul. One lady jumped into her sports car and started driving to the hair salon, and other lady got into her speed boat and cut across the lake to her car and headed for the salon, the third lady jumped into her helicopter and made it to the salon first. The moral of the story is the Whirlybird gets the perm. * * * Overheard at a bridge table: "Did you hear about poor Mrs. Smith? The doctor says she can't have any more babies." "Oh, poor dear. So now she's inconceivable?" (Giggle) "No, no, dearie, you've got the wrong word there. You should have said that she was unbearable." "Heavens, what malaprops you are! The correct word is impregnable!" "Inconceivable!" "Unbearable!" "Impregnable!" (In comes the husband of one of the ladies.) "Ladies, what's going on?" "Oh Mr. Johnson, we got into a little argument about Mrs. Smith's condition. Do you know what the correct word is?" (Slight pause) "I believe you should say 'Mrs. Smith is inscrutable.'" Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free? Originally from Phil Swisher ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 19:36:53 GMT+1200 From: MaRViN aND MaLou Subject: Matrimony, Radio Recipe, Slow + Murphy "I've been asked to get married plenty of times," said the country girl with a toss of her head and with some pride. "Who asked you, Daisy?" asked a boy friend. "My Pa and Ma," she replied. ------------------- His wife asked him to copy a radio recipe. He did his best but got two stations at once without realizing it. This is what he heard and wrote: "Hands on hips, place one cup of flour on your shoulder raise knees, and depress toes; mix thoroughly in one-half cup of milk; repeat six times. Inhale quickly one half teaspoon of baking powder, lower the legs and mash two hardboiled eggs in a sieve; exhale, breathe naturally and sift in a bowl. Attention. Lie flat on the floor and roll in the whites of two eggs backward and forward until it comes to a boil. In ten minutes, remove from fire rub smartly with a rough towel. Breathe naturally, dress in warm flannels and serve with tomato soup." When the wife saw the recipe, she fainted. ------------------- A man and his wife were talking. She said, "Bill, the oddest thing happened today. That wall clock fell off the wall, and if it had fallen a moment sooner, my mother would have been hit." "God!" said the man. "I always knew that clock was slow." ------------------- Murphy for the day: -------------------- Allen's Distinction: The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 10:49:03 EST From: Vickie Arwginski Subject: Month-End Report All targets met; All systems working; All customers satisfied; All staff eager and enthusiastic; All pigs fed and ready to fly. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 12:29:42 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Tattooed A man walked into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis. When the owner expressed curiosity about such an unusual request, the man said, "I have three reasons for wanting this tattoo...I like the feel of money, I like to see my money grow and the next time my wife wants to go shopping and blow a hundred dollars, I figure I can save her the trip." Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 13:08:07 EDT From: "R. W-L" Subject: Not offensive What does the Elephant say to the naked man? "How do breathe with that?" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 13:51:00 -0400 From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" Subject: right! > "Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and his > left leg??" > "He's all-right now!" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 14:03:12 -0400 From: MikGreene@AOL.COM Subject: a family potluck I'm the last of six chillun's. Five of us are online wasting bandwidth, the sixth has retired to Arizona and refuses to be ensnared by modern technology. Getting her to buy an answering machine was a major achievement. The five bandwidth wasters are gathering in the SF Bay Area in May. One of my brothers posted this. "How about a potluck...after all this rain, we've got lots of earthworms. We skewer them with darning needles , roll them in marshmallow and l'orange dip, and then roast'm in the Weber! Indescribably tasteworthy...except we don't eat'm. We feed them to some eels whose ultimate destination is the barbie! Eel raising is fun...All you gotta do is to keep feeding them and give them highly oxygenated water and five gallons of water per eel! Simple. Then you get to eat them....um good! " My long island sister responded, "If eel's good, do it." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 16:05:02 -0700 From: Mark S Hutchenreuther Subject: Dog's Life (slightly profane) (fwd) The dog's outlook on life: If you can't eat it or screw it, piss on it. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 21:55:39 -0400 From: Gene Child Subject: Texas Rancher The Texas Sheep Rancher Joe Smith from Texas was a sheep rancher. One Easter when his wife and children were dyeing eggs the back yard one of the sheep ran got loose. The sheep ran right under the table where the the bowls of dye were arranged. The sheep bumped the table, knocking all the dye over onto its back. The farmer was very irate but when he sent that sheep to market with all the others in his flock he was amazed to find that dyed sheep brought several times the price he was able to get for his other lambs. It seems that in the textile industry they had found that dyeing the wool while it was still on the sheep gave the finished fabric a unique sheen. The next year the farmer purposely spilled egg dye over all his sheep before he sent them to market. He became known as the biggest lamb dyer in Texas. >From Gene Child & Shaggy Dogs Have Punny Tales ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 May 1995 to 5 May 1995 **********************************************