Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 14:07:37 CET From: "Tim Holliefield" Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Jun 1995 to 3 Jun 1995 There are 11 messages totalling 356 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Alzheimer's and cancer. (fwd) 2. SLUGGO press review 3. bubbles 4. Oracle Info & Mandatory Joke(s) 5. Two More Classic Country Music Titles 6. Orange you sorry you did that? 7. two more great c-w songs 8. only slightly (by this list's standards) vulgar 9. Bronze 10. Bama jokes: Top 10 Majors 11. Fun Things to Do in an Elevator!!!-part 1 of 2 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 00:20:05 -0400 From: Ilya Goldin Subject: Alzheimer's and cancer. (fwd) The Guyness and Ladyness Quotient Quizzes reminded me of this classic. I couldn't believe I got the 5 bonus points.. ;) A guy walks into the doctor's office. Doctor: Well, I have the results from last week's analysis. Guy: Well? Doctor: Well, I've bad news, and worse news. Guy: Oh Lord! Give me the bad news first. Doctor: You have Alzheimer's. Guy : What could be possibly worse than that?! Doctor: You also have cancer. Guy : God, help me! Oh, wait, what was the first one again? +---------------------------------------------------------------+ | igoldin@capaccess.org | The lunatic is in my head. | | Don't take life seriously, it's not permanent. | +---------------------------------------------------------------+ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 01:31:23 -0400 From: Imre Kertesz III Subject: SLUGGO press review DISCLAIMER: SLUGGO NEWS BRIEFS is a parody of daily international news. Every person, government, religion, etc. that makes headlines is a target. I don't discriminate. SLUGGO NEWS can be offensive; there are too many topics to provide individual disclaimers. I welcome any suggestions, input, or criticism. _______________________________________________________ SLUGGO NEWS BRIEFS by The Newsguy v9 HIGHLIGHTS 1. (NEW YORK) At least eight people were killed and 14 more injured Friday in clashes between pro-Barney demonstrators and members of SCAB (Scared Citizens Against Barney) opposed to the live showing of the giant, purple cult leader. The violence erupted at a massive demonstration by thousands of toddlers marking the third anniversary of the staggeringly popular television show that ousted CTW's Sesame Street. Tanks and armored jeeps blocked New York's Metropolitan Theater to prevent the demonstration from erupting in to wide-scale chaos. The seemingly docile Tyrannosaurs made an appearance encouraging the tots to sing songs and brush their teeth. A gunman in a giant yellow bird costume was arrested, frantically claiming that Barney was out to destroy this generation of children. The National Guard was called in to assist police but the riot dispersed when the sold-out Barney show was cancelled. Barney himself was quoted as saying "Superrrrrr - de - duper!" -Geuter 2111, 30 Sep- 2. (U.S.-JAPAN) No U.S.-Japan trade truce emerged by a midnight deadline for action as negotiators tried to salvage at least a partial deal before president Clinton weighs sanctions action on Saturday morning. The trade truce had crawled in to a service conduit earlier Friday and negotiators tried in vain all weekend to get it to come out. Japanese Trade Minister Ryutaro Hashimoto sent his cat "Dung" in to fetch the frightened trade truce ending in tragedy when it devoured the feline. Hashimoto, known for his sparring style and bluff jokes, was visibly shaken by the incident. A senior U.S. official said Clinton would not decide exactly what sanctions course to pursue until breakfast time, when top chefs would get a chance to lure the elusive trade truce out of the service conduit with an array of yummy goodies. -SLUG, 01 Oct. 3. (CUBA) More than 200 Cubans were rescued Monday by the U.S. Coast Guard and sent adrift in the Bermuda Triangle. The experiment, headed by a multi-national research team is aimed at testing the theory that methane pockets under the Triangle are responsible for pulling ships under the surface. Cuban president Fidel Castro authorized the use of Cuban refugees for the experiments. The month- old experiment that has sent thousands of refugees in rafts and inner tubes in to the Triangle hasn't yet produced any answers to the mystery. -SPLUEGE, 12 Sep- CAPSULES 1. (WASHINGTON) Doctors in Washington, responding to President Clinton' s complaint that he has a good idea, have finally diagnosed the problem. The diagnosis indicates a small particle of brain lodged in the president's head. Doctors claim that a full recovery is possible if it is removed. -SLUG/PYTHON 1581, 04 Oct- 2. (CHECHNYA) Rebels fighting to topple Chechen strongman Dzhokhar Dudayev in Chechnya got him to teeter precariously for about 5 seconds but officials alleged that he righted himself at the last second. -SLUG, 04 Oct- 3. (ISRAEL) A senior State Department official said Tuesday the U.S. would consider contributing ham-hocks and bourbon to expedite an international Israeli-Syrian peace settlement. Such a contribution would be similar to the post WW2 summit with Japanese leaders where charcoal dolls were brought as gifts. -SLUDGE 1649, 04 Oct- 4. (JAPAN) One of the most powerful earthquakes in its history struck Japan on Tuesday night but caused surprisingly few casualties and little damage. The nature of the quake was unusual in the fact that the epicenter of the quake seemed to move from the coastline, in to the city and back to the coastline. Speculation that a large, reptilian creature was involved is still under investigation. -GLUT, 04 Oct- 5. (BURUNDI) Burundi, whose president was killed in a tragic toaster oven accident that touched off the Rwandan massacres, chose former U.S. President Jimmy Carter as the new head of state. -SLUG, 30 Sep- 6. (RUSSIA) President Boris Yeltsin has called a news conference, a relatively rare occurrence, for next Tuesday, apparently to mark the first anniversary of the crushing of his political enemies under a 47 ton concrete block. -BLOATERS 0952, 01 Oct- __________________________________________________________ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 12:56:01 GMT From: Kuno Sandholzer Subject: bubbles A mother held her little daughter twenty minutes under water not to make her any troubles but to see the funny bubbles. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 06:10:59 -0700 From: MachuPicchu Subject: Oracle Info & Mandatory Joke(s) To all who have asked me for the Oracle address: It is as follows -- oracle@cs.indiana.edu For instructions and further details, write the word "help" in the subject line. Now for the mandatory joke(s): Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies. (from the Pastor's Story File, Vol. 10, Numb. 8, p.2) A really good friend is someone who mails you an unsigned birthday card -- so you can mail it to someone else on short notice. (anonymous author) The problem with justice is that it is no longer admissible in a court of law. (anonymous author) ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 12:25:08 EDT From: Ted Hermary Subject: Two More Classic Country Music Titles [After replying to Lyle personally, realized this qualified as real humor...] Two other classic country music song titles - from _Johnny Cash at Folsom Prison_: "Dirty Old Egg Sucking Dog" "Flushed from the Bathroom of your Heart" Martin (Ted) Hermary (A.B.D.) Department of Sociology McGill University 855 Shebrooke Street West Montreal, Quebec, Canada H3A 2T7 e-mail: czth@musica.mcgill.ca ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 19:51:38 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Orange you sorry you did that? A young man walked into his doctor's office complaining about having an orange colored penis. The doctor asked if he'd tried washing it off and the patient said he had but it had no effect. "Did you spill some chemicals on it at work?" asked the doctor. "I'm, presently out of a job." "Well, what do you do all day?" the doctor asked. The patient answered, "I mainly watch porno movies and eat Cheetos." Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 18:23:02 -0400 From: John McWilliams Subject: two more great c-w songs On 2 July MR LYLE J KINNAMAN posted four of the greatest country-western songs ever. Here are two more to compliment his list: there must be others! My tears Have Washed 'I Love You' from the Blackboard of My Heart and Thank You Dear God For Victory In Korea The latter my all-time favorite. John ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 18:23:07 -0400 From: John McWilliams Subject: only slightly (by this list's standards) vulgar A man stands on the sidewalk, and every few minutes he makes a face, spits "PTOOEEY", and says, "What a driver!". People who notice give him a wide berth. A cop walks by, watches the man for a while, then goes up to him. "Just what's going on here?" he demands. The man makes a face, spits "PTOOEEY! What a driver!" The cop gets red in the face, brandishes his nightstick, says, "You tell me what you're doing or I'm running you in for vagrancy! Take your choice!" The man says, "Well officer, I was standing on a street corner minding my business, when a lady drives up, and she starts to park a car this long" - holds hands about 3 feet apart - "into a space this long" -holds hands about a foot apart - "and I said to her; lady, if you can park that car in that space I'll kiss your ass. PTOOEEY! What a Driver!" John & Mary Ellen McWilliams Frontier Heritage Alliance 1004 Big Goose Rd. Sheridan, WY 82801 307-674-4954 (voice and fax) jmcwilli@wave.sheridan.wy.us ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 20:36:46 -0400 From: Larry Scott Subject: Bronze Note: The characters' speech should be spoken in a fake Asian accent. The r's and l's should be merged into an intermediate sound. When South Vietnam was nearing its end, and General Minh was in charge, a popular artist came to him and asked to make a statue in his honor (at government expense). "Please, General Minh, you are the people's hero," he told him. "Yes, but make the sculpture in bronze," replied the general. So the artist made the sculpture, but when it was unveiled in a small private ceremony, the general was furious. For the sculpture was made in gold. "I want bronze," he said, "I want bronze!" The artist went away in a hurry, deeply impressed with this show of humility. But he still wanted to honor the general, so he made the next sculpture in silver. But again the general was furious. "I want bronze," he said, "I want bronze!" This time the artist made the sculpture out of bronze as asked. When the sculpture was revealed to the general, he was overjoyed at the wonderful bronze likeness. The artist then complimented the general on his deep humility. This notion confused him very much. "But why did you want sculpture made of bronze?" "Why? I'll tell you why," said the general. "Because General Minh prefer bronze!" Thanks (?) to Dave Coble :-) ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 23:26:14 EDT From: George Subject: Bama jokes: Top 10 Majors The University of Alabama (USA) football team is being put on probation for major rules violations. This has generated many new Bama jokes and the Alabama faithful have not lost their well- known sense of humor. Over the past ten years the ten most common majors for University of Alabama football players have been: 10. Fundamentalism 9. Drawin' and colorin' 8. Socialization 7. Personal Finance 6. Live Studio Wrestlin' 5. Numbers 4. Television interviewin' 3. Weight liftin' 2. Remedial Education And the number one, the most popular major at the University of Alabama, and they are proud of it, is: 1. Southern Redneck Culture ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 23:44:38 -0400 From: Lindsay Hancock Subject: Fun Things to Do in an Elevator!!!-part 1 of 2 > Fun Things to Do in an Elevator!!!-part 1 of 2 > ---------------------------------- > > Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. > > Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: > "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" > > Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" > incessantly. > > Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside > yell: "Got enough air in there?" > > Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, > without getting off. > > When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the > doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. > > Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake > and ask them to call you Admiral. > > One word: Flatulence! > > On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it > stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the > shaft go "plink" at the bottom. > > Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then > announce: "I've got new socks on!" > > When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: > "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!" > > Meow occassionally. > > Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. > > Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!" > > Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Jun 1995 to 3 Jun 1995 **********************************************