Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 14:07:35 CET
From: "Tim Holliefield" <thollief@admin.ed.umuc.edu>
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Jun 1995 to 4 Jun 1995

There are 14 messages totalling 766 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. St. Peter Jokes <off. to Catholics (?) 1st mildly naughty; 2nd off. to
     lawyers and priests>
  2. Traffic Report and Soviet Humor >non-offensive<
  3. Book Titles (Part 1 of 2) <suggestive, moderately inoffensive>
  4. SLUGGO press review <political>
  5. Blonde Jokes with Answers 1/2 (Risque)
  6. face rings a bell
  7. geriatric sex
  8. Bama Probation humor <college football fans only>
  9. The ultimate answer <off. to atheists>
 10. Legislature in action: ballad of the South Carolina budget
 11. HOOKER (offensive to hookers?)
 12. Sick!        off. Downs Syndrome:
 13. Frogs
 14. Personal Ads <adult language>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 3 Jun 1995 23:07:21 -0600
From:    Mark Pendleton <mpendlet@LIB.NMSU.EDU>
Subject: St. Peter Jokes <off. to Catholics (?) 1st mildly naughty; 2nd off. to
         lawyers and priests>

There is a long line of applicants waiting to get into heaven one day. To
relieve the boredom, St. Peter leaves a junior angel in charge at the gate,
and strolls down the line chatting here and there.

He's gone about 30 feet when he stops before a married couple and says "I'm
sorry, but you two can't enter". "Why not?!" demands the man angrily. "Well,
you obviously love food more than God, since you married a girl named Candy"
says St. Peter. Sadly, they turn away.

About 10 minutes later, he comes to another couple, and throws them out.
"THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!" shouts the man. "I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION!!!"
"That's easy", says St. Peter, "anyone who would marry a girl named Penny
must love money more than God, and those people go to the other place."

Just about this time, three couples back in line, a man turns to his wife
and says "Come on Fanny, there's NO hope for us, we might as well leave!"

===========================++++++++++++++++=============================

On their way to church to get married, a couple is killed when a truck
driver goes to sleep at the wheel and his rig crashes head on into their
VW bug. St. Peter welcomes them at the pearly gates and invites them in.

The woman isn't so sure. "Actually, we were on our way to get married,"
she explains, "and unless we have your word we can get married here,too,
we're not interested." St. Peter is a bit taken aback, but sends an angel
off to make inquiries.

A year, a decade, a century go by, and still teh couple sits at the gate
waiting for an answer. Meanwhile, they have been thinking, and decide that
they need to know if divorces are possible in heaven too. After all, the
marriage might not work.

Finally, the angel returns with the good news--yes--they can get married
in heaven. The man rather sheepishly says "We've been talking,... and....
um,.... well, thanks for all the trouble....but what if we don't get along...
could we get a divorce here as well?"

"WHAT THE #@**^?!+????!!!!!"    shouts St. Peter in exasperation "It took
a hundred years to locate a priest here, and now *** you *** want *** us ***
TO LOOK FOR A *&$#@! LAWYER?!??!!"

That's all for now, folks!
Mark Pendleton, Reference Librarian     mpendlet@lib.nmsu.edu
Branigan Library              Phone:    505/526-1048 voice
Las Cruces, NM  88001                   505/527-6181 fax
"By Gum....For a second there, it all made sense!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 4 Jun 1995 02:28:44 -0400
From:    Jim Goldman <JimGPhynn@AOL.COM>
Subject: Traffic Report and Soviet Humor >non-offensive<

Hello everyone, and welcome to the month of June...  Allow me to introduce
myself...  My name is Jim and I'll be your traffic reporter (for the
evening?)...  Once a month I will post this report to the HUMOR mailing
list...  I have chosen the day after the first Saturday of the month as the
date when you shall all be tortured by my posting of the report...  Mark your
calendars...

As you can see, for the past week we averaged 16.0 posts a day...  This is
good.  HUMOR goes out to 6,642 subscribers, both concealed and non-concealed,
in a total of 61 countries...  518 of us, myself included, grace the pages of
this list with random and sultry examples of our humor...  If you are among
the 6,124 subscribers who do not submit, just send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU
the command GET HUMOR GUIDE      There you will learn everything you would
possibly need to know...


 Here is the current weekly traffic report:

                Traffic Report for HUMOR, 28 May - 3 June
                  (Number of articles posted each day)

                  4 Weeks   3 Weeks   2 Weeks   1 Week     Last
Date   Day          Back      Back      Back     Back      Week

 28  Sunday          13         8         7        6        11
 29  Monday          17        15        12       17        11
 30  Tuesday         15        23        21       16        19
 31  Wednesday       16        19        14       20        18
 1   Thursday        19        13        16       30        22
 2   Friday          12        18        13       14        20
 3   Saturday         9         9         9        9        11

  Averages          14.4      15.0      13.1     16.0      16.0

Subscriptions       6,436     6,525     6,544    6,564     6,642
Countries            55        57        57       60        61
Contributors         488       487       491      506       518

Here is a list of countries with unconcealed members:

Argentina, Australia, Austria,  Bahrain, Belgium, Brazil, Bulgaria, Canada,
China, Columbia, Croatia, Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt, Estonia,
Fiji, Finland, France, Germany, Great Britain, Greece, Hongkong, Hungary,
Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan,
 Korea, Latvia, Lithuania, Macedonia, Malaysia, Mexico, Mozambique,
Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Phillipines, Poland, Portugal, Romania,
Saudi-Arabia, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland,
Taiwan, Thailand, Turkey, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela
These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does not
include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board,
area distribution lists, etc.

The purpose of the Posters list is to protect our readers from
careless, quarrelsome, and selfish contributors. To become a
member request the instructions by sending the command GET HUMOR
GUIDE from our LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU address.

** The following are the goals of HUMOR:

To provide a daily average of 10-20 substantial examples of
humor.
To provide a diversity of humor: sources, forms, and subjects.
To provide freedom of expression for contributors and protection
of sensitivities for readers.

** The following are the brief version of HUMOR's rules:

1) Three rules protect HUMOR from complaints.
  Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor.
  Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive.
  A contributor who violates rules may be suspended.

2) Six rules protect HUMOR members from excessive traffic.
  Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted.
  Discussion, requests, and criticisms should not be posted
  One contribution per day.
  No personal attacks, no apologies, and no reactions.
  Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 lines
max).
  Conserve bandwidth: Avoid blank lines. No ASCII art. No
signature file.

And now for a sampling of humor from the Soviet Union (when it still WAS the
Soviet Union)   >non-offensive<

     A schoolboy sees a picture of a dear, and he had never seen a deer
before, so he askes his teacher, "What is this?
     The teacher responds, "Why, that is a creature they write all of the
poetry about..."
     So the schoolboy immediately says, "So that's what Lenin looks like!"



Jim Goldman, Traffic Reporter   (jimgphynn@aol.com)
=====================================================================
To leave the contributors list send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command
SIGNOFF HUMOR-P.
To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR.
To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUB HUMOR Call-
name FamilyName. A command goes in the 1st line of the message field.

To leave the contributors list send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command
SIGNOFF HUMOR-P.
 -----------------------------

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 4 Jun 1995 10:07:03 GMT-5
From:    Little Joe <JWALENCI@ACC.JBU.ARKNET.EDU>
Subject: Book Titles (Part 1 of 2) <suggestive, moderately inoffensive>

Thanks to all who responded and sent fictitious book titles!  Some had
many variations and are not all printed here.

"100 Yards to the Outhouse" by Willie Makeit
and its sequal "The Slippery Path" by Betty Dont

(Those two, in one form or another, were the most common!)

Others:

"Trail Through the Desert" by Peter Dragon
"The Tiger's Revenge" by Claude Balls
"Tracks in the Sand" by Wun Hung Lo
"Blind Man's Bluff" by I.C. Nuttin
"Waiting for a Bus" by Stan Dinghere
"Hanging Out with the Boys" by Peter S. Longer
"Looking for Love" by Ivonna Hooker
"Twist and Shout" by Torri Nado
"The Ruptured Chinaman" by One Hung Low
"Spots on the Wall" by Hoo Flung Poo
"Shorter Skirts" by Seymour Butts
"Hole in the Bed" by Mr. Completely
"Antlers in the Treetops" by Who Goosed the Moose
"Yellow River" by I.P. Daley
"Five Years in the Saddle" by Major Ashburn
"Open Toga" by Seymour Hair
"Miles and Miles of Little Brown Piles" by Squat & Run
"Threesome" by Sharon Peters
"Moon Shine" by Ilene Dover
"The Butt Man" by Phil McCrevis
"The Constipated Clergyman" by Pastor Hardy
"Behind the Pyramid" by Mustapha Crap
"How to Write your Name in the Snow" by I.P. Standing

More later.....

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 4 Jun 1995 11:12:28 -0400
From:    Imre Kertesz III <Ikertes@AOL.COM>
Subject: SLUGGO press review <political>

DISCLAIMER:
SLUGGO NEWS BRIEFS is a parody of daily international news.
Every person, government, religion, etc. that makes headlines
is a target. I don't discriminate. SLUGGO NEWS can be
offensive; there are too many topics to provide individual
disclaimers. I welcome any suggestions, input, or criticism.
______________________________________________________

SLUGGO PRESS REVIEW by THE NEWSGUY v10

H I G H L I G H T S

1. (KOREA/CZECH) Visiting Czech Prime Minister Vaclav Klaus and
South Korean President Kim Young-sam swapped wives on Thursday
and discussed ways to expand economic cooperation and other ties
between the two nations. A South Korean presidential spokesman
said Kim asked Klaus to throw in a case of vodka to even the deal
because Klaus' wife is an invalid and would not provide an
aggressive challenge. The deal will apparently help more South
Korean firms take part in a telecommunications modernization
project in the Czech Republic. -SLUG, 06 Oct-

2. (U.S.-JAPAN) Two of Japan's top negotiators died Saturday when
a rogue trade-truce they had been chasing through an
air-conditioning duct turned on them. A four man team, made up of
two Japanese and two American negotiators entered a service
conduit late Saturday night to find the frightened trade-truce.
The search team apparently found the little beast, but it became
cornered and attacked the team. The Americans reportedly used the
two Japanese negotiators as shields to make their escape, but the
two deny the accusation. -SLUG, 01 Oct-

3. (PAKISTAN/US) A threat to harm U.S. citizens prompted the
State Department to warn Americans in Karachi, Pakistan, to
"get the f*ck out of the country". The U.S. consulate has
received death threats, letter bombs, Pieces of friends and
relatives mailed in attractively wrapped packages, and venomous
snakes. "These developments may present a threat to the security
of Americans on Pakistan, " an international relations expert in
the State Department said in an announcement Wednesday.
-PU, 05 Oct-

4. (SARAJEVO) On Thursday Bosnian Serbs withdrew threats to
shoot down U.N. relief planes, concentrating their firepower on
the orbiting space-shuttle Endeavor, A spokesman from NASA
commented that "Either the stupid shits have come up with an ICBM
or they actually think the Endeavor is within their weapon's
range." Lt. Col Samual Clemmens, commander of Endeavor's current
satellite placement mission made a special broadcast to the
Serbian commanders saying "Here's your target!", after which
the entire crew lined up in front of the Endeavor's 'windshield'
exposing their backsides, in hopes that the Serbs at least had
a telescope with the range required to reach the shuttle.
-GEUTER, 06 Oct-

CAPSULES

1. (LESOTHO) Lesotho's King Letsie restored power on Wednesday
much to the relief of the country's residents who rely on
electricity, state radio reported. -GEUTER, 14 Sep-

2. (USA) An executive order has been issued to ban the phrases
"Plastic Packages", "Liquid Refreshment", "Sandwiches", and
"Skewers" from use in government offices, industry, techno-lingo,
and song lyrics. There was no explanation given for the order.
punishment for unauthorized use of the phrases will be a $10,000
fine and/or 20 years imprisonment. -SLUG 15 Sep-

3. (RUSSIA) Some 7,000 communist sympathizers chanting "Boris
Yeltsin is a fag" paraded with red flags on Sunday in a protest
through Moscow to commemorate those killed under a 47 ton
concrete block at the Russian White House last year. In a related
story, president Yeltsin is recovering from a gunshot wound to
his posterior that he received when he displayed it to the angry
sympathizers. -SPLEUTERS, 02 Oct

4. (NORTH KOREA/UN) North Korea dispels doubts that Kim Jong-il,
son of the late president, has inherited his father's
Rude-Intruder calling him "as big of a blatantly obvious
pedophile as his father" -BLOATER, 06 Oct-

5. (MIDEAST/SYRIA) Another barrier between Arabs and Jews fell
Wednesday when Syria's Foreign Minister Farouk al-Shara
accidently crashed in to it with his truck. -GEUTER, 05 Oct-

-Newsguy----------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 4 Jun 1995 11:56:37 -0500
From:    Ex-Maximum-Leader of the Humor List Junta <paul@TDR.COM>
Subject: Blonde Jokes with Answers 1/2 (Risque)

This is longer than 100 lines so part 2 appears tomorrow.


--Forwarded from List BUGTRAQ-REQUEST@FC.NET--

Date: Mon, 29 May 1995 18:25:42 +0100
From: Karl Strickland <karl@bagpuss.demon.co.uk>
Subject: Blonde Jokes

How do you drive a blonde crazy?
--Hide her hairbrush.
Why do you take a blonde shopping with you?
--So you can park in the handicapped spaces.
Why does a blonde wear panties?
--To keep her ankles warm.
How does a blond turn on the lights after having sex?
--Opens the car door.
What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
--An interpreter.
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?
--Artificial intelligence.
What is the difference between a blond and a 747?
--Not everyone has been in a 747.
Why did the blonde have a bruised belly-button?
--Her boyfrind was blonde too.
How do you give a blonde more headroom?
--Adjust the steering wheel.
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
--Wave.
How did the blonde get hurt raking leaves?
--She fell out of the tree
How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
--Shine a flashlight in her ear.
What did the blonde say after her boyfriend blew in her ear?
--Thanks for the refill.
What do you call 10 blondes standing side by side?
--A wind tunnel.
What do you call a circle of blondes?
--A dope ring.
How do you drown a blond?
--Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
--Put a mirror on the bottom of the pool.
What do blondes put behind their ears to attract men?
--Their ankles.
What goes VROOM! SCREECH! VROOM! SCREECH! VROOM!
--A blond at a flashing red light.
What is the difference between a pregnant blonde and a lightbulb?
--You can unscrew a lightbulb.
What does a blonde say when she finds out she's pregnant?
--Gee, I hope it's mine.
What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
--You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
--You can't get a blonde in a bowling ball.
What does a blond say when she opens a box of Cheerios?
--Look at all the doughnut seeds!
Where does a blonde wash her hair?
--In the sink...where else do you wash your vegetables?
How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
--Tell her a joke on Friday.
What do you do if a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
--Pull the pin and throw it back.
Why did the blonde have a hard time making Kool-Aid?
--She couldn't get all the water in the little packet.

Second Half Tomorrow

Source--Unknown

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 4 Jun 1995 15:49:54 CDT
From:    Bob Terry <raterry@SAUMAG.EDU>
Subject: face rings a bell

     Quasimodo is getting on in years and needs an apprentice
bellringer, so he places an ad in the LES TEMPS classifieds.  Next
morning, an armless man shows up at his door.
     "What do you want?" quoth Quasimodo.
     "I'm here to be your apprentice bell ringer."
     "B-b-b-but you have no arms, monsieur; how can you ring the
bell?" queries Quasimodo, with unimpeccable logic.
     But the armless (and also unarmed!) man pecks logic
nonetheless and insists on an audition under the Disabled Citizens
Act.  So Quasimodo takes him to the bell tower and the armless
wonder races up the stairs to the bell loft, old Quasimodo huffing
and puffing after him [no, dear friends, he is not the Big Bad
Wolf, just an old hunchback].
     Once both are in the tower, the newcomer tells Quasimodo to
watch, takes a run at the largest bell, and hits it smack with his
face.
     "BBOOONNNGGG," peals the great bell, as it swings away.
     "See what I can . . . ," says the bellringer apprentice
wannabe, turning to Quasimodo.
     "BBOOONNNGGG," resonates the great bell again, as it swings
back into the armless man, knocking him out the opening on the west
side of Notre Dame's belltower.
     " . . . dooooooooooooooooooooooooooo?" continues the armless
man as he plummets two hundred feet to the cobblestones below.
     When the gendarmes investigate, all Quasimodo can tell them
is, "I never knew his name, but his face sure rings a bell."
     Next morning Quasimodo is roused from a sound sleep by a
persistent knocking at his door.  When he opens it, there stands
another armless man, remarkably similar to the previous day's
catch.
     "What do you want?" quoth Quasimodo, perhaps not wanting to
break tradition in greeting armless men.
     "My brother died yesterday trying out for your apprenticeshiop
opening, and I'm here to uphold the family honor!  I will be your
apprentice in my brother's stead."
     Quasimodo is understandably loath to deal further with this
absurd family, but armless man II argues forcibly, repeating
frequently the word "honor," which, to the French, is sacred.  So
Quasimodo yields to the entreaties and follows the man up the tower
stairs.
     Once both are in the tower, the brother of the late aspiring
apprentice asks Quasimodo to watch, takes a run at the largest
bell, and hits it smack with his head.
     "BBOOONNNGGG," peals the great bell, as it swings away.
     "See what I can . . . ," says bellringer apprentice wannabe
number II, turning to Quasimodo.
     "BBOOONNNGGG," resonates the great bell again, as it swings
back into armless man II, sweeping him out the opening on the west
side of Notre Dame's belltower.
     " . . . dooooooooooooooooooooooooooo?" continues armless man
II as he plummets two hundred feet to his brother's fate on the
cobbles below.
     When the gendarmes investigate, all Quasimodo can tell them
is, "I never knew his name, either; but he's a dead ringer for his
brother!"
---------------------------

        Someone has pointed out to me that the clergy and staff of
Notre Dame de Paris recently discovered a small car which pranksters
had reassembled in the bell loft of the cathedral.  They called it
"The Hatchback of Notre Dame."
---------------------------
        Incidentally, *The Hunchback of Notre Dame* is not about
football.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 4 Jun 1995 15:58:35 CDT
From:    Bob Terry <raterry@SAUMAG.EDU>
Subject: geriatric sex

        An octogenarian, looking for a little fun, wanders away from
his rest home, encounters a prostitute, and propositions her.
        She looks him over and says, "Old man, you've had it."
        "I have?" he says.  "How much do I owe you?"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 4 Jun 1995 17:02:12 EDT
From:    George <EDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Bama Probation humor <college football fans only>

Friday, I was listening to the University of Alabama sports station in
Birmingham after Bama released some of the records about their NCAA
investigation. The Alabama sports announcer sadly reported that UA
President Roger Sayers had given Athletic Director Hootie Ingram a
letter of reprimand over his handling of the cheating scandal. Then the
announcer cheerfully reported that President Sayers had sent Coach Gene
Stallings a letter of admonition.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 4 Jun 1995 16:41:37 EDT
From:    MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: The ultimate answer <off. to atheists>

A group of the world's leading computer scientists got together and
created a gigantic computer.  It had hundreds of 120 pentium chips
linked together, more than 1,000 ten gigabyte hard drives and ran at
speeds in excess of 5,000 MHz.  After months of feeding in data, the
leading scientist sat down at the keyboard and typed in, "Is there a
God?"  The answer instantly flashed up on the huge monitor, "There is
NOW!"   Lyle's Joke Boutique.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 4 Jun 1995 18:16:34 -0400
From:    "CURT BRAMBLETT <ZZBRAMBLETTC@ACAD.WINTHROP.EDU>"
         <zzbramblettc@ACAD.WINTHROP.EDU>
Subject: Legislature in action: ballad of the South Carolina budget

The South Carolina legislature adjourned June 1 without a budget
for the new year. Two legislators wrote a song about it, as
follows:

Ballad of the Budget 1995
(SC Legislature: Scott Richardson, Molly Spearman)

(TUNE: The Gambler by Kenny Rodgers)

(John Drummond was Senate Finance Committee Chair)
(Wilkins was Speaker of the House)
(David Beasley was Governor)
(Shannon Faulkner was woman wanting to go the The Citadel; Converse
     is a college in upstate Spartanburg)
(CHE is the Commission on Higher Education)
(Write me with any other questions)

On a budget bound for nowhere
The House members had a problem
The Senate was a-spending
The tax break they had planned.

Drummond came a-smiling
He knew he had them running.
Building all those bridges
And pipe dreams in the sand.

Wilkins was a-steaming
Cause Beasley was a-dreaming
Of settling all his problems
With a nuclear power plan.

Don't look like Shannon's going
To march in The Citadel's corps.
We're sending her Upstate
To knock on Converse's door.

     You got to know when to hold 'em.
     Know when to fold 'em.
     Know when to walk away.
     Know when to run.

     You don't count your money
     While you're sitting at the table.
     There'll be time enough for counting
     When the dealing's done.

Higher ed's a-fuming.
CHE's a-smiling.
For the fate of all the colleges
Is still sitting in their hands.

But the people are so happy.
There ain't no more inspections.
They can drive their own jalopies
All over Carolina land.

The video-poker boys are happy.
They got everything they wanted
By handing over millions
To pay for all this pork.

     You got to know when to hold 'em.
     Know when to fold 'em.
     Know when to walk away.
     Know when to run.

     You don't count your money
     While you're sitting at the table.
     There'll be time enough for counting
     When the dealing's done.

They ain't no deal for anyone
Until the budget's done.


------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 4 Jun 1995 19:31:19 -0500
From:    "March L. Warn" <mwarn01@MAIL.COIN.MISSOURI.EDU>
Subject: HOOKER (offensive to hookers?)

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up.

"Any specific problems you should tell me about?"  the doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it
seems to bleed for hours."  she replied, "Do you think I might be a
hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic disorder, and
it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be
a hemophiliac.  Tell me, how much to you loose when you have your
period?"

After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven
or eight hundred dollars, I quess."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 4 Jun 1995 15:18:46 -1000
From:    Cecil RichardMahony <cecilm@KALAMA.DOE.HAWAII.EDU>
Subject: Sick!        off. Downs Syndrome:

Mr. Downs, a severely retarded individual, just comes home from work
shoveling tar in pot holes, and sits down at the table for his dinner.

"I have just the potroast you always love," says his equally retarded wife.

She serves him a huge plate of meat.

"Where's the vegetables?" he asks.

"Oh," she says, "they haven't come home from school yet."

Rick :)

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 4 Jun 1995 22:18:26 -0400
From:    Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Frogs

  A chicken goes into a library and takes out a book. The librarian thinks
this is a bit strange, but lets it go out.
  In ten minutes, it brings the book back and gets out two more. Again the
librarian lets it.
  In another ten minutes, it returns and takes out three books after
returning the others. Intrigued, the librarian asks his friend to cover
for him, and he follows the chicken.
  It goes down the street, round the corner to the edge of a pond, where
it shows the books to a frog, which looks at each book and says, "Reddit,
reddit.

  A frog was mired deep in the rut of an old muddy road. As hard as they
tried, his friends couldn't pull him out. After exhausting all their
efforts, they sadly gave up and left. But the next day they found their
friend by the pond, joyful and very pleased with himself.
  "How did you get free?" they asked in astonishment. "We thought you
couldn't get out of that rut."
  "I couldn't," explained the frog, "but a truck was coming, and I had
to."

  A grandfather and his small grandson are walking in the park.
  GRANDSON: "Make like a frog granddad."
  GRANDDAD: "What?"
  GRANDSON: "Make like a frog."
  GRANDDAD: "Why?"
  GRANDSON: "I was talking to grandma and she told me she would take me to
Disneyworld after you croaked."

  A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management
training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need
to make decisions and take action on these decisions. "For instance," he
said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump,
how many frogs would you have left on the log?"
  The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two." "Wrong," replied the
speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between
deciding to jump and jumping."

  A man went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw
a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached
down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then
he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no
food. All he had was a bottle of bourbon.
  So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went
off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed
such good deeds. He thought everything was great until about ten minutes
passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With
stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back
with two frogs!

  A young woman walking in the park one day accidentally stepped on a
frog. She picked it up and took it home. That night, she put it under her
pillow and the next morning the frog was gone and there was a handsome
young man sleeping beside her. She couldn't believe it....Neither did her
mother and father!


 Thanks to DAVE COBLE  :-)

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 4 Jun 1995 20:16:46 -0700
From:    Linda Formichelli <lindafor@VIOLET.BERKELEY.EDU>
Subject: Personal Ads <adult language>

Dear Humor Readers:

This is just part of my collection of amusing personal ads.  I'm looking to
expand my collection with ads from around the world for possible
publication.  I would appreciate any ads that make you laugh ou loud; some
potential headings are "Men who Lie," "Too Good to be True" and "Be Careful
what you Wish For..."  Ads can be sent (with the name and city of paper and
date of publication) to me by e-mail or to: 938 Solano Ave., Albany, CA
94706.  If an ad you sent is used for publication, your name will be
listed!

Thanks!
Linda Formichelli

Recovering Catholic, WM, 42, with the guilt of a breast fixation, seeks
understanding woman for romantic relationship.
-Sf Weekly

SWF seeks heavy daddy in big pants. Must have convenience store hours and
be unafraid to wear jumpsuit.
-SF Weekly

Warm and sarcastic guy in late 20's wants to take you to a junkyard.
-SF Weekly

My dog and I are alot alike.  We're both 35, but look and act younger.
We're both fit and trim, have dark hair and eyes, we're handsome, funny,
intelligent and like all foods.  I don't hump my pillow.
-Bay Area Express

Single white male, early 30's, Bay Area native, fit, kind, nice looking,
liberal professional.  Seeking an imperfect, intelligent, thin (similar
age) female who, like me, has baggage that is small enough to fit under
one's seat.
-Bay Area Express

Major Hooters
Major Bill Hooters, at your service, Ma'am. WM, 47, humorous, liberal,
lively, affectionate, seeks busty lady with similar qualities, 35-45,
5'7"-plus, wright in proportion to height.
-Guardian

234 yr. old Italian male seeking gorgeous Italian female, 18-24, for
romantic dinners, walks & 4-wheel fun.
-Poughkeepsie Journal

Girls ever wish you could pee standing up? Stop squatting in the woods,
start using urinals. My ex-girlfriend showed me. i can teach you.
Individual or group lessons available.
-SF Weekly

Are you an attractive woman with shapely legs, nice figure and a pretty
face? He's a man who will treat you well regardless of your personality.
-Detroit Metro Times

SBM is looking for a man who likes to let her toenails grow. Marriage is
desired.
-Detroit Metro Times

Baby Maker
To women who want babies.  I, handsome, WM, will inseminate the natural way.
-Guardian

If you're short/tall, petite/large, young/elderly, blonde/red
head/brunette, I'm your man.
-Detroit Metro Times

Seeking sex-loathing insecure woman, terrified of her own body, completely
asexual, humorless, narcissistic, for boring conversation, bloody steak
dinners, unfiltered Camel smoking marathons, insensitive encounters.
Seeker: clitoral-ignorant impotent male.
-SF Weekly

Do you like claustrophoblc spaces? Anti-social young woman seeks someone
who hates the light of day. Smokers and drug takers preferred. No
vegetarians. I'm mean, nasty and give as good as I get.  Any takers?
-Guardian

No Cosmo Readers
Berkeley grad student (24, 5'8", 165lbs, dark hair, eyes, temperament)
longs to be seduced by beautiful older woman, 35-ish. My idea of foreplay
is getting undressed in front of a mirror. Hobbies include Charlies Angels
reruns and baby seal clubbing.  You: look great in a bathing suit and can
educate me on and off the golf course.
-Guardian

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Jun 1995 to 4 Jun 1995
**********************************************