Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 14:26:53 CET
From: "Tim Holliefield" <thollief@admin.ed.umuc.edu>
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Jul 1995 to 2 Jul 1995

There are 14 messages totalling 575 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Traffic report and humor >sexual, a little bit sick<
  2. HUMOR: When Men Shop
  3. HUMOR - MAKE HIM  LAUGH.
  4. First <some political commentary>
  5. bum in women's lockers (sexually suggestive)
  6. HUMOR: Assorted selections
  7. Been in Japan (too) Long? 1/3
  8. Sin??
  9. An absent-minded professor <off to absent-minded professors>
 10. Fwd: thanks for the correction (2)
 11. Scandinavian Yokes (Part 1)
 12. Battle Hymn of Finals
 13. Carry out food <adult themes>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 2 Jul 1995 00:39:51 -0400
From:    Jim Goldman <JimGPhynn@AOL.COM>
Subject: Traffic report and humor >sexual, a little bit sick<

Cruising above the infobahn in my AOLicopter, this is Jim Goldman with
the traffic report.
   Once a month this report goes out to the subscribers of this list.
I warned you last month, and now here it is.
   First I want to thank everyone on this list for your continued encourage-
ment andsupport.  :)  I want my mailbox to be open to everyone and anyone who
has a concern, question, or problem pertaining to this list.  That's
JimGPhynn@aol.com
   I've gotten a few questions from different people on this list that I
think should be addressed here.  One person asked what it means to be a
"concealed" subscriber.  Simply put, for one reason or another the
subscriber does not want this list traced back to him or her.  If you want
to do this yourself, send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR
CONCEAL.  This and much more you can find by sending the listserv address
the command GET HUMOR GUIDE.  My question to those of you who are, in fact,
concealed, is "Why do you have your membership concealed?"  I promise that
my reasons for asking are simply based on curiosity, and that I will
immediately delete your mail once I have read it...  And if anyone emails
me asking what kind of answers I got to that, I will NOT tell them...
 And now, at long last, here is the current weekly traffic report:

                Traffic Report for HUMOR, 18 June - 24 June
                  (Number of articles posted each day)

                  4 Weeks  3 Weeks  2 Weeks   1 Week    Last
Date   Day          Back     Back     Back     Back     Week

 18  Sunday          11       14        9        9       11
 19  Monday          11       34       14       15       18
 20  Tuesday         19       18       14       17       20
 21  Wednesday       18       20       20       13        7
 22  Thursday        22       20       17       18       15
 23  Friday          20        9       14        8       10
 24  Saturday        11       11       12        4        6

  Averages          16.0     18.0     12.9     12.0     12.4

Subscriptions       6,642    6,663    6,753    6,805    6,844
Countries             61       60       60       62       62
Contributors         518      524      524      529      529

Here is a list of countries with unconcealed subscribers:

  Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Belgium, Brazil, Bulgaria,
Canada, China, Colombia, Costa Rica, Croatia, Czech Republic, Denmark,
Ecuador, Egypt, Estonia, Fiji, Finland, France, Germany, Great Britain,
Greece, Hongkong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland,
Israel, Italy, Japan, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Lithuania, Macedonia,
Malaysia, Malta, Mexico, Mozambique, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway,
Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Saudi-Arabia, Singapore, Slovakia,
South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Turkey, Uruguay,
USA, and Venezuela

These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board,
area distribution lists, etc.  These numbers include both concealed
and non-concealed subscribers.

The purpose of the Posters list is to protect our readers from
careless, quarrelsome, and selfish contributors. To become a
member request the instructions by sending the command GET HUMOR
GUIDE from our LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU address.

** The following are the goals of HUMOR:

To provide a daily average of 10-20 substantial examples of
humor.
To provide a diversity of humor: sources, forms, and subjects.
To provide freedom of expression for contributors and protection
of sensitivities for readers.

** The following are the brief version of HUMOR's rules:

1) Three rules protect HUMOR from complaints.
  Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor.
  Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive.
  A contributor who violates rules may be suspended.

2) Six rules protect HUMOR members from excessive traffic.
  Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted.
  Discussion, requests, and criticisms should not be posted
  One contribution per day.
  No personal attacks, no apologies, and no reactions.
  Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 lines
max).
  Conserve bandwidth: Avoid blank lines. No ASCII art. No
signature file.


And now for some obligatory humor >sexual, a little bit sick<

  A suburban matron walked past a pet store and was unable to resist
an adorable Pekinese puppy.  Being in an erotic mood at the nime, she
named it Titswiggle, and she became devoted to her pet.
  One morning just as she was drying off from her shower, she was
horrified to spot her little dog squeezing through the fence and running
off down the street.  Panicked and stark naked, she ran downstairs and out
into the street, but by then the only creature in sight was an early morning
jogger.  "Excuse me, sir," she called out, "but I've lost my dog.  Have you
seen my Titswiggle?"
  "No," panted the jogger, coming to a stop and pulling down his pants, "but
do you wanna see my bird do the hustle?"

Jim Goldman, Traffic Reporter   (jimgphynn@aol.com)
=====================================================================
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SIGNOFF HUMOR-P.
To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR.
To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command
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A command goes in the 1st line of the message field.
 -----------------------------

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 2 Jul 1995 01:51:28 -0400
From:    Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: HUMOR: When Men Shop

from the book "Cruel Shoes" by Steve Martin
"When Men Shop"
    When men shop the clerks come out in awe.  The splendid men stooping for
scarves and cologne.  Forget the bargains and the layaways, for when men shop
they go directly to the goods.  "I'll take it with me!" say the men, "Don't
need no help, I'll take this to the car meself!"  Men can scarcely conceal
how casually they regard their purchases.  They toss them on the back of the
car seats, often breaking them before they get home.  The wives are never
dismayed when they see what their man has bought.  When men shop they set
things right in their household.  What's the bowl without the spoon?  What's
the TV without the remote control whistle switch?  And what will you do when
you see him coming, approaching the counter with his checks and ID?  Bring
out the best, the back counter stuff and watch what happens when men shop.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 2 Jul 1995 06:15:46 -0400
From:    BEN SHAUL <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: HUMOR - MAKE HIM  LAUGH.

 ========SYS.LIMIT,UPERR CASE========
 HI,GEOFF_HAPER.IT'S FROM MY MEMORY.

 THIS KING WAS WILLING TO GIVE 1000 SILVER TO THE PERSON HOW WILL MAKE
 HIS DONKEY LAUGH.MANY PEOPLE TRIED AND FAILED. ONE DAY A LITTLE GUY CAME
 AND SAY "I'LL MAKE YOUR DONKEY LAUGH,YOUR MAJESTY".HE APPROACH THE DONKEY
 AND WHISPER SOMETHING ON THE HEAR,THE DONKEY START LAUGHING AND COULD NOT
 STOP.THE KING WAS AMAZED SO HE TOLD TO THE GUY THAT HE WILL GIVE HIM 2000
 SILVER IF HE'LL MAKE THE DONKEY CRY.
 THE LITTLE GUY APPROACH THE DONKEY,TURN HIS BACK TO THE KING,SAY SOMETHING
 AND THE DONKEY START TO CRY.
 THE KING COULD NOT BELIEVE HIS EYES SO HE ASK THE GUY HOW HE DID IT
 "IT'S SIMPLE,MY KING" SAY THE GUY "I TOLD THE DONKEY THAT MY TOOL IS LONGER
 THAN HIS,SO HE LAUGH"
 "THAT'S CUNNING" SAYS THE KING "BUT HOW DID YOU MADE HIM CRY"
 "WELL,YOUR MAJESTY,I JUST SHOW HIM".

 ===============================================================
 SORRY,SYS.LIMIT,MAY BE IN UPPER CASE.NOT OFFENSIVE OR SHOUTING!
 ===============================================================

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 2 Jul 1995 09:30:56 EDT
From:    Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: First <some political commentary>

Consider Socks, the Clintons' cat. The name instantly evokes the
sort of cuddly, down-home empathy, the unvarnished familiarity,
that this president practices most effectively. That's why Socks
attracts an immense amount of mail, more than 200 letters a day,
as a consequence of which a fan club was instituted, with its own
director, staffed by people who handle the correspondence and
publish Socks's fan club letter.

These activities did not escape the watch-dog eyes of Repre-
sentative Dan Burton, a Republican member of the new Committee on
Government Reform and Oversight. One of his first acts was to
write the White House demanding to know how many taxpayer dollars
were being "wasted" on the president's "feline fan club." He took
aim at the cost of postage, stationery and envelopes as "the type
of waste the American public wants to get rid of."

On the surface it might seem that Burton is merely being a
sourpuss, supercilious and fiscally dogmatic. But his attack on
fan club finances might be more shrewdly directed against the
growing media power of the "First Cat" and the subtly coded
messages it conveys.

The White House response to Burton's inquiry was categorical: the
congressman had neglected to note that in the last administration
Millie Bush, the English springer spaniel belonging to the
Bushes, had had an important fan club, similarly subsidized by
the government. Millie, just like Socks, spent taxpayer money
answering her own mail. She, too, sent fans her large picture
postcards that were similarly "signed" with an authentic paw-
print. In short, the White House concluded, fan clubs are no more
Demo-cat than Re-pup-lican. <Richard Klein, New Republic, 10 July
95>

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
=====================================================================
To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR
To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUB HUMOR Call-
name FamilyName. A command goes in the 1st line of the message field.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 2 Jul 1995 09:37:16 -0400
From:    Adina Sobo <AdinaS@AOL.COM>
Subject: bum in women's lockers (sexually suggestive)

      A drunken bum, having finished his ripple, was looking for somewhere
comfortable
to sleep it off.  He staggered in through the service entrance of the golf
club, and leaned against the door to the women's lockers. It opened, tipping
him in.   He saw in front of him the gleaming floor, with many padded benches
and thought that surely he was in heaven.  Slipping out of his clothing, he
lay down on one of the benches to sleep, and then, when he didn't pass out
quite so quickly as usual, he snagged the front page of the paper & spread it
over his face.
     A group of women, finished with their game, came in to change into
street clothing.
     Gladys let out a muffled shriek:  "Ladies, there is a naked man on that
bench!  Who could it be?"
     Edith looked the man up and down, and said "I certainly don't know, but
it isn't MY husband."
     Mable inspected the protrate form, and agreed.  "You're right, and it
isn't MY husband either."
     Ginger had her look, too, and said "We'd best call the management.  I
don't recognize him as a member of the club at all!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 2 Jul 1995 07:43:31 -0700
From:    MachuPicchu <star1357@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: HUMOR: Assorted selections

From: THE READER'S DIGEST *1938*

The Treasury recently released a story to the effect that if all the
money in circulation were divided equally, every person in the United
States would have $50.38.  What the Treasury failed to add was that if
the national debt were divided the same way, every person would owe
approximately $285.00.

We've heard of a lady who hailed a taxi on Central Park West and gave
an address in the East sixties. She then sank back in a corner, lost in
thought, and the next time she glanced out the window was considerably
surprised to find herself in the outskirts of Harlem. "Hey!" she
shouted to the driver who nearly jumped out of his skin. "My God,
lady," the fellow said, slowing down, "I forgot all about you!"

British Diplomacy: London drivers and chauffeurs enliven many occasions
by their wit and sarcasm. One, seeing a pedestrian directly in his way,
drew up, leaned out, and very politely inquired: "I say, Sir, may I ask
what are your plans?"

British Diplomacy: Waiters, of course, are not in a position to snap
back at ill-bred guests; but one English headwaiter once made the
perfect retort to an uncouth customer: "My position, Sir," he said,
"does not allow me to argue with you; but if it ever came to a choice
of weapons, I would choose grammar."

Gaylor Craig, of Lincoln, Neb., accidentally swallowed a half dollar.
When they prepared to operate, Craig started a dime-a-chance pool on
guesses at the date on the coin. Harry Martin, correctly guessing
'1936,' won the pot. [MachuPichhu's note: Nowadays, it would be better
to provide a nice prize and use the principal to help pay for the
operation!  -- and open the raffle to the internet!]

At a reception in Washington, a young man was asked by a widow to guess
her age. "You must have some idea," she said as he hesitated. "I have
several ideas," he admitted with a smile. "The only trouble is that I
hesitate whether to make you ten years younger on account of your
looks, or ten years older on account of your brains."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 2 Jul 1995 12:04:37 EDT
From:    Ted Hermary <CZTH@MCGILLA.BITNET>
Subject: Been in Japan (too) Long? 1/3

Reposted from soc.culture.japan, where it was posted by Sunil L.
Khatri <skhatri@coho.halcyon.com>, with minor cosmetic changes.
(Ask me no questions and I'll answer you lies - I can't explain most
of these.)

You've Been In Japan Too Long When...
Part 1

You know you've been in Japan too long when...
...you notice you've forgotten how to tie shoelaces.
...you rush onto an escalator, and just stand there.
...you find yourself bowing while you talk on the phone.
...you don't hesitate to put a $160 note into a vending machine.
...when you are talking on the telephone to your parents and your father
says, "Why are you interrupting my explanation with grunts?"
...you see a gaijin get on the train and think "Wow, it's a gaijin!"
...you start thinking canned coffee tastes good.
...when you wait for the first day of summer to wear short sleeve dress
shirts.
...you don't think it unusual for a truck to play "It's a Small World"
when backing up.
...you really enjoy corn soup with your Big Mac.
...you think the opposite of red is white.
...you leave your expensive bottle of Royal Salute with a sleazy
barkeeper and don't worry.
 ...you appear for your first skiing lesson with brand new Rossignol
high performance racing skis and an aerodynamic racing suit with color
matched goggles. And then snowplow down.
...you buy a potato-and-strawberry sandwich for lunch without cringing.
...when you squat waiting for a bus to come.
...you phone an English-speaking gaijin friend and somehow can't bring
yourself to get to the point for the first 3 minutes of the
conversation.
...you stop enjoying telling newcomers to Japan 'all about Japan'.
...you automatically remember all of your important year dates in Showa
numbers.
...you think every foreign movie title contains the word 'love.'
...people stop complementing you on your Japanese, and start asking you
where you had your nose and eyes done.
...you noticed 7-11 changed its onigiri wrapping houshiki for the 3rd
time.
...you find a beautiful way to eat natto.

Reposted by:
Ted Hermary
czth@musica.mcgill.ca

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 2 Jul 1995 12:59:22 -0400
From:    Jack Tanner <Fatjac@AOL.COM>
Subject: Sin??

And they brought to Jesus the woman caught in adultery and said  " This woman
has just been caught committing adultery. The law of Moses says she should be
stoned to death.  What do You say?"

And Jesus said to them " Let ye who art without sin cast the first stone."
 Then he turned and began to write in the sand.

A huge rock flew out of the crowd and hit the poor woman in the head.

Jesus turned and said " Mother!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 2 Jul 1995 19:18:56 +0100
From:    Marek Jedlinski <marekjed@KRYSIA.UNI.LODZ.PL>
Subject: An absent-minded professor <off to absent-minded professors>

An absent-minded professor asks a co-ed: "So, did you go to the show
last night?" "No, I didn't," says she, "I spent all evening in bed."
"Ah yes, of course. Did many people come?"

Marek.
[ marekjed@krysia.uni.lodz.pl ]

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 2 Jul 1995 14:16:26 -0400
From:    Jack Tanner <Fatjac@AOL.COM>
Subject: Fwd: thanks for the correction

I was reading in PCNovice about Smartdrive and checked mine out. I noticed
there were no buffers set.
I don't understand half of what I know about this but I rememeber a friend
saying that my problem in being only able to send a page of email at a time
was in not having enough buffers.
Anyhow I wondered if this might be an area to investigate.
Regards,
Jack
---------------------
Forwarded message:
Subj:    Re: thanks for the correction
Date:    95-06-23 13:05:01 EDT
From:    Fatjac
To:      MAPorterEM

Well, that's one less thing to worry about.

Jack

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 2 Jul 1995 14:21:47 -0400
From:    Jack Tanner <Fatjac@AOL.COM>
Subject: Fwd: thanks for the correction

Sorry got the wrong address on the last message.
---------------------
Forwarded message:
Subj:    Fwd: thanks for the correction
Date:    95-07-02 14:16:50 EDT
From:    Fatjac
To:      humor@uga.cc.uga.edu

I was reading in PCNovice about Smartdrive and checked mine out. I noticed
there were no buffers set.
I don't understand half of what I know about this but I rememeber a friend
saying that my problem in being only able to send a page of email at a time
was in not having enough buffers.
Anyhow I wondered if this might be an area to investigate.
Regards,
Jack
---------------------
Forwarded message:
Subj:    Re: thanks for the correction
Date:    95-06-23 13:05:01 EDT
From:    Fatjac
To:      MAPorterEM

Well, that's one less thing to worry about.

Jack

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 2 Jul 1995 20:59:11 EDT
From:    KEITH E SULLIVAN <DNWU64A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Scandinavian Yokes (Part 1)

Johan:  I finally got your sister to say yes.
Nels:  Svell.  Good News.  Ven is da vedding?
Johan:  What vedding?

Ludwig made a visit to the church on the corner near his home, found a
priest and proceeeded to make a confession.
   "Father, I got some tings to tell you about.  I had an affair vid da
vidow on Oak street last veek.  And dis veek I been getting togedder
vid a couple married vomen in my apartment."
   "Well," said the priest, "for penance you better go home and say 40
Hail Marys."
   "Oh, I ain't Cat'lick," exclaimed Ludwig.
   "You're not CATHOLIC"? exclaimed the priest.  "Then, why are you
telling ME?"
   "Becoss," said Ludwig, "I'm telling EVERYBODY!"

Two Norwegians were walking down the street in St. Paul when they
encountered a neighborhood priest with his arm in a cast.
   "Vhat happened to your arm, Fadder?" asked one of the Norwegians.
   "I slipped in the bathtub and broke it."
   Later, one Norwegian asked the other, "Vhat is a bath tub?"
   "How should I know," retorted the other.  "I'm not a Catlick."

Sven:  I have the best hearing aid on the market.  Cost me $3,000.
Nels:  Vhat kind is it?
Sven:  Five O'Clock.

An old Norwegian sea captain operating out of New York had a ritual
each morning while at sea.  The First Mate would observe the Captain
going to a wall safe, taking out a piece of paper, examining it briefly,
then putting it back and locking the safe.  After 20 years of this, the
First Mate's curiosity was stimulated.  Finally, the old Captain died.
Taking over the Captain's duties, the First Mate's first move was to
force open the safe in the wall.  Sure enough, there was a box and in
it the paper.  The First Mate read these words on the paper:
"Port....Left.  Starboard....Right."

A Swede in our town is so simple that he thinks "Bacteria" is the back
door in a Cafeteria.

Q:  How do you distinguish between a gay Norwegian and a straight
Norwegian?
A:  The straight Norwegian likes butter.  The gay Norwegian prefers
Ole.

A Swede had the silly notion that a Pap test was a blood check to see
who the father is.

Did you hear about the Norwegian mosquito?
He bit Dolly Parton on the ANKLE.

>From Red Stangland's _More Uff Da Jokes, Vol. 2_.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 2 Jul 1995 19:16:26 -0700
From:    miette <miette@AMUG.ORG>
Subject: Battle Hymn of Finals

[author unknown]

 Battle Hymn of Finals  (Sung to The Battle Hymn Of The Republic)

 Mine eyes have seen the horror
 Of the ending of the term
 It has poisoned all my spirits
 Like an apple with a worm
 It's infected all my freedom
 Like an ugly cancer germ
 The truth shall soon be known.

 Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
         Failure and humiliation,
         Failure, failure, academia,
         The truth shall soon be known.

 I have listened to the teachers
 But the homework leaves me cold
 I have never done assignments
 Although many times been told
 I have even missed my classes
 When I was feeling bold
 The truth shall soon be known

 Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
         Failure and humiliation,
         Failure, failure, academia,
         The truth shall soon be known.

 They are adding all my points up
 And I haven't earned but few
 In fact, I haven't even gotten
 More than one or two
 Oh, if I could only find an answer
 Anything to do
 The truth shall soon be known.

 Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
         Failure and humiliation,
         Failure, failure, academia,
         The truth shall soon be known.

 On the lines of every gradebook
 There is solemn news for me
 The worst is yet to come when
 Financial Aid ignores my plea
 So I guess the only answer is
 To drop my books and flee
 The truth shall soon be known.

 Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
         Failure and humiliation,
         Failure, failure, academia,
         The truth shall soon be known.

 Well, the end has finally come
 And I have failed to pass a class
 Though the fun and laughter, goofing off
 Was really quite a gas
 But I won't be in the numbers
 Of the capped and gowned mass
 The truth was finally shown.

 Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
         Failure, and humilation,
         Failure, failure, academia,
         The truth was finally known.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 2 Jul 1995 22:26:33 EDT
From:    MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Carry out food <adult themes>

Two businessmen were talking about good places to have lunch.  One said,
"I know Maxie's is a wonderful place.  You go in for lunch, everyone
says 'hello', immediately a delicious sandwich and a cold beer are set
up on the bar for you.  They are followed by several more cold beers
and it's all 'on the house'.  They have music and you get to dance a
bit and then you go into a back room and have wonderful sex.  When it's
time for you to leave, the bartender gives you a twenty dollar bill and
invites you to come back anytime."  The other businessman says, "You've
got to be kidding...I find that hard to believe.  Do you go there
often?"  "No," his friend replies, "actually I've never been there but
my sister goes every noon."   Lyle's Joke Boutique.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Jul 1995 to 2 Jul 1995
**********************************************