Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 14:27:35 CET From: "Tim Holliefield" Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Jul 1995 to 3 Jul 1995 There are 11 messages totalling 344 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. HUMOR - TONGUE GAMES 2. Tarzan + Jane (NOT!) 3. Male-bashing 4. Woman vs. Cow 5. Humor: Circa 1938 6. HUMOR: City of LA HS Vocab Primer (1 of 3) 7. Jewish Joke 8. Opera Joke 9. Let us pray. 10. Hugh Grant 11. Microsoft corporate structure (offensive to Microsoft) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 05:32:09 -0400 From: BEN SHAUL Subject: HUMOR - TONGUE GAMES ========SYS.LIMIT,UPERR CASE======== THERE WAS A CAPTAIN WHO TAKE HIS WIFE FOR A CRUISE,BUT HE COULD NOT TRUST HIS CREW , SO HE PUT A RAZOR BETWEEN HER LEGS. AT THE END OF THE CRUISE HE ORDER HIS CREW TO DROP THEIR PANTS FOR CHECK UP. THE FIRST ONE HAD A CUT ON HIS PISTOL,THE SECOND HAD A BANDAGE ON HIS GUN,ONLY THE THIRD HAD NO MARK,SO HE SAY TO HIM "YOU WILL STAY ON MY SHIP AS MY SKIPPER,JUST TELL ME HOW COME YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO DIDN'T TOUCH MY WIFE" "MM..MM..MM..MM.." SAY THE SAILOR. =============================================================== SORRY,SYS.LIMIT,MAY BE IN UPPER CASE.NOT OFFENSIVE OR SHOUTING! =============================================================== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 08:14:36 EDT From: Jerry O'Connell Subject: Tarzan + Jane (NOT!) Once upon a time, there was this little boy ship-wrecked on a desert island. He was taken in by the apes and raised to manhood by them, he spent the rest of his life swinging through the trees yelling aww-a-aww-ayaaa-yaaa-yaaaaa! ........Fred was his name! One day while swinging around in the jungle, he saw a crashed plane with just one survivor, he saw that the survivor was physically different to him, it was a woman, he proceeded to feel her breasts with much curiosity, then she asked "ain't ya seen a woman before man?" Fred replied "Me no see woman before", she replied "Well fancy that, by the way, my name is Bernie". Fred goes "Me Fred, you Bernie"! (the usual jungle lingo!) So Bernie being a horny old bitch, reverts back to the sexual subject, then pointing at his dick, she asks "so tell me Fred, what do you do for sex if you have not been with a woman?" Fred chooses to go through the motions to explain, so he walks to a tree and shoves his dick into a hole and says to Bernie "this what Fred does, this make Fred very happy" Bernie says "Hey Freddy, I can make you even happier, you hunky piece of meat, check this out" as she points to her pussy, "you put 'that' in there and you'll be very happy" So Fred agrees, firstly he spreads her legs, Bernie can hardly wait to let this handsome muscular wild man show her a good time........but then he gives her an almighty kick between the legs, She shouts in agony "AAAAARGH, WHAT THE FUCK DID YA DO THAT FOR, YOU BIG HAIRY ASSHOLE?, AND THINK AGAIN IF YOU THINK YOU'RE GETTING YOUR BOOT BACK?!" So Fred in total surprise replies, "Hey bitch, relax, Fred just checking for squirrels!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Name : Jerry O'Connell Internet : oconnell_jerry@emc.com Phone(Intl) : +353 21 281565 Fax(Intl) : +353 21 281523 "I don't have a solution but I admire the problem" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 06:36:37 -0700 From: miette Subject: Male-bashing ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Thu, 22 Jun 1995 14:51:21 -0700 (PDT) From: H Widjaja To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: [ISAUW-Net] A ladies Joke (fwd) Here is some thing for you lady folks who usually take the brunt of the jokes, an opportunity to have a good laugh at the boys. Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children. How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts. Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him. Why do bachelors like smart women? Opposites attract. Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature. What do men and beer bottles have in common? They're both empty from the neck up. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 10:42:00 EDT From: Donald E Chesnel Subject: Woman vs. Cow Q. What is it a cow has four of and a woman has only two of ? A. Legs ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 08:00:13 -0700 From: MachuPicchu Subject: Humor: Circa 1938 [Selections from THE READER'S DIGEST, 1938] "In the increasingly critical matter of bringing the national budget into balance, after seven successive deficits which have more than doubled the public debt, there is too much willingness to expect a miracle in Washington. . .a very large part of the money which the Treasury distributes goes straight into the hands of politically important groups of voters who have come to believe that they have a properly vested interest in the continuation of such spending. The influence of these groups can be checked only by a demonstration of the fact that the prevailing sentiment of the contry is actually in favor of retrenchment." -- December 8, 1937 "What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency." --George Jean Nathan "Israel Putnam, the Revolutionary War General, was once challenged to a duel and given a choice of weapons. He chose an open barrel of gunpowder with a candle burning at its top. The last to leave would be the winner. His opponent decided not to insist on a duel, after all." "Drunks of Woburn, Massachusetts, are to be displayed in a lion's cage adorned with lanterns and drawn by a sad-faced horse, according to Mayor William E.Kane's new plan for curbing intoxication." "When the principal of a Topeka, Kansas, high school caught two students with ice-cream cones in their pockets, he didn't scold them -- he simply made them leave the cones where they were." "The police of Zagreb, Yugoslavia, require violators of traffic ordinances to pull over to the side of the road and deflate all tires. The number of accidents on the streets of this city has fallen considerably." ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Jul 1995 12:55:00 +0400 From: Jeff Guinzburg Subject: HUMOR: City of LA HS Vocab Primer (1 of 3) CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL VOCABULARY PRIMER (part 1 of 3) Widen: "When my girlfriend, Larina, told me she was pregnant I said, widen you tell me you didn't use no birth control?" Urinal: "After the police broke down my front door last night, they said, Darnell, urinal lot of trouble." Undermine: "There's a fine looking bitch living in the apartment right undermine. Stain: "My sister and brother-in-law stopped by the other day, so I asked them, you plannin on stain?" Sodomy: "When I go out at night, I like to have a bitch on one sodomy and another bitch on the other sodomy." Semen: "I never did know who my papa was cause my mama semen left and right." Seldom: "I had two extra tickets to the basketball game the other night, so I seldom to my friend." Rectum: "I had two Cadillacs, but my girlfriend rectum both." Polyp: "On my way home from the Piston's game the other night, I was involved in a five-car polyp on I-75." Penis: "I saw my parole officer the other day and he handed me a little paper cup and said, here penis. Orgasm: "I asked my cousin Dexter about the death penalty in his state. I asked if they electrocute em, hand, orgasm." Oreo: "I told my friend, Alonzo, if he wanted my sister, he could pay me 50 bucks now oreo me 100 bucks on Friday." Oral: "My friend Sebastian said, give me 25 cents oral blow your head off." Odyssey: "When I got back from the Windsor Ballet, I told my friends, you odyssey the tits on that babe." Origin: Posted in one piece to Humor Mailing List by its owner Christopher Kline on Sat, 1 Jul 1995 01:55:40 -0400 (EDT). Split to comply with HUMOR's rules. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 14:21:55 -0600 From: Howard Bashinski Subject: Jewish Joke Q: What happens when a Jew with a hard-on runs into a wall? A: He breaks his nose. HB ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 14:23:59 -0600 From: Howard Bashinski Subject: Opera Joke Q: How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. She holds it and the world revolves around her. HB ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 17:40:56 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Let us pray. Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW! Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 22:10:30 -0400 From: Joel Rubin Subject: Hugh Grant Heard on PYX 106 in Albany, NY Seen the new Hugh Grant Movie? "The Englishman Who Drove Up the Boulevard and Came in an Alley"? He told the hooker his name was "Hugh G. Rection" He told the cops he was just looking for a TOW job. Joel Marshall ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 23:44:30 -0400 From: Gwen Eckman Subject: Microsoft corporate structure (offensive to Microsoft) MICROSOFT CORPORATE STRUCTURE ----------------------------- BILL GATES Leaps tall buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a locomotive Is faster than a speeding bullet Walks on water Gives policy to God CO-PRESIDENT Leaps short buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a switch engine Is just as fast as a speeding bullet Walks on water if the sea is calm Talks to God EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds Is almost as powerful as a switch engine Is faster than a speeding BB Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool Talks with God if special request is approved PROGRAM MANAGER Barely clears a Quonset hut Loses tug of war with a locomotive Can fire a speeding bullet Swims well Is occasionally addressed by God NEW HIRE Makes marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings Is run over by a locomotive Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Dog paddles Talks to animals INTERN Runs into buildings Recognizes locomotive two out of three times Is not issued ammunition Can stay afloat with a life preserver Talks to walls ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Jul 1995 to 3 Jul 1995 **********************************************