Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 14:27:32 CET
From: "Tim Holliefield" <thollief@admin.ed.umuc.edu>
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Jul 1995 to 5 Jul 1995

There are 14 messages totalling 496 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Really hung <adult themes>
  2. bumper sticker humor?
  3. HUMOR - BABY.
  4. Humor: Prawns (cute but maybe off. to Christians)
  5. Gentleman bug? <adult themes>
  6. theatrical humor (author unknown)
  7. Punchlines Not What You Think  <crude imagery>
  8. Humor Coffee <offensive to women>
  9. Budding geniuses
 10. The clumsy Wise Man and Mary's wish (religious - possibly offensive)
 11. The Postman and The Wife (adult theme, language)
 12. French Joke
 13. top 10 unlikely kid's books <gross>
 14. HUMOR: City HS Vocab (3 of 3) <racist, mild vulg., sexist, classist

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 4 Jul 1995 15:35:05 EDT
From:    MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Really hung <adult themes>

A woman was standing in front the Art Museum beside a huge statue of a
naked Greek God.  Her husband walked up and said, "What in the world
are you doing here?  I told you to meet me by the big clock."   Lyle's
Joke Boutique.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Jul 1995 07:20:53 EDT
From:    Donald E Chesnel <dec_c967@NS01.PORTS.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: bumper sticker humor?

On my way to work this morning, I saw this bumper sticker on a car:

             KILL A BIKER, GO TO JAIL

Is this a statement of fact?
Is this wishful thinking on the driver's part?
Is this an organization someone can join?
Did the driver have anyone in particular in mind?
Would you make it to jail if you "did" one?

OK, all you "HUMOR"ous people, what do you think?  (Please, no threats - this
is a true story).

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Jul 1995 08:16:45 -0400
From:    BEN SHAUL <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: HUMOR - BABY.

 ========SYS.LIMIT,UPERR CASE========

 A TEACHER TO HER PUPIL "I WANT YOU TO WRITE ME A SHORT TALE,HOW BABY
 CAME TO THE WORLD"
 ONE OF THE YOUNGEST WROTE "IT WAS A SHINING DAY,MAMA AND PAPA GO OUT
 FOR A PICNIC,I GONE WITH MY FATHER AND CAME BACK WITH MY MOTHER"

 ===============================================================
 SORRY,SYS.LIMIT,MAY BE IN UPPER CASE.NOT OFFENSIVE OR SHOUTING!
 ===============================================================

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Jul 1995 08:01:49 +0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randallw@NS.EMASS.COM>
Subject: Humor: Prawns (cute but maybe off. to Christians)

Cristian and Cecil were prawns that lived on the bottom of the sea.
One day Cecil says to Cristian, "I am bored with being a prawn, I
am going to see Neptune."

So off he goes. "Hi Neptune I have a problem."

" OK man'" says Neptune, "whats your problem?"
"Well" says Cecil, "I am bored with being a prawn' I would like to
be a crab instead." "No Problem man" says Neptune and Splamm, there
is Cecil the crab.

He stays like this for some time and then one day he bumps into
Cecil the prawn. " Hi Cristian." " Hi Cecil, whats it like being a
crab?"

"Well it OK says Cecil, but I think I preferred being a prawn, Im
off to see Neptune again."

" Hi Man" says Neptune "bored with being a crab Huh?"
" Yes" Says Cecil "I think I would like to be a prawn again"
"No Problem Man" say Neptune and Splammy, there is Cecil the prawn
once again.

After a few days Cecil bumps into Cristian, "Hi Cristian"
"Hi Cecil".

"I thought you were a crab." says Cristian. "Well I was" says Cecil
"but I got bored with that and now I'm a prawn again Cristian."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-    How much deeper would the ocean be, without sponges?

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Jul 1995 12:24:20 EDT
From:    MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Gentleman bug? <adult themes>

A man was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny
little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving.  He called it to the
bartender's attention.  He glanced at it and said, "It's a ladybug."
After a moment of stunned silence the man said, "Good Lord, what
incredible eyesight you have!"   Lyle's Joke Boutique.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Jul 1995 11:42:42 EST
From:    Vickie Arwginski <PUBREL@VUNET.VINU.EDU>
Subject: theatrical humor (author unknown)

AUDITION - The act of putting yourself under extreme stress to satisfy the
sadistic intentions of others.

DIRECTOR - One who instructs the movements of performers while screaming,
ranting, raving, and slowly descending into madness.

REHEARSING - The act of learning, improving, or refining a skill while
sweating, fidgeting, and/or swearing.

SINGER - One who uses his/her voice to produce musical sounds while avoiding
laryngitis, hiccups, and memory lapses in the middle of a performance.

ACTING - The art of performing a role while trying valiantly to avoid falling
scenery, bumping into furniture, falling off the stage, and "brain farts."

STAGE FRIGHT - The unreasonable fear of performing for an audience that is
only waiting to heckle, jeer, humiliate, and mutilate you for anything less
than a perfect performance.

***

In is down...down is front,
out is up...up is back,
off is out...on is in,
and, of course,
right is left and left is right!

A drop shouldn't
and a block and fall does neither.
A prop doesn't
and a cove has no water.

Tripping is okay.

A running crew rarely gets anywhere.
A purchase line will buy you nothing.
A trap won't catch anything.

A gridiron has nothing to do with football.
Strike is work (in fact, a lot of work)
and a green room, thank goodness, usually isn't!

And it's good luck to "Break a leg!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Jul 1995 12:57:20 EDT
From:    "Robert M. Kanze" <73134.1754@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: Punchlines Not What You Think  <crude imagery>

Reading Woman vs. Cow reminded me of three similar jokes from the 1960s (and
probably earlier):

Q.  What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down, and a dog do on
three legs?
A.  Shake hands.

Q.  What sticks out so far that a man can put his hat on it?
A.  His head.

Q.  What goes in long and hard and comes out soft and sticky?
A.  Chewing gum.

Mike Kanze

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Jul 1995 12:10:13 -0600
From:    "Wade H. Nelson" <wadenelson@FRONTIER.NET>
Subject: Humor Coffee <offensive to women>

WHY COFFEE IS (much) BETTER THAN WOMEN


 1.  You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.
 2.  Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.
 3.  A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
 4.  You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
 5.  You can always warm coffee up.
 6.  Coffee comes with endless refills.
 7.  Coffee is cheaper.
 8.  You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
 9.  Coffee never runs out.
10.  Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
11.  You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.
12.  You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
13.  You can smoke while drinking coffee.
14.  You can grind out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
15.  Coffee smells and tastes good.
16.  You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.
17.  If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.
18.  You can always get fresh coffee.
19.  You can put coffee on, leave the room, and it'll be ready when you get
     back.
20.  They sell coffee at police stations.
21.  You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
22.  Coffee goes down easier.
23.  If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
24.  No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
25.  A big cup or small cup?  It doesn't matter.
26.  Your coffee doesn't talk to you.
27.  Coffee smells good in the morning.
28.  Coffee is good when it's cold too.
29.  Coffee stains are easier to remove.
30.  Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.
31.  Coffee doesn't really care what kind of mood you're in.
32.  Coffee doesn't shed.
33.  Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
34.  You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.
35.  Coffee doesn't mind being ground.
36.  No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
37.  Coffee doesn't have a time of the month...it's good all the time.
38.  When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
39.  When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your
     throat.
40.  Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
41.  Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide you want some.
42.  INSTANT COFFEE!
43.  You can have an intelligent conversation over coffee.
44.  It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
45.  Coffee doesn't mind sleeping on its wet spot
46.  You can pickup some coffee at a 7/11 any hour of the night
47.  Having a cup of coffee wakes you up instead of putting you to sleep
48.  You can put your lips to a cup of coffee without buying it dinner first
49.  Coffee doesn't require hours of diddling foreplay.  It's served hot.
50.  A hot woman spilled on your lap isn't worth $4 Million.
51.  You can get coffee out of a machine, and press a few buttons to get it
just
     the way you like it.
52.  Even prisoners are allowed to have coffee
53.  You don't have to tell coffee you love it.
54.  Coffee doesn't ride the brakes in your Porsche
55.  You don't have to be beautiful or rich to get a fresh cup every morning
56.  A cup of coffee doesn't require a line to pick up
57.  A friend will buy you a donut AND a coffee
58.  There's always coffee to be had
59.  Coffee doesn't expect you to maintain its vehicle
60.  Great coffee only costs a buck more than the cheap stuff

                                WADE H. NELSON
wadenelson@frontier.net  (preferred)  AND  wadenelson@aol.com
420 1/2 East Fifth Avenue                          _ _ _  ~o
Durango, Colorado  81301-5615                     __ __ _  \_i>
970-259-1494                                        _  ___(*)/'(*)_________

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Jul 1995 14:26:26 -0400
From:    Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Budding geniuses

Kids' Ideas About Science as published in the Boston Globe.

        The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from
essays, exams, and class room discussions.  Most were from 5th and 6th
graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the `most
interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know
and then stop.'

Question:  What is one horsepower?
Answer:  One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse
         500 feet in one second.

       -You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you
         came to getting hit.  If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never
         mind.
       -Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
       -The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back
         down.
       -When they broke open molecules, they found they were only
         stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them
         stuffed with explosions.
       -When people run around and around in circles, we say they are
         crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.
       -Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
       -While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from
         the sun, it is really only centrificating.
       -Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in
         any direction.
       -South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they
         still manage.
       -Most books now say our sun is a star.  But it still knows how to
         change back into a sun in the daytime.
       -Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees.  There are
         180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180
         degrees between north and south.
       -A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way
         it wants to go.
       -There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to
         be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
       -There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the
         Earth because of so much population stomping around up there
         these days.
       -Lime is a green-tasting rock.
       -Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others
         preferred to be oil.
       -Genetics explain why you look like your father and, if you
         don't, why you should.
       -Vacuums are nothings.  We only mention them to let them know we
         know they're there.
       -Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make
         water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
       -Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun.  But
         it's difficult to make out the numbers.
       -We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.
         Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to
         put the top on.
       -To most people, solutions mean finding the answers.  But to
         chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
       -In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there
         are twice as many H's as O's.
       -Clouds are high flying fogs.
       -Not sure how clouds get formed.  But the clouds know how to
         do it, and that is the important thing.  Clouds just keep circling
         the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
       -Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to
         be called a drop, it does.
       -Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
       -We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when
         we breathe.
       -Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
       -Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
       -In some rocks, you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
       -Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue
         will kill the strongest man.
       -A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
       -A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
       -A monsoon is a French gentleman.
       -Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
       -Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names
         sound.
       -It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live
         in other places.
       -The wind is like the air, only pushier.

 Thanks to Nancy Carson <nancy.carson@f1571.n363.z1.fidonet.org>

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Jul 1995 09:28:38 -1000
From:    Bob Engelbardt <bobengel@ALOHA.COM>
Subject: The clumsy Wise Man and Mary's wish (religious - possibly offensive)

One of the three Wise Men, carrying a large load of gifts for the Christ
child, stumbled causing the gifts to scatter in all directions with a hugh
clatter.  He mumbled under his breath, "Oh, Jesus Christ!  I would have to
be so clumsy at a time like this."

But Mary overhead the comment and, turning to Joseph, said, "You know, I
like that name much better than Irving."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------

A man who had just entered heaven asked St. Peter if he could visit with
Mary, mother of Jesus.  When they met, he asked, "Mary, why is it that you
always look so sad in your pictures and statues?

"Well." said Mary, "I was really hoping for a girl."








Bob Engelbardt
Kailua, Hawaii
bobengel@aloha.com

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Jul 1995 16:10:52 -0400
From:    Phil Glowatz <AssessNet@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Postman and The Wife (adult theme, language)

When the Postman came to the door one clear December morning, the woman of
the house opened it and revealed herself in a flimsy negligee.  She invited
him in, led him to the bedroom, and proceeded to seduce him.

After they were done, and as the Postman was pulling on his pants, she handed
him a crisp $1 bill.  "What's this for?" he asked.

She said, "I asked my husband what to give you for Christmas, and he said
'Fuck him, give him a dollar.'"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Jul 1995 16:31:34 -0400
From:    Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: French Joke

Mr. Lyle J Kinnaman's joke about the ladybug has a version in French:

Un etranger dans un restaurant parisien appelle le serveur et lui dit,
<<Il y a un mouche dans ma soupe.>>
--<<Ah, non, monsieur, c'est UNE mouche!>>
--<<Oh, que vous avez la vue fine.>>

A foreigner in a Paris restaurant calls the waiter and says, "There's a
fly (wrong gender; he incorrectly used masc.) in my soup."  "Oh, no, sir,
that's UNE ("a," fem.) fly!"  "Ah, what sharp eyesight you have!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Jul 1995 21:20:55 EDT
From:    "BARNES,LARRY J." <LBARNES@MUSIC.TRANSY.EDU>
Subject: top 10 unlikely kid's books <gross>

More top ten children's books we're unlikely to see

10. 50 ways to use those funny plastic cards in Daddy's wallet
9. Barney loves you and his new crack pipe
8. Brother Bear lights fireworks and The Berenstain Bears stamp
out Sister
7. The boy who wore too much mascara
6. Uncle Timmy builds a fertilizer bomb
5. The man in the park with the big bump
4. 25 things poop can do
3. Those pretty books under Daddy's bed
2. A plastic bag, a rubber band and the new baby
1. Curious George and the oven lightbulb


------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Jul 1995 22:55:00 +0400
From:    Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: HUMOR: City HS Vocab (3 of 3) <racist, mild vulg., sexist, classist

          CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL VOCABULARY PRIMER (part 3 of 3)

Decide:       "My favorite girls are Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to keep
               a couple on decide.

Data:         "At my basketball game the other night, I score a triple
               double and my coach said data boy Darnell."

Copulate:     "I called 911 and an hour later when they showed up, I said
               copulate."

Connoisseur:  "I says to my friend Ramone, man you really stink today, what
               connoisseur did you crawl out of?"

Coatroom:     "The judge said, one more outburst like that and I'll have
               the bailiff clear the coatroom."

Clothesline:  "When I came home late again, I found my clothesline on the
               porch."

Catacomb:     "I went to the Douglas/Hollyfield fight and sat next to Don
               King: man, someone oughta get that catacomb."

Button:       "My girlfriend Juanita bought some leopard skin stretch
               pants.  I said girl, you won't get you button 'em."

Beware:       "I asked the man at the employment office, is this beware
               I find be a job?"

Battery:      "The coach told my cousin Reggie he better start swinging
                  the battery won't be in the line up tomorrow."

Bagdad:       "I always wondered what was in the Bagdad use to drink out
               of when he was sitting on the front porch."

Assert:       "On the way home from work, I always take assert so my
               old lady don't smell liquor on my breath."

Anus:         "The policeman told me and my friend Jerome they be looking
               for the two guys that held up the liquor store and we
               said---anus."

Afford:       "I wanted to buy a Cadillac, but then had to settle for
               afford.


Origin: Posted in one piece to Humor Mailing List <humor-l@cornell.edu> by
its owner Christopher Kline <ckline@TC.Cornell.EDU> on Sat, 1 Jul 1995
01:55:40 -0400 (EDT).  Split to comply with HUMOR's rules.

NOTE:  It has come to my attention that many of the references in the
foregoing piece refer to Detroit, not Los Angeles, and are biased against
African-Americans, women, and people involved in lower-middle class
situations.  I am sorry for not pointing this out on the subject lines of
the first two parts, and I apologize to those who were offended (especially
those in Los Angeles).  I did not write the primer, I only passed it along
from Christopher Kline <ckline@TC.Cornell.EDU>.  Please address any
comments you might have regarding it subject matter to him, with a request
that they be forwarded to his source (I don't think he wrote it).  If you
repost it, please replace Los Angeles with Detroit and not its offensive
nature to comply with the rules of the venue in which you post it.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Jul 1995 to 5 Jul 1995
**********************************************