From: "Tim Holliefield" Received: from admin.ed.umuc.edu (admin.ed.umuc.edu [144.170.246.10]) by fieldrep.ed.umuc.edu (8.6.12/8.6.9) with SMTP id OAA22534 for ; Mon, 22 Jul 1996 14:37:12 +0200 Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Aug 1995 to 3 Aug 1995 There are 14 messages totalling 466 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Jew in Berlin 1943 2. yodelling joke 3. Like clockwork 4. What jokes ? 5. Horsing around 6. Operating systems (off to no-one) 7. Barroom humor 8. Clean - Adam & Eve 9. Genie in a Bottle 10. Another parrot joke 11. A modern antique? 12. Life 8.M 13. Offensive: Top 10 Reasons Paul Robinson should be gassed! 14. Humor: Inoffensive supercomputer joke ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 09:54:16 +0100 From: Mark Mostert Subject: Jew in Berlin 1943 An old Jewish man was trying to cross a street in Berlin in 1943 when he accidentally bumped into a burly stormtrooper. "Schweinhund", said the trooper aggressively. "Goldberg", greeted the man, stretching out his hand. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 09:38:57 +0100 From: Joe Clark Subject: yodelling joke Question: Why are men from the Alps so obsessed with old ladies? Response: I do not know. Why are men from the Alps obsessed with old ladies? Answer: I do not know either but they always seem to be shouting Yo-Old-lady-old-lady-old-lady... ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Aug 1995 21:11:23 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Like clockwork Three older men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to tinkle." The eighty year old man says, 'My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a BM." The ninety year old says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I flop like a cow." "So what's your problem?" ask the others. "I don't wake up until nine." Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 07:40:00 EDT From: "Lynn, Jon" Subject: What jokes ? What's a genius? An average student with a Jewish mother. What's so special about Nelson Mandela? He's the only black man that can stop New York traffic without Windex and a squeegee. What's the difference between the Iraqi Army and Ted Kennedy? Ted has at least one confirmed kill. What do you call an Iraqi with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other? Bisexual. What do you call a guy who's half-Chinese and half-Polish? Somedumfuk. Jokes from the JON ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 05:30:00 PDT From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri" Subject: Horsing around (I heard the following when a British comedian was being interviewed by either Jay Leno or David Letterman. I do not recall the name of the comedian) The Queen of England had received the Prime Minister of Australia and the two of them were returning in her horse-drawn buggy. One of the horses passes some air (polite British way of saying - farts) rather loudly. There is a very offensive odour, which dissipates rather slowly. The Queen, embarrassed, says, "Pardon me". To which the Prime Minister says, "Oh! I thought it was the horse"! heh, heh, heh ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 15:12:00 GMT From: Andrew Walmsley Subject: Operating systems (off to no-one) Not to sure where this came from so apologies if offended anyone in sending it.. If Operating Systems were Airlines... DOS AIR All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, etcetera. WINDOWS AIRLINES The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it crashes without warning. MAC AIRWAYS The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie. OS/2 SKYWAYS The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. FLY WINDOWS NT All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying. WINGS of OS/400 The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club. MVS AIRLINES The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors! UNIX EXPRESS Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 17:19:28 +0100 From: Marek Jedlinski Subject: Barroom humor A man returns in the morning to a bar in which he'd spent the previous night. "Is it true that I drank $100 worth of booze here last night?" he asks. "You did in fact drink $100 worth of alcohol here last night," the bartender assures him. "Thank God," the man says, greatly relieved. "I was afraid I'd lost that money." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 12:03:08 -0400 From: Thomas Rowe Subject: Clean - Adam & Eve About a day after God made Eve He asked Adam how he liked her. "I like her fine, Lord." "Have you hugged her yet?" "hat's hugging, Lord?" So God explained it to him and he went off in search of Eve. The next day: "Adam. Did you like hugging?" "Yes, Lord. It was wonderful." "Have you tried kissing yet?" "What's kissing, Lord?" So God explained it to him and he went off in search of Eve. The next day: "Adam. Did you like kissing?" "Yes, Lord. It was even better than hugging." "Have you tried sex yet?" "No, Lord. What's sex?" So God explained it to him and he went off in search of Eve. The next day: "Adam. What did you think of sex?" "I'm not sure, Lord. I had more fun hugging and kissing. Lord: What's a headache?" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 08:51:43 -0800 From: Brian Garrison Subject: Genie in a Bottle Subject: Time:16:42 OFFICE MEMO Genie in a Bottle Date:6/15/95 Subject: Genie in a Bottle --------------------------------------------------------------- A man goes into a pub. He sits down, orders a drink, and places his briefcase on the bar. Out of his briefcase he produces a miniature piano, and a man of very short stature (about a foot tall). The short man begins playing a beautiful concerto much to the amazement of the other tavern patrons. "That's the most incredible thing I have ever seen! Where'd you get him?", the bartender exclaims. The man replies, "The genie in this brass lamp granted me a wish." "Would you mind if I tried?", asks the bartender. "Not at all. Be my guest.", answers the man. So, the bartender retreats to the restroom and summons the genie from the lamp. "You have been granted one wish. How may I serve you, Master?" "I wish for a million bucks.", exclaims the bartender. "It has been done.", reports the genie, as he retires to his bottle. Excitedly, the bartender returns to the bar where he is greeted by a million sqawking ducks. "Is that genie hard of hearing, or something?", the bartender moans. The man asks, "Hey...You don't think that I wished for a 12 inch pianist, do you?" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 12:29:13 EDT From: "BARNES,LARRY J." Subject: Another parrot joke The recent flock of parrot jokes made me think of this one: A meek woman goes to a pet shop to purchase a companion. Since she lives in a small apartment, she asks about birds. "This parrot is an excellent talker, ma'am" The parrot looks sideways at the woman and says "Good morning, madam." "Why, what a well-behaved creature! I'll take him." She takes the bird home, and he is the model of civility, always greeting her with a polite "Good morning, madam." So he invites her equally modest friend over for dinner, who is a stunning beauty. As soon as the parrot sees her, he lets fly a string of vile obsenities, turning both ladies scarlet! "I'm so sorry, Evelyn! He's never behaved like this before!" After her friend leaves, she dec- ides to teach the bird a lesson, so she shoves him in the refrigerator for an hour, and sticks him back on his perch. Opening one eye slowly, shivvering, he slowly grabs hold of his perch. "Hoo, boy! I better be careful with this owner!" But the next time the lady comes over, he can't help himself. Out flies another sting of profanity! This time, the owner wastes no time, and in front of her guest stuffs him right into the freezer! When he is retrieved, it takes a full hour for him to thaw on his perch and warm up. A few days later, she looks the vile bird in the eye: "Listen, you, my boss is coming over for dinner tonight, so you better behave your- self!" "Yes, ma'am!!" But her boss is over two hours early, in time to visit in the kitchen while she prepares dinner. While the parrot watches, she plucks a chicken, turns the oven up to 400 degrees and sticks it in. At the top of his voice, and in front of her boss, the parrot exclaims: "Holy shit! I wonder what the fuck *he* said!!" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 13:39:07 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: A modern antique? A man walked into an antique shop looking for something unusual. In a dusty corner he found a brass statue of a rat. It was very unusual so he asked the shopkeeper how much he wanted for it. "$50 for the statue and $1,000 for the story behind it." "I don't need any story," the man said as he handed over $50, took the rat, got in his car and headed for home. He stopped at a stop light and noticed rats were pouring out of all the buildings and sewer grates around him and were heading for his car. The light changed and he sped off but when he looked in his rear view mirror he saw a huge horde of rats racing after him. He drove as fast as he could to the beach, jumped out of his car and hurled the statue as far out into the ocean as he could. The horde of rats ran past him and every one of them leaped into the ocean after the statue and they all drowned. The man drove back to the antique store and when he walked in the shopkeeper said, "I knew you'd be back for the story!" "To hell with the story, I came back to see if you have a statue of a lawyer!" Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 13:00:13 -0700 From: Henry Cate Subject: Life 8.M Date: 10 Sep 92 11:26:25 PDT (Thursday) From rec.humor ----- I just saw Helen Keller's dog crossing the road last night! There was just a little traffic (3-4 cars each direction in my vicinity), and this dog ran across the road. It managed to get through the two or three cars on my side, and there were but two oncoming cars. The first passed the dog, and I could see Rover speed up trying to get by in front of the second. But our canine friend wasn't quite fast enough to make it, and the car got there slightly before he did. So he just plowed into the side of the car. Naturally, since the car was going 40-45 mph, this imparted a nonzero angular momentum to Rover. He spun around about five times, fell down, got up and ran into the adjoining field, and just stood there for a few seconds. Then he shook his head a few times, looked around for the good-for- nothing who had sucker-punched him, and trotted off, apparently unconcerned. Man, if Rover had been just a few steps faster, the car would have broadsided him, and then there's have been an entirely different story to tell. When storm door/newspaper/feed the hungry/etc solicitors call, my friend listens to their entire spiel (sometimes they'll go on for close to 5 minutes before they wind down if you don't interrupt them). Then, he says "Oh, I'm sorry. I think I missed something, could you repeat that?" THEY hang up on HIM. How Long Have You Been Teaching? 1. Do you declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line? 2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table? 3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends? 4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes? 5. Do you refer to "snack time" as "happy hour"? 6. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home? 7. Do you say "I like the way you did that" to the mechanic who repairs your car? 8. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car? 9. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book? 10. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything? 11. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth? 12. Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to share with the group? If you answered yes to more than two of the above items, you are hooked on teaching. If you answered yes to more than half of them, you're probably beginning to think about retirement. If you answered yes to more than ten, you'll always be a teacher, retired or not! "The things that come To those who wait, Are the things left Behind by those who got there first" -Steven Tyler (Aerosmith) From: Subject: Re: Stupid road signs (was: Stupid Instructions) A personal favorite on 880 south in Hayward (California): A Street Downtown (Don't get me wrong, I'm a Democrat myself, but, as Dave Barry says, they have the leadership skills of celery.) Heard on VH-1's Stand-Up Spotlight tonight: "If the Democrats had to form a firing squad, they'd get in a circle." -- Henry Cate III The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet From: "Patrick Ryan" "Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 20:57:10 EDT From: Paul Robinson Subject: Offensive: Top 10 Reasons Paul Robinson should be gassed! From: Paul Robinson Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company/TDR,Inc. Silver Spring, MD USA ---- The following is intentionally offensive. Ignore it if you don't like it. In keeping with fair play, I am now posting a rebuttal to my prior message which was titled "Top Ten Reasons why the Holocost was a good idea!" Some people say about others, "He can dish it out but he can't take it," this will give you the chance to see if you think that applies to me. This was (with material I added to make it nastier and more spiteful) the rebuttal to my posting that was sent to me by a Jew who liked my message and wanted to show me his appreciation. As with my posting, it is full of stereotypes, misconceptions and errors. That's what makes it funny! So here's something We hope you really won't like. Just wait for August 6, you're going to really be offended by that one! **** Tansin A. Darcos & Company/TDR, Inc. (Not affilliated with Worldwide Pants, Inc.) Presents Top Ten Reasons why we should make our own Gas Chamber and put Paul Robinson in it! >From the Home Office in Silver Spring, Maryland, tonight's Top Ten Reasons why we should make our own Gas Chamber and put Paul Robinson in it: 10. The United Negro College fund has said they wish someone would waste his mind. 9. Raises the intelligence level of the American gene pool. 8. Someone could use a new heart, liver, kidneys, lungs, pancreas, spleen, and gall, since he's got lots of it. On second thought, strike 'heart', anyone who could post a message like that has a heart of stone! 7. Can get all the parts we need at the local Hechinger's Hardware. 6. Makes a new job opening at TDR corporation; helps with unemployment. 5. The hundreds of pounds of body fat he has could feed the homeless. 4. An added bonus from Maul Paul err I mean Pall Mall cigarettes. 3. The human body has about six million cells. We'd kill 'em all and therefore be able to rival Hitler! 2. The government wouldn't want such a dangerous personage wandering around the streets of Silver Spring, Maryland, which is a short car-trip away from the nation's capital. (drum roll) And the number one reason why we should make our own gas chamber and put Paul Robinson in it is: 1. It is well known that Paul Robinson is worthless and is just taking up space, wasting it, day in and out, anyway, so it would help with the world overpopulation problem! (Cymbal Strike, band plays "Wasted Days and Wasted Nights") -- Copyright 1995, Tansin A. Darcos & Company/TDR, Inc. Among other things, "Above All else...We shall go on..." we sell and service "_And continue!_" ideas. Dial 1-800-TDARCOS if you are looking for ideas for something, ideas and implementation, implementation of other people's ideas, including new products and services your company might be able to sell, contact us. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 20:59:55 GMT-5 From: "Joe F. Walenciak" Subject: Humor: Inoffensive supercomputer joke The following was passed on to me. I don't know its source, but it is good for a chuckle..... Imagine that CRAY decides to make a personal computer. It contains 16 600Mhz Alpha-based processors executing in parallel, has 512 megabytes of RAM, 4.5 Gigabytes of disk storage, a holographic display with a resolution of 4096x4096 pixels, an artificial intelligence OS, does 24-bit 3D graphics in realtime, relies entirely on voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt picket, and costs $300. What is the first question the computer community asks? "Is it DOS compatible?" ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Aug 1995 to 3 Aug 1995 **********************************************