Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 14:39:33 CET From: "Tim Holliefield" Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Aug 1995 to 5 Aug 1995 There are 6 messages totalling 201 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. humor : Bill Gates and the Gates of Heaven 2. SLUGGO Press Release 3. Why Windows is so slow (off. to Microsoft) 4. Limericks #2 5. Family honor 6. possibly offen. to Chinese ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 5 Aug 1995 15:30:00 EET From: Nico van der Vyver Subject: humor : Bill Gates and the Gates of Heaven Here's one with compliments of my good friend Liz the Wulffie : Clinton, Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were magically whisked before God, Who told them that He was going to destroy the world next week. When they were returned, each of the three addressed his people: Clinton said: "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that there really is a God. The bad news is that the world will end next week." Yeltsin said: "I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is that there really is a God. The worse news is that the world will end next week." Gates said: "I've got good news and better news. The good news is that God puts me equal to Clinton and Yeltsin. The better news is that after next week, we won't have to worry about the Justice Department anti-trust investigations." Nico _________________________________________________________________________ I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Aug 1995 09:44:58 -0400 From: Imre Kertesz III Subject: SLUGGO Press Release MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO ROOSTERS, DEAD PEOPLE, BITS OF BROKEN FURNITURE, AND HOUSEPLANTS. PLEASE DONT READ IF YOU FALL IN TO THESE CATEGORIES. THANKS- DISCLAIMER: SLUGGO NEWS BRIEFS is a parody of daily international news. Every person, government, religion, etc. that makes headlines is a target. I don't discriminate. SLUGGO NEWS can be offensive; there are too many topics to provide individual disclaimers. I welcome any suggestions, input, or criticism. The Newsguy - Ikertes@aol.com _______________________________________________________ SLUGGO NEWS - BY THE NEWSGUY v18 HIGHLIGHTS 1. (USA) Six astronauts were forced to spend an unscheduled eleventh day in orbit on 19 September after squabbling with NASA regarding contracts and pay negotiations. A spokesman for NASA announced the proposed pay ceiling for astronauts only two days after the space shuttle Discovery's launch. Angry with the new restrictions, the astronauts refused to land the multi- billion dollar vehicle until NASA agreed to remove the restriction. The only astronaut who disagreed with the "strike", exchange cosmonaut Sergei Kalashnikov, was dismembered and added to the Discovery's food supply for the extended trip in orbit. The shuttle is scheduled to land at Edwards Air Force Base in California, pending outcome of the dispute. -SLUG, 27 Sep- 2. (BOSNIA) Heavy fighting and shelling erupted in the Bosnian capital Sarajevo on 18 September while Serb forces besieging the city kept up a blockade of water and power supplies. The commander of UN forces in Bosnia, former U.S. president Jimmy Carter, warned Serbs and Moslems to stop fighting in Sarajevo and threatened to nuke them if they continued. At home, U.S. Secretary of Dung Beetle Activities Warren Christopher tried to urge caution at interference with Serb forces but was sent to his room. -GEUTER, 27 Sep- 3. (SAUDI) A London-based Saudi opposition group said on Thursday that a previously unknown group in Saudi Arabia had issued a warning of bomb attacks and kidnappings of Westerners and Saudi royalty if an imprisoned cleric is not released. The unknown group, believed to be headed by an anti-paladin, issued the warning after their party was ambushed by goblins and stripped of their magic items. The cleric was taken in to custody despite attempts the party's magic-user made to cast a lightning bolt on the perpetrators. -SLUG, 25 Sep- CAPSULES 1. (NORTH KOREA) North Korea accused the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) of complicating nuclear talks with the United States by demanding to inspect North Korean facilities. North Korea said on 19 September that OSHA was creating obstacles for a solution of the nuclear issue by placing hundreds of thousands of bright, orange cones in doorways, catwalks, parking lots, restrooms, control rooms, and offices of North Korean nuclear installations. -SLUG, 27 Sep- 2. (YUGOSLAVIA) Bosnian Serbs, aware of growing divisions among international peacemakers, said on Thursday they would defy U.S. threats of the use of a new weapon on them. The gigantic, electric powered flyswatter with a 1600 ft. handle and 120' by 120' squash-pan is said to be able to crush a Soviet T-70 on the first swat. The giant weapon was loaned to UN forces under the command of former U.S. president Jimmy Carter. -SMEDGE, 27 Sep- 3. (BRAZIL) Brazilian Mining and Energy Minister Alexis Stepanenko resigned on 19 September amid charges that he used mining explosives to incinerate the Centrist Presidential candidate, Senator Fernando Henrique Cardoso. Mr. Stepanenko claimed that the accident was merely a case of spontaneous combustion but stepped down regardless. -SLUG, 27 Sep- 4. (LATVIA) Latvia's parliament on Thursday approved a new coalition government headed by former U.S. President Jimmy Carter, putting an end to a two-month political crisis in the Baltic state. -BLOATER, 27 Sep- 5. (U.S./CANADA) The Canadian navy seized two U.S. fishing boats on 26 Sept in international waters, enforcing its interpretation of laws regulating poaching. The boats were appropriated, and added to the Canadian fleet, thus doubling the size of the Canadian armada. -DUH, 26 Sept- ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Aug 1995 13:47:54 -0400 From: Mike Kidulich Subject: Why Windows is so slow (off. to Microsoft) The reason Windows is so slow is that it relies on managers to do the work- File Manager, Program Manager, Print Manager.... ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Aug 1995 19:46:00 +0100 From: ROBERT APPLETON Subject: Limericks #2 There was a young maiden from Siam Who said to her lover, young Khayyam To seduce me of course You will have to use force Thank goodness you're stronger than I am A clever commercial female Had prices tattooed on her tale And below her behind For the sake of the blind A duplicate version in Braille There was a young lady from Norway Who hung by her heels in the doorway She told her young man Get off the divan I think I've discovered one more way ====================================== robert.appleton@sol.kiss.de ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Aug 1995 20:59:01 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Family honor An Italian father decided to send his son to America to begin a new life. As a going away present, the father gave him The Family Pistol. A priceless symbol of family honor. After several years, the son became rich and successful and sent for his family to join him. Touring his son's lavishly furnished home, the father kept looking for The Family Pistol. Not seeing it, he asked his son about it only to learn the son didn't care all that much about it, sold it and bought an expensive Rolex wristwatch with the proceeds. His father became very upset and said, "Son, one of these days you're gonna come home from work early and when you go up to your bedroom, you'll find your wife in bed with another man. What are you gonna do, say 'Hey man, your time is up'?" Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Aug 1995 23:09:41 EDT From: Ann Dellarocco Subject: possibly offen. to Chinese More Humor from 1921 book, JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS --by popular demand-- The Chinaman expressed his gratitude to that mighty physician Sing Lee, as follows: "Me velly sick man. Me get Doctor Yuan Sin. Takee him medicine. Velly more sick. Me get Doctor Hang Shi. Takee him medicine. Velly bad--think me go die. Me callee Doctor Kai Kon. Him busy--no can come. Me get well." ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Aug 1995 to 5 Aug 1995 **********************************************