Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 14:39:30 CET From: "Tim Holliefield" Subject: HUMOR Digest - 5 Aug 1995 to 6 Aug 1995 There are 16 messages totalling 722 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. humor: nunsense/offensive to Catholics 2. Offensive: Why I'm not a terrorist (Editorial) 3. questionable answers 4. A midsummer night's thought 5. Humor List Traffic Report 6. SLUGGO Press Release 7. Chinese dentist appointment 8. Seeing God 9. employee review 10. The Engineer's Barbecue 11. The Pekinese and the Cigar 12. Soupy Sales 13. Bank Account 14. short joke 15. possibly offensive to cows, meat-eaters 16. Newlywed Fireman ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 6 Aug 1995 07:45:00 EET From: Nico van der Vyver Subject: humor: nunsense/offensive to Catholics Yet another nunsense story from the collection of my friend Anirban Sengupta : Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks: "What the (beeeeeeeeeeb) did you say?" "A prostitute!" Sheila repeats. Sister Catherine breathes a sigh of relief and says: "Thank God! For a moment there I thought you said a Protestant" Nico -------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Aug 1995 20:27:19 EDT From: Paul Robinson Subject: Offensive: Why I'm not a terrorist (Editorial) I sometimes feel so bad about things that I wonder if I am sane. I see so many people acting so stupidly in the world, that what they do makes no sense. Maybe I'm the only sane person and everyone else is crazy! It seems like the world has gotten both stupider and nastier over the years, or at least the U.S. has. It is the asinine stupidity - and plain arrogance - of people that makes me sick. The District of Columbia is damn near so bankrupt it would be "30c short of a quarter." The Financial Control Board gave a timid order to Mayor-for-life Marion "Snort,Snort" Barry to cut 6,000 city employees. Washington is so obscenely overstaffed that the number of people that should be cut from its payroll is more like 60,000! This isn't cutting the payroll, this is giving it a manicure! People are practically calling this near-nothing cutback a "meat axe" approach! All the while the city goes deeper into red ink. I'm thinking, when the city does go into Chapter 9 bankruptcy (used for cities that go bankrupt), maybe I should submit my own application as receiver in order to fix the problem. But, since I *do* know how to fix the problem, NOBODY is going to want me to do the job! They don't want the problem fixed, they just want it to go away but without having to do what is needed to fix it! It is this kind of rank ignorance and out-and-out arrogant avoidance of the truth that has sometimes made me consider becoming a terrorist, and fight to stop the injusticices of the world. Except that terrorism is for political ends, there's really not much money available to be made in terrorism, mostly people use it to win freedom for someone in some jail. I have to make a living, I can't afford to be a terrorist! Until one day, I got an idea. Anyone wants to get in on this, I think it would be fun and very profitable, almost as much fun as when I was Junta Leader of the Humor list and had summary excutions of people who didn't pay big enough bribes. I'm thinking of someone that we could kidnap that is so valuable that there would be fundraisings in the streets to raise money to keep us from carrying out what we would do if the money isn't raised. So here's my plan. A bunch of us raid San Quentin Prison, knocking out the guards. (The public gets mad if you kill police officers, so we just stun them.) Then we also stun any convicts who are stupid enough to get in our way instead of running for the exits. And who do we go after: the biggest prize in California. We announce our ransom: If we get five million dollars, we will turn our prisoner over to a police department in such a way as to make sure he is returned to prison. If we receive *ten* million dollars, we will see to it he is publicly executed so that it can be seen by the entire TV audience. But, if we do not receive the ransom, we will let him go, unharmed and with fresh clothes and fake identity papers, on the city streets. So the newspapers around the world would announce our terrible demand: TERRORIST GROUP DEMANDS $10MIL RANSOM OR THEY LET CHARLES MANSON GO UNHARMED --- The following Automatic Fortune Cookie was selected only for this message: The Kennedy Constant: Don't get mad -- get even. -- Copyright 1996, Tansin A. Darcos & Company/TDR, Inc. Among other things, "Above All else...We shall go on..." we sell and service "_And continue!_" ideas. Dial 1-800-TDARCOS if you are looking for ideas for something, ideas and implementation, implementation of other people's ideas, including new products and services your company might be able to sell, contact us. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 6 Aug 1995 02:12:21 -0400 From: Gwen Eckman Subject: questionable answers QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS FOR JOB-JOCKS As we are all learning by now, different firms have different personalities, different needs and want to hear different answers to the same questions. In preparing for an interview, it is always best to have thought through some of the questions and formulated the answers to the more traditional (and banal) questions asked by recruiters. It is wise to keep in mind that they are looking for consistency in answers, patterns of success and an indication that you will fit their needs. Thus, in an effort to help our readers develop their own answers (lies), we have prepared reasonable responses to some standard questions asked by some unreasonable, if standard, firms. We hope they will help you in your job search. Question: What excites you most in life? Morgan Stanley: Wearing a three piece suit. General Foods: The idea of spending my life in Minneapolis. Citibank: Being one of 10,000 MBA's at Citibank. Booz, Allen & Hamilton: The idea of spending half my life in an airplane. Question: Where do you want to be in five years? Morgan Stanley: Senior partner. General Foods: Product manager of Twixie-Dixies. Citibank: One of 10,000 MBA's at Citibank. B,A&H: In an airplane. Question: What is your greatest accomplishment? Morgan Stanley: I am my father's son. General Foods: I once sold 10 boxes of Grape-Nuts to a toothless grandmother. Citibank: I was a juice-man for the Mafia. B,A&H: I once worked 107 hours in one week. Question: Why should we hire you? Morgan Stanley: I'm Stanley's grandson. General Foods: I am the best of the 10 marketing students at Stanford. Citibank: 1) I'm an MBA. 2) I know George Parker. 3) I'm a friend of George Parker. 4) George Parker admires me. B,A&H: I am going for a record of 110 hours worked in one week . Question: Why do you want to join our company? Morgan Stanley: See above. General Foods: I can't imagine spending the rest of my whole life selling soap! Citibank: I want to experience an MBA asssembly line firsthand. B,A&H: I view your company as being one within which I can be reasonably assured of achieving such a record. Question: What is your greatest strength? Morgan Stanley: The fact that I have no weaknesses. General Foods: I like junk food. Citibank: I am an MBA. B,A&H: I would rather work than have sex. Question: What is your greatest weakness? Morgan Stanley: I am sometimes troubled at the idiotic jealousy of my inferiors. General Foods: I have rotten teeth. Citibank: I am an MBA. B,A&H: (Draw a blank.) Question: What do you feel is most important to success in our firm? Morgan Stanley: The fact that I am Stanley's grandson. General Foods: The real question is, "Can you sell Jell-O?" Citibank: A small ego. B,A&H: A large suitcase. Question: What are your life goals? Morgan Stanley: To marry Morgan's niece. General Foods: To offer nutritional, high protein alternatives to mankind. Citibank: To be one of 10,000 MBA's at Citibank. B,A&H: To lead a balanced life and have a happy family. Question: What major goals in the past have you not achieved? ========> In all cases, look blank and pretend that you don't understand the question. from: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic) ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 6 Aug 1995 11:59:53 +0300 From: Altar Ariel Subject: A midsummer night's thought Twinkle, twinkle little star How I wonder who stole our car. ariel ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 6 Aug 1995 08:13:36 -0400 From: Jim Goldman Subject: Humor List Traffic Report Hello! This is Jim, your friendly neighborhood traffic reporter. For those of you new subscribers out there, I send a weekly traffic report out to the contributors to the HUMOR list, and once a month (usually within a day or two of the first saturday of the month) I send the report to the entire HUMOR list. It is basically my responsibility to track the number of contributions to the list, but considering my relative visibility among the listowners, I am also here in case you have any problems or concerns. If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to email me at JimGPhynn@aol.com. Last month I asked those of you who were "concealed" subscribers why you have chosen to conceal your membership. I want to personally thank all of you who answered. As I promised, your letters have been deleted, and I still won't tell anyone what you said. I guess this is about as personal as I can get... Thank you anyway. :) Without further ado, Here is the weekly traffic report: Traffic Report for HUMOR, 30 July - 5 August (Number of articles posted each day) 4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last Date Day Back Back Back Back Week 30 Sunday 14 7 9 11 11 31 Monday 11 10 16 18 16 1 Tuesday 12 12 19 16 11 2 Wednesday 14 11 14 17 12 3 Thursday 14 19 12 11 14 4 Friday 14 15 13 15 14 5 Saturday 9 6 9 7 6 Averages 12.5 11.4 13.1 13.6 12.0 Subscriptions 6,900 6,902 6,916 6,809 6,677 Countries 62 61 61 60 60 Contributors 538 541 542 544 554 These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board, area distribution lists, etc. These numbers include both concealed and non-concealed subscribers. Here is a list of all of the subscribing countries: Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Belgium, Brazil, Bulgaria, Canada, China, Colombia, Costa Rica, Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt, Estonia, Finland, France, Germany, Great Britain, Greece, Hongkong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Lithuania, Malaysia, Malta, Mexico, Mozambique, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Saudi-Arabia, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Turkey, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela The purpose of the Posters list is to protect our readers from careless, quarrelsome, and selfish contributors. To become a member request the instructions by sending the command GET HUMOR GUIDE from our LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU address. ** The following are the goals of HUMOR: To provide a daily average of 10-20 substantial examples of humor. To provide a diversity of humor: sources, forms, and subjects. To provide freedom of expression for contributors and protection of sensitivities for readers. ** The following are the brief version of HUMOR's rules: 1) Three rules protect HUMOR from complaints. Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor. Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive. A contributor who violates rules may be suspended. 2) Six rules protect HUMOR members from excessive traffic. Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted. Discussion, requests, and criticisms should not be posted One contribution per day. No personal attacks, no apologies, and no reactions. Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 lines max). Conserve bandwidth: Avoid blank lines. No ASCII art. No signature file. And now for some obligatory humor >offensive to animal lovers< An antelope and a lion took a booth in a roadside diner. When the waiter came over, the antelope said, "I'd like a bowl of hay and a side order of radishes, please." "What will your friend have?" "Nothing for him." "Isn't he hungry?" "Idiot!" the antelope exclaimed in disbelief. "If he were hungry, would I be sitting here?" Jim Goldman, Traffic Reporter (jimgphynn@aol.com) ===================================================================== To leave the contributors list send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR-P. To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR. To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUBSCRIBE HUMOR Call-name FamilyName. A command goes in the 1st line of the message field. ----------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 6 Aug 1995 12:29:08 -0400 From: Imre Kertesz III Subject: SLUGGO Press Release DISCLAIMER: SLUGGO NEWS BRIEFS is a parody of daily international news. Every person, government, religion, etc. that makes headlines is a target. I don't discriminate. SLUGGO NEWS can be offensive; there are too many topics to provide individual disclaimers. I welcome any suggestions, input, or criticism. _______________________________________________________ SLUGGO NEWS - BY THE NEWSGUY v20 Contributions by CLANK H I G H L I G H T S 1. (HAITI) Facing criticism that his first choice for prime minister was too radical, President Aristide has decided to name the leader of the Revolutionary Front for the promotion of Idiocy of Haiti (FRAIH) to the post. Aristide will select FRAIH leader Emmanuel Wing-Bang Whump Whump Nugget Noodle to replace caretaker Prime Minister Robert Malval. The choice of Francois was apparently designed to placate the hundreds of thousands of village idiots who paraded 24 hours a day in front of the Haitian capital building, banging metal pots and wailing like banshees. In other developments, U.S. Native American representatives from the Shawnee, Pima, and Cherokee tribes are holding talks with Haitian government officials in efforts aimed at opening up a chain of gambling resorts on Haiti's coasts. -SLUG, 23 Oct- 2. (NORTH KOREA/U.S.) International nuclear inspection dolt Brent Fecal on Thursday welcomed the U.S.-North Korea nuclear agreement, but said there was no guarantee North Korea would comply. Fecal, Director General of the International Atomic Energy Agency Dolts Bent On Futility, said the agreement has "great advantages" but when asked if it can assure North Korea is not developing nuclear weapons and has none, he replied, "Fuck no, it's not that good." Fecal said the IAEADBOF knows North Korea has more nuclear weapons grade plutonium than it says. "With every other North Korean household powered by it's own reactor, it's hard to keep track of who's making nuclear pipe-bombs with the reactor sludge." (SLUG - 25 OCT) 3. (HOLLYWOOD) U.S. troops stormed a Paramount sound stage this morning, revealed by the FBI to be the major filming location of the feature-length Brady Bunch movie. Threats from the U.N., NATO, and several other world alliances sparked the investigation, which indicated an intense international scrutiny of the U.S.'s most feared television program. Long since thought dead and buried, the Brady Bunch was in the process of being resurrected by a deranged, possibly satanic Hollywood producer. Troops seized props from the original television series which were stolen from police vaults earlier this week. In the firefight, actresses Florence Henderson and Shelly Long were wounded, disabling any possibility of reviving the role of Mrs. Brady. The Brady House set was burned to the ground to celebrate during the subsequent award ceremony. -BLENCH, 25 Oct- C A P S U L E S 1. (CROATIA/ITALY) Italian police said on Wednesday they arrested 18 Italians and confiscated arms and legs in a blow to a Mafia-run smuggling ring operating between Croatia and Italy. They said the ring, allegedly controlled by Sicilian and Naples- area Mafias, brought heroin and cocaine into Croatia and exchanged it for weapons, which were then smuggled into Italy. In reaction to criticism involving the confiscated limbs, head of the Italian police directorate, Mario Brothers, said smugly "Have you ever seen a torso selling drugs? I didn't think so." -BLECH, 25 Oct- 2. (PAKISTAN) U.N. observers discovered a shipment of the new SCUZ, SCUM and SNOT missile systems from North Korea to Pakistan, revealed by disputes involving the transactions. North Korea is reportedly not pleased with being paid in monopoly money, although they are trying to get the International Bank to accept it. Pakistan wants the Koreans to reconfigure the missile's firing sequence so they explode when they hit the target rather than when they are launched. Shipment has been postponed until late November pending resolution of the conflict. -CLANK, 26 Oct- 3. (LEBANON) According to U.S. intelligence sources, Iran has been purchased by Ross Perot. The Texas billionaire said to press "I love being an American, but if I cant be president of the U.S., I sure as spit am going to president somewhere." -FIBS, 23 Oct- 4. (RUSSIA) Russian officials on Tuesday said six cosmonauts on the Mir space station would have to hold their breath for several months after the craft's life-support batteries were unexpectedly drained. Problems first appeared on Oct. 11. -SLUG, 25 Oct- 5. (RUSSIA/CHECHNYA) Dzhokhar Dudayev, leader of Russia's rebel Chechnya region, appeared to be still in control of most of the mountainous southern republic on Sunday after being the victim of a surprise head-ectomy. Dudayev's torso, although immobile, still displayed the fierce determination it had when it's command module was attached. -SLUG, 26 Oct- 6. (RUSSIA) An oil spill from a broken pipeline in Arctic Russia is reported to be almost as bad as Manuel "Pizza-Face" Noriega's complexion. -SLUG, 25 Oct- ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 6 Aug 1995 09:52:00 PDT From: sidney moskowitz Subject: Chinese dentist appointment Question: What time does a Chinese person go to the dentist? Answer: When its tooth hurtee. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 6 Aug 1995 13:09:04 EDT From: Ann Dellarocco Subject: Seeing God From: Jokes for All Occasions, 1921 The little boy was found by his mother with pencil and paper, making a sketch. When asked what he was doing, he answered promptly, and with considerable pride: "I am drawing a picture of God." "But, grasped the shocked mother, "you cannot do that. No one has seen God. No one knows how God looks." "Well," the little boy replied complacently, "when I get through they will." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Aug 1995 09:53:38 PDT From: "Jay Sandhu [ESRI-Redlands]" Subject: employee review Sir, While working with Mr. Murthy, I have always found him working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always finishes the given assignment in time. He will always be deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be found chit-chatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be classed as outstanding, and should on no account be dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Murthy should be pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be sent as soon as possible. Sd/- Branch Manager PS: MURTHY WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THE REPORT MAILED TO YOU TODAY. KINDLY READ ONLY THE ALTERNATE LINES 1,3,5... FOR MY TURE ASSESSMENT OF HIM. REGARDS Sd/- Branch Manager ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 6 Aug 1995 15:37:16 -0400 From: Sheldon Brown Subject: The Engineer's Barbecue An engineer wanted to build a brick barbecue. Being a cautious and thorough man, he started out by preparing detailed drawings of the project. Once the blueprints were done, he was able to calculate that he would need exactly 199 bricks to complete the project. He went to his local building supply dealer, selected the bricks he wanted, then said "I'd like 199 of these bricks, please." "Well, you'll have to buy 200, because we only sell them in batches of 100." "But I only need 199, why should I buy an extra brick that I don't need!" "Sorry, sir, that's company policy." "Well, to Hell with you, I'll take my business elsewhere!" He drove to another dealer thirty miles away, only to be given the same response. He drove to another dealer 60 miles away, with the same result. He finally had to admit he was licked, it was a vast conspiracy, and he would have to buy that damn extra brick. He bought 200 bricks, loaded them in to the back of his pickup, and headed for home. As he drove, he brooded over the injustice that had been done to him. He got madder and madder as the miles rolled by. Finally, he slammed on the brakes, skidded to a stop, ran around to the back of the truck, grabbed a brick and threw it as far as he could! Sheldon "My Daughter's Favorite Joke" Brown Newtonville, Massachusetts ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 6 Aug 1995 15:37:22 -0400 From: Sheldon Brown Subject: The Pekinese and the Cigar A stuffy old lady got onto a bus with her spoiled Pekinese dog in her arms. She sat down at a window seat. Two stops later, a burly longshoreman got on and sat down next to her. He pulled an enormous cigar from his pocket and prepared to light it. "Don't light that cigar, my little Percy here has a serious lung problem and doesn't like cigar smoke." The longshoreman ignored her protests, and lit the cigar. "Put that out this instant, you are bothering poor little Percy" "The little mutt looks OK to me, lady, I have had a hard day; don't mess with me." "If you don't put that cigar out immediately, I will take it and throw it out the window, to protect my dear little Percy!" "Don't try it lady, if you do, I'll chuck that ugly little animal right out the window after it!" "You wouldn't dare!" "Try me!" Lady grabs cigar, throws it out the window. Longshoreman grabs Percy, flings him out the window. "Stop the bus! Stop the bus! My poor little doggy!" The bus stops, lady dashes out frantically. Here comes Percy, trotting up to the bus, wagging his little stump of a tail. Guess what he's got in his mouth! The brick! Sheldon "This Joke Usually Works Best With A Shill Or Two To Laugh At The End Of Part One (The Engineer's Barbecue)" Brown Newtonville, Massachusetts ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 6 Aug 1995 16:13:57 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Soupy Sales Stanley and Stella opened a beer parlor but after several weeks they hadn't sold even one beer. Stella said, "We might as well close this place up and open a brothel instead." "What good would that do?" Stanley asked, "if we can't get them to drink beer, how we gonna get them to drink broth?" Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 6 Aug 1995 16:47:16 PDT From: Glue SQL Subject: Bank Account A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller, "Hey honey...I wanna' open a fuckin' account !!!" She says, "Excuse me?" He says, "I said, I wanna' open a fuckin' account !!!" Her response is, "Sir, that language is intolerable, I'm getting a manager !" The manger comes along and asks if there's any problems. The man replies, "No, I just wanna' open a fuckin' account !!!" The manager says, "Sir, we do not use that kind of language at this bank !" The man then says, "Listen, I just won 35 million in the goddamn lottery and I wanna open a fuckin' account !!!" The manager, pointing to the teller, responds, "And this bitch is givin' you a hard time ?!?!?" ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 6 Aug 1995 20:07:21 EDT From: "BARNES,LARRY J." Subject: short joke Two men are complaining at the bar. "My wife uses 1/2 of my salary for her clothes." "That's nothing. I have 3 wives, and they spend most of my money on themselves!" "My, you're generous." "Yes, I thought it was bigamy." ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 6 Aug 1995 18:25:00 PDT From: Jack Kolb Subject: possibly offensive to cows, meat-eaters From: Rosemary Ceravolo ---------- Forwarded message ---------- From: John Young To: Multiple recipients of list ARTCRIT Subject: Problems with Dead Cows The New York Times, August 4, 1995, p. C26. Problems with Dead Cows: Damien Hirst and the Dark Side To say that Larry Gagosian's first show for the fall is dead meat is no exaggeration. Earlier this week, the gallery announced that the Damien Hirst exhibition scheduled to open at Mr. Gagosian's SoHo branch on Sept. 16 had been postponed until March 30. "This delay," the statement read, "was requested by the gallery in order to comply with the guidelines relating to New York City health and environmental ordinances." The exhibition, called "No Sense of Absolute Corruption," was to have centered on an installation of four dead cows, positioned to look as if they were copulating. The animals were to have been hermetically sealed in a case of steel and glass, with tubes connected to carbon filters eliminating the smell of decay. "It's about sex and death," Mr. Hirst said from London. "As the cows continue to decay, the meat becomes visually attractive and very colorful which I like." While the piece may seem outrageous, it is in character for an artist already notorious for having suspended a dead shark in a tank of formaldehyde, and the bisected halves of a cow and calf in two tanks. "These pieces represent the dark side of humanity," said Jay Jopling, the London dealer who represents Mr. Hirst. "But this is the first time he has made a sculpture that has focused on rotting, decaying meat -- which goes against the health codes in New York." The dealer said he intended to exhibit the piece in another city, one that doesn't have such restrictive regulations. Meanwhile, Mr. Hirst, who recently turned 30 and has just been nominated a second time for the Turner Prize of the Tate Gallery, is creating something else to put in the sculpture's place at Gagosian. "Right now I'm working on a piece called 'Physics of Immortality,' which shows cows cut vertically and copulating from behind," Mr. Hirst said. "This time the cows will be preserved in formaldehyde." Mr. Gagosian said that having to postpone the show and change the work had been a learning experience for everyone. "I didn't want to deflect attention from the fact that Damien is a serious artist," he said. The September slot will be filled by a show of new paintings by Robert Rauschenberg, which had originally been scheduled later in the season. Jack Kolb IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 6 Aug 1995 23:28:28 -0400 From: Joanne Lukas-Pinarski Subject: Re: Newlywed Fireman There was a fireman who was very regimental and did everything by the bell. He gets married and on his honeymoon night explains this to his new wife. Fireman: "Honey, I do everything by the bell, so when we hear one bell (ding), we run upstairs; two bells (ding ding), we get undressed and; three bells (ding ding ding) we make wild passionate love." Wife: "Ok sweetheart, I understand." So the night goes on and soon you hear one bell (ding) they run upstairs; two bells (ding ding) they get undressed and; three bells they start making wild, passionate love to each other. All of a sudden... Wife: "Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding." Fireman: "Honey, honey, what's that for?" Wife: "More hose, more hose." A 2PR!AA A ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Aug 1995 to 6 Aug 1995 **********************************************