Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 15:05:21 CET From: Tim_ZZ_Holliefield_at_CC__RHEIN@admin.ed.umuc.edu Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Sep 1995 to 2 Sep 1995 There are 10 messages totalling 403 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Another Disneyland scandal 2. Offensive to Religious Folks 3. Fractured Latin (only offensive to conservative Latin teachers) 4. Anniversary 5. The Hedgehog song 6. off. to knights?? 7. More Windows95 humor 8. The Expense Account 9. Too passionate? 10. Police Blotter & Practical Joke ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 1 Sep 1995 21:32:49 -0700 From: Roger Taranto Subject: Another Disneyland scandal It seems there was a big commotion at Disneyland the other day. Snow White was sitting on Pinnochio's face saying, "Lie to me, Big Boy!" ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 02:21:42 -0600 From: "Wade H. Nelson" Subject: Offensive to Religious Folks The classic spoiled rich kid (prodigal son) at 17 tells his Dad he's leaving, he never wants to communicate with them again, and could he please have his inheritance now. Reluctantly, the father complies. The son immediately goes out and buys a Ferrari F-40. Perhaps feeling a little bad karma coming on, the son decides to swing by the church and have his family's Baptist preacher bless the car before departing. He explains to the preacher his request, and the preacher looks a little puzzled and asks "You say its an Italian what? What's a turbocharger?" Annoyed, the son zooms away and pulls into a Catholic church, hoping the priest might say a blessing or sprinkle a little holy water on the radiator. Puzzled, the priest says "What is a Ferrari my son?" Annoyed again,the son zooms over to the Unitarian church. The minister comes out and greets the son, and says "Fucking Awesome! Ferrari F-40, with digital fuel injection, 12 cyclinder quad turbocharged motor and a Getrag 6 speed gearbox. What's a blessing? ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 09:49:24 -0400 From: Grady Lacy Subject: Fractured Latin (only offensive to conservative Latin teachers) The following came throught on the Relitious Humor List [rehu-l] list yesterday. There were numerous "forwarded message" headings. I've cropped it to the, supposedly, original one. ---------- Forwarded message ---------- From: gascan@dcst16.pt (Bill Gascoyne) Newsgroups: alt.quotations Subject: Re: Fractured Latin (Was: Re: New to the g A co-worker years ago had this framed on his wall; mock Latin. O sibili si ergo Fortibusis in ero Nobili demis trux Sevatis enim Cousendux (tr: O see Billy, see there go forty busses in a row, No, Billy, them is trucks, See what is in 'em, Cows and ducks.) --- Bill Gascoyne ----- Speak for them? LSI Logic Corp. LSI |LOGIC| They hardly even 1501 McCarthy Blvd. | | listen to me! MS E-197 ----- Milpitas, CA 95035 LSI addr: gascan@dcst16 internet: gascan@lsil.com ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 10:32:10 -0400 From: Richard Hughen Subject: Anniversary A man and his wife are celebrating their 40th anniversary. Wife: "Honey, what did you get me for our anniversary?" Husband: "Let's take a ride and I'll show you." They get in their car, drive a distance. They enter a cemetery, drive to a designated spot. Here's your gift honey. ( It's a cemetery plot with the family name.) Well, she's not too pleased about her gift. Next year: "Honey, what did you get me for our anniversary?" Husband: "Nothing! You didn't use what I gave you last year." --over heard. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 13:47:42 -0400 From: "Mark J. Scheller" Subject: The Hedgehog song This came to me from another list -- and it was too good to pass up! << forwarded material begins here >> The Hedgehog Song, v1.5 (or why the Hedgehog can never be buggered at all) Reconstructed by Matthew Crosby and alt.fan.pratchett from the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered At All Verse 1. Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do But I have to say this as a warning to you: With almost all animals, you can have ball But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. Chorus 1: The spines on his back are too sharp for a man They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can The result I think you'll find will appall: The hedgehog can never be buggered at all! Verse 2. Mounting a horse can often be fun An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small) But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. Chorus2: The spines on his back are so awful thick you'll end up with naught but a painful prick. He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball, Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all! Verse 3. Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo Will be entertaining to both her and you Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. Chorus 1. Verse 4. A fish is refreshing, although a bit wet And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet Even a giraffe (despite being so tall) But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. Chorus 2. Verse 5. You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill It's amazing how humping a camel will thrill You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. Chorus 1. Verse 6. You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite We already mentioned the horse, you may recall But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. Chorus 2. Verse 7. You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell A troll can be rocky if down you should fall But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. Chorus 1. Verse 8. For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter Or pego a pig after parting his trotters Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appall But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. Chorus 2. Verse 9. For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer The lemurs cry "Frink!" as a coy mating call But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. Chorus 1. Verse 10. Antipodean pranks -- you can futter a wombat Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat Or hump a goanna -- go on, do it all But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. Chorus 2. Verse 11. A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising, Or mountin' a mountain goat (careful, don't fall!) But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. Chorus 1. Verse 12. You could thrust with a thrush if you fancy a climb, Or pork a few piglets if you have the time, A skinhead's pet cat if you don't mind a brawl, But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. << forwarded material ends here >> ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 12:08:15 -0700 From: John B Tanner Subject: off. to knights?? All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend " My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade." The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knights best friend. He said " Hey, you gave me the wrong key." ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 12:16:00 PDT From: Jack Kolb Subject: More Windows95 humor From: STAMPO Top 10 Rolling Stones songs that would be more appropriate than "Start Me Up" for the Windows '95 commercial 10. Just My Imagination 9. I'm Going Down 8. Let It Bleed 7. Gimme Shelter 6. Bitch 5. Shattered 4. Play With Fire 3. (I can't get no) Satisfaction 2. You Can't Always Get What you Want ... and the number one... 1. 19th Nervous Breakdown Jack Kolb old address: IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU new address: kolb@ucla.edu ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 21:50:00 +0100 From: ROBERT APPLETON Subject: The Expense Account Expense Account for June 1995 ------------------------------------- l June Ad for female stenographer $5.00 2 June Violets for new stenographer 7.50 6 June Week's salary for stenographer 225.00 9 June Roses for stenographer 25.00 10 June Candy for wife 4.50 12 June Lunch for stenographer 35.00 13 June Week's salary for stenographer 300.00 16 June Movie tickets for self and wife 6.00 18 June Theater tickets for self and stenographer 75.00 19 June Ice cream soda for wife 1.50 20 June Virginia's salary 375.00 23 June Champagne and dinner for "Ginny" 160.00 25 June Doctor for stupid stenographer 1500.00 25 June Fur coat for wife 6800.00 27 June Ad for male stenographer 6.50 ======================================== robert.appleton@sol.kiss.de ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 17:09:54 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Too passionate? Three drunks show up at the local whorehouse and the madam realizes they are too drunk to be able to function. One by one, she sends them up to a room containing an inflatable rubber female doll. The first drunk returns bragging about what great sex he just got done having; the second one does the same, but the third one returns with a puzzled look on his face. When asked about it by his buddies he says, "I thought I was doing great until I bit her on the tit, she let a fart and flew out the window!" Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 19:37:56 EDT From: KEITH E SULLIVAN Subject: Police Blotter & Practical Joke POLICE BLOTTER Recent Police Activity Kent Police 12900 block, Southeast 273rd Street -- A 24-year-old woman who was stopped for a traffic violation gave an officer a fake identification, which happened to be of a woman who had two warrants out for her arrest. When the officer began to arrest the motorist, she told him she had lied and given him a fake name. She was arrested for using a false identification. (August 24) >From _The Seattle Times_, Monday, August 28, 1995. Reprinted without permission. --------------------------------------------------------------------- BIT STUFFY, BUT HE SURE GETS AROUND by Jean Godden, _Seattle Times_ staff columnist Michael Jolivet, a Burien veterinarian, is a well-traveled fellow. But he isn't nearly as footloose as his mascot, Mr. Squirrel. The squirrel is a modern-day Marco Polo. The squirrel came into Jolivet's life in the early 1980s as a patient. Alas, Dr. Jolivet (pronounced ZHO-lee-vey and not jolly vet, even though that would be more appropriate) was unable to save the wounded creature. But the vet decided the squirrel was a good candidate for taxidermy. Jolivet stuffed him, named him Mr. Squirrel and installed him in a perch of honor in his Des Moines home. Mr. Squirrel sat undisturbed for years. Then, sometime in 1993, the squirrel vanished. Jolivet, distracted by the breakup of his marriage, doesn't know when. But he does recall that it was December 1993 when he stumbled on a shoebox-sized package on his doorstep. He opened the box and -- surprise, there was Mr. Squirrel, wrapped in copies of the Eugene Register-Guard. The squirrel had acquired a red-and-white hobo knapsack and a photo album with 60 snapshots of his travels. The pictures show Mr. Squirrel all over the United States and Europe. Here's the gallivanting squirrel at the Grand Canyon. There he is at London's Buckingham Palace. He's been to the Coliseum in Rome, the Golden Gate Bridge, the House of the Seven Gables and the British Museum. Who arranged this elaborate prank? And how was it managed? Can you imagine the hassle of getting a stuffed squirrel through customs? Jolivet has no clue. He has quizzed his ex-wife and friends. They say, "Not me." And the fun continues. Shortly after returning home, Mr. Squirrel started receiving "wish you were here" postcards from Germany addressed to "Rocky Squirrel." When Dr. Jolivet married Sara Lundgren recently, someone -- one of the guests perhaps? -- painted squirrel footprints across a card mounted on an easel at the wedding. >From _The Seattle Times_, Sunday, August 27, 1995. Reprinted without permission. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Sep 1995 to 2 Sep 1995 **********************************************