Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 15:06:03 CET From: Tim_ZZ_Holliefield_at_CC__RHEIN@admin.ed.umuc.edu Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Sep 1995 to 3 Sep 1995 There are 12 messages totalling 573 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. HUMOR List Traffic Report 2. Groceries (Politically Incorrect) 3. SLUGGO Press Release 4. Sex Jokes (adult themes) 5. Fish and chips 6. More Sig Quotes 7. Beatitude 8. Thumbs up? 9. REALLY SICK HUMOR (SEXUAL, OFFENSIVE FOR MANY) 10. The Code of the West 11. Orono, Maine 12. God is real- unless declared as an integer ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 3 Sep 1995 00:18:29 -0400 From: Jim Goldman Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report Greetings and salutations everyone! This is Jim Goldman, the Traffic Reporter for the HUMOR list. It's basically my job to let the readership of this list know how we're lookin', numbers wise that is. Once a month I post this message to the entire list, and every week, I bless (or curse, depending on your point of view) the contributors with the traffic report. As subscribers to this list, there are two ways of receiving it: as a message is posted ("MAIL" format) and as a conglomeration of all of the day's posts at the end of the day ("DIGEST" format.) A couple of weeks ago there was a brief exchange regarding the attachment of documents on the humor list. What I'm about to say is true for all internet mailing lists (as best as I know it, anyway). If you receive it in DIGEST format, you will not receive attached documents. There are advantages and disadvantages to each format. You have the right to decide and change it as you see fit... Either way send a command to the listserver at LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU. You would use the command SET HUMOR MAIL for the mail format, and SET HUMOR DIGEST for digest format. A command goes in the body of the text. If you have a message to get out to our contributors, I am always willing to listen to any concerns you may have. I will in turn, pass along what you have to say to the contributors with the report. Those of you who remember my last traffic report may notice that this is coming from a different address than last time. I HAVE in fact changed my primary email to jimphynn@interramp.com. You can reach me there any time. I'm still keeping my old AOL account (JimGPhynn) and I'll usually check that mail about once a week. Also, if you're interested in seeing the files that I use to assemble this report, email me. I'll show you how I do it... (I keep the files on my hard drive for one week, until I get the new week's files...) Here is the traffic report: Traffic Report for HUMOR, 27 August - 2 September (Number of articles posted each day) 4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last Date Day Back Back Back Back Week 27 Sunday 11 16 9 9 6 28 Monday 16 14 13 14 18 29 Tuesday 11 12 15 11 15 30 Wednesday 12 11 20 11 16 31 Thursday 14 9 15 16 11 1 Friday 14 16 13 16 13 2 Saturday 6 9 12 11 10 Averages 12.0 12.4 13.8 12.6 12.7 Subscriptions 6,677 6,695 6,711 6,825 6,898 Countries 60 60 60 60 62 Contributors 554 562 562 565 568 These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board, area distribution lists, etc. These numbers include both concealed and non-concealed subscribers. The countries that HUMOR goes out to are: Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Belgium, Brazi, Bulgaria, Canada, China, Colombia, Costa Rica, Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt, Estonia, Finland, France, Germany, Great Britain, Greece, Hongkong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Malaysia, Malta, Mexico, Mozambique, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Russia, Saudi-Arabia, Singapore, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Turkey, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela The purpose of the Posters list is to protect our readers from careless, quarrelsome, and selfish contributors. To become a member request the instructions by sending the command GET HUMOR GUIDE from our LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU address. ** The following are the goals of HUMOR: To provide a daily average of 10-20 substantial examples of humor. To provide a diversity of humor: sources, forms, and subjects. To provide freedom of expression for contributors and protection of sensitivities for readers. ** The following are the brief version of HUMOR's rules: 1) Three rules protect HUMOR from complaints. Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor. Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive. A contributor who violates rules may be suspended. 2) Six rules protect HUMOR members from excessive traffic. Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted. Discussion, requests, and criticisms should not be posted One contribution per day. No personal attacks, no apologies, and no reactions. Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 lines max). Conserve bandwidth: Avoid blank lines. No ASCII art. No signature file. And now for my obligatory humor sampling: Subject: God comes down >offensive to evangelists< With so much turmoil in the world, God decided to pay a visit to earth to check things out. He strolled into a bar and approached the first man he saw. "If you believe in me enough to give me $50, I will grant you eternal life." "Sorry, I'm an atheist," the fellow replied, "and have never believed in God." God walked up to another man and made the same offer. "Well, I'm an agnostic and not really sure if I believe in you or not," the guy said, "but here's fifty bucks just in case." As the Lord turned away, a third man ran up to him. "I'm and I don't really care whether you're God or not," he said excitedly. "Just teach me the trick you did with the agnostic and I'll give you $100." Jim Goldman, Traffic Reporter (jimphynn@interramp.com) ===================================================================== To leave the contributors list send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR-P. To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR. To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUBSCRIBE HUMOR Call-name FamilyName. A command goes in the 1st line of the message field. ----------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 21:51:21 -0700 From: MachuPicchu Subject: Groceries (Politically Incorrect) > The following story was told to me by my hair stylist: > A father took his three-year-old son grocery shopping, and had his son sitting in the special-shopping-cart-seat provided for children. Thus his son had a very good view of everything and was quite busy taking it all in. When they got to the check-out line, they were in back of an enormously broad lady whose shopping cart was full to point of collapsing. After a couple of minutes, the father began to get very nervous because he saw how entranced and wide-eyed his son was with the huge lady and her over-flowing shopping cart, and he knew it would be only a matter of time before his son would say something, possibly something impolite. Yet, he dared not try and distract his son because he thought that breaking the boy's trance would cause the boy to say whatever he was thinking...and sooner rather than later. Just then the beeper the lady was wearing on the back of her belt began beeping. The little boy looked up at his father and said, "Look out, Dad. She's backing up!" ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Sep 1995 09:21:10 -0400 From: Imre Kertesz III Subject: SLUGGO Press Release DISCLAIMER: SLUGGO Press Release is a parody of daily international news. Every person, government, religion, etc. that makes headlines is a target. I don't discriminate. SLUGGO NEWS can be offensive; there are too many topics to provide individual disclaimers. I welcome any suggestions, input, or criticism. ____________________________________________________ SLUGGO Press Release- By The Newsguy 29th ed. Contributions by Tigger H I G H L I G H T S 1. (CHECHENIA) Russia's armed forces have suffered a big setback after troops ran into fierce resistance from well-equipped Street Fighters defending the Chechen capital Grozny. The Kremlin said it had lost dozens of armored vehicles to Ken and Ryu. Moscow's troops, sent into Chechenia on December 11 to crush Chechen leader M. Bison, entered Grozny on New Year's Eve only to fall victim to stubborn opposition by Blanka, Sagat, and Chun Li's dreaded "spinning star kick". The Russian government claimed Street Fighter II characters, not rank-and-file Chechen fighters, were leading the defense of Grozny. It said they were using Sonic Boom punches, Fire Punches, WhirlWind kicks, and Tiger Punches against Russian troops. The whereabouts of Chechen leader M. Bison were unclear. -TIGGER, 02 JAN- 2. (COTTON PLANT, ARKANSAS) President Clinton emerged from the woods Tuesday with two dead conservatives over his shoulder and a grin on his face after a relaxing morning hunting with old friends in Arkansas, a brief respite before the Republicans officially take over Congress. In an exceptionally genial and chatty mood, Clinton said he put aside thoughts of Washington during this mini-vacation home, which he called a "last chance to bag a couple of conservative bastards before they completely take over." Dressed in hunter's camouflage with a 'David Duke for Congress' baseball cap planted on his head, he took care to note that the assault weapons ban in his crime bill didn't apply to hunters, as he proudly displayed his custom fully-automatic military plasma rifle. The dead conservatives will not be staying in Arkansas. He dropped them off at a friend's house to be skinned, dressed and shipped to the White House, where he said he plans to eat them. -SLUG, 01 JAN- CAPSULES 1. (HAITI) Haitian refugees at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba who do not agree by Jan. 5 to be repatriated will be poked in the eyes with sharp sticks, the State Department said Thursday. -SLUG, 02 JAN- 2. (TURKEY) Fifty-four people were killed when a Turkish Airlines (THY) airliner flew off course and collided with an AT&T communications satellite. -REUSTR, 02 JAN- 3. (SARAJEVO) With cease-fire violations on the rise across Bosnia, the top U.N. commander made plans to travel Wednesday to the republic's most battered region to try to shoot the perpetrators. -EVIL, 28 Dec- 4. (KUWAIT) A U.N. observer was trampled by sheep stampeding from the Iraqi side of the Iraq-Kuwait border while he was on a routine patrol early on Thursday, a U.N. spokesman said. The herd hasn't been recovered and no one has claimed responsibility for the incident. -BLENCH, 29 DEC. 5. (MEXICO) Rebel gorilla leaders in Chiapet said on Thursday they pulled back some gorilla units to their jungle bases as the threat of fresh fighting with elephant and chimpanzee troops faded. The 7 month war for control of the jungle's banana horde has been brought to a tenuous peace, thanks to the mediating of former jungle president Tarzan II and his personal valet, the famous chimpanzee known as Cheetah. -TIGGER, 29 DEC- 6. (NETHERLANDS) Around 30 barrels containing a liquid called sulphur-oxychloride-sonnyandcher-thermonuclear ballistic-oxy-l0 were lost from a German cargo ship Thursday about 60 miles off the west coast of the Netherlands and close to British waters. Officials are worried that the substance, which is used by millions of acne infested teens to combat pimples, will have a negative impact on the environment. "Well, at least our fish will have clear complexions," Dutch coast guards said. -TIGGER, 29 DEC- 7. (MOSCOW) The mysterious cargo that arrived at a U.S. military base last week carried a state-of-the-art air defense system that Belarus sold to Washington over Russia's objections, newspapers reported Saturday. Russian officials are afraid the U.S. acquisition of the 5-300 system will seriously hamper Moscow's ability to sell it abroad and cost Russia billions of dollars, a military analyst said. Washington's response to Russia's objections was reportedly "Boo-Hoo". -SLUG, 29 Dec- ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Sep 1995 18:54:31 CET From: Piotr Plebaniak Subject: Sex Jokes (adult themes) Did you hear about the Newfie Who thought nipples were Japanese children. Did you hear about the Newfie who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that he'd never be able to face his girl again. Did you hear about the nurse they thought had drowned until they found her under the doc. Did you hear about the perverted australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney. Did you hear about the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This Space". Did you hear about the procedure whereby a Nobel Prize winner furnishes sperm for artificial-insemination purposes that is referred to as A STROKE OF GENIUS. Did you hear about the real smart girl who could play post-office all night without getting any mail in her box. Did you hear about the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the men who have tried Camels have gone back to women. Did you hear about the rumor that an FBI agent who was given task of shadowing a gay liberation leader has been summarily dismissed because he blew his assignment. Did you hear about the rumor that Disneyland plans to promote a bumper sticker reading,DO A MOUSE A FAVOR: EAT A PUSSY! Did you hear about the rumor that the vatican is freezing flavored holy water and selling the product as "Popesicles". Did you hear about the rumor that Walt Disney Productions is going to remake "Beaver Valley" as a skin flick. Did you hear about the unreconstructed male supremacist who said that if all the women's lib activists were laid end to end, that it would be the best thing that could happen to them. Did you hear about the woman who got out of a taxi, and charged the driver five bucks. Did you hear that a new airline linking Geneva with Milan, Rome and Naples is to be called Genitalia. Did you hear that A voyeur's liberation front is being organized and their slogan is "Power To The Peephole". Did you hear that anal sex is a bum trip. Did you hear that She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together. Did you hear that some independent skin-flick producers are combining to form a major studio to be known as 20th Century-Fux. Did you hear that The fastest four-handed game in the world is when it slips out . Did you hear that The Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organizati on in the world from which a man resigns when be becomes a member in good standing. Did you hear that The only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears. Did you hear that the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled "Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians". Did you hear that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality could go either way Did you hear that those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male version -- with nuts of course. Did you hear The report that the leading manufacturer of imported vibrators is a Japanese firm that now calls itself Genital Electric. Did you hear You can make it illegal, but can't make it unpopular. Finger fun is called MASTER-bation because anyone old enough to take things in hand can master it. Happiness is inviting a chick to hit the feathers and hearing her say she'll be tickled pink. He took a shine to her stuff ... so she polished him off in a hurry. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Sep 1995 10:05:00 PDT From: sidney moskowitz Subject: Fish and chips While touring Britain I stopped at a cathedral where priests were selling fish and chips. I walked up to one and asked him if he was the fish fryer. "No", he said, "I'm the chip monk". ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Sep 1995 16:24:27 -0400 From: Jim Trelut Subject: More Sig Quotes Here are more funny sig's sent to me by HUMOR-L people, and a few more I found. The quote by Sigmund Freud is maybe para-phrasing or something. ..................................... What you're doing's so weird, I can't even figure out what you're doing. I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing near you!! Ah, your flesh-mother used to bring me pudding.... -- Homer Simpson If you Don't Know where you're going..... You'll end up someplace else. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.....Hey!.....Everybody keep your hands above your desks! --Sigmund Freud GARDEN STATE is on the New Jersey license plate because the words; TOXIC WASTDUMP DIRTBAG STATE won't fit. I am a greedy, selfish bastard. I want the fact that I existed to mean somthing. -- Harry Chapin I won't be runnin' from the rain when I'm gone / And I can't even suffer from the pain when I'm gone / Can't say who's to praise and who's to blame when I'm gone / So I guess I'll have to do it while I'm here. -- Phil Ochs New Orleans: It tastes much better than it smells. A friend is someone who will help you move your furniture. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body. .............. The rest are quotes by Groucho Marx Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. I must confess, I was born at a very early age. It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all. Hello, I must be going. Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. Women should be obscene and not heard. Time wounds all heels. Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife. Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you? Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Sep 1995 17:59:51 -0400 From: Lee Bradley Subject: Beatitude Head on "My Word!", a British contribution to public radio programming in the USA: "The meek don't WANT it!" ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Sep 1995 19:55:57 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Thumbs up? A husband, wife and their two sons were watching TV. The wife looked at her husband and winked. He said, "Boys, excuse us for a few minutes, we're going up to our bedroom for a little while." Pretty soon, one boy becomes curious, goes upstairs and notices the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in, watches for a little while and then trots downstairs. He gets his brother, takes him up to the partially open door and says, "Before you look in there, keep in mind this is the same woman that paddles our butts for sucking our thumbs!" Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Sep 1995 09:14:01 JST From: Maurizio MORABITO Subject: REALLY SICK HUMOR (SEXUAL, OFFENSIVE FOR MANY) A young teenager girl enters a shop and asks for condoms. The shop-owner can't believe his eyes: "Condoms at your age? Look: there is still milk on your face!". "It isn't milk", she answers. ======= maurizio ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Sep 1995 21:25:13 -0400 From: Ilene Slightly Subject: The Code of the West THE CODE OF THE WEST A Cowboy's Guide to Life by Texas Bix Bender *Write it in your heart. Stand by the code, and it will stand by you. *Ask no more and give no less than honesty, courage, loyalty, generosity, and fairness. *You don't need decorated words to make your meanin' clear. Say it plain and save some breath for breathin'. *Don't never interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none. *If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. *Never grumble. It makes you about as welcome as a sidewinder in a cow camp. *Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. *If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. *It don't matter so much how long a ride you have, as how well you ride it. *Always drink upstream from the herd. *The first thing to do when you get up in the morning is put on your Stetson. *Don't worry about biting off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger 'n you think. *Don't get mad at somebody who knows more 'n you do. It ain't their fault. *Talk low, talk slow, and don't day too much. *Generally, you ain't learnin' nothin' when your mouth is a-jawin'. *If you want to forget all your troubles, take a little walk in a brand-new pair of high-heeled ridin' boots. *The wildest critters live in the city! *Trust everybody in the game, but always cut the cards. *The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. *No matter who says what, don't believe it if it don't make sense. *Don't let so much reality into your life that there's no room left for dreamin'. *Makin' it in life is kinda like bustin' broncs: you're gonna get thrown a lot. The simple secret is to keep gettin' back on. *Never miss a chance to rest your horse. *Go after life as if it's something that's got to be roped in a hurry before it gets away. *Don't squat with yer spurs on! ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Sep 1995 22:42:21 -0400 From: Richard Hughen Subject: Orono, Maine I was attending a summer class in 1962 at the University of Maine in Orono. One day, as I was nearing the University, I noticed my gas gauge was registering near empty. I spotted a sign which read, "GAS - $0.23/gallon." I pulled in along side the pumps. As the attendant was filling my car, I noticed that the cost per gallon on the pump registered $0.19 per gallon. When he came to the car window I said, "Hey mister: How come you have a sign out by the road saying .23 cents and on the pump .19 cents a gallon?" " 'Cause, if I put .19 cents a gallon on the sign, every darn fool from here to Bangor would stop, and I'd never get any rest then!" ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Sep 1995 22:43:36 -0500 From: Ian Chai Subject: God is real- unless declared as an integer Selected from "Stamper's News Nuggets" http://www.clark.net/pub/jeffd/nuggets.html __ WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD: "Angela has no friends or neighbors who can identify her, because for four years she has lived entirely on the Internet." -Caryn James reviewing "The Net" in the New York Times. __ HOO, BOY: "It is no coincidence that the shipping out of Windows 95 and the fall of Srebrenica [in the former Yugoslavia] take place on the same weekend. These are deeply entwined events. What takes place in Redmond and Srebenica is the final settlement of human flesh in the last days of the 20th century: the bitter division of the world into virtual flesh and surplus flesh. Windows 95 opens out onto the dominant ideology and privileged life position of digital flesh." -CTHEORY, an academic social theory e-zine from Concordia University in Montreal (8/24/95) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Sep 1995 to 3 Sep 1995 **********************************************