Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 15:05:59 CET From: Tim_ZZ_Holliefield_at_CC__RHEIN@admin.ed.umuc.edu Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Sep 1995 to 5 Sep 1995 There are 16 messages totalling 608 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Humor: The Boston Driver 2. In The News - Political, may also be off to immigrants, animals, more! 3. The three secretaries 4. No joke 5. The Planets Suite 6. A Man And His Chicken 7. Women bashing (offensive to women, language) 8. Last but not least 9. Riddle (possibly offensive to Irish outdoosmen) 10. Life 9.1 11. This just in! 12. gorillas 13. Children' Sermon Joke 14. The Gynecologist. (Guess what?) 15. Are Your Kids on Drugs? 16. Humor: Samples (Clean) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 4 Sep 1995 22:21:37 -0700 From: MachuPicchu Subject: Humor: The Boston Driver > The following excerpts are from a book entitled "The Boston Driver's Handbook," a seriocomic publication that is sometimes hilarious, sometimes serious, and most of the time quite accurate: > "...the craft and artistry of a Boston Driver is a sight to behold, preferably at a safe distance. In Boston itself, one need only look to the nearest street corner to witness the crumbling of the stop sign barrier or perhaps hear the delicate crunch of a fender-bender. No one really seems to mind, least of all the Boston Police." > "At this time, no other city can come close to matching the caliber of Boston's own Boston Drivers. In this book we will discuss the offensive driving skills you will need to know to ensure your survival as a motorist here." > Impatience: "The only things that count are arrival and survival." [The first commandment is] "Thou shalt reach thy destination as quickly as possible. Everyone and everything else be damned." > The Ideal Car: "It's always a good idea to have a few dents placed around the car's body. The advantages are many....dents manke your car a less attractive target for Boston's prolific car thieves....and when other drivers see your dents....they figure you are a lousy driver, probably a little bit drunk and crazy as well....so why should they risk life, limb, and property messing with you? Dents do wonders to clear the roadway around you." > The New Car: "The new car condition is self-curing, however. Sooner or later your new car will receive its proper Boston baptism. After it has been stolen a few times and has caught a few nicks and scrapes banging up cars and pedestrians, it will no longer be new." > Driving Laws: "The only way you really have a chance for a moving violation is to hit something that can vote....Any other maneuver, no matter how blatantly illegal, hasn't got a prayer. Speeding, going the wrong way down a one-way street, illegal turns, obstructing traffic are a waste of time because you just won't stand out from the crowd of your fellow drivers." > Street Layout: "The hodgepodge of one- and two-way streets pointing in different directions, curving wildly, merging from three lanes to one and back again, and sprinkled with 'No Left Turn' signs is enough to unsettle any anarchist." > Street Signs: "If you are in an unfamiliar part of town, don't even try to navigate by street signs. Most intersections don't have them; those that do, have their signs set at an odd angle. Major streets are almost never marked; cross streets might be. It is assumed that the motorist always knows what street he is driving on. Consequently, getting lost is a common occurence." > Massachusetts was one of the last states to permit 'Right turn on Red'....As soon as the measure became law, 'No turn on Red" signs began appearing on every street corner....To make up for this, city planners are now gathering support for a new law permitting 'straight ahead on red, and there is a chance that it will pass this year." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Sep 1995 09:45:34 GMT From: Ed Lambert Subject: In The News - Political, may also be off to immigrants, animals, more! In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times Includes some late night humor Reprinted w/o permission WARNING: May also be offensive to lawyers, FEMA, OJ, LAPD, Jimmy Hoffa, Elizabeth Taylor, drug addicts and alcoholics, women with breast implants California Governor Pete Wilson announced his bid for the Presidency in front of the Statue of Liberty. It symbolizes his feelings on immigration. He wants the statue turned into a guard tower. Senator Bob Packwood is having more troubles - he accidentally bit his tongue and now he's being charged with tampering with the evidence. Ex-Governor of Alaska Walter J. Hickle's response when asked about a controversial predator-control program... "We just can't let Mother Nature run wild!" OJ Update When Assistant District Attorney Hank Goldberg asked Dr. Henry Lee if he had some red tape to mark a display board, an officer from FEMA offered an unlimited supply. Dr. Lee testified that none of OJ's fingerprints were found at the crime scene... so, I guess the gloves do fit! The defense objected to the showing of video tape with OJ wearing gloves similar to the ones found at the crime scene. "Prosecutors are once again trying to turn the Fuhrman case into the Simpson case." "Internal Affairs", the 1990 thriller starring Richard Gere as a corrupt, brutal LA cop is being re-released. This time, as a documentary. In Other News Jimmy Hoffa's son is running for president of the Teamsters Union. Critics say it will be hard for him to fill his father's cement shoes. Young Hoffa is annoyed by the way people keep bringing up his dad. Little by little. From under Giants Stadium. Elizabeth Taylor is having a trial separation from hubby number 7. Problems arose almost immediately after the wedding when the Department of Motor Vehicles refused to issue her a drivers license under the name Elizabeth Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Warner Fortensky. The Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame opened in Cleveland. I thought we already had one... it's called the Betty Ford Clinic. Television viewers will settle the Miss America swimsuit issue by voting during the show. They'' decide which looks better - saline or silicone. That's all folks - have a great weekend!!! ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 08:20:41 +0100 From: Mark Mostert Subject: The three secretaries This joke will probably offend most women, unfortunately I think there's alot of truth in the story ... Suffering the effects of the economic depression, this businessman had to fire two of his three secretaries. All three of them were very good at their jobs and he did not know which ones to dismiss, so he decided to test them by slipping an extra 100 bucks in their monthly salary. The first secretary surreptiously pocketed the money and didn't say a word. The second secretary came in to her boss, explained that she had received an extra $100 and that she had invested it in bonds at 12,5 percent interest. The third secretary came in to the boss and handed over the $100, explaining that she had been paid too much money that month and that she could not accept the money. So which one kept the job ? ... The good looking one with the big tits of course. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 08:57:29 METDST From: Jan Kucera Subject: No joke An independent TV showed a remarkable letter a plaintiff received from a Czech court. A man sued another as the adversary did not pay his debt. When the debtor died the plaintiff canceled the complaint. As a result he received a letter from the court that confirmed the cancellation. The last sentence was hillarious: "The adversary expressed consent with the cancellation of your complaint." N.B. I apologize if I did not use correct legal terms. I am not expert in such details of the English language. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 08:43:05 GMT From: Michael Forster Subject: The Planets Suite Hottest new book: Men are from Mars Women are from Venus Lawyers are from Uranus ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 07:50:00 EDT From: "Lynn, Jon" Subject: A Man And His Chicken Jack is one horny guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. Jack walks down the street to the local brothel and knocks on the door. The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she can do for him. "I'm really horny but I only have $5. What can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam. She looks over this fellow and tells Jack, "Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem." She leads Jack into this room where in the opposite corner is a chicken. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and closes the door behind her. With the eagerness of a young teenager he quickly undresses. Once naked, Jack wastes no time and starts to f**k the chicken. As soon as Jack develops a rhythm he starts to enjoy himself a great deal. He and the chicken really go at it for a while until all that built up frustration is finally released. Jack can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience. One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $10. "Well for $10 we have special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show Jack", the madam tells Jack. Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat on one of benches. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other. Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each other. Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says, "this is a pretty good show for ten bucks eh?! The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing.....last week we saw a guy f**k a chicken." -- Jokes from the JON ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 09:13:11 EDT From: "KRIS S. HAMILTON" Subject: Women bashing (offensive to women, language) I just heard these and thought i would pass them along!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why did the woman cross the road? Doesn't matter the bitch should have been in the kitchen. How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the bulb and one to blow me. How many male's does it take to screw in a light bulb??? None, make the bitch do it! Well it's been grand. Post again later!!!! Kris S. Hamilton======> KSHAMI01@starbase.spd.louisville.edu ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 12:00:02 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Last but not least Four golfers were on the first tee. The first one drove his golf ball 200 yards up the middle of the fairway. The second golfer hit an identical drive but it was 250 yards long. The third golfer duplicated their efforts but hit an even longer driver of 300 yards. The fourth golfer (Harry) hit a weak 160 yard slice into the thorn bushes on the right side of the fairway. The other three golfers strolled up the fairway and began talking about their sons. "My son is doing great, he just bought a new Mercedes-Benz," the first golfer remarked. The second one replied, "My son is doing even better, he just bought a new Ferrari." Not to be outdone, the third golfer laughed and said, "My son just bought a new yacht." Just then, Harry came walking up (scratched and bleeding from the thorns) and when they asked him how his son was doing, he flew into a rage and said, "Not only am I having a lousy round of golf but you guys just had to ask me about my son. I just found out that he is gay. Come to think of it though, he isn't doing all that badly. The guys he's living with just bought him a Mercedes-Benz, a Ferrari and a new yacht." Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 12:13:02 -0400 From: Curtis White Subject: Riddle (possibly offensive to Irish outdoosmen) Riddle: What Irishman stays out in the back yard all night, every night? Answer: Paddy O'Furniture. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 09:16:11 -0700 From: Henry Cate Subject: Life 9.1 Selections from: "The Canonical List of Bill Clinton Jokes" by bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu This was posted to rec.humor ------------------------------------------------------------ Please send me any Bill Clinton humor that you know of or that you hear from friends, comedians, talk-show monologues, radio, etc. There might be quite a few on election day and immediately following, so keep an ear out. Send Bill Clinton humor to: bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu ----------------------------- Late Night With David Letterman's suggested Clinton campaign slogan: "We don't have a clue, but we don't have a Quayle." Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow? A: By the wise look in the eyes. From an Associated Press report: Gore, a 16-year veteran of Congress, pledged to take on the assignment with "great relish and enthusiasm." He asked voters skeptical of their promise of change to remember that every Communist government in Eastern Europe fallen in 100 days. "Now it's our turn here in the United States of America," Gore said. Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues. A: None -- He'll only promise "change." Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying? A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one. TRUE STORY A friend told me he saw this on F-Troop last night: The Captain, the Chief, and an Inspector General were discussing the Chief's breaking of a Treaty. The following was the dialog: Inspector General: But Chief, how could you break the treaty? You smoked the peace pipe with us! Chief: Ah, yes. But, I didn't inhale! HELLO! Sound familiar everybody? Not only can't Clinton tell the truth, but he plagiarizes his lies! -- Henry Cate III To learn how to get a MS Windows 3.1 Application with 15,000 jokes from the Life Humor collection, send E-Mail to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject. Or check out http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 14:51:36 -0400 From: Gwen Eckman Subject: This just in! THIS is TRUE for 27 August 1995 Copyright 1995 by Randy Cassingham ------------------------------------------------------------------------ THIS JUST IN: The front page of the Aspen (Colo.) Daily News told the whole story. A local woman, it reported, "rampaged through local singles bars Wednesday night, leaving a string of wasted males in her wake." Indeed, "no less than 37 men aged 13 to 78 were taken to local hospitals. Their injuries included everything from severe bleeding due from hickies on their necks to sexual exhaustion." But the reporter who wrote the story created it as a joke for his girlfriend, and never intended for the file to get into the paper's typesetting system -- let alone the front page. Locals were far from outraged: some bought extra copies, and "people are asking us to run this once a week," the news editor said. (AP) ...Are they going to punish the reporter, or promote him? THIS WON'T HURT A BIT: Researchers at the Anuradhapura Hospital in Sri Lanka have come up with a new anti-venom for victims of the Russell's viper, one of many poisonous snakes in the region. But to win government approval, they must test the new potion on at least 75 bite victims by the end of October, and they're behind schedule. "We are desperately in need of victims," one of the doctors in the study said. "The victims don't have to be Sri Lankan. Anyone is welcome." (Reuter) ...Everyone needs to pitch in: if you are bitten, book a flight immediately. THIS WON'T HURT A BIT II: E.J. Mallory, an American Army dentist assigned to occupied Japan after World War II, was asked to make a set of dentures for Gen. Hideki Tojo, who was imprisoned awaiting trial for war crimes. Mallory, knowing who the dentures were for, inscribed a Morse code message into the false teeth of the man who approved the surprise attack on Hawaii that brought the U.S. into the war: "Remember Pearl Harbor". Mallory said recently the gag "wasn't anything done in anger. It's just that not many people had the chance to get those words into his mouth." A ham radio operator, Mallory used code instead of block letters to keep the message hidden. But the secret leaked out within weeks, and Mallory had to wake Tojo in the middle of the night to remove the phrase. The next morning, when an officer demanded to know "Is there any truth in this report that `Remember Pearl Harbor' is inscribed in the dentures?", Mallory was able to truthfully answer, "No Sir!" (AP) ...He took the words right out of my mouth. CHARGE IT: Cindy Penka called her husband Thomas at the electronics store where he works to tell him that she had just been robbed of her purse. As they discussed cancelling her credit cards, a store clerk signalled Thomas that someone had just handed him one of Cindy's credit cards for a purchase. Thomas told Cindy he had to go, then called police. The clerk was able to stall long enough for police to arrive and arrest two men on larceny and forgery charges. (AP) ...Just their rotten luck: the clerk knew Cindy didn't have a moustache. TALENT DAY AT THE FARM: "Couple Produces Organic Milk" -- AP headline Copyright 1995 by Randy Cassingham, All Rights Reserved. Broadcast, publication or storage -- including on CD-ROM, listservers, BBSs, WWW, "FTP" archives, or anywhere else -- is STRICTLY PROHIBITED without PRIOR written permission. However, permission is GRANTED to circulate this publication via MANUAL forwarding by e-mail to others providing that 1) the file is transmitted IN ITS ENTIRETY, from the title and byline on top to the end of this paragraph, and 2) NO FEE is charged. More than fair, isn't it? ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 16:11:41 EDT From: Ann Dellarocco Subject: gorillas First a newsbyte: Hear about the new OJ T-shirts? They have DEFECTIVE VERMIN on the front. A zoo keep asked a big, strong fellow: "Want a job?" "Doing what," he asked. "Our gorilla died," he said. "If we got you a special suit, would you imitate him for several days?" "Yes sir," he answered. He did well, until he accidentally landed in the lion's den. "Help," he yelled. "Shut up, Stupid," cried the man dressed like a lion. "You will get us both fired." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 14:16:31 PDT From: Mark Huth Subject: Children' Sermon Joke The pastor of a small local church started his children's sermon by holding up a picture of a deer and asking if anyone knew what kind of animal it was. There was silence from the group from a while, and then one boy guessed that it was a moose. "No", the pastor said, "but you're close". More silence as the kids tried to think what animal it could be. One girl thought it might be a cow, but she was also incorrect. "Let me give you a hint", said the pastor. The name of this animal is the same as a name your mother might call your father when she's feeling affectionate". Immediately, little Johnny's hand shot up and he proclaimed, "I know, I know, that's a horny bastard!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 16:35:00 - From: "Howard, Dan" Subject: The Gynecologist. (Guess what?) This lady moves to a new town when it's about the time for her annual female-type checkup. So she asks a girl in her apartment building for a reference as to the best gynecologist in town. The girl tells her the name of her favorite doctor with the remark, "You'll just love him, he's got a great sense of humor and is very gentle". So the lady makes an appointment for the next week. The day for the appointment arrives and she goes to his office. After the initial questions and filling out of the chart, he has her undress and assume the position in the stirrups. "Hmmmm..." he says, "I'm not quite sure about this........" "What is it????" asks the lady, "anything serious?" "Well, I'm not sure," said the doctor, "this could be a little tricky here." "Would you like me to numb you first?" "If you think I need it," she replied, "go right ahead". So he shoves his face right in her crotch and goes "Num-num-num-num-num-num". ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 14:36:17 -0400 From: Matt Patterson Subject: Are Your Kids on Drugs? These are exerpts from Ooze: The Journal of Wit, Substance, and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits. Issue #6 is now available at http://www.io.com/~ooze/ or via e-mail request from drbubonic@aol.com. This special Back-To-School issue includes articles on How to Tell if your Kids are on Drugs, a Mime Prank, A list of the most unpopular newsgroups, A Carrer Bulliten for College Students, Rejected Ben&Jerry's flavors and more. Ooze has been written about in the Washington Post, Hotwired, Exclaim Magaine and other places. Articles have been reprinted in lots of print publications and in a book, Internet Insider (McGraw Hill, 1995) I have exerpted a sample article from the current issue for your pleasure. Well, really mine I guess. ARE YOUR KIDS ON DRUGS? Many parents today are concerned that their offspring might somehow be involved in the world of illegal pharmaceuticals, or "drugs". This is a healthy concern. Knowing your kids are "high" is the first step toward helpng them avoid problems with their health, their grades, the law, and getting those hard-to-clean vomit stains out of the Oriental rug. KNOW THE WARNING SIGNS- select the option which best describes your child. 1. Your child's idea of a fun sport to play is: A) tossing a pigskin ball around B) throwing an orange rubber ball into a netted hole C) inserting a pointy needle into a vein and mixing foreign substances into the human bloodstream. 2. Your child's idea of a responsible adult is: A) Bill Clinton B) Tom Hanks C) Charles Manson. 3. Your child's favorite hobbies include: A) Model Rocketry B) Baseball C) Taking white, powdery substances from a big bag and breaking it down into many smaller bags. 4. Your child's pet is: A) a puppy dog B) a 16' python C) a colony of imaginary bugs and spiders that crawl under their skin. 5. Your child's breath smells like: A) a fresh, minty mountain top B) lunch C) an opium den. 6. When your young ones dress up to go out, they look like: A) Fred and Ginger B) Regis and Kathy Lee C) Sid and Nancy 7. Your child would identify Tijuana Gold as: A) a precious metal B) a Mexican theme park C) a good deal, but not as potent as the stuff from Thailand. 8. When you ask your child how their day at school was at the dinner table they answer: A) they scored a goal for their soccer team B) they got the highest grade in class on a math test C) they scored a dime bag and got high. Total up the number of times you answered "C" to the questions above, and consult the table below. 0 "C's"- Chances are your child is not on drugs. They probably aren't that exciting either. Kick them out of the house and force them to live on the cold streets for a few months to let them really appreciate life in all it's murkiness. 1-3 "C's"- Your child might be on drugs, but you can't be certain. Put a flashlight up to their face and flash it in their eyes. This doesn't really tell you anything, but it scares the pants off your kids and is kind of fun. 3-6 "C's"- You may as well face it, you've got a little druggie on your hands. Your child is a menace to society and must be dealt with accordingly. We suggest a good flaying to help them kick their nasty habit. Confiscate all their stash and send it to Ooze. 7-8 "C's"- Your child has never used drugs. No sir. Just smile nicely at them and slink out of the house. Never return. ----- I'll send the other one tommorrow, but after that you can only get the rest from me, or the web page ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 19:25:39 -0700 From: MachuPicchu Subject: Humor: Samples (Clean) > The following stories are samples from the September/October issue of "The Christian Reader," published bi-monthly by "Christianity Today, Inc.," P.O. Box 37209, Boone, Iowa 50037-2029, 1-800-223-3161. > KIDS OF THE KINGDOM, pp. 85,86. "On the highway, we passed a race track. Our six-year-old Rick asked, "What is that place?" And I replied, "It's where people go to race dogs." After a long pause, Rick observed, "I bet the dogs win." > "Over dinner, my mother mentioned that her church was going to install a second minister. This puzzled our younger son since our church has only one minister. Mother explained why, then added, "One of the largest churches in town has *five*! At that, our older son, wide-eyed, exclaimed, 'Wow! How long is *their* service?'" > "One day at lunch I asked my young son, Micah, what he wanted to eat. 'A boy cheese,' he replied. I didn't know what he meant until a few days later when I asked him if he wanted a grilled cheese sandwich. 'No,' he said exasperated. 'I don't want a *girl* cheese sandwich! I want a *boy* cheese!'" > LITE FARE, pp. 9. For years we lived in a small town with one bank and three churches. Early one Monday morning, the bank called all three churches with the same request. "Could you bring in Sunday's collection right away? We're out of one-dollar bills." > THIS ONE FROM CALVIN AND HOBBES COMIC STRIP: Calvin's teacher is finishing up her lesson, and before starting the next lesson, she asks the class if there are any questions. Calvin raises his hand, and the teacher says, "Yes, Calvin, what is your question?" So Calvin asks, "What is the meaning of human existence?" The teacher says, "I meant questions related to the lesson we just had." Calvin then says, "Well, I'd really like to get this question resolved before going ahead with any more work." ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Sep 1995 to 5 Sep 1995 **********************************************