Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 15:06:00 CET From: Tim_ZZ_Holliefield_at_CC__RHEIN@admin.ed.umuc.edu Subject: HUMOR Digest - 5 Sep 1995 to 6 Sep 1995 There are 7 messages totalling 150 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Limerick (possibly offensive to chinese, women, and men; sexual content) 2. Lawyer joke. (off to catfish). 3. More on the 'your mother' theme 4. kids talking 5. Ala Carte? 6. O.J. joke, offensive to O.J. fans, C. Reeve, the handicapped 7. Junior's education ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 22:09:57 -0600 From: Mark Pendleton Subject: Limerick (possibly offensive to chinese, women, and men; sexual content) A forthritght young maid from Hong Kong Said "It is entirely wrong To say my vagina 'S the biggest in china Just because of your mean little dong!" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Sep 1995 08:59:00 - From: "Howard, Dan" Subject: Lawyer joke. (off to catfish). Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish. A: One is a slimy, yellow-bellied, bottom-feeding, hard-headed, shit-eater... The other is a fish. ----------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Sep 1995 11:38:00 EDT From: Matthew Gaunt Subject: More on the 'your mother' theme Your mother is like a bowling ball: She gets picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter, and the bitch still comes back for more... ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Sep 1995 16:03:58 -0400 From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE Subject: kids talking TOXIC WATER And Other Childish Neologisms by Jim Mica The infant does not speak. If you check out the etymology of 'infant' you'll see that that is the root meaning of the word. As soon as kids begin to speak, linguistic marvels abound. Before my daughter had English words she had a wonderful exclamation which she often intoned. She'd be sitting there in her seat in the back of the car and we would suddenly be treated to the cry of "BEE'-DOW," with a slight emphasis on the first syllable. It seemed to be the equivalent of, "Oh, Wow!" or "Holy Cow." Since she started using regular English, however, she has never been able to tell us just what BEE'-DOW meant. In her early years her favorite food was "HANGER-BANGERS." How a kid growing up in Pittsburgh, PA came up with this quasi-British name for ground beef on a bun (aka, hamburgers) is still a mystery. But I called this essay Toxic Water because that was the name our resident 7 year-old gave to the stuff that his Mom was drinking during the heat of this past summer. It is axiomatic that kids will insist they like anything they see their parents eating and drinking. Mom sat at the table with a cool gin & tonic, garnished with lime, and sonny wanted some. He asurred us all that he really liked Toxic Water. After a snif of the empty soda bottle, he was even more certain. A few days later, after we had gotten in some more toxic water, our dauntless lad strode into the kitchen and asked for a glass of it. I carefully poured some over ice and started to hand it to him. He was not satisfied with this and pointed out that the drink needed to have a lime slice in it. I added a lime slice. He took the drink, tasted it and declared that it needed some gin. After some brief thought, I splashed some dry grape ginger- ale into the glass along with the toxic water, ice and lime. This satisfied our little gourmet. I, myself, of course never made linguistic blunders as I was learning to speak. I saved that until many years later. I was in college at the time, doing news on the campus radio station. I remember writing up a brief story based upon a news release we had recieved from a group doing research on pulsars. I read the story over the air, returned to my little writing room and picked up the already ringing phone. I still can remember the words of the caller even though this happened more than a quarter of a century ago. He said, "Those guys who study the stars with telescopes? They're called astronomers not astrologers!" I think I'll go make myself a gin & toxic water now. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Sep 1995 16:55:27 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Ala Carte? A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She coolly writes down his order, walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! Shouting and cursing are heard and the restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customers table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!" Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Sep 1995 20:26:47 -0400 From: Russell Vander Horst Subject: O.J. joke, offensive to O.J. fans, C. Reeve, the handicapped Q: What is the difference between O.J. Simpson and Christopher Reeve??? A: O.J is going to walk ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Sep 1995 23:14:41 -0400 From: Joel Marshall Subject: Junior's education Junior, curious about a word he saw on the bathroom wall asked, "Mom, what's a pussy?" Mom remained calm, showed him a picture of a cat and said, "That's a pussy, son. A pussy is a kitty cat." "What's a bitch, then?" inquired the precocious little tyke. Mom got the dictionary out and said, "See, the dictionary says a bitch is a female dog." Not satisfied, he asked his father what a pussy was. Pops dutifully trotted out a girlie mag from his sock drawer, drew a circle around the genital region and said, "That's a pussy right there, son. And a fine specimen it is, too." "Well, what's a bitch, then?" asked Junior. "That's everything outside the circle". Did you hear the one about the Mexican with two penises? He called the first one "Jose" Do you know what he called the second one? "Hose B" ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Sep 1995 to 6 Sep 1995 **********************************************