Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 16:08:53 CET From: Tim_ZZ_Holliefield_at_CC__RHEIN@admin.ed.umuc.edu Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Oct 1995 to 2 Oct 1995 There are 14 messages totalling 424 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Irish Catholic Humor 2. SEX JOKES (Sexual, gross) 3. Limerick IV 4. Fish (off. to polish) 5. Funny name memo 6. If the Shoe Fits..... 7. in an restaurant 8. Founding Fathers' Political Humor 9. (Tenali Raman) Mastery in painting? 10. Commuter Rush Hour (offense warning on first several lines) 11. Tough Neighborhood 12. Hot dog! 13. Speaking of three kittens... (slightly offensive to cat lovers) 14. Moyl (poss.off. to Jews) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 1 Oct 1995 22:39:30 -0700 From: Tom Welbers Subject: Irish Catholic Humor Father O'Malley was just finishing the funeral of one of his parishioners in an Irish country church, and he asks the congregation if anyone would get up and recall something good in the life of "our dear departed Paddy." Total silence. He asks again, and is again greeted by total silence. A third time he says, "There must be something good to say about our dear Paddy, and we'll not leave this church until it's said." Finally a man in the back row stands up and says, "Well, his brother was the worse of 'em!" ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 09:37:30 CET From: Piotr Plebaniak Subject: SEX JOKES (Sexual, gross) A guy walks into a drug store and asks the girl behind the register, "Do you keep stationery?" She answers, "Right up until the last minute, and then my toes curl up, and I turn into an animal." There once was a man stranded on this desserted island, all he had with him was a sheep and a dog. Every time he would fuck the sheep, the dog would go crazy and bite him. One day while sitting on the shore, he sees a raft out in the ocean. He swims out only to find a famished, "been at sea" for days, woman. He takes her back to the island and nurses her back to health. She turnes out to be a beautiful 20 year old woman. She says to him one day "I owe you my life, you saved me, I'll do anything for you!" He replies "anything?", she says "Yes, anything!" He says "Hold the dog!!!" A modest young lady was at her first appointment at the gynecologist. As he was proper he had a nurse in attendance as he examined the modest young lady. After a brief moment he said, "My young lady what a large vagina you have! My young lady what a large vagina you have!" The modest young lady, mortified, said, "Doctor you did not have to say it twice!!! His reply, "I didn't! I didn't!" A sailor is talking about the last time he was on leave... "So it was the first fuckin' leave in six fuckin' months. I dropped off my fuckin' uniform at the fuckin' Y, went to a fuckin' bar, and picked up a fuckin' broad. I took her to a fuckin' hotel, laid her out on the fuckin' bed, and had sexual intercourse." A man is walking by a church one Sunday, and happens by a cute 6 year old girl sitting on the sidewalk, dressed up very nicely, playing with her dog. The man asks, "what is your name little girl?" "Candy," says the little girl. "They call me that because I like candy so much. And this is my dog Porky." "They call him that because he likes pork so much?" the man wonders. "No," she says. "They call him Porky because he likes to fuck pigs." A sailor in New orleans has only a dollar to have a good time with. He spends half on a pack of cigarettes and a beer and offers the remaining 50 cents to a tough whore. She accepts. She takes him to her untidy place and immediately bends over and throws up her dress, presenting her anus to him. "Come on, turn around," the sailor says angrily. "I don't want to butt-fuck." "But you do want to open that bottle, don't you?" says the whore. Another time this fellow walks into his favorite cathouse and sets up a deal with the Madam. "I want something different but not Hurricane Gussy and it took me ten trips to the clinic to get over Sandpaper Sally. What have you got thats different!!" "Well," the Madam replies, "How about One eyed Wanda." He says "Fine as long as I don't get pissed on or catch something." He goes up to the room and a bit later a really stacked honey comes in. He promptly starts diving in and she says "Wait a minute honey, with me it doesn't got there." She then proceeds to remove a glass eye and says, "Give it to me there." He proceeds and when he was leaving he says to the girl "Dear that was one of the best screws I've had in years. I'll be back soon!!" She replies "Great!! I'll keep an eye out for you!" A woman went to a podiatrist with a complaint that her feet always hurt. He immediately noticed that she was exteamly bowlegged. He asked her if she had always been that way. No she said, not until recently. I've been fucking a lot doggie style. Well he said, you are going to have to stop. I can't she replied, that's the only way my german shepherd fucks. A young priest, who is still unsure of the penances to dole out during confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker. "Oh," says the older priest, "give him a dollar or so, if you feel like it. Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents." I fucked her laying I fucked her standing If she had wings I should fuck her flying Now she's dead but not forgotten I dragged her up and fucked her rotten ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 07:05:12 -0400 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Limerick IV There once was a wonderful wizard who got a fierce pain in his gizzard so he drank wind and snow at fifty below and farted a forty day blizzard. Conrad Aiken ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 13:10:02 +0200 From: Altar Ariel Subject: Fish (off. to polish) There was once a polish guy who had a jewish neighbour. He went to visit him and wanted to know why the jews are so smart. - We eat a lot of fish said the jew. - Can I have some? - It's gonna cost you $100 a piece. - If that's gonna make me smarter, I'm willing to try, said the polish. He ate a piece of it and then said the jew: You know, this is quite a lot of money for a simple piece of fish. I really don't believe I should have paid such a sum. - You see, it already works... -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ariel Altar e-mail: ALTARA@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL phone: 972-4-294394 Hey, what's love got to do with it? (T.T.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 07:49:03 EDT From: Bill Subject: Funny name memo Note: I normally don't post humor for others, but this nameless person asked for my assistance. Here is the article: For various reasons I have decided not to post to the humour list, but this was part of a REAL email just sent around a Large Australian Corporation. I made some necessary deletions, and don't want my name used please! You may post it. -------------- From: King, Bob Date: Thursday, 21 September 1995 Subject: Bob cocKING - What's in a name? To All, I have also taken this opportunity to shorten my surname from Cocking to KING. This move to a shorter surname is a family decision taken for both personal and practical reasons. All legal steps were taken earlier this year and members of the family have been using KING as a family name for some months. I have begun the process of modifying the name within (do you have any idea how many places our names appear!) and consequently my Personnell list entry is now recorded as Bob KING( cocking) and Email is also Bob KING. regards Bob King Explanation: For those who speak English as a second language, "cock" is a vulgar term for male genitalia (COCKing). It sometimes seems that every common word in English cames to have some sexual meaning. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 09:53:48 -0400 From: Adina Sobo Subject: If the Shoe Fits..... "If the Shoe Fits is a monthly column of satire and commentary. As such, it is bound to offend someone, and also contains mild references to bodily functions. It is written by R.B. Trary & published in the "Mensan," a monthly newsletter published by the San Diego chapter of American Mensa Ltd. WARNING! [This magazine] contains trace amounts of dihydrogen oxide, a chemical which the state of callifornia has determined to be an asphysiant. Staring Down at the Tiles: In "Scrabble," when your tray is full of vowels and your only play is to move your vowels onto the gameboard, you are refferred to as "inconsonant." Something I've Dreamed of Doing: One afternoon, I's downtown in San Diego's Gaslight District. A homeless person accosts me with the inevitable, "Spare change? Got any spare change?" So, I reach into my pack, pull out an extra diaper, and hand it to him. Ewe Heard it Here: Congresswoman Pattricia Michelle Schroeder goes by her initials: PMS. Hot Stuff: After the infamous boiling coffee incident at McDonald's, drive-up windows have been appropriately retrofitted with two driveways. One is labled "AUTO LANE" while the other is labeled "AUTOCLAVE." Religious Sects Revisited: Vera Godfrey is a Mannonite. As High Priestess, she believes that men cannot enter the "Womb of the Divine" except through the "Portal of Intercourse." Unfortunately, the Van Nuys Police Department disagrees, and recently arrested her for prostitution. Out on bail, Vera offered the judge, the police chief, and the arresting officers the opportunity to atone for their wickedness. Each recieved a Missionary Card entitling him to donation-not-required religious services. - - - Interested in Mensa? Check out http://www.mensa.org/~mensa/ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 09:27:15 -0500 From: James Thorson Subject: in an restaurant I complained to the waiter when I saw his thumb in the soup he was serving me. He said it was infected and he liked to keep it warm. I told him he could stick it up his ass; he said that's where he kept it when he was back in the kitchen. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 11:18:49 -0400 From: Curtis White Subject: Founding Fathers' Political Humor The post about Ben Frankiln reminded me of this one about John Adams: When John Adams became the second President of the United States in 1797, the stout Chief Executive, having been an advocate of requiring that those addressing the American President use some exalted title such as "Your Excellency" or "Your Emminence," received a bit of early American political commentary from his opponents when some of them began referring to him, behind his back, as "His Rotundity." - Curtis White, WHITE@CSTCC.CC.TN.US ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 08:47:00 PDT From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri" Subject: (Tenali Raman) Mastery in painting? Tenali Raman was a courtier in the courts of Maharaja of Vijayanagar. This was a few centuries ago, by the way. He is reputed to have been very wise and humorous to boot! The king held a painting competition. Various great artists from all over the kingdom, some from outside the kingdom too, sent in their entries. There was a big exhibition where all the paintings were displayed. Some real masterpieces were present. Tenali Raman decided, on a whim, that he would participate. His entry was sitting in a corner, veiled, so that the king would be the first to see it! The big day arrived and the king came to the exhibition. He admired each painting. Some of the artists received on-the-spot rewards of gold chains! Finally he came to Tenali Raman's exhibit. Upon being unveiled, everyone craned their necks forward to get a glimpse. All they could see was a pair of horsey looking legs with the genitilia dangling between. The back side was liberally covered with what seemed to be horse-dung. The king was a little amused and asked, "What on earth is this"? Tenali Raman replied, "A horse, Your Highness". The king was thoroughly amused and asked, "Where is the rest of it, Tenali"? Tenali Raman replied, "Use your imagination, Your Highness"! Tenali Raman also got a reward for the exhibit ... and for having made a serious occasion a little more bearable! (The humor in this may seem a bit lost on all of us ... I am only quoting this story from a book 'Ribald Stories' by (?) that I read years ago in India) heh, heh, heh ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 11:49:13 -0400 From: Razmus the Innocent Subject: Commuter Rush Hour (offense warning on first several lines) [WARNING]: Possibly offensive to taxi cab drivers, people who drive slow, and anyone who gets in front of me when I'm trying to drive home. The following groups are singled out: the elderly, people of ethnic background, women, white males, taxi cab drivers, and of course those special individuals who just should not be allowed on the road during rush hour. [SETUP]: I drive a commuter van fifty miles through Washington DC rush hour traffic every day after work. For anyone who has not encountered the joys of rush hour traffic in DC, its more painful than a root canal, but not quite as painful as Boston, MA rush hour. Friday, as I was driving home, I realized that there is something I can do to remove some of the traffic from the roadway. I'm certain that this idea will work throughout most American cities. [JOKE (sometimes it helps to label these things)]: When you get home tonight, please call or write your cable TV company and beg them to carry the "RUSH HOUR CHANNEL". This new channel would only broadcast construction and accidents so that the people who keep getting in front of me to slow down to look at the accidents and construction can safely participate in their favorite activity in the safety of thier own livingroom, while those of us interested in reaching our living rooms can do so. Programming might include: - "BIG YELLOW CONSTRUCTION VEHICLES: Watch as bulldozers and steam rollers flatten Yugos and Escorts that don't quite get out of the way." - "FLASHING YELLOW LIGHTS: Learn the real meaning of flashing yellow lights, and why its a bad idea to stop." - "TRAFFIC MYTHS REVEALED: An entire series devoted to uncovering the truth of common traffic myths. Find out if elderly people drive slower than everyone else, whether orientals or women drive worse, determine the truth behind the theory that white males will not stop to ask for directions. The season opener will probe the question of whether 90% of taxi cab drivers obtained thier driving liscense as breakfast cereal prizes." - "HORN SYMPHONY: composed just for those drivers who obviously don't hear enough horns driving normally." - [My favorite] "TICKET EXPRESS: Observe drivers attempt to turn left from the far right lane and get traffic fines valued greater than their vehicles. The first three seasons will concentrate on the playful antics of Taxi drivers." - and of course, "ACCIDENTS, BLOODSHED, AND FLAMING BALLS OF DEATH: RHC camerapersons have worked overtime capturing the bloodiest, ugliest, vilest accidents on American roadways, and present them for your dinnertime enjoyment. Watch for friends and relatives, or just to satisfy some sort of perverse, sick fascination. Watch the cascade effect as one driver who doesn't get RHC slows down, causing an accident which leads to traffic snarls which ruins everyones evenings." All this and more, this season on the Rush Hour Channel! -- Razmus d'Obscurite [AKA: the Innocent] AKA: Rich Weissler [azrael@access.digex.com] Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -- Groucho Marx ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 15:03:20 -0400 From: Robert Thomas Subject: Tough Neighborhood The neighborhood I grew up in was so tough, I was whipped so often I thought I was a dog team. In this neighborhood, the most common form of transportation was the stretcher. You could walk five blocks in any direction and never leave the scene of a crime. Even the Pit Bulls don't go out at night. You have to be pretty brave just to be a coward. You don't have to worry about crime in the streets....they make house calls. We didn't have the Salvation Army....Salvation Marines. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 16:59:34 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Hot dog! A customer is sitting at the counter in a diner and is astonished to see the cook place a hamburger patty in each of her armpits while she scrapes off the grill. When he complains about her doing that, she comments, "I do that because it helps thaw out the patty." Upon hearing that, a customer at the end of the counter calls out, "Cancel my order for a hot dog!" Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 15:10:45 -0700 From: Roger Taranto Subject: Speaking of three kittens... (slightly offensive to cat lovers) (This joke tends to be better spoken.) This guy had three kittens who liked to play in the guy's pond in his front yard. One day, they all fell in and started drowning. Luckily, the guy was outside and was able to save them. He told them that they better be careful because he might not be there to save them. Sure enough, the next day, they were out playing in the pond and fell in. Some guy down the street saw them and rushed to try to save them, but was too late. So, he went to the door, and when the owner answered, the guy said, "Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinque." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 11:09:55 +0900 From: Maurizio MORABITO Subject: Moyl (poss.off. to Jews) ------------------------------------- An Englishman in New York stopped at a window in the middle of which stood one lone clock. The Englishman went inside. - He-llo! - he sang out. From behind a curtain stepped a bearded man in a skullcap. - Would you please inspect this watch? - The Englishman worked at the strap. - Tell me whether it needs... - - Why are you asking me? - asked the bearded one. - Aren't you a jeweler? - - No. I'm a moyl. - - A what? - - A moyl. I make circumcisions. - - Good Lord! - exclaimed the Englishman. - But why do you have a clock in your window?! - - Mister, - sighed the moyl, - what would *you* put in the window? - -- ciao maurizio ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Oct 1995 to 2 Oct 1995 **********************************************