Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 16:09:34 CET From: Tim_ZZ_Holliefield_at_CC__RHEIN@admin.ed.umuc.edu Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Oct 1995 to 3 Oct 1995 There are 17 messages totalling 667 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. 3 things (poss off to Jews and Catholics) 2. Sex Jokes (gross) Last part 3. Salmon Rushdie 4. joining a church 5. Kitty Training 6. (Tenali Raman) Life's greatest pleasure 7. Stupid mercedes-driving realtors (off. to the two, of course) 8. humore re:gullible 9. A handy guy 10. YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK IF.... 11. Two Polish Ladies. (Not too bad). 12. Trial of the Century?! 13. Socialization of the Sexes Part I 14. Life 9.9 15. When O.J. smells like roses... 16. Sexual joke, offensive language 17. Dr. Suess & OJ ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 13:25:58 +0900 From: Maurizio MORABITO Subject: 3 things (poss off to Jews and Catholics) There was a 28 year old son living still at home in this Jewish family-- he was very attached to his mother and vice versa. The father was fed up. The mother went to the Rbbi and asked what she should do? What will become of my son? The Rabbi said: "Leave out three things on the table tonight and when he comes home, see what he takes. Leave a Ted dollar bill, a Bible and a bottle of Scotch. She did so and the next day she called the Rabbi and said, he took all three. Whatever will become of him? To which the Rabbi replied: Oh my! He'll become a Catholic priest! === ciao maurizio ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 08:27:46 CET From: Piotr Plebaniak Subject: Sex Jokes (gross) Last part A man is having excruciating pains in his groin, accompanied by intense headaches, so he goes to doctor. The physician gives him a thorough going over and announces that he has an excessive pressure in his crotch, and that the headaches will continue until and unless he has his balls removed. Only after the most incredible case of migraine headaches and blue balls does he consent to the operation. He gets castrated. Because of the operation, he felt very depressed. The pressure was gone, and there was no pain, but still, he sat by the window and stared into empty space. His wife wandered over and told him "Honey, I know how you must feel. Whenever I feel depressed, I go downtown and buy some new clothes. That always makes me feel much better." He takes her advice. He goes to the most expensive haberdasher in town and orders a fancy suit. The tailor tells the man, "Well, I can tell that you wear a size 15-and-a-half shirt." The man is amazed. "That's exactly right," he says. "And a size 10-B shoe." "Yes!" exclaims the man, "you are right again." "And you wear a size 10 hat, 34 inch pants length, and a 36 inch waist on your underwear," says the tailor. "That's perfectly right, except my underwear has a 34 inch waist." "Oh, no," says the tailor, "I know my business. You wear a 36. If you wore tight er underwear, you'd get pressure built up in your groin, and then you'd get terribl e headaches." A guy walks into the doctor's office and tells the doctor that his elbow hurts. The doctor tells him to go into the bathroom and catch a sample of urine as he just bought a new computer that can analyze the sample and tell him everything that is wrong with the man. The man tells the doctor that he has just pissed and doesn't have any left, so the doctor tells him to take the bottle home and bring it back later. As the man drives home, he gets a brainstorm. Once home he tells his wife to pee into the bottle and then tells his daughter to do the same. Later, while walking the dog, he catches some of the dogs piss also. Just before taking the sample back to the doctor, he beats off into the bottle. The doctor runs the sample through the computer and returns to tell the man that he has some major problems. The man says 'but just my elbow hurts!'. The doctor says 'well, that's just tennis elbow.' But the other problems are bad. First, your wife has vd, second, your daughter is pregnant and third, your dog has distemper.' Wow, the man exclaims, but what about my elbow? the doctor retorted: Quit beating off and your tennis elbow will heal!!! Q - What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato? A - A dicktator Q - What is the defination of a born loser? A - A guy who falls into a sea of tits and comes up sucking his thumb. Q - Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? A - Because it heard that the referee was blowing fouls. A guy walks into a bar with an octopus on his shoulder. The bartender says .you can't bring that in here. The guy says why not, he's a pet plus I'll bet you a drink he can play any instrument in here. Bartender says ok here's a trombone, I'll bet a drink he can't play it. The octopus picks it up and starts playing a tune. Bartender is a little upset and pulls out a clarinet and says, I bet another drink he can't play this. Guy says ok. the octopus picks up the clarinet and starts playing away on it. By now the bartender is really upset. He's had to give the guy 2 free drinks already. Then he remembers he has an old set of bag-pipes in the back. He tells the guy, I'll bet you one more drink he can't play something else I have and throws out the bag-pipes. The octopus takes one look at it and jumps on it and starts trying to screw it. The bartender laughs and says, I guess I win. The guy says, just give him a minute. as soon as he realizes he can't screw it........he'll play it......... ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 09:15:10 +0100 From: Mark Mostert Subject: Salmon Rushdie Another one I found on the net: From: dstewart@tratnet.com (David Stewart) Q: Have you heard of Salomon Rushdie's new book? A: It's called "Buddha, You Fat Fuck" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 17:33:20 +0900 From: Mike McMurray Subject: joining a church A young, newlywed couple moved to a small midwestern town. Wanting to fit in right away, they applied for membership in the town's largest church. The minister of the church brought them to his office for an interview. "We're pleased to have you apply to our church," said the minister, "but you must understand that we are a very strict congregration and in order to join you must prove your faith by abstaining from any kind of sex for a whole month. Do you think you can do that?" the minister asked, looking at both of them in turn. The couple both nodded their agreement so the minister asked that they meet with him weekly to report on their progress. "Well, how are you doing?" asked the minister the following week. "Not too bad,' said the man. " I was tempted a few times but I was able to call on my faith and resist." "Very good," said the minister. "See you next week." When next they met, the minister again asked about their status. The young man, showing a slight twitch, confessed that the temptation was greater and he was having more difficulty controlling it but had thus far succeeded. The next week the young man, now pale and tense, told the minister that the temptation was not mighty and almost beyond control. The minister tried to encourage him as best he could, urging him to abstain for one more week. The last meeting finally arrived. "Well," said the minister, "did you succeed?" The young man squirmed in his seat and replied, "Last Tuesday my wife had on her shortest skirt and she bent down in front of me to pick up something and I just couldn't control myself any longer. I tore off her clothes and we had wild sex right there on the floor!" "Oh, dear," said the minister, "I'm afraid we won't be able to let you into our church." "That's OK," said the young man, "they probably won't let us back into Sears either." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 06:55:44 -0400 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Kitty Training A cat and her four kittens came face to face with a large collie. While the kittens cowered, the cat let out a series of loud barks, scaring the dog away. Turning to her kittens, the cat said, "You see how important it is to be bilinguel?" From: Random House Book of Jokes. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 05:08:00 PDT From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri" Subject: (Tenali Raman) Life's greatest pleasure Tenali Raman was a courtier in the courts of Maharaja of Vijayanagar. This was a few centuries ago, by the way. He is reputed to have been very wise and humorous to boot! One day the king asked everyone in the court to define life's greatest pleasure. The courtiers lined up, sycophants that they were, to extoll the virtues of living inhis kingdom etc. After a while the king was bored. He refined the requirement and said that they had to define the pleasure that he would think is the greatest in life! The sycophants had to demur for some time. Then came the pleasures, eating the best foods, living in the palace, being with his wife (although the king amusedly asked the courtier how he knew), being with the concubines, making love, etc. etc. etc.. Throughout all of this Tenali Raman was quiet. After everyone had had his say, the king asked Tenali Raman what he thought was the king's greatest pleasure. He replied, "To answer you, Your Highness, you will have to agree to sit on your throne until I allow you to leave". The king, puzzled but intrigued, agreed. The day turned into evening. Some of the earlier defined pleasures became realities. Fine food, drinks, dancers, music, everything was going on around in full swing. The king was getting restless. He was about to get up, when Tenali Raman said, "I have not finished yet, Your Highness. Please remain seated". More activities followed. The evening turned to night. The concubines came out. The restless king was no longer able to derive any pleasure! All the previous gastronomic pleasures were taking their toll on him. He pleaded with Tenali Raman to let him go. Tenali Raman said, "What you are asking for is to answer the call of nature. That, Your Highness, is the greatest pleasure of all. Do you not agree Your Highness"? The king had no choice but to agree wholeheartedly! heh, heh, heh ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 09:47:45 EDT From: Bo Peng Subject: Stupid mercedes-driving realtors (off. to the two, of course) This is a true story that happened to me only a couple weeks ago. A realtor took me to look at an apartment. She's a very nice lady, and drove a mercedes, and new on the job. She couldn't open the lockbox and we had to stop by a small shopping plaza for her to call for help, an area where she told me she hadn't been to. I asked her if she's sure about keeping the windows down. She said:"It's OK. This area is pretty safe. I'll lock the doors, though." Bo ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 10:12:36 EST From: JOHN STONE Subject: humore re:gullible The submission about 'GULLIBLE' appeared a day or so after I received the latest issue of 'NETSURFER DIGEST' in which the editor had a little fun. I wrote her saying I had that trick played on me around 1958 but I was sure someone would fall for it. She doubted it until...... ------- Forwarded Message Follows ------- To: Jstone From: SL Nyveen Subject: gullible I thought you might appreciate this. I don't know if he's serious or not. >Date: Sun, 01 Oct 95 18:09:12 -0700 >From: "I.M. Naive"....... (name changed cause basically I'm a nice guy) >Organization: XXXXXXXXXX >Mime-Version: 1.0 >To: editor@netsurf.com >Subject: gullible > >In Netsurfer 01.31, in an entry on Internet Relay Chat, you >said that "gullible" wasn't in any dictionary, and challenged >us to look it up. I found this incredible, so I did. > >The first dictionary I grabbed was the Concise Oxford >Dictionary, mostly because it is kept at a convenient height >and doesn't weigh too much. Both the verb "gull" and "gullible" >were listed, no problem. > >So I grabbed Websters Ninth New Collegiate, which I trust less >but was also convenient, and found gullible in there. > >OK, I thought, maybe it's just too new for Netsurf's >dictionaries, so I grabbed Websters Collegiate Dictionary, >Fifth Edition (1936) and found it in there as well. > >Now, I've got at least another half dozen English dictionaries >here, but they're mostly monsters that I need to bend over to >reach. Is there any point to this exercise? > >I.M. Naive > > Laurie Nyveen lawrence@msm.com ___________________________________________________________________ Editor, Netsurfer Digest - http://www.netsurf.com/nsd/index.html DNRC Minister of Adding "ue" to Words That End in "log" "All we are, basically, are monkeys with car keys." - Grandma Woody (Northern Exposure) ---------------------------------------------------------------- I wonder how many HUMOR readers did the same thing? The mere thought makes me chuckle. Good job Ms. Nyveen. Later, JS ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 12:05:36 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: A handy guy Pedro is sitting on the curb when he sees Pancho strolling down the middle of the street with his hands cupped together. When Pedro asks what he has in his hands, Pancho says he has a butterfly and is on his way to get a pound of butter. Pedro shakes his head in disbelief and is amazed when Pancho soon returns with a pound of butter. The next day, the same scenario repeats itself and when Pedro asks what Pancho has in his cupped hands, Pancho indicates he has a horsefly and is going to get a horse. Pedro laughs out loud at this and thinks Pancho is in the Yellow Pages under "Dumb". However, in a few minutes Pedro hears the sound of a horse's hoofs and is startled to see Pancho riding by on a beautiful stallion. The following day Pancho again shows up with cupped hands and indicates he has a pussy willow. Pedro jumps up and shouts, "Wait a minute! I'm going with you!!!" Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 12:52:00 EDT From: "Lynn, Jon" Subject: YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK IF.... Compiled from Jeff Foxworthy: Part 1 of 2: Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off. You've ever used lard in bed. You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre. There is a stuffed possum mounted any where in your home. You consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State trooper to "kiss my ass". The primary color of your car is "Bondo". Directions to your house include: "turn off the paved road". You honestly believe women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures. Your family tree does not fork. Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. You've ever hollered: "Rock the house Bubba" during a piano recital. Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event. You've ever barbecued SPAM on the grill. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey and the Bandit was snubbed for best motion picture. The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones. You prominently display a gift in your house that you bought at Graceland. You consider Outdoor Life deep reading. Your mother keeps a spit-cup on the ironing board. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. The most common phrase you hear at a family reunion is: "What are you looking at, shithead?" You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. You think Campho-phenique is a miracle drug. You have more than two brothers named Bubba and Junior. You father encourages you to quit school when Larry announces an opening on the lube rack. You think Volvo is a part of the female anatomy. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. -- Jokes from the JON ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 10:13:00 - From: "Howard, Dan" Subject: Two Polish Ladies. (Not too bad). So there's these two Polish ladies who had always heard that America is the land of dreams, so they scrimped and saved for years to get enough money to come over. All their friends told them, "Don't go to America, they eat dogs over there!" or "I wouldn't go to a country where they eat dogs!!!" They heard this from everyone year after year. Well, they finally save enough money and braved the Atlantic on a ship and landed in New York City. After they'd seen all the sights, one lady asked the other, "Well, we've done it all, are you ready to go see what a dog tastes like?" It took a while, but the other lady finally gave in. So, they go to a hot dog vendor on the street and order two dogs. Upon receipt of them, one lady opens the bun and looks at it and asks the other, "What part of the dog did you get?" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 11:22:21 -0800 From: "DNA: The splice of life" Subject: Trial of the Century?! Oh yes, The trial of the Century has come to a close and in an effort to jump on the soon to be flood of jokes that will arise from the verdict, allow me to grace your screens with a completely original (yet, not really) piece of humor. A group of alchemists were dabbling around in their laboratory one day, mixing and matching various substances to try and turn lead into gold (as alchemists are wont to do). One of the alchemists mixed the hair of a white supremicist, three drops of tainted blood, a glove found in the dead of night, all under the light of a questionable motive. Can you guess what he came up with? Pulpfree OJ! ciao fer now Mike ___________________________________________________________________ | Michael Smith : masmith@cariboo.bc.ca | Ph: (604) 371-5518 | | University College of the Cariboo | | | Psychology Dept | Fax:(604) 371-5697 | |_____________________________________________|____________________| ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 15:34:02 -0400 From: Robert Thomas Subject: Socialization of the Sexes Part I Men and women will never get along in our culture because of socialization, the way one sex is brought up as opposed to the way the other sex is raised (no pun intended). For example, women are taught from an early age that it is lewd, rude, crude, and socially unacceptable to pass gas in front of another human being.....until they get married. That's why a lot of women want to get married real bad. They have a gas ball eating up their left leg. When you do get married, the woman will break you in slowly to the fact that she does in fact "break wind". On your wedding night, lying together in the after-glow of love, she might let out a couple of S.B.D.'s (silent, but deadly} As the first pungent scent reaches your nose, you may turn to her and ask,"Did we buy a cat?" She may chuckle a little, causing the familiar audible S.S.B.'s (short, sticaddo bursts), causing you to ask "Is there someone at the door?" By this time, she will be laughing losing all control, and the booming of released gas will billow the bed covers, rock the bed, and cause your next-door neighbors to call the police. But you love her anyway. Then on your Honeymoon, let's say Acapulco, she's on the beach and has lost all her inhibitions. She's blowing gas so hard and fast, she's moving sand dunes. Cliff divers are talking to each other; "Are you diving today, Juan?" "No, too much wind on the beach." But you love her. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 12:54:56 -0700 From: Henry Cate Subject: Life 9.9 Date: 25 Jan 93 17:49:23 PST (Monday) Subject: Life 9.9 ------------------------------------------------------------ Selections from Keith Bostic's mailing list (bostic@vangogh.cs.berkeley.edu) ----------------------------- From cgtransition@rock.little.ar.us Thu Nov 12 09:12:46 1992 Return-Path: Received: from rock.little.ar.us by cs.gmu.edu (4.1/SMI-4.1) id AA17763; Thu, 12 Nov 92 09:13:37 EST Date: Thu, 12 Nov 92 09:15:10 EST Subject: TRANSITION NOTES #76 12 Nov 92 CONFIDENTIAL -- For team eyes only We have completed discussions with our prime candidate for Director of the FBI and will make the name public shortly. Al asked him explicitly about his technology concerns and how the new admin can help. [Director] said he was concerned about the so-called digital telephony proposal which, he says, must be passed if the FBI is to continue the same level of service to the American people. Al said he could help out in Congress. [Director] said that is not enough. Currently there is one FBI agent for every 12,200 Americans, which means that most phone calls cannot be monitored even if FBI wanted to. He proposed hiring 100,000,000 new agents so that one can be assigned full time to listen to each American telephone line. He suggested this could be the massive jobs program that Bill has been looking for -- it would virtually eliminate unemployment in the country and go well beyond his promise to the American people. He said that Bill could be known as the most listening president the country has ever known. Al said the idea was intriguing and he would discuss it with Bill. W.C. ----------------------------- From: sybase!hildo@sun.com (Dave Hildebrandt) When attempting to explain various operating systems, I came up with the following metaphors into the Trek universe. Explanations are given before the connection. Everything thought out to the nth degree. Steeped in arcane ritual. + BSD Unix, and the Vulcans Does things the traditional, uncivilized way. + System V Unix, and the Klingon Empire A combination of the above. An unstable mixture at best. + Sys V Rel 4, and the Federation As powerful but strange. Very restrictive. Requires a different mindset and a lot of formalism. + VMS, and the Romulans Small, wily, mostly for profit. Lots of small independent operators who occasionally gang up. + DOS, and the Ferengi The following two non-operating system metaphors also come to mind. Your mind has already been assimilated. + Usenet, and the Borg Judges you by the standards of three centuries ago. Occasionally makes it hard to get work done. + George Bush, and Q ------------------------------------------------------------ 1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use as long as the signature file below is included The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by the individual contributors who should be contacted if you wish to forward their entry. -- Henry Cate III To learn how to get a MS Windows 3.1 Application with 15,000 jokes from the Life Humor collection, send E-Mail to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject. Or check out http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 20:16:07 -0400 From: Jennifer Schmidt Subject: When O.J. smells like roses... Someone asked: "How 'bout that..."not guilty." Can you believe it? How long til he's dead? Any bets?" And a friend responded: No way - He's making a profit on this one. Just think of the endorsements! TIDE DETERGENT - "I took this blood-soaked shirt and washed it in TIDE. And they couldn't get any evidence from it!!" ISOTONER GLOVES - "These gloves fit SO well that one would never fall off at the scene of the crime. Plus, I soaked them in blood, washed them, and look - Two months later my hands slip in comfortably. No shrinkage on THESE babies." GINSU KNIVES - "This knife will slice through flesh and still cut your tomatoes like butter" (Alternatively - "This knife will cut through a tin can and still slice the throat of your bitch ex-wife and her pretty-boy lover like butter"). FORD BRONCOS - need I say more? Plus the book he'll write, and the appearances on talk shows, news shows, cop shows, and so on. He spent 8 million on the defense, and he stands to make about five times that from the fallout. Not a bad way to make a profit, I'd say. Way to get away with murder O.J. You go boy. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 01:23:01 +0000 From: Vito T Dressel Subject: Sexual joke, offensive language Vulgar, offensive, sexual content There was this young couple who, upon their marriage, decided to spend their honeymoon in a quaint old hotel in San Francisco. Upon their arrival, they were promptly taken to the Honeymoon Suite in honor of the special occasion. Everything in the room was exquisite. Lovely antique furniture, a huge bed with a canopy, in short-the works! The new bride was going about the room looking at all the objets de art, when she came to the window which had a heavy brocaded curtain drawn shut. Thinking to let some natural light into the room, she pulled it open to discover that their room was directly across a breezeway from another room. The other room's curtains were wide open and she was treated to the spectacle of three men together on the bed, doing what is locally known as a "San Francisco sandwich". They were stacked like pancakes and each was butt fucking the guy below him. She was shocked and called her new husband over to see the disgusting sight. Her husband was equally incensed and called the manager up to complain. "What's the matter?", asked the manager worriedly, "Is everything all right?" The man replied, "I can't really adequately describe this. You're going to have to come up here and see this for yourself!" In a minute or two the anxious manager was there in the room inquiring as to how he could be of assistance. The husband said, "Come over here to the window and see what you think of this." The manager went over to the window and stared for a minute at the tableau before him. If anything the three men in the next room were even going at it harder than before. After a moment of this the manager turned away shaking his head, "That lucky Ralph. He ALWAYS gets to be in the middle!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 21:54:00 +0000 From: "Amy L. Ward" Subject: Dr. Suess & OJ After months of silence, OJ finally spoke at the trial. His words to Judge Ito were... "I did not, could not and would not have committed this crime. Seems with a little help from Dr. Suess and a bit more time, he and Judge Ito could have extended this statement: ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Ito's statemets in ALL CAPS... OJ's in lower case. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- DID YOU DO THIS AWFUL CRIME? DID YOU DO IT ANYTIME? I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. DID YOU TAKE THIS PERSON'S LIFE? DID YOU DO IT WITH A KNIFE? I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime I could not, would not, anytime. DID YOU LEAVE A POOL A BLOOD? DID YOU DROP THIS BLOODY GLOVE? I did not leave a pool of blood. I can not even wear that glove. I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime I could not, would not, anytime. -- Amy L. Ward Customer Service Engineer American Computer Solutions othello@iac.net http://www.iac.net/~othello ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Oct 1995 to 3 Oct 1995 **********************************************