Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 16:09:33 CET From: Tim_ZZ_Holliefield_at_CC__RHEIN@admin.ed.umuc.edu Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Oct 1995 to 4 Oct 1995 There are 21 messages totalling 797 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. More Assorted Jokes & Humor 2. Gay Bar 3. Limerick V 4. YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK IF...part 2 . 5. An alternative medical dictionary (source unknown) 6. O.J. (again?) 7. Yet another OJ joke 8. OJ joke 9. OJ=Disney World 10. Yet ANOTHER OJ joke (could be the worst yet) 11. Ted Kennedy Poem. (off to you know who). 12. OJ Jokes 13. SLUGGO Press Release 14. Play it again, Spam 15. Jesus and Elvis 16. Socialization Part II 17. More OJ / Dr. Seuss (off to OJ, AC) 18. OJ Joke (offensive to Furman, OJ) 19. Dancing in the dark 20. Ways to get yourself in a good mood at work 21. if OS were beers ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 19:43:33 -0700 From: Mairabet Subject: More Assorted Jokes & Humor >From "Parables, etc." -- a monthly resource file for pastors, teachers and speakers (October 1995) > Veterinarians have various ways to differentiate brand new litters of puppies from each other. Some puppies look exactly alke, but one veterinarian just recently used the method of wetting the head of each puppy as he completed each one's shots and examination. As the veterinarian reached for the final puppy, the puzzled owner finally blurted out, "I didn't know puppies had to be baptized!" > A cloud is constantly changing. Yet somehow a cloud manages to hold fifty million gallons of water without an organization chart. > Famous sentence rephrased: To err is human; to admit it, superhuman. > Someone has figured out that the peak years of mental activity are their greatest between the ages of four and eighteen. At four, we know all the questions, and at eighteen we know all the answers. > Sample from "Wild in the Streets" (The Boston Driver's Handbook): "The simultaneous use of high beams, horn, and flashers looks and sounds like an emergency. Nothing instills fear into the hearts of drivers quite like the sight of a car barreling toward them with high beams and flashers on, horn blaring, and a madman behind the wheel. They will usually get out of your way as fast as they can. This technique is especially useful for traveling at top speed down the "middle lane" of the Callahan Tunnel when you have only ten minutes to catch a 5:30 p.m. flight out of Logan Airport. > And lastly, a very old pun: A number of Frenchmen are participating in an automobile race in which the autos do not carry numbers on their sides but instead are identified by letters of the alphabet, from "A" to "V" -- 22 cars in all. As the race begins, the "E" auto and the "G" auto are in the lead with the rest of the pack close behind, but one auto (auto "S") is noticeably much slower than the rest, has fallen far behind, and is drawing unfavorable comments from the crowd, references being made to molasses in January, and even snails being faster. But suddenly, the slow auto begins to accelerate rapidly at an incredible rate of speed, passing first the "Q" auto, and then the "J" auto, and then the lead auto. The crowd is so amazed that soon they are all shouting in unison, "Look at that 'S' car go! ... Go! Go! 'S' car go! ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 20:47:49 MDT From: Andrew Wigg Subject: Gay Bar A man walked into a gay bar curious to find out why they prefered other men instead of women (in other words, he wanted to know what made them click). He noticed that there were three homosexuals sitting at the bar, so he proceeded with his plan. He sat next to the first one and asked "If you had a choice, what would you like to be?". After little thought, the homosexual replied "I would like to be a telephone." To which the man replied "A telephone? How so?" the homosexual readily replied "because that way I would be able to hear girls conversations!". Satisfied with the answer, the man moved on to the second homosexual at the bar, and asked the same question "If you had a choice, what would you like to be?" to which the homosexual replied "I would love to be a purse" to which the man questioned "a purse? how so?" the homosexual readily replied "Because that way I would be able to see what girls carry in their purses!" Satisfied with the answer, the man moved on to the last homosexual at the bar and posed the same question "If you had a choice, what would you like to be?" and noticed that the homosexual was considering the question with much thought, and finally replied with much satisfaction in his voice "I would love to be an ambulance!" startled the man questioned "an ambulance? how so?" to which the homosexual replied in an exalted voice "Because that way they would open me from behind, stuff me a stiff one, and while they ride me down the street I'd be screaming --AAaaauuUUUuuaaaAAAaa--" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 07:15:48 -0400 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Limerick V Sent to me from Arin Friedlander--Author unknown. There was a young man named Hall, Who fell in the spring in the fall. 'Twould have been a sad thing If he died in the spring, But he didn't--he died in the fall. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 08:12:00 EDT From: "Lynn, Jon" Subject: YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK IF...part 2 . Compiled from Jeff Foxworthy: (Part 2 of 2) You have a rag for a gas cap. You had a toothpick in your mouth when you had your wedding picture taken. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. You have a "Hefty bag" for a passenger side window on your car. Your house doesn't have any curtains- but your truck does. Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs. You consider your license plate "personalized" because your father made it. After making love, you have to ask your date to roll down the window. You have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnnie Cash over your fireplace. You still have an 8-track tape player in your car or house. Your idea of safe sex doesn't include anyone else. You have ever bar-be-qued hamburgers at the driver-in theater. You liked the velvet picture of Elvis that someone in a van sold you beside the highway better than anything you saw at an art show or museum. You have ever driven down the road with your seat belt hanging out of the door making sparks. You have ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. Someone asks to see your ID, and you show them your belt buckle. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle. Jack Daniels is on your list of most admired people. You see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in the car. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging. You have ever had to scratch your sister or girlfriend's name out of the message "For a good time, call _______." Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card. You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work. Your dad walks to school with you because you're both in the same grade. You view the next family reunion as a great chance to meet a woman. Your wife has a beer gut, and you think it's attractive. You have ever signed a petition to have the national anthem changed to "Free Bird." You call your boss "Dude." You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. You need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at the "House of Tattoos." You look like Willie Nelson after you get your hair cut. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers. You think BMW are the call letters for a radio station. You wear a belt buckle that weighs more than three pounds. You've ever been to a funeral or wedding where there were more pickup trucks than cars. Your all-time favorite movie is "Cannonball Run." You have any relatives named "Elmer" or "Jed." Your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute. You wish your house looked like the one on the beginning of "Beverly Hillbillies" or "Green Acres." Your favorite actors are Gomer Pile, Goober, and Barney Fife. Your pet parrot knows how to whistle the song to "the Andy Griffith Show." -- Jokes from the JON ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 09:22:20 EDT From: Allan McKellar Subject: An alternative medical dictionary (source unknown) Subject: An alternative medical dictionary (source unknown) My wife brought this list home from the health centre last night. artery the study of painting bacteria back door of a cafeteria barium what doctors do when patients die bowel a letter like A, E, I, O, U caesarean section a neighbourhood in Rome cat scan looking for kitty cauterise had eye contact with her coma a punctuation mark D & C where Washington is dilate to live longer enema not a friend fester quicker fibula a small lie impotent distinguished, well known labour pain getting hurt at work medical staff a doctor's cane nitrates cheaper than day rates node was aware of outpatient a person who has fainted pap smear a fatherhood test pelvis a cousin of Elvis recovery room a place to do upholstery rectum nearly killed 'em secretion hiding something seizure Roman emperor tablet a small table terminal illnes a) getting sick at the airport b) getting sick at your VDU tumor more than one urine opposite of "you're out" varicose nearby vein conceited Allan________________________allan_mckellar@uk.ibm.com ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 07:51:42 -0400 From: "Bob Hawkey - Don't worry, Be Happy! ;^>" Subject: O.J. (again?) O.J. is a free man! He has told the media that his plans for the future include starting his own taxi company... Yes, he can get you there with time to kill! I also heard he was moving to Colorado... He heard that there is a catch and release program for cut-throats! (A cut-troat is a trout native to Colorado!) +=======================+=========================================+ " " " " Bob Hawkey / " "Science without religion is lame, " " \ / / " Religion without Science is blind." " " \\\' , / // " - Albert Einstein " " \\\//, _/ //, " " " \_ //' / //, " " " \ /// //` " " " _/ >> \\\` " " " /,)-~>> _\` " KCDHAWK@KODAK.COM " " (/ \\ \\\\\ " " " // // \\\ " Don't worry - be happy! };^> " " (( (( " " "=======================+=========================================+ " Man is a temporary infestation on a minor planet in an " " insignificant system located in an average galaxy " +===============================+=================================+ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 08:46:26 -0500 From: "Richard T. Linton" Subject: Yet another OJ joke Hey, I have to get *some* tacky OJ joke in before it becomes passe! This one isn't *too* bad (I know, they are *all* bad), so here goes: Did you hear that since the verdict, O.J. has asked Judge Ito for his hat and gloves back? :-) Don't worry, these will pass soon (just like kidney stones). ________________________________________________________ Richard Linton The road to wisdom is long and hard HVAC&R Center So take a magazine and a snack UW-Madison (608) 265-3008 http://www.engr.wisc.edu/centers/tsarc/tsarc.html ________________________________________________________ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 08:50:50 -0500 From: DCHRISTI Subject: OJ joke I for one don't think OJ did it at all. I mean, hey, did anyone ask Kato where HE was when the murders took place? He could have planted all evidence, then told Fuhrman..."Hey, look over here, and over there..." Maybe he isn't really blonde... ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 09:37:00 -0400 From: Kevin Hanrahan Subject: OJ=Disney World Now that the OJ "not guilty" verdict is in, I guess we'll be hit with a barrage of OJ "...I'm going to Disney World..." commercials. Who knows, Disney World is in Florida and Orange Juice (OJ) is a product of Florida, he'll make even more money pushing both items at once... ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 10:17:00 -0400 From: Geoff Harper Subject: Yet ANOTHER OJ joke (could be the worst yet) I hear the verdict was a big mistake. The jury foreman mis-interpreted her fellow jurors. When asked how they vote, the jury unanimously declared: "It doesn't fit, and we all quit!" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 08:08:00 - From: "Howard, Dan" Subject: Ted Kennedy Poem. (off to you know who). Got this from my daughter the other day, and thought I'd share it. She's a nut! ---------- Ahem... "Teddy, the red nosed senator, Had a very shiny car. And if you've ever seen it, You were prob'ly near a bar. All of the other Senators, Wondered how he get his dames. They thought he was to drunk, To join in any bedroom games. Then one clouded Christmas Eve, Santa came to say, 'Teddy with your nose so red, 'Won't you help me guide my sled.' That's how the police found him, Wrapped around a maple tree. Teddy, the red nosed Senator, You're a drunken S.O.B.!" :) Told ya' I'd get it for ya'. Love ALWAYS, Julie ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 17:24:45 +0100 From: Mark Mostert Subject: OJ Jokes Originally from: barak@global.california.com What did OJ say to Judge Ito after the verdict? "Can I have my gloves back?" -------- Originally from: Eweiss@slac.stanford.edu (Eric Weiss) Q. What did Judge Ito say to O.J. on the way out of the court room? A. Mr. Simpson you've been acquitted of the charges, you are free to go. Just don't do it again. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 13:00:28 -0400 From: Imre Kertesz III Subject: SLUGGO Press Release DISCLAIMER: SLUGGO Press Release is a parody of daily international news. Every person, government, religion, etc. that makes headlines is a target. I don't discriminate. SLUGGO NEWS can be offensive; there are too many topics to provide individual disclaimers. I welcome any suggestions, input, criticism, or even ideas for new material. ____________________________________________________________ SLUGGO NEWS - By The Newsguy - 39th edition H I G H L I G H T S 1. (BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA) Sarajevans got a bleak reminder of war's worst days Wednesday when a VW Superbeetle slammed into a crowded city street, wounding seven people. An Italian journalist, Maurizio Cucci, later was slightly wounded after a VW tailpipe was successfully extracted from his rectum. The airport remained closed for a fifth day after 10 stainless-steel utility sinks hit a U.S. plane flying for the U.N. .With the Bosnian supply lines suffering arms blockage, the armies are resorting to what has been determined " less-than-conventional warfare", using what is on hand rather than conventional ammunition. U.N. sources indicate renewed efforts by Serbian allies to import swords, scaling towers, and catapults to the besieged regions. -SLUG, 12 APR- 2. (U.S.) A new poll, casting First Lady Hillary Clinton into the depths of the popularity chasm, shows more Americans prefer a president who came from the 1960s and hates her than someone of the WWII generation who hates her. The findings of U.S. News & World Report survey bode well for President Clinton, who spent most of the '60s as Georgetown University's sole guinea pig for the effects of narcotics, as well as buddying-up with the KGB Elite in Russia. The poll is bad news for Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole, who at age 71 is the only member of Congress who doesn't think Hillary is a bitch. Thirty-one percent of those polled said they wanted a '60s generation president who thinks Hillary is a bitch, sixteen percent polled favor someone from the war years and thinks Hillary is a bitch, and an overwhelming forty percent favor a candidate who isn't afraid to use the "F" word as an adjective when addressing leaders of opposing nations, and thinks Hillary is a bitch. (FIBS - 12 APR) 3. (RUSSIA) The successor to the dreaded KGB secret police has gained extensive new rights under a law signed by President Boris Yeltsin which is likely to raise fears of a threat to human rights. The law, which Yeltsin signed late on Wednesday, turned the "Federal Counter-Intelligence " Service (FSK) into the "Cut Their Worthless Goddamned Throats If They Don't Sing" Service, which contains the "They'd Better Follow My Fucking Instructions Or We'll Skin Them Alive And Toss Them In A Bag Of Salt, Mother Fucker" Branch. (SYKO - 06 APR) CAPSULES 1. (JAPAN) Japanese high-profile comedian Mai Krou Wang surprisingly beat main-line politicians in the race for Governor of Tokyo. Wang, former star of hit Japanese sit-com "Naughty Granny" showed up for his first day on the job to find thousands of Tokyo citizens lining up in front of his office. The people apparently thought Wang was serious when, during campaign speeches, he jokingly promised to administer oral-gratification to each citizen of Tokyo if he was elected. (DARKMAN PRESS - 12 APR) 2.(RUSSIA/INDIA) Russian nationalist leader Vladimir Zhirinovsky returned from a trip to India on Wednesday, pale faced and gaunt from hunger. In a statement made upon his return, he claimed that although India represents a formidable military power, any country who's four basic food groups consist of grub, monkey, tree, and mucous, should be used as a nuclear testing site. (SLUG - 15 APR) 3. (LOS ANGELES) For the second time in two days, Sen. Alfonse D'Amato issued an apology for deriding Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Lance Ito with a phony and mocking Japanese accent on a radio show. In an unrelated incident, Sen. D'Amato is recovering from injuries sustained when his Sherman Oaks home was reportedly stepped on and completely destroyed by a massive reptilian creature. (FIBS - 17 APR) 4. (ZAIRE) Spirits were high in Zaire's volatile Shaba province on Wednesday after local military authorities shot people at random in anticipation of Easter festivities this weekend, residents said. -GEUTER, 12 APR- 5. (ISRAEL) Israel has proposed to Russia a spy swap which will also include the United States. This deal will involve the return of Jane Fonda to Russia, after her 25 years of intelligence gathering under the unconvincing facade of an actress. -FIBS, 13 APR- 6. (USA) Federal and military employees as well as government contractors with access to classified information would have to provide photographs of their genitals to government investigators under new regulations reportedly being prepared by the Clinton administration. -PU, 11 APR- ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 10:01:34 PDT From: Mark Huth Subject: Play it again, Spam The Oregonian newspaper today printed information about the new Spam Haiku Archive on the WWW, which contains more than 1,000 verses dealing with the beloved substance. For those interested, you'll find it at: http://www.naic.edu/~jcho/spam/sha.html Some servings of Spam: O.J.'s innocent. Spam is made from the finest pork. Which would you believe? -Chris Fishel Made a Spam puppet To entertain my doggie. Need a new hand now. -Tom Elliot Supermarket aisle. I saw her reach for a Spam. I turned, walked away. -John Cho Turning the Death key Unlocking the pink horror I die with each tin. -Joey Berner Hannibal Lecter Eats livers, but no pig snouts. Silence of the Spams. -Chris Fishel Wedding catered by Hormel. Reception marred by Sudden illnesses. -John Cho What is more awful Than the sound of squishing Spam? A Kenny G tune. -Screamin' Phil Erickson Split the Spam atom Enormous pink mushroom cloud World covered in pork. -Tom Elliot Mysteries of life: Aliens and pyramids, Stonehenge, Great Wall, Spam. -Dawn M. Martin Hormel accused of Using fake pork. New York Post's Headline: SHAM SPAM SCAM. -Chris Fishel ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 14:51:02 EDT From: Brian McInturff Subject: Jesus and Elvis I thought this was the best version I've seen lately: JESUS vs ELVIS The similarities between Jesus Christ and Elvis Presley are almost uncanny. Just check the following parallels for yourself! Jesus said "Love the neighbor." Elvis said "Don't be cruel." Jesus is the Lord's shepherd Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd Jesus was part of the Trinity. Elvis' first band was a trio. Jesus walked on water. Elvis surfed (Blue Hawaii, 1965) Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members Jesus was resurrected. Elvis had the famous 1968 "Comeback" TV special and many posthumous mall sightings. Jesus said "If a man thirst, let him come to me, and drink."(Jn 7:37). Elvis said "Drinks on me"(Jail House Rock, 1957). Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights. Elvis also had irregular eating habits(eg, 5 banana split breakfast). Jesus is a Capricorn (Dec 25) Elvis is a Capricorn (Jan 8) Matthew was a biographer of Jesus. Neil Matthews was a biographer of Elvis (A Golden Tribute). "Jesus countenance...like lightning...raiment snow white."(Mt 28:3) Elvis wore snow white jumpsuits with lightning bolts. Jesus lived in a state of grace in a near-eastern land. Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state. Jesus' mother Mary had an immaculate conception. Elvis' wife Priscilla went to Immaculate Conception H.S. People called Jesus a "...glutton and a drunk."(Lk 7:34) People called Elvis "...a overweight druggie...". Jesus died for us. Young girls would 'die for' Elvis. Jesus was born in humble surroundings. Elvis was born in Mississippi. Even today Jesus has a cult following. Even today Elvis has a cult following. Jesus was called "King of Israel.."(John 12:13) Elvis was called "King of Rock n'Roll" Was Elvis the 20th-century re-incarnation of Jesus? Hey, decide for yourself..... ****************************************************************** ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 15:31:00 -0400 From: Robert Thomas Subject: Socialization Part II The socialization of men seperates them from the more grounded emotions of women. Most of the arguements in married life are the fault of men, and for one reson only; men have never learned how to compliment women. I'll give you an example from my marriage to Karen. I don't want to say Karen is fat....because so many other people do. Her measuremnets are 54-46-44....and her other breast is slightly smaller. We once went to the Opera, and no one would leave until she sang a song. Getting back to this compliment thing, one day I pulled into the driveway after work, and Karen came running out of the house, bouncing all over. She asked "How do you like me in the no-bra look?" Without thinking, and sure I was giving her a compliment, I said "Well, it sure smoothes out those wrinkles on your forehead." The next thing I remember is the Doctor placing paddles on my chest and yelling "Clear!" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 13:40:18 -0600 From: "Wade H. Nelson" Subject: More OJ / Dr. Seuss (off to OJ, AC) Did you drive a Bronco white? Towards Mexico did you make flight? I did not drive a Bronco white! I sat in the back and hid from sight Though I had passport and gun I promise I was not on the run! ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 13:37:22 -0600 From: "Wade H. Nelson" Subject: OJ Joke (offensive to Furman, OJ) Did you hear about the new AVIS commercial? They've got OJ Simpson and MarkFurman racing through an airport. Mark takes an early lead after OJ loses one of his bags. Then Furman slips on a bloody glove OJ walks away the winner. At the end of the commercial they subtitle: Rent from AVIS and you'll have time to kill. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 17:06:50 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Dancing in the dark Why do mice have small balls? It's because very few of them know how to dance. Lyle's Joke Boutique. PS: My sincere "thanks" to those who have dropped me a friendly note. I appreciate them very much. Lyle K. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 22:05:50 -0400 From: Jennifer Schmidt Subject: Ways to get yourself in a good mood at work Ways to get yourself in a good mood at work 1. Skip to the copier 2. Insist everyone call you "John Jacob Jingleheimer" (Well, it works in my case...) 3. Wear a wreath of flowers on your head. 4. Pass our deli numbers. Complain about the rising cost of beef. 5. Take apart all the cube walls and reassemble in a labyrinth. Watch your co-workers try to find their desks. 6. Stand on your computer monitor and belt out Neil Diamond's "Cherry, Cherry" until someone throws crackers at you. 7. Hang out by the bathrooms all day and keep tabs on people. Refuse to let some people in. 8. Play "What the hell is that smell in the refrigerator" 9. Knit a sweater for your boss out of paper towels. 10. Walk around wearing only an expandable file folder. :) Jennifer Schmidt JenSch@aol.com ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Oct 1995 11:23:17 +0900 From: Maurizio MORABITO Subject: if OS were beers If Operating Systems Were Beers... DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available. Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan. Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.. OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold. Windows 95 Beer: You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew. Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars. Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years. AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway. VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. === bye maurizio ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Oct 1995 to 4 Oct 1995 **********************************************