Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 16:36:18 CET From: Tim_ZZ_Holliefield_at_CC__RHEIN@admin.ed.umuc.edu Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Nov 1995 to 2 Nov 1995 There are 13 messages totalling 259 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Ponderings 2. Circumstantial Evidence 3. Man and Dancing Duck 4. Humor: Treasure Hunting 5. Drunk again 6. Have we met before? 7. Japanese Rabbi 8. Totally insensitive; so what? 9. How to get people to send you E-mail 10. test 11. Ways I know I've had too much coffee 12. Asking for Sex (Adult Theme) 13. The art of Flaming ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 01:09:54 -0500 From: Robert Thomas Subject: Ponderings My ex-wife must have been related to Abraham Lincoln. Everybody's taken a shot at her in the balcony. I don't owe everyone in the world, but I'm getting there. Owning a house has changed my ideas about marriage. If I ever get married again, it's going to be to a plumber. It seems as if I'm making monthly payments twice a week. Whoever said talk is cheap never said "I do". ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 07:37:13 -0500 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Circumstantial Evidence The village busybody and supervisor of village morals, accused a workman of having reverted to drink because "with her own eyes" she had seen his pick-up truck parked outside the village tavern. The accused made no defense, but that evening he parked his truck in front of her house and left it there all night. **If you see a person without a smile, give him one of yours.** ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 10:50:58 +0000 From: Richard Russell Subject: Man and Dancing Duck A man walks into a bar with a duck and a biscuit box. He sets the duck on top of the biscuit box on the bar and the duck begins dancing. The barman finds this rather interesting as do the rest of the punters in the pub. They all come round the duck and watch it for ages, and while doing so, buy more and more drink. By the end of the night the bar is full of people watching this amazing duck, still dancing and giving the odd quack now and again. The barman realises that he hasn't had business this good in a long time. It is so good that he offers to buy the duck from the man to which the man aggrees to sell for 500 pounds. The barman thinks it is a bit expensive but agrees to buy it anyhow. On selling the duck, the man goes home leaving a crowded pub watching his dancing duck. Later that night, the man gets a telephone call; it is the barman and he exclaims that the duck is a great success and that he has his money back in the amount of drink he has sold, but he says - "There is one thing... How do you get the duck to stop dancing?" to which the man replies - "Oh simple - just take the lid of the biscuit box and blow out the candle." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 08:17:39 +0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Humor: Treasure Hunting An avid skin diving treasure hunter became disillusioned after spending his entire Florida vacation searching for underwater treasure, only to find none at all. Disheartened, he spent his last day simply paddling around in the shallow waters near the shore. The entire scene seeemed really dark, when he banged his shin on something unseen on the bottom. Digging down to find out the cause of his pain, he found an old chest full of precious gems, silver and gold. That, of course, brightened his outlook considerably. He was heard to remark afterwards, "It only goes to show you that booty is shin deep!" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=} Randall {=- I have a mind like a steel...animal catcher thingie. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 12:09:14 EST5EDT From: Wayne Wood Subject: Drunk again A salesman dropped into a bar to have a drink before retiring. The fellow next to him kept slipping off his stool and falling to the floor. The bartender whispered to the salesman; "This guy has had two beers, but it looks like one too many. Do me a favor - drive him home for me before he gets hurt or mugged." "Okay." So the salesman helped the fellow to his car, carrying him most of the way. By the time they arrived at the fellow's home he couldn't stand up, so the salesman dragged the fellow to the front door and rang the bell. The man's wife came to the door and the salesman said: "I brought your husband home. He's having a little trouble standing up." She looked puzzled and said: "Well, no wonder. Where is his wheelchair?" Wayne ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 12:49:00 EDT From: "Lynn, Jon" Subject: Have we met before? From: gdoane@Verity.COM A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist." -- Jokes from the JON ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 12:15:16 EST From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Japanese Rabbi A Japanese man had his heart set on becoming a Rabbi. He was warned that many years of training were required but he went ahead anyway. After more than five years of extensive training, he took his final exams and felt sure he had passed with flying colors. However, the Rabbi Review Board informed him he had failed the exam! He was astonished and demanded to know why he had failed. The Review Board Chairman told him, "Members of the Jewish faith don't like it when you perform circumcisions by using a karate chop while yelling a-a-a-i-i-ie- e-e!" Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 12:49:23 -0500 From: Lee Bradley Subject: Totally insensitive; so what? (1) "I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it." (stolen from Ed Lambert) (2) "November is Alzheimer's Preparedness Week" (3) About two weeks ago, I was listening to a TV show on my FM radio, channel 6, naturally. CBS, here. It was one of those trailer trash shows (boy, did ***I*** love it!!!) that bring really stupid people in front of the camera and ridicule them in front of a giga-zillion people. The guest (roastee) du jour was "Al," an auto mechanic by day and a drag queen by night. The host (Mr. Torquemada) was trying to get Al's brother, "Ben," to accept Al's lifestyle. Protested Ben, "How can I accept his lifestyle? Just LOOK at 'im !" "Look at ME?" screamed Al. "Look at YOU! Jenny Craig's got a warrant out on your fat ass!" Too bad I didn't have the visual. * Jenny Craig is a chain of "weight-loss" clinics/stores/shops. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 08:42:21 -0600 From: John West Subject: How to get people to send you E-mail How do you get people you don't know to send you E-mail? Misspell the word "SUSPENSE" in an international mailing list. (ARGH!) ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 16:41:47 -0500 From: Dan Arbuckle - Gaylord Subject: test this is a test ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 20:22:46 -0500 From: Jennifer Schmidt Subject: Ways I know I've had too much coffee Ways I know I've had too much coffee 1. Seeing elephants 2. Trying to catch said elephants 3. Disco dancing around my cubicle at work 4. Had to remortgage the house to buy more expresso 5. Bartender told me I'd had enough 6. Those sloshing sounds when I walk 7. Shaking too much to hook up the coffee IV 8. Supporting the other half of the Columbian GNP 9. Been to the john 15 times in the last 30 minutes 10. Seizures are starting to affect my driving :) Jennifer Schmidt JenSch@aol.com ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 20:53:10 -0500 From: Dan Arbuckle - Gaylord Subject: Asking for Sex (Adult Theme) Two guys walking down the street, approaching a sexy looking young woman. First guy asks her, "Hey, wanna fuck??" She stops and knocks him down with her heavy purse!! Second guy asks him, "What did you do that for?" First guy says, "I ask *every* woman I meet if she wants to fuck!!" "My God", the second man says, "Don't you get knocked down a lot??" "Yeah", the first guy says, "But I fuck a lot, too!!" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 22:51:53 -0500 From: Robert Thomas Subject: The art of Flaming Yesterday, for only the second time since I've been posting to this list, I recieved a flame. (For those who are unfamiliar with the term, a "flame" is a letter denouncing either something you wrote, or you personally, or both, as this one did) This person took exception to my "Ponderings" about no pleasure in life being worth giving up just to spend three more years in a geriatrics ward, my comment "Exercise daily, eat wisely, die anyway.", and my remark about the quality of the people attempting to become President of the USA and what it says about our gene pool. I suggest that from now on there be rules for flaming on the Humor List: 1. When flaming, don't bark at the flamee. He/she is not your mother. 2. Try to use complete sentences. It's hard to follow your brilliant logic if your sentence structure wanders. "You're suicidal and people like you fill up our geriatric wards, and your (sic) afraid of death." Semantically, this means nothing. While I can see a glimmer of coherence, I still am not sure how one can be afraid of death, suicidal, and cluttering up geriatric wards at the same time. Maybe it's just me. 3. When flaming, try to keep the personal attacks general, not specific. "Your mother wears combat boots" is better than "People like you never know the joy of exercise, running in the open air...." This is especially true if the flamee (me) happens to be a disabled Viet Nam Veteran who has to walk with the aid of canes and/or crutches. Know the person you're flaming. 4. Remember that the person you're flaming has the last word, so try not to leave too many openings for them. Your awe-inspiring wit must leave them trembling in the corner, not laughing at the monitor. And speaking of wit, if you're a half-wit, please be sure to use the right half. To the person who sent the flame, I'm sure your IQ isn't really that low, but I'm figuring in the wind chill factor. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Nov 1995 to 2 Nov 1995 **********************************************