Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 16:37:03 CET From: Tim_ZZ_Holliefield_at_CC__RHEIN@admin.ed.umuc.edu Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Nov 1995 to 3 Nov 1995 There are 19 messages totalling 605 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Original Shaggy Dog Story 2. mouse joke - I 3. SLUGGO Press Release 4. Courage 5. Malapropisms 6. Put downs 7. Put downs, Mother of all 8. Solstice 9. Little Jonny < Only one F%^k > 10. put-downs (2) 11. Humor:put downs - mildly vulgar 12. Mouse Memo 13. Wedded bliss? 14. Marginal Put-Downs 15. Some quotes. (off. language, but damn funny) 16. On the bus 17. The Last Posting 18. Suspence ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 22:31:00 PST From: Sidney Moskowitz Subject: Original Shaggy Dog Story The following story is the origin of the description "shaggy dog story": A father was very concerned when his young son became very ill with leukemia. He told the boy that he would get him any reasonable thing he would wish for. "Father", he said, "I would like to have a shaggy dog." The father went to a pet store and bought the shaggiest dog they had. When he showed the dog to the boy, he was told, "Father, this dog is not shaggy enough." The father sought out the largest pet shop in the city and purchased the shaggiest dog available. Again, he was told, "Father, this dog is not shaggy enough." He then advertised in the newspaper and offered a prize for the shaggiest dog offered. With much effort he obtained the shaggiest dog that anyone had ever seen and presented it to the boy. "Father", he was told, "this dog also is not shaggy enough." So, you might ask, what happened next? Well, the boy died. P.S. For those who may not know, a "shaggy dog story" is a story that doesn't have any point. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Nov 1995 13:55:57 +0530 From: Sanjay Sahay Subject: mouse joke - I Q : when the PC of king Lion was not working he declared that whoever will make his PC work will be rewarded suitably. All the animals tried but only the mouse was succesful in correcting the fault.Can u guess the reason ? A : The mouse was the only support engineer in the jungle. ;-) sanjana ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Nov 1995 06:41:53 -0500 From: Imre Kertesz III Subject: SLUGGO Press Release DISCLAIMER: SLUGGO Press Release is a parody of daily international news. Every person, government, religion, etc. that makes headlines is a target. I don't discriminate. SLUGGO NEWS can be offensive; there are too many topics to provide individual disclaimers. I welcome any suggestions, input, criticism, or even ideas for new material. ____________________________________________________________ SLUGGO NEWS - COMPILED BY THE NEWSGUY v44 - SLUGGO STAFF: NORSKAWOOD, SYKO, SNOOPY H I G H L I G H T S 1. (WASHINGTON) House and Senate negotiators today agreed to cut public broadcasting by nearly 12 percent next year despite the Corporation for public broadcasting's promise to modify the content of children's programming to reflect changes in modern society. According to scheduled changes, Barney the purple dinosaur is slated to explain to the children the difference between carnivores and herbivores and will demonstrate by eating Baby Bop, and will maul B.J. to demonstrate defending territorial boundaries. Sesame Street stands to bear most of the new changes. Oscar the Grouch will introduce a colorful, new vocabulary, and games such as "Stink- finger" and "Lets make babies". Bert will explain to Ernie about that tank of ether he keeps next to the bed and why Ernie's hemorrhoids have been so bad all these years. Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, unable to escape from the planned changes will unfortunately be cancelled due to Fred Roger's refusal to explain to the children why the actor who plays Mr. McFeelie was lynched by a group of angry parents for a scandal involving an ice-cream truck, a video camera, and a Batman mask. -SLUG, 22 MAY- 2. (RWANDA) French troops continued "the heroic quest to spare innocent lives" in Rwanda, evacuating a nest of garden spiders and a lynx from the war-torn area, French Colonel Didier Bolelli told reporters on Thursday. Meanwhile, Rwandan rebels, eager to use the press as a means of furthering a cause that has resulted in the slaughter of over half a million innocent civilians, spoke to reporters about their Total Quality Massacre (TQM), citing a collection of dead bodies which occupies 18 square acres as "the metrics of our success". None of the reporters present took the Rwandans up on their offer for free copies of Rwandan "extermination flowcharting". -SYKO - 07 JUL 3. (CHECHNYA) A convoy of international observers was crisped by Russian flame-thrower units in Chechnya on Saturday as Defense Minister Pavel Grachev gave the official order for black and crunchy on the outside, red and chewey on the inside. The convoy, marked with the flag of the 53-member OIBVD (Organization of Idiots Bent on a Violent Death) was travelling to investigate a Chechen report that they had found the body of a missing U.S. expert, Frederic Cuny. Later, A woman who knew the missing U.S. disaster relief worker told Itar-Tass on Saturday that the body found in Chechnya is not Cuny's, but an unconvincing replica of Cuny made of several meters of Polish sausage sewn together. OIBVD officials responded to the unfortunate demise of their colleagues by saying "Better them than us". (SLUG - 20 MAY) C A P S U L E S 1.(UGANDA) Rebels of the previously ridiculed Lord's Resistance Army (LRA), which says it wants to govern Uganda by the rules of the Bible's 10 Commandments, has earned new respect after it completely annihilated a military unit at Alero, 34 miles north of Gulu on Thursday evening. Witnesses near the battle claim the LRA stood atop a hill chanting while the military unit below, armed with small arms and light artillery, fought off swarms of locusts, a tsunami, and massive electrical storms with clouds in the shape of huge hammers. (SLUG - 30 MAY) 2. (GAZA) PLO Chairman Yasser Arafat's incessant whining for financial support for the "independent" Palestinian self-rule area has finally evoked a response. Thirteen Boeing 757's belonging to the Coca-Cola Company dropped a combined total of 6.5 million empty soda cans onto the Gaza strip and Jericho on Thursday. "At a nickel's deposit apiece", said Coca-Cola spokesman Mike Busby, "that's $325,000 for Arafat's cause. All he has to do is wash out the cans and return them to his nearest Safeway." -SYKO, 07 Jul- 3. (U.S.) The nation's largest, most powerful unmanned rocket blasted into space Sunday with a secret administrative satellite. The 20-story Federal building in Langley, Virginia soared into a clear sky at 9:45 a.m. carrying filing cabinets, desks, and assorted office equipment. -BAD, 15 May- 4. (IRAN) Iran, faced with a collapse of its currency announced Wednesday that it would begin the tedious and time consuming re-stacking process. -BLOATER, 10 MAY- ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Nov 1995 06:47:07 -0500 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Courage A hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him, "here friend, take a drink outa my jug." The man protested saying he never drank. The hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded: "Drink!" The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered, and coughed. "Gad, that's awful stuff you've got there." "Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now you hold the gun to me while I take a swig." **"If you see a person without a smile. give him/her one of yours."** ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Nov 1995 09:01:07 -0500 From: Gwen Eckman Subject: Malapropisms >From Reader's Digest December 1993: In one of New York magazine's competition features, edited by Mary Ann Maden, readers were asked to send in modern malapropisms. Here are some of the contributions: He's a wolf is cheap clothing. It was a case of love at Versailles. He's got one of those sight-seeing dogs. In Algiers, they spend most of their time at the cash bar. My sister has extra-century perception. A fool and his money are some party. All's fear in love and war. Nip it in the butt. Some viruses can lie doormat for years. To each his zone. Michaelangelo painted the Sixteenth Chapel. No more negotiating - it's a dumb deal. It's a long road to hold. All I want from you kids is a little piece of quiet. (reprinted without permission) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Nov 1995 11:50:42 GMT From: Michael Forster Subject: Put downs Yesterdays post about the intellect and sensitivity of flamers reminded me of a remark a geography teacher once made to me at school. He said, "Foster (teachers always liked to mispronounce my name - it sounds better when it's barked down a school corridor), if you had any more sense you'd be a half-wit." Michael Forster ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Nov 1995 09:30:44 -0500 From: Lee Bradley Subject: Put downs, Mother of all Playing Put Down is a lot of fun when you're on the giving end and can be painful when you're on the receiving end. However, I think there's no denying the high degree of wit and originality that the Givers have. They are to be admired for it, and those of us on the receiving end can take solstice [let's see what THAT brings in] in the fact that we inspired a genius. My first paper in graduate school was marked: D- The only appropriate comment you've made here is the TITLE. I continue to admire that phrase after all these years. And, at the risk of boring you with a repeat, I'll remind you of a colleague here who was discussing a test paper with a student. "Dr. X, I'd like to know why I got an F on this paper." "It's very simple, my dear. We don't give Z's !" ---------------- "If you see a guy who needs a hand, give him your foot!" ---------------- ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Nov 1995 09:21:52 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Solstice > Playing Put Down is a lot of fun when you're on the giving end and can be > painful when you're on the receiving end. However, I think there's no > denying the high degree of wit and originality that the Givers have. > They are to be admired for it, and those of us on the receiving end can > take solstice [let's see what THAT brings in] in the fact that we > inspired a genius. But, there are only two times each year (June and December in the Northern Hemisphere) when you can take solstice! :-) Solace, however, is available all year long! :-), :-) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Nov 1995 10:11:52 +0000 From: Rick Russell Subject: Little Jonny < Only one F%^k > One day in school the teacher is giving the class an English lesson. She asks if anyone can give her a sentence with the word 'Lovely' in it twice. All of a sudden little Mary jumps up and says that she has a sentence. The teacher is pleased to see her top pupil being so conscienious and asks her to tell the class. The little girl goes on and says :- "At the week-end the weather was lovely, so my family and I went out to the countryside and had a lovely picnic." The teacher was most impressed, and asked if anyone else could make a similar sentence. Then from the back of the class, little Jonny the class rascal, shouted out that he had a sentence. The teacher, in a sympathetic tone of voice, said "Oh.. alright then Jonny what is _your_ sentence?" Jonny went on to say:- "Last night my sister came home and said she was pregnant and our dad said, 'Lovely!!!, Fuckin' Lovely!!!!'" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Nov 1995 11:27:12 -0600 From: DCHRISTI Subject: put-downs One of my favorite put-downs that was leveled at me was turned out to actually become a left-handed compliment: If they put your brains in a humming bird, it'd sing." and one I've used in the past that I still enjoy: "If they put your brains in a bee, it'd say Zubb, Zubb..." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Nov 1995 12:52:17 EST From: Michael Langdon Subject: put-downs While were talking put downs, my favorites are: You're so stupid you bought a pack of M&M s and returned them because you thought you got all W s You're so stupid, that when you were a kid, they had to hire a tutor to teach you how to scribble. Mike ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Nov 1995 13:03:41 EST From: JOHN STONE Subject: Humor:put downs - mildly vulgar My favorite...... 'If they took your brain and stuffed it up a gnat's ass it would look like a BB in the Grand Canyon!' or 'If they took your brain and rolled it down the edge of a razor blade it would look like a BB rolling down an 8 lane highway!' and just who are 'THEY' anyway? The anonymous 'THEM'? For the non-english native language speakers, a gnat is a VERY small biting insect, much smaller than a mosquito. A BB in the US is usually a .177 mm projectile used in air pistols/rifles. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Nov 1995 13:10:56 -0500 From: Kaycie Drennan Subject: Mouse Memo I got this very "secondhand" so I'm not sure who to credit with the original. I got it two days ago, from a lady in our office building. "To: JRL & Vicki July 27, 1995 From: Rose Marie Another Mouse Story! This is supposed to be an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us may find it rather funny. Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist off method Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handing can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items." Have a good day, everyone :) Kaycie ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Nov 1995 13:12:37 EST From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Wedded bliss? A wealthy elderly gentleman married a beautiful 18 year old girl. When several of his friends asked about his wedding night, he said, "My eldest son picked me up in his arms, carried me into the bedroom and laid me down beside my bride. The following morning, my four sons picked me up and carried me out of the bedroom." "Wait a minute," one of his friends said, "how come it only took one son to carry you in but took four to carry you out?" The old gentleman replied, "I fought 'em!" Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Nov 1995 12:53:51 -0800 From: John Drislane Subject: Marginal Put-Downs My favorite teacher put-down comment goes back to Samuel Johnson: Your paper is both interesting and original; however, the original part is not interesting, and the interesting part is not original. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Nov 1995 13:00:00 PST From: "Howard, Dan" Subject: Some quotes. (off. language, but damn funny) Received the following in my e-mail this morning and thought I'd pass them off to you all. Enjoy! ---------- From: Ellis Fortinberry Date: Sat, 28 Oct 1995 18:17:36 -0400 From: Gregory Gunn To: B-The_Internet_FunnyBone@inslab.uky.edu Subject: *** Memorable Quotes "Hey Chuck, nice knife!" - Childhood friend of Charles Manson, now deceased "Excuse me sir, is this your penis?" -The guy who found Bobbit's dick "I thought it would make a wicked wave to surf on." - Moses, talking about the real reason he parted the Red Sea "I think we will have to drop the charges, the evidence won't stand up in court." - The prosecuting attourney in the Bobbit trial "Well, they were right, it does taste like chicken." - One of the survivors of the Himalayan plane crash "I told you damn rabbits 'Only two!'." - Noah, loading up the Ark "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" - Ben Franklin, the moment he discovered electricity "Ow, ow, hey, ow, fuck off, stop it, ow, ow, stop it!" - Rodney King "Maybe we should tie one end down...ya think?" - An observer of the first (failed) Bungee jump "Maybe we should use something elastic...ya think?" - Same observer at the second (failed) Bungee jump "Hoooooooollllllllyyyyyyyyyy Shhhhhiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttt !!!" - The first person to ever atempt Bungee jumping "My legs! Arghhh! My fucking legs!!!!!" - The second person to ever attempt Bungee jumping "I can't believe people laugh at this shit." - Steve Martin, contemplating anything he has ever done "Now what the fuck do I do?" - The Russian cosmonaut after the collapse of the Soviet Union "What the hell are you trying to say?" - Any dog looking at its owner "I still can't understand why anyone buys this shit." - The brewers at Labatt, discussing 50 "Now how come I didn't think of that?" - The owner of a little book depository in Dallas "Wow, some lady walked into my room, picked me up, and put her breast in my mouth. I liked it!" - A baby boys first tangeable thought "What the..." - Famous last words of anyone stepping out in front of a truck "No, I didn't mean I believe I _am_ Jesus Christ, I meant I believe *IN* Jesus Christ!" - David Koresh, trying to get his ass out of the fire "Uh, just kidding!?!" - David Koresh, still trying to get his ass out of the fire "Guess I shouldn't have pissed them off." - Saddam Hussein, talking to one of his advisors, right before the Americans attacked "Hey! Give me my fucking arm back!" - One of Jeffery Dahlmers victims "This is good Jeff, what is it?" - One of Jeffery Dahlmers friends, having dinner that evening "Hey! Come on Jeff, now put the knife down!" - Jeffery Dahlmers friend, later that evening "Holy shit! I'm boiling human heads! What the fuck am I thinking?!" - Jeffery Dahlmer's momentary lapse of sanity "What pretty lights!" - Any deer, any highway, late at night "Get me a bitch, I'm really horny!" - What Lassie was really trying to say when Timmy fell down the well "Watch me pull up nice and close to this iceberg." - The captain of the Titanic, trying to impress on of the female passengers "Chuck! You made it, and you brought some friends!" - The host of the party the Manson family stormed "Rats! Big Motherfucking Rats!" - Walt Disney, when asked what his vision for Disney World was Thanks to: Brian St. Pierre for this contribution ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Nov 1995 16:56:09 -0700 From: Rich Adler Subject: On the bus A drunk gets on a bus one afternoon, and sits down behind the driver. At the next stop, a pretty blonde lady gets aboard and the driver smiles, tips his hat, and asks "Tickle your ass with my feather?" The blonde's face turns to a look of shock and flushes red. "What did you say?" "Having awfully nice weather," the driver says. The blonde thinks she mis-heard the driver, nods her agreement, and moves on to find a seat. The drunk watches all this with great interest and asks the driver "Wha's this?" "I drive all day," the driver explains, "and I don't have much opportunity to meet girls. When a good looking girl gets on the bus, I ask her if I can 'tickle her ass with my feather'. If she's interested, we'll strike up a conversation and make arrangements. If she's shocked, I cover up with the question about the weather." Well, the drunk thinks this is great and wants to try. The bus driver says "No!", but the drunk insists, or he'll tell the driver's supervisor. "OK. But you only get to try once." At the next stop, a buxom beauty slinks up the steps of the bus. The drunk stands in front of her, breath stinking, knees wobbling. He takes off his hat and holds it in both hands. "Wanna fuck?" he blurts out. "What!!??" the beauty exclaims in horror. "(burp) Think it'll rain?" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Nov 1995 20:36:47 -0500 From: Robert Thomas Subject: The Last Posting My last posting, since so many of you dislike my humor, I'll leave with a joke more in keeping with the general feel I get from your letters: Two men were busted for a small amount of drugs, not enough to send them to prison, but enough to warrent punishment. The judge decides to have the two men reform other drug users for two months, at which time he would evaluate their performance. Two months later the men are standing in front of the judge. "How many drug users did you reform?", he asks the first man. "12, Your Honor." The judge nods and turns to the second man. "And you?" "157, Your Honor." "That's unbelievable," the judge says. "Let's see what the difference is in your approaches." The first man says "I draw a great big circle, and next to it a little tiny circle. I say to the drug users, pointing to the big circle `This is your brain', then pointing to the small circle `This is your brain on drugs.' " The second man said "I use the same two circles, but I first point at the small circle and say `This is your asshole now' then I point to the big circle and say `This is your asshole in prison.' " ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 23:03:00 +0400 From: Jeff Guinzburg Subject: Re: Suspence FORWARDED MESSAGE from John West at 11/01/95 4:23 PM JW> How do you keep Computer Geeks in suspence? ***** NOTES from Jeff Guinzburg (JEFF @ ISI) at 11/02/95 10:57 PM You don't answer the question, obviously. But how do you get them to destroy their monitors, and replace them with new ones? (you MUST rotate 360 degrees for the answer) BTW, the paper equivalent of this joke is a piece of paper with the following printed on both sides: How do you keep an idiot in suspense? (turn over for answer) Best Regards, Jeff. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Nov 1995 to 3 Nov 1995 **********************************************