Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 16:37:01 CET To: thollief@faculty.ed.umuc.edu Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Nov 1995 to 4 Nov 1995 There are 11 messages totalling 238 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Dancing 2. A couple of Disney jokes 3. Diets 4. Wild sex! 5. High school riposte 6. The F word 7. Oral Frog 8. Free offer! 9. Highway Bandits (Adult Theme) 10. Halloween - a little late 11. Top 10 Reasons Your Relationship May Be in Danger ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 4 Nov 1995 09:14:38 -0500 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Dancing The worried father arrived at the hospital emergency room where his teenage son was being treated for a broken leg and many cuts and bruises. "Did you have an accident coming home from your girl's house?" asked the father. "No," the boy groaned. "Well, how did it happen?" persisted the father. We were just dancing," the boy explained, when her old man came in. He's deaf and couldn't hear the music ---so he threw me out the window!" **If you see a person without a smile, give him/her one of yours.** ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Nov 1995 09:15:07 -0500 From: John Holton Subject: A couple of Disney jokes Mickey Mouse was suing Minnie for divorce. When her attorney got him on the witness stand, his first question was, "Why do you think your wife is crazy?" to which Mickey replied "I never said she was crazy! I said she was fucking Goofy!" ***************** A priest was saying Mass one day and suddenly felt a tug on his vestments. He turned around and saw Dopey (of the Seven Dwarfs) standing beside him. "Father," he asked, "are there any midget nuns in the parish?" "No, my son," the priest replied and went back to saying Mass. He felt another tug at his vestments and turned to see Dopey still there. "Well, Father, are there any midget nuns in the town?" "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the town. Go back to your seat." The priest turned and resumed saying Mass, when he felt yet another tug at his vestments. Somewhat annoyed, he turned and found Dopey still standing beside him, a look of concern on his face. "Father, are there any midget nuns in the country?" Incensed by the dwarf's persistent questions the priest shouted angrily, "For the last time, there are no midget nuns in the parish, in the town, in the country or in the entire universe! Now go back to your seat!" Dejected, Dopey walked down the steps of the altar and down the long aisle, and as he approached the back of the church the priest heard little voices in the back singing "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin...." ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Nov 1995 11:16:25 -0500 From: Jerry Cole Subject: Diets Q. Why can't lesbians go on a diet? A. They can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face. (Note for Non-U.S. subscribers: Jenny Craig is a brand of diet foods and Mary Kay is a brand of cosmetics.) ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Nov 1995 11:40:26 EST From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Wild sex! Harvey tells his doctor his sex life is unsatisfactory. He suggests Harvey should go to an adult movie where he may pick up some new ideas. After going to the movie, Harvey gets home late and his wife says, "Harvey, where have you been? I've been worried about you." He explains about his doctor's advice and says, "You know, all of the women in the movie, they MOAN." "Harvey, if you want me to moan for you, I'll moan." They go to bed, things begin to progress and his wife asks, "Harvey, you want me to moan for you?" "NO! DON'T MOAN YET!" Things start getting even hotter and again his wife asks, "Harvey, you want me to moan now?" "NO! DON'T MOAN YET! DON'T MOAN YET!" Finally the magic moment arrives and when his wife asks if he wants her to moan, Harvey screams, "YES!!! MOAN NOW!!! MOAN NOW!!!" His wife says, "Harvey, the lines at the mall were so long and the prices so high..." Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Nov 1995 14:06:02 GMT From: Michael Forster Subject: High school riposte Laurie Nyveen tells me that: In high school, our hippie-esque world history teacher told the friend sitting next to me, quite out loud: "Hey Frankel, when your IQ gets to 60, sell!" ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Nov 1995 11:07:35 -0800 From: John B Tanner Subject: The F word A little boy in the first grade is told by the teacher he's going to be in the class play. He tells her " No, I won't be in the class play." The teacher says " You have to be in the class play." He tells her " No, I won't be in the class play." She says " Look, if you're not in the class play, you'll break your mother's heart. I know how you feel so I'll give you the easiest part. All you have to say is ' Hark, there's hope for her soul. I'll snatch a kiss and steal off in the night. Shakespeare.'" Reluctantly the kid agrees. On the big night his moment comes. The stage lights are on him, his mother smiles and the kid says " Hark, there's soap in her hole. I'll kiss her snatch and beat off in the night. Snakeshit--er Spereshit--er Oh, fuck it. I didn't want to be in the play in the first place." ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Nov 1995 16:49:22 -0500 From: Joanne Lukas-Pinarski Subject: Re: Oral Frog A drunk walks into a bar with a frog in his hand. "Hey, bartender, give me a drink" Bartender says, "Hey, buddy what's with the frog?" Drunk says loudly, "This frog is special, he's an expert at cunnilingus." Bartender says, "Get out of here, you drunk." Drunk says, "No, no really he's an expert at cunnilingus." At hearing this a drunk woman at the end of the bar says, "Ok buddy, for 100 bucks let's see what your frog can do." She then takes off her panties and proceeds to lie on top of the bar in front of the frog. The drunk says, "Frog, go eat her." The frog says, "Ribbit, ribbit." and sits there. The drunk says again, "Frog, go eat her." Once again the frog sits there and says, "Ribbit, ribbit." With that the whole bar laughs and the drunk woman says, "Hey, buddy you better give me my 100 bucks back." The drunk says, "No, no let me talk to my frog." with that the drunk turns to the frog and says, "Now frog, I'm going to show you one more time..." ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Nov 1995 17:28:04 -0600 From: Brian Walker Subject: Free offer! >Date: Thu, 26 Oct 1995 14:45:07 -0500 >Reply-To: Personal Ideologies Discussion List >Sender: Personal Ideologies Discussion List >From: "John B. Russell" >Subject: Free offer! >To: Multiple recipients of list BELIEF-L > >In honor of our Glorious List Owner: >-------------------------------------------------------- >Hi-Tech Coasters - Free! > >This is a special, limited offer for free hi-tech coasters to place your >cups and mugs upon. > >Sized and shaped exactly like 3 1/2" high density disks, these durable >plastic coasters will provide years of service while keeping your hardwood >furniture free of those nasty rings of dried soda and coffee. Order >several to leave around the house - for the living room, next to the >computer, etc. Coasters can be custom printed with the word "Macintosh" >or "Windows" to suit your individual preferences. > >Flash! For extra-large mugs, we now provide coasters that are the exact >size and shape as CD-ROM's! Be the first on the block to put your mug >down on the hippest coaster today! > >For your free coaster, call America Online today at (800) 445-6622. Order now! >---------------------------------------------------------------------- > >[Note to the dense: this is intended to be *humor*. Do not call AOL >and ask for free coasters unless you really want to piss them off.] > >jr > > ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Nov 1995 19:18:31 -0500 From: Dan Arbuckle - Gaylord Subject: Highway Bandits (Adult Theme) Ma and Pa were driving down the lane with their horse and buggy when they saw highway bandits waiting for them around the next bend. Ma is worried about her rings and jewelry, so she hides them in her pussy!! Sure enough, the highway bandits stop them and take everything they have, including the horse and buggy!! As they walk on down the lane, Ma says, "At least we saved my jewelry!!" And Pa answers, "Yeah, and if your mother had been along, we could have saved the horse and buggy, too!!" ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Nov 1995 19:38:14 -0600 From: "Marcus D. Parsons" Subject: Halloween - a little late True Story. It is less likely to happen in today's violent world. A few of us were sitting at our desks drinking coffee on the morning after Halloween when a co-worker said "I've got to tell you what happened at my house last night. It was nine o'clock and the kids stopped coming to the door so I turned off the porch light and sat down to read the paper. The door bell rang and I thought, "There's always one late one". So I got the bowl of candy and turned on the porch light and opened the door. I didn't see anyone but a little voice said, "Trick or Treat". I looked down and there was a really little kid. I said, 'Son do you have a trick'" He said, "Ain't got no trick". I said, "Well, here's your treat. Where's your bag?. He said. "I ain't got no bag. I eats it as I gets it". ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Nov 1995 22:41:14 -0600 From: Timothy Abicht Subject: Top 10 Reasons Your Relationship May Be in Danger Following the heady (or flaming) of my previous list (10 Men You'd Hate to Wake Up Next to in the Morning); I've come up with a new one... Top Ten Reasons Your Relationship May Be in Danger 10. Your boyfriend wants to nail your sister. 9. Your lesbian girlfriend tells you she's having Elvis Presley's love child. 8. One word: Cannibalism. 7. You live in the Midwest, he lives in a world of his own. 6. You wonder why they never talk with you when you visit their grave. 5. They have a growing collection of vodka bottles under the bed. 4. Three simple words: Stroke during sex. 3. You both need to be in control of the remote control. 2. Its hard to tell, but one is bitchy, and the other IS a bitch. 1. One of you is on a anti-psychotic. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Nov 1995 to 4 Nov 1995 **********************************************