Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 16:37:00 CET From: Tim_ZZ_Holliefield_at_CC__RHEIN@admin.ed.umuc.edu Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Nov 1995 to 5 Nov 1995 There are 8 messages totalling 272 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. HUMOR List Traffic Report 2. More Disney (sexual innuendo) 3. Changing Our National Symbol (Clean) 4. You Know You're in Trouble When ... Part 1 of 4 5. Fame vs Impatience 6. Pig out? 7. translations 8. Cassaroles (Off. to Native Americans) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 5 Nov 1995 01:11:16 -0500 From: Jim Goldman Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report Hello everyone! This is Jim, the traffic reporter for the HUMOR list. It is my responsibility to keep track of the number of submissions and subscribers to the list. At the start of the first full week of a month, I post my traffic report to the entire list. Welcome to November. My mailbox is here for you, and if you have any questions, problems, or concerns, please feel free to direct them to me at jimphynn@interramp.com. I also encourage you to take a look at my web page, if you have access. I have recently moved my web page from a preliminary site to http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn. In the past month, I have received emails from subscribers around the world, asking me about the subscribers from different countries. Specifically, they were asking about subscribers in Bahrain, and in Russia. If you are reading these words, reside in either of those countries, and wish to start an email pen-pal relationship with someone who is interested, please email me and I will let the people who expressed their interest know about it. Without further ado, here is this week's traffic report: Traffic Report for HUMOR, 29 October - 4 November (Number of articles posted each day) 4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last Date Day Back Back Back Back Week 29 Sunday 11 11 9 14 10 30 Monday 14 13 12 14 16 31 Tuesday 17 13 10 18 23 1 Wednesday 21 19 12 18 18 2 Thursday 16 16 19 10 13 3 Friday 22 15 13 18 19 4 Saturday 14 7 8 11 11 Averages 16.4 13.4 11.9 14.7 15.7 Subscriptions 7,263 7,477 7,623 7,765 7,865 Countries 65 67 67 67 67 Contributors 596 604 611 612 625 Here is a list of countries (unconcealed subscribers) to which the HUMOR list goes. If your country is not listed here, please let me know. Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Belgium, Brazil, Bulgaria, Canada, China, Colombia, Costa Rica, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt, Estonia, Fiji, Finland, France, Germany, Great Britain, Greece, Hongkong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Malaysia, Malta, Mexico, Mozambique, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Russia, Saudi-Arabia, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Turkey, United Arab Emirates, Uruguay, USA, and Venezuela. These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board, area distribution lists, etc. These numbers include both concealed and non-concealed subscribers. The purpose of the Posters list is to protect our readers from careless, quarrelsome, and selfish contributors. To become a member request the instructions by sending the command GET HUMOR GUIDE from our LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU address. ** The following are the goals of HUMOR: To provide a daily average of 10-20 substantial examples of humor. To provide a diversity of humor: sources, forms, and subjects. To provide freedom of expression for contributors and protection of sensitivities for readers. ** The following are the brief version of HUMOR's rules: 1) Three rules protect HUMOR from complaints. Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor. Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive. A contributor who violates rules may be suspended. 2) Six rules protect HUMOR members from excessive traffic. Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted. Discussion, requests, and criticisms should not be posted One contribution per day. No personal attacks, no apologies, and no reactions. Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 lines max). Conserve bandwidth: Avoid blank lines. No ASCII art. No signature file. And now for my usual contribution of humor: Subject: Deaths in the Family "Hey, man, you look terrible," Brad remarked to his friend Pete. "What's up?" "Two months ago, my aunt Betty died -- and left me $20 000," Pete replied. "Sorry to hear about that. Is that why you're bummed out?" Pete shook his head. "Last month, my grandfather died -- and left me $50 000." "Two deaths in two months," Brad said. "That's tough." "But this month," Pete sighed, "nothing." Jim Goldman, Traffic Reporter (jimphynn@interramp.com) ===================================================================== To leave the contributors list send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR-P. To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR. To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUBSCRIBE HUMOR Call-name FamilyName. A command goes in the 1st line of the message field. ----------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Nov 1995 11:41:01 GMT From: Michael Forster Subject: More Disney (sexual innuendo) Looking at some of the recent humour on this list, these are obviously less innocent times. I can remember when I was young, Snow White thought Seven Up was just a soft drink... ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Nov 1995 07:42:37 -0500 From: Richard Hughen Subject: Changing Our National Symbol (Clean) "At the rate America is decaying morally, we shall have to change our national symbol from an eagle to a vulture." Vance Havner ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Nov 1995 12:47:00 +0100 From: ROBERT APPLETON Subject: You Know You're in Trouble When ... Part 1 of 4 You've been at work for 3 hours before you notice your skirt is caught in your pantyhose. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are 3 months overdue. You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant. You discover that your 12 year old's idea of humor is putting crazy glue in your Preparation H. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning. Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it. You wake up to the soothing sounds of running water and remember that you just bought a waterbed. ============================================ robert.appleton@sol.kiss.de ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Nov 1995 10:33:23 -0500 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Fame vs Impatience Long on egotism but short on cash, the young actor was trying to talk his impatient landlord into waiting for the rent. "In a few years," he said, "people will point to this apartment and say 'Jones the famous actor, ounce lived there.' " "If I don't get my rent tonight," said the landlord, "they'll be able to say it tomorrow." **If you see a person without a smile, give him/her one of yours.** ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Nov 1995 12:01:00 EST From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Pig out? A retired businessman bought a farm and decided to raise livestock. He talked to a neighboring farmer who suggested raising pigs. He explained it was a very simple process. "Buy a sow, take it to a farmer that has a boar, get the sow bred and pretty soon you'll have a whole bunch of little piglets." The businessman knew nothing about handling livestock so he put the sow in a wheelbarrow, wheeled it down the road and got it bred. Not realizing these things take time, he let several days go by and when no piglets showed up, he again put the sow in the wheelbarrow, wheeled it down and got it bred again. When he went to the barnyard the next morning, the first thing he saw was the sow sitting in the wheelbarrow. Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Nov 1995 09:57:56 +0900 From: Maurizio MORABITO Subject: translations >From "American Demographics" magazine: Here is a look at how shrewd American business people translate their slogans into foreign languages: When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in Leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked." Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea." Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate." When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is "f," which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration." Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No Va" means "It Does Not Go" in Spanish. When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave." When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was that the characters used meant "Bite The Wax Tadpole." They later changed to a set of characters that mean "Happiness In The Mouth." When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA--with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what is inside since most people can not read. Maurizio Morabito |"I for one could offer a lot of thoughts on any maurizio@nibh.go.jp| subject,but in many cases they would be based on | speculation at best, or misinformation at worst" Tsukuba, Japan | D.P.Chassin WWW = ftp://ripsport.aist.go.jp/pub/outgoing/maurizio/maurizio.html ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Nov 1995 19:30:46 -0600 From: "Marcus D. Parsons" Subject: Cassaroles (Off. to Native Americans) True story told to me by my uncle Fred D. after my asking what was in Aunt Merle's cassarole dish. During the depression years, Fred and his buddy were driving trucks on a Govt. road building project up in the Dakotas. It was noon and they stopped their trucks at the roadside beside a small stream. There was an Indian encampment there between the road and the stream. One of the braves came up the hill to them and told them they could come down and eat with them out of the kettle. They took their tin plates and cups and went down to eat with the Indians. Fred said that he knew what to expect so he took the ladle and put the stew on his plate and went over to sit on a log and eat. But his buddy stayed behind and was stirring and poking into the stew, obviously trying to identify what was in it. Then one brave spoke up in a loud voice, "Ugh! Dig deep. Dog on bottom". I never did learn what Aunt Merle put in her cassarole. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Nov 1995 to 5 Nov 1995 **********************************************